Sunday, December 23, 2012

Abandoning Your Children

I think about the first day. The moment the Doctor placed my son in my arms. The tears coming down my face and the words I whispered in his ears… “I will never leave you or let anyone hurt you”.

It really does feel like yesterday, no matter how cliché that sounds.

I do not understand the males (can’t say men) that can look their child in the face, in their eyes and walk away and not return. How does one intentionally walk away?

I am not talking about those that do not get to see their children as much as they would like because of issues with the mother or family court sanctions or what have you, I am talking about the males who are selfish and pathetic enough to voluntarily walk away.

How? Why?

I was thinking that if I had done such a despicable act, I would have missed being the man whose arms were the first ones my son ever touched, whose chest my son was the first to lay on. I think about the sick nights and who was the man to nurse him back, to take him to emergency rooms, to stay up all night singing and rocking him to sleep. I think about what would happen had I removed all of that.

I think about what would happen if I wasn’t there to address the bullying issue in school which was successfully rectified and now new friendships formed. It was I who made my presence known and let my paternal love lead me. What if I wasn’t there?

I think about what would have happened when my son was diagnosed in the Autism spectrum and his mother was broken and almost gave up but I was the backbone and fought for us all. What if I wasn’t there to fight? What if I wasn’t there the time on 14th street in Manhattan when some drunken guy leaned on my son and almost pushed him into the train tracks? I was there and I made a difference.

Who would have taught my son his alphabet? Who would be his hero? Who would put him above everyone?

I remember so clearly my son telling me I was his hero. He even created a character on his Playstation 3 WWE video game called “The Dadster” and made me his favorite wrestler. Who would be “The Dadster”?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ DAD STER ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I am his protector, I am his Father, I am his male role model, I am his enforcer, I am his place of love, I am his permanent male figure that will work to make him far greater than I could ever be.

Who will show him how to live instead of just telling him? Who will guide him through the moments of confusion? Who will be there at any moment when he needs to reach out to a man for clarity?

Who would spoil him with love, with fatherly love? Who?

ME. Then, now and always.

Males, those that run away, those that disappear into the night almost vampire like, those who do not really care…. Why?

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have a dilemma; my girlfriend says I want sex all the time. I don’t see an issue with that. How can we grow if we don’t explore our sexual needs? She keeps telling me I am a sex addict and it is not helping the relationship. What’s the real definition of a sex addict and how can I make her want more sex? Thank you.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Carl”,

Let’s start by clearing the air on what a sex addict is. A sex addict is someone who has an overwhelming need for sex. We are not talking large appetite for expressing passion but a need so extreme that it interferes with work, relationships, home, friendships, etc., Many sex addicts engage is very risky behavior and up the ante of risk as time progresses. They want sex in places and situations that calm be dangerous and behaviors that follows; compulsive masturbation, countless one night stands, extra-marital affairs, anonymous sex partners, voyeurism and exhibitionisms.

Now that we got that out the way, I don’t know how extreme you are in this category and you are probably not, however, you girlfriend is expressing an issue you must not ignore. What she is really saying is that she feels like nothing more than a sex partner and doesn’t feel you are doing enough in other areas to make this work. If you really want to make this work and get her to come closer to your sexual needs, you have to do two things; the first is to make sure you fulfill her needs outside the bedroom. She clearly is crying out for you to step up in that department. Show her you are man enough to answer the call. The second is to make the sex about her, make her really want it because she is the object of worship. Now your response determines how serious you are about making this work. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a happily married woman. I demand more sex than my husband is able to deliver. My husband is great in bed but for some reason, no matter how many times I climax, I am rarely satisfied. I am satisfied for the moment, then shortly after I could go for some more. I can imagine your readers thinking “this is a great woman to have” but the problem is that I can’t control myself. I have been unfaithful to my husband more times than I can remember or count. I don’t know the names of some of the men and many are friends of his or mine. I am afraid to lose him but it seems when sex is propositioned, I cannot refuse. I do not know how. Even when my mind says it is wrong, my body opens up. Someone suggested sex therapy and it sounds like something I need but what I need to know is what exactly is sex therapy and how will it help me?

Appreciation. From Lana. (Not my real name).

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lana”,

I don’t know that I have to go in depth about how unsafe your behavior is. You are continuously exposing yourself to danger and diseases and exposing your innocent husband to diseases as well. (If it hasn’t already entered the relationship).
One thing I always commend people on is their willingness to get help and the acknowledgement that there is a problem. You have done both and must continue to move in the direction to save your life and possibly that of your husbands.
As for sexual therapy, it is a form of relationship therapy that directly takes on sexual intimacy and sexual problems. What you have is safe to say is a sexual problem. Therapy addresses either the lack of o the excess of; it can involve your partner or just directly be on you. Let me be clear that the role of a sex therapist is not to change someone's sex drive or orientation, but to help them maximize their potential for satisfaction and happiness and there are specific programs designed to help couples and individuals work through their sex-related issues. In your case, it would be to assist in you not just acknowledging your maximum potential in making better choices but to give you the ability to be in control again. Will you have thoughts and urges? Of course but you will also have choices and options that you do not feel you control right now. Its talk therapy and it does work. Please move forward in seeking help and understand the risks you put your husband in as well as yourself. If you guys have a family, you have to think about that. The choices of partners (although cheating is wrong generally) is humiliating to your husband should he ever find out. Please seek help. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I don’t know what it is but I have the urges to masturbate pretty much all the time as much as I can. I find myself sneaking off in work bathrooms and other places I do not want to admit. The thing is I feel ashamed afterwards and that is what’s telling me that I have an issue. Here’s the kicker, I am not single and I believe that my girlfriend and I have a healthy sex life. We are active and it is good sex. It is when she is not around that I feel like I have to please myself. I don’t know if I have a question but I am wondering how far I have gone. Thx.
Harvey No last name.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Harvey No Last Name”,
There are things that must be considered, the first being that you are masturbating at work. This reeks of problems. The lack of control at your workplace sends alarms that you do have a problem and I will tell you that it can spiral further out of control than it already has. There are positives that do say you are not lost and can be in control again. Your masturbation isn’t taking the place of or causing problems in your relationship and sex life with your girlfriend. Now I’m wondering, is the masturbation connected to you watching porn on your cell, at work, home etc., is it from fantasies you conjure up in your mind, photos or conversation? The reason I ask is that when we connect the cause we can reduce the affect. You should discuss these issues with a professional, just to get a sense of the next direct step. Often counseling in this field works wonders for many people. I don’t want to see you lose your job and this progress to harm your relationship. Seek professional sessions while it is in the stage it is in. You don’t want it to get worse. Good luck and keep me posted.

Saturday, February 25, 2012


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I need some help on how to get over this guy that I’m really into. I know its love and I really can’t stop thinking about him. I have had this feeling for about 9 months. We had a great sexual experience and we went out a few times but have been friends before that.

We ended up having a huge argument that was pointless and then we stopped talking for a while. He now has a girlfriend who he loves. I love him. I’m a beautiful woman and many other guys have asked me out but I just want him. I know I can't have him. How can I get over him?? Sally

This is one of those unfortunate situations where no matter what is said, it won’t feel right because you have your heart and mind set on what you want. Reality offers a different option than one you wish for. If this was a cheesy movie, someone would tell you to go for yours and take what’s yours but the reality is that he has moved on and is open about loving his present girlfriend. I think it is safe to say he is happy. His happiness should make you smile if the love is real. I know it hurts but one way of getting over someone is to reprogram yourself to do so. Every time you have thoughts of him, you must remind yourself at that very moment that it cannot be. You have to constantly tell yourself this and it slowly removes the hope, the want and the wishing of something that will not be. It never feels good at first but ultimately you will be free and appreciate the good times and understand that your time with him prepared you for someone even more amazing. Keep me posted, good luck.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I dated this girl for 3 years. We spent every moment with each other. We talked about our future together, having kids and the whole nine. I loved her so much; but we went through some rough times. Money issues mounted and we kept arguing.

Stupidly I allowed my friends to convince me that the money situation would not get better because she was in school full time and I couldn’t afford the relationship. It sounded logical at the time. I no longer believe this but originally I tried as hard as I could to detach myself from her. I broke off communication in an attempt to let go fully and I haven't actually ever been truly happy.

I have dated in the last 8 months on and off and feel empty without her. She has dated and sometimes she texts me and it's kind of awkward between us and I want it to be like it was. How can I have a conversation with her that will let her know that I want to be with her again in a way that let her knows what I want without being too strong? Thank you, from: Johnny Rocket.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Johnny Rocket,
I understand this is a hard time and before I answer your question, let me say that your decision to let go was idiotic and childish and I can only imagine the hurt it caused. I can only hope that you guys can move past that (whether friends or lovers). The thing here is that you have to embrace honesty and come clean. You have to let her know what you feel without aggressively imposing your wants. Slowly introduce how you feel in a basic conversation while discussing something pleasant like a good moment you both mutually shared. Allow her response to determine whether she is ready for your expressed feelings. When the conversation feels open, inject yourself slowly. Tell her what you miss; tell her how wrong you were because it is not only about you. You owe her more than an apology; you owe her a sincere explanation. Ultimately you will have a clear position in this situation, whether it’s the one you wish for or not. Respect her stance and be supportive. Maturity must set in. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have a very close friend that I have fallen in love with. It kills me everytime these women take advantage of his kindness. He is too good for the woman he is dating. I want to express how I feel to him but I find myself too damn busy being his shoulder because she is always hurting him. Should I just tell him how I feel? Thank you sir. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
I honor your friendship and I am very sure he does the same. There are a few things I want to say and please pay close attention. After every painful breakup it is most healthy that the person hurt should have time alone. Going from one situation to another only covers the last hurt but never heals it. Ultimately it will resurface in the wrong situation which can cause both parties to be hurt. Continue to be a wonderful friend and remind him how important a relationship is with being friends first. Slowly give hints that are comforting but not too aggressive. Help him understand his worth and guide him to warmth. Your friendship will be key. This stage in the friendship should be a bit more endearing. When hugging him, let him feel your embrace a little bit differently. When he is venting, it is ok to gently touch his cheek. Smile into his eyes but do it periodically because he needs time to heal. Thank you for your question and please keep me posted.

Saturday, February 4, 2012


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a successful black woman and I am having trouble finding a good black man that appreciates my success. I always hear that men of color envy us successful black women and that’s probably why I am having a hard time dating. Can you tell me what’s the issue with these men? “Strong Black Queen”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Strong Black Queen”,
The issue is probably you as a person. Your ignorance of these men is so visible that you probably turn them off on the initial conversation. For the record, men are not intimidated by the education and successes of women. Women are more in college than men, we know this and we don’t mind it at all. A man wants an educated and successful woman or one working on her successes. The ones that don’t are the ones that usually lack self-confidence and are a bit more immature than others. If those are the only men you are attracting then you need to re-evaluate that. Too often it is misunderstood that of black men is that "black men are intimidated by successful black women." The success isn't what disconnects men and women it's the perceived attitude that comes with the education and success. If two people make each other feel valued and appreciated, then the relationship will work despite educational or professional successes. It is great to be happy with one has done but that isn’t everything about a person. Give people to learn more about to you from within. Date without wearing stereotypes on your eyes and you will see things better. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a tall woman. I stand at 6 feet 2 inches and I am always having trouble with finding someone to date. One time these two guys approached my friend and I and both were very interested in me until I stood up. I saw the look in their faces and saw the amount of attention I was receiving fade away. I don’t know what to do. It gets depressing because I don’t know what to do about it. Help me please. “Tall But Fun”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Tall But Fun”,
There are men that are shorter and are not comfortable with dating taller women because they are more concerned with how it “looks” to other people. Those types of people you do not need directly in your life because they are a headache waiting to happen. I will say this, being that so many narrow minded people over look you (no pun intended) the ones that do show interest are more likely to be open minded individuals and a better catch than the ones who are too superficial and narrow minded. You can appreciate the person for who they are minus the concerns of height differences.
Listen, the fact of the matter is whether you wear heels or flats, you are going to be tall. Embrace it and don’t feel any shame from it. Men love confident women, tall or short. Utilize your gifts and be a better person from within. If any guy doesn’t you due to your height, that’s fine because someone will probably not want them for being too short. Continue to focus on the better you and I promise you that you will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong with dating. I'm letting my guard down and am going to spill my guts. First and foremost I have a lot to offer. I'm a good person, confident, and successful. I was in the service for 9 years traveled and continued my education. I'm far from needy or insecure but it’s come to a point where I feel like any person I've taken any sort of interest for seems to leave and for what appears to me as no reason at all. I currently coach a swim team, volunteer, run marathons, run 3 offices for a successful company, have my own money, own life, own home and a great family. I love to laugh am fit very sarcastic into all sorts of music activities and sports. I have a good head on my shoulder and I have no problem with men approaching me. I don't want to sound conceited but I've worked hard for what I've got. I'm not a gold digger or rude by any means.

 Anyways, I've been back in the dating scene for two years and haven't passed a 3rd date. It’s so frustrating. Yes, sometimes it’s my fault because I realized the person wasn't for me but for example the most recent guy... I really enjoyed his company. We met online, spoke for a couple months and had a date early Dec. It was more my fault then his because of both of our schedules we had to plan in advance. Keep in mind both of us have busy schedules and children. From the get go we never spoke or text daily but would randomly have conversations anywhere from weekly to bi weekly. We finally met up and had a great night. Following the date he informed me he had a great time and would like to take me for dinner again. A week or 2 passed we exchanged Christmas cards (I sent one first) it was simple and humorous. Anyways, I received tickets to an event and asked if he'd like to join me. He replied I’d love to. We had our 2nd date for Jan. 14th. We continued talking after and then he cancelled. The day prior he sent me several messages and I quote, “Hey, Hope u are doing good. I did some sledding of my own with the kids tonight. Pretty cold out there but lots of fun.  Definitely not warm like Dallas was. Can't complain though, we've had it easy so far this winter. You are going to HATE me, but I'm going to have to cancel for tomorrow. I'm so sorry and sad that I can't make it. I don't want to give u a lame excuse over text so let me know if u can chat tonight or tomorrow.  I'm so sorry, I feel terrible about it especially the short notice.   I'll pay u for the tickets if u had to purchase them, I'm serious.  Blue man would have been fun, but hanging out and seeing u again is what I was really looking forward too! It sucks." Okay so at first I was hurt and disappointed but I'm not going to say that. So I responded the next day with: I’m disappointed you can't make it but I understand things happen. The following morning I sent him a text, “I had a great time last night! Wish you could have made it. Don’t feel bad either, save that for when the packers win today!"

Guy. I'm glad u had a great time last night. Again, I'm so sorry. Because I feel terrible for canceling on you, I'll wish your packers well today. .. and the fact that they are down 10 points late in the game has nothing to do with it.

Me... Ha-ha funny guy, can I ask you something?

Guy: Sure
(next day)

Me: Good morning! Sorry, my phone died last night. I was just reading some refinance offer from the bank for some of our properties yesterday and there was one thing I didn’t understand. I was going to "take advantage of you" ;) and ask for a better explanation since you are well-versed in that sort of thing but I’m meeting with our attorneys at 10 today so I’ll just bother them. Lol Thank you anyways, have a great day!

This was last Monday the last contact I've had with him. What happened? I don't want to initiate contact more than him. I'm not sure where I went wrong??? If he wouldn't have contacted me after the first date I would have assumes he wasn't interested and let go. I don't know if he's just that busy he has contacted (I know he had the kids this weekend) or was this his polite hint to me that he's not interested. Usually not hearing from him in a week I wouldn't think anything of it but since he canceled I can't help but wonder. Should I let him make the next step or should I reach out to him? If I reach out I'm worried he's just so nice maybe he'd reply anyways??? I don't know anymore please help!!! Thanks PS I know I sound crazy but I can assure you I'm not! Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
In you mentioning all the good things about yourself, I wonder if you are overlooking your flaws. We all have them and maybe your inability to acknowledge them or address them is something that is working against you. There are some males who are intimidated by the successes of a good woman; those males are not needed in your circle. There are also men who wish to see beyond the successes of a woman and maybe they only see the successes. There could be a few things going on here for the overall dealings with different dates. The one particular example you mention, I would say that there is no need to dwell on any person who doesn’t wish to keep you in their world. If only for educational purposes, then I understand, other than that, it’s pointless. He could have very well been slowly pulling away from you and saw a window when you phone battery died. Also, the lack of contact (bi-weekly or weekly) probably made him think there wasn’t going to be much growth or room for it. There could be a dozen reasons, but I do know one thing, you will never know by playing the contact/no contact game. Pride is senseless in cases like this because if you reach out and speak straight up seeking a direction and he opts out, at least you know. The most mature person usually reaches out and asks for the direction of the situation. Don’t be concerned with the games or the response. Play your part by asking honestly and seeing if the interest is enough to continue communication. If not, move forward. As for the general sense of the dating world, it isn’t about anything other than learning people. As long as you take time to learn the other person at a respectful pace and give the least you can about you unless asked, then you will be fine. Acknowledge your flaws and make no excuses for them, they are who you are as well as all those things you mentioned about yourself earlier. Good luck and keep me posted.

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I've been seeing this guy for 7 months now. We see each other about once a week or once every other week. He isn't ready for something serious, but has been there for me when I've needed him. Sometimes I feel like I would like something more with him, but he shuts down when I bring it up. I know he's going through some financial hardship and things are unstable for him. I have also noticed when I'm out he seems insecure about it. I get pursued by other men all the time. I'm not ready to move on to the dating scene just yet. What would you suggest? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
There are things here that could possibly be happening that haven’t been communicated. The societal stigma that because one is male, one must be a huge financial supporter could be weighing heavily on him. The mention of his financial hardship rang a bell with me. There are times that men are hesitant in engaging in exclusivity due to financial hardships because let’s face it; it does cost to be in a relationship. Even if both parties bring to the table, it is still a societal stigma for the male to bring more. Now I do not and never will agree with this foolish rule but maybe he does. Communicate with him and find out what it is that he wants. Don’t bring up anything that you want in the beginning. Allow him to express what it is that he wants pressure free. His insecurity about you going out can mean one of numerous things. He may actually want more and is unable to feel he can (due to financial reasons). He may have been though something in the past he has not gotten over and you’re going out triggers that moment. Clear things with him; communicate effectively and with consideration of his feelings. Should his unwillingness to step forward for be much clearer, then you have to accept and make a decision. Should you wish exclusivity and to settle and he doesn’t, then you will need to invest elsewhere. You need to be happy and do not need mixed signals nor do you need to hold onto something that will never be. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m dating this girl who is giving me mixed messages. When we are alone, she lets off this incredible attentive aura that shows me where we are headed. When we are out in a group setting, she always mentions how she isn’t ready to settle down with anyone. It’s very contradictory to everything we discuss or how we act when we are alone. I don’t even know if I have the right to address this because I guess we aren’t solely seeing each other according to her words when we are with friends. What should I do? Thanks in advance. “John Dough”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “John Dough”,
This entire situation wreaks “immaturity” on her part. This is just one of those people that ae still impressing their friends or the general public without realizing the things they lose in doing so. This is such a classic childish act. However, you have the absolute right to question the position you both play in each other’s lives. Do not feel that her contradictory expression amongst friends removes your position. You have the right to know where you stand and what the expectations are of this position. The lack of exclusivity doesn’t remove the fact that you are investing time. Communicate how you feel and what you wish for. Should you both be on two completely different wavelengths, then you need to consider making a decision on whether you will hang around (which isn’t the best at times), dating others or just completely moving forward in a different direction from hers altogether. Whatever it is that keeps her from wanting more is something she has t tackle and not something you mislead yourself into thinking you can “cure”. Seek truth and accept it. After accepting the truth, make a choice. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My situation is confusing. I’m with this guy that treats me like a Queen but I can’t get him to commit. It’s like every time I speak about taking it to the next level of just us dating; he tells me he isn’t ready. Why would he treat me so well if he wasn’t ready? His actions make me think he is ready but his words are strong in saying no. Should I even wait until he changes his mind or should I date other people too?  What do you think? “Female That’s Ready”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Female That’s Ready”,
This could very well be a typical situation of a male who is not just treating you this way but others. It’s not hard to do so and this could be his way of suspicion being minimal or non-existent. The thing here is that he is not ready because he could be elsewhere. The key here is to communicate your expectations, should you have any and to find out his. Be clear as to whether you guy are expected to date others as well and what are the willing possibilities. I never believe in hanging on to something that won’t be. I’m a firm believer in communication as an effective tool/weapon and its constant utilization throughout the process and not just when relationships hit a wall. You make your next steps in accordance to where this one moves. Should this relationship be exactly where its ever going to be then you need to make a decision. If there is more coming, then give more as it comes. Good luck and keep me posted.