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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My story is a little different. I’m not just a stupid girl in love with a married man. I met him the on first day of January this year. And I knew he was the one. I grew up in the USA. He grew up in India. I’m a doctor now, and he's a successful businessman, who never even completed school. If opposites attract like magnets, here’s a wonderful example. We met each other through a common friend. We had a wonderful day together, and that evening, he told me he was married and has a 2 yr old son. I don’t know why, but a girl like me who would have normally kicked him in a second, held on to him. At first, I tried to ignore the fact. Then it started bothering me. We really love each other, or maybe I should say he loves me more than I do. I know you might not believe this, but it’s true. I have sensed it many times. He really cares for me. Many of his friends and family members have come to know about us. Even his wife knows now. I introduced him to my parents as a good friend.
He wants to marry me. I want to marry him... But I cannot marry a married man. I am the only daughter of my parents. I can’t lie to them. I told him to divorce his wife, but he said he cannot leave her now. She has done a lot for him in his bad time and he cannot break those promises he gave her of a better future. (Finally a man, who respects women, is trustworthy and honest... but none of this is helping in my favor). If u solve this, you are great. I can’t live with him, and I can’t live without him. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This situation really isn’t clear. You make it seem almost perfect except for the fact that it is not. I want to dive right into this. You say his wife knows about you both, if that is a fact (which I am having a hard time believing) then a divorce would not be an issue with him assisting her in having a better future. He can fulfill that promise as a friend if he is really this “man who respects women, is trustworthy and honest”. This doesn’t seem to be the case because he doesn’t seem to be as willing to marry you as you are to marry him. You say you are not some “stupid girl in love with a married man” and I’m not saying you are but then what do you call it? You knew he was married and held on? There is a lot here to be said about a man who engages with a woman outside his marriage and then when its time to move forward with this woman, the excuse about a promise comes up to stop that and you praise him for sticking to that promise? What about his promise to be faithful to his wife? What about his promise to be there for HER through thick and thin, better or worse? You may not be some stupid girl in love with a married man but you sure are gullible. You claim to have sensed he loves you more than you love him but you both love each other, I dare to say, he is a better actor than you and you are misleading yourself to think this. I’m sure his real wife thinks he is also this wonderful, respectful, trustworthy & honest man because she isn’t some stupid girl married to a cheating, lying, disrespectful & untrustworthy husband but maybe a little gullible. You need to sit down with him and his wife, since she “knows about you both” and since it is so clear and accepting and get answers. Of course if he opposes this, then no she does not know about you both and no he is never leaving her for you. A trustworthy, honest & respectful man does NOT cheat. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been in a LONG term relationship (on year #15). We have never married, as we basically have been thru the storm and back again, growing from teens into adults along the way. I will be honest; there has been infidelity in the past, on both parts. Mine as a result of feeling unloved/unappreciated from his wandering ways...not right at all, but I was young and ignorant at the time. I want to stress to you that the past issues have completely disappeared and the relationship has made a 360 for the best. We share 2 children in common and live a great family life these days. We don't go out to clubs, hang out with single friends & we are now focused on our children and each other. To my knowledge, there has been no cheating by either party in the last 5 years. My question to you is, how do I handle the insecurities that I have with my mate? He obviously has proven in the past just "what" he is capable of. Sometimes when at work and I get no answer, I automatically begin to think the worst-who's he with, what's he doing, even though I know he may not be up to anything...I try to keep my focus on the positive, but lately the past has been haunting my mind. Is it possible for a man who once messed up so bad to change and never return to his original state? There are times when he acts differently, not old traits but similarities. Even though any cheating would have to be done on working hours or to & from work, I know it is not impossible. Am I wrong for allowing my mind to wander like this? I don't wish to share this with him because I know everyone wants to be "trusted", but I cannot keep stressing myself out like this. Some things are just not worth the stress. How do you control your mind to think more optimistically or more positive? Do you think this could be my subconscious wondering about life since I have always been so committed my adult life? I just cannot figure it all out- I really could use some guidance.
Signed, Lost in my own Mind
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost in my own Mind”,
There is something here that can attribute to your feeling this way. One is you have made the excuse acceptable for your cheating ways and you haven’t made so for his. You said your excuse (and all excuses are lame) were you feeling unloved & unappreciated, yet you haven’t included his. He may have only done so for the same exact reason. Knowing the reason doesn’t make it right but if it can dismiss the possibility of you cheating today maybe in your mind it can his. Another thing you must consider is communication, if this is really eating you up inside and you say you can’t stress yourself out over this then you must keep the option on the table to talk to him. Yes everyone in some form or fashion wishes to be trusted but you aren’t so trusting and you have the right to clear the air. Approach the situation in a concerning way not in an accusatory manner. Remind him of how happy you are for the positive changes you both have made but that something is eating you up and you are not accusing him but just want to talk. It is possible that he would never cheat, the same possibility lies with you. You both have cheated, no matter the excuse and you need to ask yourself, “Will I cheat again?” That is your answer if people can change. Please know that you have the right to address this. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man.
I just discovered your site and wanted to ask your opinion on a problem I have been having throughout my relationship with my husband. My husband has a serious addiction to masturbation where he has replaced having a normal sexual relationship with me and masturbating once, sometimes twice a day. I have known this from the beginning but made tons of excuses and expecting for it to magically disappear if only I did something right. We weren't really compatible but my husband claimed he was just stressed from work and things would be different...then it became grad school stress, then marriage, moving in and pregnancies. Whenever I suggested we spend time together I was called selfish and immature. Initiated sex and told I was too aggressive. Eventually I withdrew, became resentful and stopped initiating and lost interest in my husband. Last year I had a three month affair and while I know it was a complete mistake, it made me aware of how miserable I am. My husband and I are still together (not in reconciliation and probably never will and live in limbo until someone gets fed up and leaves) but the situation is utterly dismal. He still continues to masturbate daily and the last time we had sex was a year ago. How am I supposed to deal with this situation aside from divorce? Am I being selfish (as my husband likes to think) for expecting any form of intimacy in my life? Thanks for your time and look forward to hearing from you!
JadedWife
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “JadedWife”,
Being in a marriage isn’t like dating. There are vows and commitments from both parties that should be considered daily. A successful marriage gives reason to continuously fall in love and that starts with communication amongst other avenues a marriage warrants. One lesson leaned here is that if you see a problem early on then you must address it because not addressing it gives an unspoken permission for it to continue or grow into something worse. You said you knew he had this issue from the beginning and you made excuses for it, well now you have had an affair and you say it was a mistake but I often wonder with people that cheat, why not just be a better communicator with the person you love than opening your legs to someone who will just sex you and never love you for who you are? At this point if you want to make this work you may want to consider professional intervention, if you don’t then be the mature adult and say so. Be the adult that should say “I’m not happy and this will never work” and work out a civil way of going your separate ways. As for you expecting any type of intimacy at this point, I think you need to re-evaluate the entire situation. You are guilty of breaking what in many instances are sacred vows, he has been guilty of his disconnection and sexual masturbation from day one and you never addressed it, you publicly accepted it and privately wasn’t happy. When you accept it, he thinks its ok, then all of a sudden, many moons later you have a problem with what was perceived to be normal and he thinks you are selfish. That isn’t right but it is because he thought it was ok because you lacked the will to address honestly how you felt. What happens next depends on how much you want this marriage to work or how much you do not want it to work. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Mr. Lover Man,
I have been confused for a long time to why me and my husband sex life is not good anymore, and he blames it all on me that I don't try different things but he doesn't either and the only thing that he considers different is oral sex in which I am game but I am not good at it but I do try. But it is still pleasurable to me not unless am on top and that isn't a vaginal orgasm it's a clitoris one.
I have been getting advances from others guys which turn me on and I don't want to leave my husband for them I just want to be able to enjoy sex as well and I don't know if am thinking the wrong thing or I just need to work harder at my sex life with my husband so confused.
Janet
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Janet,
There seems to be a lack of effective communication as well as serious attempts to enhance the sexual world you both share and this is on both parties control. I think that you guys need to talk about desires, fantasies and what it is that you both like and work from there. Don’t focus on what you don’t like as much as what you both do like. You may need to work harder on your sex life but so does your husband. Communication is your missing element instead of blaming each other. The common thing is that you both can do more but you won’t know what to do unless you both convey this message. Sit down in a civil manner and express your heart, always praise the good and not only throw the bad at him and it will lead him to do the same. Good luck, please keep me posted.
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To Mr. Lover Man,
My wife has been cheating on me. I caught on to her affair and she is doing so with a married guy, not that this probably matters because she is cheating. She promised that it would never happen again and she continues to cheat with this guy. I see the texts, the calls, the emails, and it’s like she doesn’t care until I’m ready to leave. When I’m ready she cries, flips out and threatens to kill herself. Our two kids need their mother and I don’t want her to kill herself no matter how much I hate her cheating. She keeps saying it though and I don’t know if it’s real or not but she cries and says it. She threatens to leave me and the kids forever if I divorce her. I just want to be happy and I can’t be with her. I am done with this marriage and want to serve her with papers but I’m afraid she will kill herself. All this and she still is sleeping with the married man. What can I do? “Ron”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ron”,
I have learned that no matter how idiotic the threat may seem, you assume it to be real. Sometimes some people do so as a cry for attention or to get their way and sometimes they do it because they mean it. You are not legally qualified to make that determination. You must and I repeat MUST contact a professional about these threats. They cannot hold you from living your life. She made a decision to cheat and sleep around repeatedly with some married guy. You should be forever held hostage because of that disgusting decision. She has an edge on you emotionally and is using that to manipulate and hold you into place and you are allowing this to happen. Yes YOU are allowing this. If she threatens again, contact a hospital, the authorities and have them assist you in placing her somewhere where she can attempt to kill herself. This is not good for the kids and they need a more stable mother in their lives as well as a father who can do without the extra drama. Her cheating ways are also risking exposure to std’s and you should consider that at this point to. It doesn’t seem as if she is ready to give up the cheating and you surely can’t be held against your will, so you need to make some decisions because your kids need a stable environment. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My problem is that my man doesn't want me as much as he used to. He doesn’t show any affection like he used to. He doesn’t show any effort to have sex. Don’t all men want sex?! We used to have sex all the time and maybe he is bored or he found someone else. I try to ask him and he told me there is no one else. His excuse for not being physical with me is the same all the time, which is he is tired. How can someone be too tired to say I love you or too tired to show affection? I cheated on him before but I thought we moved past that. I mean, I made a mistake in the past and we've both decided to move on from that. I'm so confused as to why he's doing this to me. It seems like now that I’m going all out and trying to put all of my effort into our relationship, he isn’t doing it. When I give someone else attention, then he puts all of his effort into not losing me. What else do I need to do? From: Not Enough Loving
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Not Enough Loving”,
There is something apparent here and I think that you need to give it serious consideration. Your cheating is something you claim to have gotten over but his actions show otherwise. Did he ever get the opportunity to express himself and his feelings about being the victim of your cheating ways? Was he able to heal and come to terms with this as a bad decision you made? At times this never happens and the cheater feels since they can move on the victim should too. That’s unfair and not an effective way to perceive it. Another thing I want to touch on is that you did not make a mistake when you cheated. You made a bad selfish decision and you have to own up to that. Saying you made a mistake takes away the fact that you did the wrong thing and also takes away him being the innocent victim. This doesn’t assist in his healing process. His giving attention when you give it to others probably is because it sparks the trauma of you giving sexual attention to someone(s) else and this is why he reacts in such a manner. Communicate with him, allow him a moment to release, accept you made a selfish choice and it wasn’t a mistake and you are sure this is something you never will repeat again. Without communication, all else will fall apart. Good luck and please keep me posted.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unloved and Alone”,
This is one of those situations that I hate to encounter because it is almost like I’m the bearer of bad news. There had to be a point where this was slowly becoming this way. We often choose to ignore it thinking it will turn back around or that it isn’t that serious. Then this situation you are in happens. Married couples do masturbate, sorry if you think that’s going to stop but it won’t, especially with men. What he thinks about is his business when he masturbates and I know you want it to be thoughts of you but that isn’t the likely case with men. However, there are more important issues at hand. The way you are feeling worries me because it doesn’t seem like this is new. I get the sense that this has been going on untreated. There comes a stage where seeing a professional is needed. You need to surface and elevate your self worth. You are still amazing and still wonderful. His lack of expression and love could be that his attention is elsewhere or that things are coming to an end. Sometimes we associate time (13 years) with what we feel we should be at in a relationship and that’s not often the case. Communicate with him please. Express how you feel honestly and what these actions are doing to you. If you want to save this marriage then you are going to have to do so. The messages are definitely not from a friend and are flirtatious. Is he cheating? I can’t say that physically, however, he is definitely wrong for that engaging with those women in such a manner. You have to address how that makes you feel. He can NOT give you self worth, so why let him take it away? You are still you. Seek for that wonderful you and allow it to surface. Good luck and please let me know how things are.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi. I am very confused about where my marriage is. My husband and I have been married 4 years and have two small children. We have been happy together and have a lovely life, no money problems whatsoever. About 6 months ago, we had a debate about something in the Bible regarding the wife submitting to the husband in everything. I told him that is not literal and that different time periods mean different things but he acted very disrespectful toward me. I am a religious and he claims to be spiritual, and he did not grow up in a church. We had a strong partnership before this and now I’m feeling like we are in a competition. Since this debate I have a feeling that he has been displaying a male complex of some kind. He has made some indirect chauvinistic remarks. Although he tries very hard to hide it, I know that he feels that he is supposed to be better than me because he is a man and I am a woman. I feel like I have to be less to please him and that’s not fair to me. These past days we talked about it and he tries to take back the things he said and apologize. I don’t feel it’s that easy and I can’t forgive him. I am unhappy and one time this was the perfect marriage. I want to leave but I can't leave because of the children. I want nothing to do with the church anymore because of that verse. To add to this one of my co-workers have been making advances towards me, and I am attracted to him. The desire to have sex with my husband has left and I only think of my co-worker. I don't know what else to do. “Ready To Go”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ready To Go”,
Interestingly, this story seemed to change gears towards the end and I’m wondering if the co-worker is the real reason you no longer feel the sexual drive towards your husband. For the record, your husband’s remarks were childish and unacceptable. His indirect chauvinist comments are horrible but this new found attraction puzzles me as to why you would mention that in the latter part of your question. Often that is because that is the base here and one tends to try to avoid it if possible or add it as a “matter of fact” kind of thing. Did your co-worker know you were married because his making advance knowing so tells a lot about him. If you are looking for a sexual fest then maybe you should engage but be honest with your husband first about where you stand. You are a married woman and if you are that unhappy then you need to separate or divorce if this cannot be reconciled. It is wrong to cheat or keep a spouse around and that is misleading and will cause problems later on. You say you can’t leave for the kids but in reality they will inherit your unhappiness if you stay. I have seen these situations get ugly and the kids end up hurt the most because the parents couldn’t communicate their new position effectively. Now if you feel your marriage is 100% over than you need to take action before you involve another. You need to sit down with your now husband and come up with a mature plan on how to parent as divorced parents and how to soften the blow for the children. This should not be about you and your co-worker. At this point I say do not engage until you have a clear understanding on where you want to be with your present marriage. Good luck, please keep me posted.
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Hello Mr. Lover Man,
I have often times heard that a man wants someone that is a lady in public & a naughty girl behind closed doors. After an exchange with a trusted male confidante, he mentioned that a man wants woman that is good in bed and that I didn't “have that look" to me & that I look "too conservative". I wasn't offended by this. But I understand his point. When I go out, I carry myself like a lady and as someone you would take to meet your mother. But on the flip side, I am a great love maker & nothing is off limits with the right guy especially if I know in my heart he cares about me. I don't f*ck, I make love to a man's mind AND his body. I am a bedroom porn star. LOL!
I don't feel that I need to advertise the prize just to get someone to pay me some attention. People tell me I am pretty but that is as far as it goes with most approaches. Some have even asked for my number & never called. Maybe that is why I don't get approached often.I really want someone of substance. Is it okay that I am a closeted vixen?
Signed, Unwrap Me
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unwrap Me”,
There are differences in what men look for. Some are looking for great sex, that’s not the man you seek. Some look for great companionship and great sex grows with great partnership. Now that’s the man that’s worth your time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a closet vixen. It would be absurd to think there is. Men are a lot more visual beings than women are, studies support that incredibly. However, you do not have to flaunt it to attract a good man. A man with substance is NOT looking for a wife at “Club Suck Someone”. You do not have to advertise your bedroom skills to entice a man. You said you make love to his mind, and then use your tools. We all posses something that gives us an advantage, use yours. This also goes hand in hand with what type of man are you into. Some people claim to want to settle down but have no idea what makes them happy. Reason being is because they have only been in situations that show them what makes them unhappy. Anyone can learn to provide better sex; it takes time, lust, passion, initiative, dedication, love and the sheer willingness to please your partner. However, more importantly it takes more and shows more to be a true lady. Never question yourself because the right man exists. Look beyond your eyes. Please keep me posted, good luck.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I been with my boyfriend for 16 months and he says he needs to break up with me because he loves me too much, what does that even mean? From “Concerned and Confused”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Concerned and Confused”,
This is a simple case of "He is a freaking idiot". There could be a few things happening here, one could be that he isn’t mature enough to handle emotions of this magnitude and realized too late that he isn’t ready. Then there is the possibility that this is a pathetic cop-out to not hurt you as much and escape elsewhere. Men tend to do that to make it easier for them to leave. They run those lame lines like “It isn’t you, it’s me” or in your case “I love you too much”. Nonetheless, he is an idiot and until he matures, he doesn’t deserve someone ready for more than he is willing to give. Do not hang yourself up on this guy because you cannot make him ready or make him willing to stay. Ultimately that has to come from him. If he is this immature, then you are best departing. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I need advice on how to get my 15 year old to open up and talk about what happened to her when she was 9 she was sexually molested by my brother I didn't find out until after a good touch bad touch program at her school a year later and I was out of town on a job for railroad she was staying with my mom for that summer I got the call from school telling me in short I had him arrested and prosecuted but it cost me the relationship with my family they accused her of lying so I cut ties with them she was seen by therapists, counselors, psychiatrists etc over those yrs she developed promiscuous habits shuts down when its brought up has anger management issues because she doesn't want to talk she says she just wants to forget but her behaviors the anger, sex, cutting, have caused tension in the home and put her sister at risk as well so I had her in a boarding school for a year and a half where I thought she was making progress she went back to good grades, behavior improved from being there she said she was ready to come home I told her to finish out the school year then we would talk about it then she ran away twice from the program/school and was still acting out sexually and anger issues it got her kicked out of program and school so she had to come home. I am a single mom her dad has never been involved which also is affecting her because she wants to know him and he doesn't want to be bothered and my only support system died last year which was their godmother and the friends I thought I had deserted me saying she couldn’t be helped and won't allow their children to be around her. This also hurts her because they grew up together. She is a good hearted person who really loves to help others she is always trying to help the elderly in our area she is an honor role student, loves basketball, writing and can be a great child until she starts hanging around the wrong crowd then that's when the arguments start and the fighting the I don't care comments wishing she wasn't here because she can't have her way staying out past curfew she has said she can't talk to me about what happened because it was my brother and she doesn't want to hurt me but I want her to move forward with all the positives she has the smarts, beautiful, generous and giving spirit, an excellent writer and wants to write as well as be a heart surgeon but the negatives keep getting in the way by talking about to get it out of her and release it I'm out of solutions and options aside from praying and giving it to God to give me patience and strength to not give up on my child it’s just us now me her and her sister I want her to be able to finally get it out and release it to move forward in the gifts God has blessed her with I love my child with everything in me but I feel useless because I haven't been able to help her get over and through it! So any advice suggestions I'm open to. Thanks for listening/reading.
Mom out of solutions
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mom out of solutions”,
Molestation/Sexual abuse in children is so complex and much more when it is our child(ren). We as parents uncontrollably get emotionally involved and want our child to be honest, open & healed right away. Sadly, this will not be the case. A molested/abused child is dealing with so much confusion right now. They start to blame self, trust others less and often much worse. This leaves an indelible mark in their fragile/innocent minds. This can compromise their confidence and sense of developing healthy self-worth. They more often than not become withdrawn.
Then there is that part of the parent who feels they tried it all and gets burned out at the rebellion, plus the negative & destructive expression of the child. It definitely takes a toll. I do want to say that remaining composed will help more than showing frustration or emotional breakdowns.
When the offender is a family member or a close neighbor, parents should never disbelieve a child about their expressing sexual abuse & I honor you for siding with your daughter over your brother. Had you not done so, your relationship would have been severed for sure with your daughter. When trying to get her to open up, do not appear aggressive. This is not an interrogation. Do not throw in her face much because there is no reason to add to the guilt. You see her new actions all derived from the molestation. She is at a place where she releases with anger. Sometimes victims become sexual, not because they liked it, but often because they hated and need to like it to come to terms with it. So often they feel that’s all they are worth, and at times it’s their only way of expression that they feel appreciated.
The good that she possesses is there & I am so glad to hear that. It is hard to do so but be continuous about expressing inner feelings. You may want to open up about things with yourself you never shared. Open the doors for comfort in expressing. It can be in writing or drawings as well as speaking. Do happy things together. Sometimes the best way to get one to open up is to make the environment comforting. The home may not be that environment as things may constantly remind her of the negative. Remind her that she has the right to vent but you are concerned with her methods of venting. Reassure her of her preciousness. Remind her that she is still your baby throughout it all.
She is at a stage where peer pressures, media outlets & hormonal changes are all involved. She needs you more so as a friend than a mother. She may not be warm to the authoritative adult figure at this stage and needs a little bit more of a friend and confidant. Focus on communication. Sometimes they open up when you least expect it because there was comfort rebuilt in the environment. She should feel the opportunity to speak, when she expresses those words of anger or rage, don’t jump on her right away. Give it a moment and then ask her to express why she feels that way. I applaud your parental love and support. Adding additional professional resources never hurts, it can only help. Please continue to fight. Please keep m posted, best of luck.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it wrong that I still love my ex? We broke up 2 years ago. I can’t seem to be happy anywhere else. I cheated once and he left me. He has been with his new girlfriend for a year and I’m wondering should I tell him how I feel. Should I? He seems happy but I know I can make him happier. I feel it. What should I do? Sincerely, “Better than her”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Better than her”,
First thing, your sign off name sends the wrong message with what you are asking. You cannot dictate his happiness and in some ways he may not feel you are “Better than her” so erase the hate. With that being said, let’s begin. It is not wrong to love someone. That isn’t the emotion of control and at times we love people we don’t know if we should. You were in a relationship with him and it is understandable to still have feelings. Now expressing it is debatable. I firmly believe that one should always express their feelings, IF NOT done in malice. I say that because I’m wondering if this is about your love for him, or his love for her. You claim you can make him happier but your actions made him leave. Before you attempt to cause confusion o express your claim to make him happier, you should respect how he feels about his relationship. Talk about that first. This isn’t about you only. There are two other people involved and at this point, they are a union. Talk to him about how he feels with his girlfriend before you throw your monkey wrench in their plans. I hope that your reasons are pure, and just to release but if it is in any form a hate move or an attempt to break them up for your personal gain, I say don’t do it. Good luck with it and please keep me posted.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
The man I love told me he is not in love with me & we want two different things. I feel he lied because all this time I been telling him I love him and he been telling me he loves me back but he really never have meant it. I still love this boy to this day and I still want to be with him but I just want to get over him and not think about him at all. I keep trying to say the right things so he can come back to me but he still want to be with his ex and he still love her and I think that's what hurt the most. Thank you “Lost Love”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost Love”,
Situations like this happen and so many times we associate this with a lost or wonder what we can do to win them back as if they are some gift and that is not the case at all. First thing that one must realize is that the education from the situation is the true gift, take time to assess and realize that one does not want to be chased by you so stop running after him. You need to step back and live your life. I know it sounds easier than it is but he made a decision and despite whatever words he lied to you about in the past, you can not live by those words and not live by his words that he wants his ex over you. Use the truth to detach. He is done with you, that may hurt but you need to want better for you and he is not that answer. No matter what “right things” you think you are saying, you need to do the right things for you. He is not for you. Love yourself more and be better for you. Good luck, please keep me posted
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I broke up with my girl about a month ago, because I was unhappy with how things were going. We decided to work on ourselves for about a month, but she didn't work on herself, she stayed angry at me for 3 whole. We even tried no contact, and we that didn’t work, I only initiated contact once...And the other 2 or 3 times she contacted me first. She's told me she's changed for the better, and when I told her she needs to prove to me that she has changed, she said she can't because she "isn't ready". She says she doesn’t know what the future would bring, but she knew she couldn't do this right now. She told me she still loves me but she isn't in love with me as much as she used to be since we broke up. Do you think she will come back? Because I've always heard if she loves you, she will find her way back. What do you think? Appreciate it “”IDK Anymore”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “IDK Anymore”
Sometimes a break can make one realize that the best thing is not to return. Her statement of not being ready and no longer being in love the same are clear signs that she is entertaining opting out of this relationship and you should consider the same. One cant hold on to someone who doesn’t wish to be held. She isn’t ready and she may never be ready for you. She may find herself ready to move on elsewhere and it has been a month and to me time isn’t set in stone, so for everyone time differs, but the conversation of seeing other people should be made. You cant hold on if she is thinking of a permanent escape. Ultimately you have to be happy too and you wont be holding on if she doesn’t want you. Of course she may want to return to your arms but you need to communicate about other alternatives to know more or less where you stand because at this point she seems to be most clear about not being ready for you. I wish the best for you. Please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I was in a good relationship which, for me, ended from one day to the next. It didn't take my ex more than 3 weeks to find himself a new romance. In the mean time while he is off with his new romance, I am a wreck-not eating, sleeping little, and feeling bitter by his actions.
I asked people and the most common excuse I've heard for my ex's behavior is "Well, he can move on faster because in his mind it's been over a while so he prepared for it"
Is that supposed to justify his actions and make how they end the relationship without fault? I'm very interested to hear your perspective on this? Where is the accountability? “What About Me”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “What About Me”,
Sometimes not knowing is something that will be the way it will permanently end. There are however possible reasons for his sudden actions and one could be very well what people are offering as a common answer and that is that he already processed it was over. He may have done so long before the actual “sudden” break-up so for him to break-up from one day to the next was not so sudden to him as it was to you. Seems like lack of communication, definitely on his part but I wonder if on yours as well. Does this justify his actions? Depends on the aspects of the relationship, if you were cheating, or doing things of that nature then he had no reason to honor you by justification, however, if you tried your best and he just wasn’t into you then the honorable thing to do would be to communicate. Reality is that many people (men & women alike) are not the most honorable persons they could be. So where does that leave you? Well first thing is that you may consider counseling of some for, because your actions of sleep & eating deprivation worries me. His choice to move on may be heart breaking but its his choice. Time waits for no one and as harsh as that sounds, you need to consider your next move without him. You are wonderful and you need to love yourself again, and love yourself even more than ever. Do things you always wanted to do and didn’t and make this healing process about you. Prepare for tomorrow, do not carry yesterday with you because it weighs too much and will hold you down. Want more and be more and you will get more, that I promise. Good luck with everything, please stay in touch.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My ex and I had a good relationship, there was a good balance. For no apparent reason, out of no where, one day he stopped talking to me. I tried to talk to him but he told me he needed to focus on finals. A month later he broke up with me for no reason. He told me something vague. Then he told me we're not compatible, which was crap. Though I am sure he wasn't dating anybody else. I think he's immature. We had minimal socialization in the time period away. One day after a month I was walking by him and his friends and they were saying some stupid stuff and laughing loudly whenever I would walk past them. Even when we were together he flip flopped from being a true gentleman and sometimes laughing at me for not knowing certain things he knows.
Now, a year later he sends me a message asking me if it'd be too much to ask to be friends with me.
I don't get it. And I don't know if I must respond to it or not. I do really like him, but I don't know if this is just a game, in which case I want nothing to do with it.
Did he finally realize we were good together? Or is this for a booty call?. Help please. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Don’t go ahead of yourself here with the misleading. Even wondering if all of a sudden he may have “realized” you guys were good together can lead you to further heart break. There is a strong chance that is not the case and that’s perfectly fine. You need to remember that on more than one occasion he has abandoned you or mocked you and although there are good points, it appears the bad outweighs them. He has not even made any indication to want anything more than friendship and I’m not sure how much of a friend he would be. He may abandon you when you need to talk, it isn’t the friendship I need nor would want. Not in the least. As for his sudden leaving, if he doesn’t give you solid reason then just accept the truth that he abandoned you without forewarning and realize you deserve better and you are warranted much more. You can NOT wait for Mr. Wrong to turn into Mr. right, you do not owe him a response and if you choose to, be very clear about the relationship you choose to enter, whether friendship, or associates. Don’t re-enter leading with your heart because he sure as heck isn’t. You need to solidify that you are healing so you do not enter wounded and susceptible to being his prey. Be strong, always remember your true worth and be more always. Good luck, keep me posted.
Note to all Answer Seekers: There very well have been signs in each and every one of your relationships that we often ignore, misinterpret or see late. Question these signs always, dont mislead yourself or ignore them. I wish the best for you all.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My question is not an easy one. Here goes my story, I was in a relationship with this woman for 3 years, then one day she decided to break up with me and that same week she just got with some dude who she met online while being with me and moved in with him that week. They were together for about a year and me and her became friends somewhat. She confided in me that he treats her badly and talks to her like she is worthless. It hurts me because I still love her, she has changed somewhat because now she has been sleeping with men and says it’s because of the hurt she is going through in her relationship. I am one of them men she has slept with and I want to attempt to work it out but now she wants to just run and relocate to another state. What do I do to get her to work things out with me? I’m confused. Thank you, Will I Am Not.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Will I AM Not”,
There is a problem here that you are not highlighting and I do not know if it is because you simply do not see it or do not see it. Your ex has issues, and her issues stem from well before this guy who treats her bad. She obviously created a dialogue with a person while with you. Played you for a period of time until she could make her escape to another man’s residence and this time she hit a wall. There must be something in her past that suggests the type of person she is and maybe you didn’t take the time out to learn your partner well enough. Never fret, this is educational and you need to learn to take care of what’s best for you. As for you trying to convince her of not making the move, for all you know she could have plotted this same behavior again and has some other online guy in another state waiting for her arrival. You can’t be “Captain Save Em”. She doesn’t choose to pursue you or any other man in your neighborhood for anything more than sex and maybe a place to live, however, what about your heart? What about your happiness, do you not feel you deserve more than this. Her sleeping with men has absolutely nothing to do with one guy treating her bad. Did you treat her bad when she decided to just lave unannounced one day and into the residence of another man? You need to talk to a professional, have a session, learn your full value, wear that value and attract a good woman that will love, honor & cherish you as you should her. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am dating this guy that has a baby’s mother and I’m confused because I don’t know what to make of the situation. They seem to get along well, I wonder if it is too well. They act like good friends and her man and my man even act like they are friends. We all have gone out and it’s not like he gives any of them more attention than me, but I never really see this and I wonder what is really going on. I mean, if they this cool, and then should I be worried that she and him have a chance to get back together? Thanks for responding. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
You should not be emailing me this, you should be taking this time to push your man in bed and give him the thank you of a lifetime. What you have is a very mature situation where two people realized they are better as friends and parents and have no intention of going past that. Never bring thoughts from other situations into that. This is an individual situation worthy of bragging. The fact that your man and her man are cool is maturity on a level all parents who do not wish to pursue a relationship should be on. You are welcomed into a world of love. The child is blessed to have this “family” and I can see where your concern comes in but I always like to say “If you look for negativity, you will find it, even if it DOESN’T exist.” These situations are a model situation and wish the total best for you all. Please keep me posted, I have a feeling that once you get past these thoughts, your relationship will enhance tenfold.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I am wondering why he hasn’t let me meet his 5 year old son yet. I’m wondering if his son even knows that his father has a girlfriend. I want to be more with him but I feel like he just doesn’t let me into that part of his life and isn’t that important? I want to ask him but I don’t know how. Should I ask him or wait, it has been four months. Much Thanks. Kima
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Kima,
I see where your concern comes in, however, it is unwarranted. The time of your relationship may not sit well with your boyfriend in accordance with an introduction of his son. His son being 5 years old makes this a security issue as well. I can see your eagerness to “solidify” this relationship by being a part of his most precious world and it is understandable but a parent must always be careful. Ask about his son, show concern, and ask about his son’s likes and dislikes. These are ways of showing genuine concern and enable a parent to feel it from within. Four months or 14 months doesn’t warrant a meeting, but the level of concern and love expressed does. Trust me, instead of asking when you will meet him; make him want you to meet his son with your heart. Good luck with everything, please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I don’t know if I should be upset or not but when my girlfriend goes out with her female friends she gets kind of drunk and she tends to have their short kissing sessions with her friends and or these body touching moments where her and her female friends touch each other’s body parts. I don’t know how to take this, should I take this as a tease and ask for a three-some, should I be upset that she is doing this with another, even though it’s women? I’m really confused and don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. Can you shed some light? Mr. Confused Boyfriend
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Mr. Confused Boyfriend,
First thing you have to acknowledge is how you feel. That will give you a ledge on where to go with this situation. Once you are more familiar with this then bring a conversation of it. If it turns you on tell her that you love to watch her kiss women, and that because you take part in kissing her you really never viewed it. Express your curiosity of her feelings and thoughts and how far is she into it. If you have dislikes about this then you need to address that ASAP. Never allow that to fester and build within because then it will come out to be negative and destructive and you do not want that. I cannot tell you what you are supposed to be feeling but being that she does this in front of you can mean many things, it can be that she is simply a bad drunk and can’t make reliable decisions, it could be that she wants you to know another side of her and being drunk is the best way to comfortably show you, or it could be that she wants involvement from you. I know that in order for you to find out, you are going to need to communicate with her. Having effective communication will open her up to how she is feeling and you will learn more on how you are feeling. No matter what way it sways, you will learn something you need to learn. Good luck and keep me posted.
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