LADIES, THIS MIGHT BE WHY HE IS NO LONGER INTO YOU.

One thing that I always found interesting was the mythical notion about the power of a woman's vagina over men. This of course is a falsehood and women should be made very aware that your vagina does not possess special powers nor will it make someone stay with you.
The clear difference when men become attached to the vagina is more so the emotional attachment they have to you than the physical. Sex is sex in many instances and that is why someone can sex you and lose interest. There was not emotional bonding, nor the interest beyond your physical presence, and quite frankly, if all you offer is the physical, once that is obtained, why should someone stick around. The mission has been accomplished.
Here are some reasons why despite you thinking you have a super vagina, men may still not be into you anymore..

To start off, he probably was not into you as a person because he sexed you without knowing you, then as he started to learn who you were, he realized you didn't offer whom he wanted to build a foundation with.

The second reason is bluntly put that he just wanted sex and you obliged. Period. This is often when he probably found someone of more interest or was not looking for something out the bedroom and you hinted for more.

Maybe he isn't into you anymore because you nag too much. Cardinal sin: Nagging. One of the biggest turn offs is nagging and it doesn't get mentioned enough. Men tend to look at this as a female trait and although that is not necessarily true, this is usually what happens before he finds himself trying to hear sensible female voices elsewhere. The nagging is annoying and will lead him elsewhere.

Stop forcing him to so many functions he is not interested in. There should be a balance and a limit to how much he has to endure or you have to endure as well. If he doesn't go to Church, introduce him to it but forcing him will not get him a pass to Heaven. Find meaningful conversation about your beliefs that will show him the importance and have him open-minded about exploring a spiritual life or religious life. Don't try to force religion on anyone as this has been known to backfire and push him away. 

If you take long to shop, just say it and stop dragging him along and forcing him to feel like a third wheel even when it is only you both. Make the shopping trip an experience for you both, not just about your bags and shoes. This is something that can push a guy away.

If your family/friends gives him a hard time and doesn't like him, do not force them on him. Sometimes gradual moves are best and space works most. This discomfort can make him explore other options.

Another reason he may not be into you anymore is that he realized you aren't pulling your weight. Sometimes you are more expensive than you are proven and he feels like he is the only one shelling out cash. Had this been 100 years ago, that would be great but in this day and age, men expect an independent working woman who brings more to the plate than her vagina and being there are so many that bring much more to the plate, he has options.

One more reason he isn't into you anymore despite you having a vagina is that possibly, in your efforts to impress him, you were not being fully yourself and the real you began to surface and the real you is not what he is attracted to. Now being yourself does not mean to give too much information too soon because that too can be too much for him. He doesn't need to know how many partners you had or stories about your ex on the first couple dates, if at all. Sometimes he wants to know important events from the past but most interested in who you are today. Let time open ways to introduce bigger past moments. To save this event from ever happening, be yourself from day one. This is always best.

Ladies, you are amazing and there is someone out there for you.  Men need to work on themselves as well as you need to work on yourselves. Think about these suggestions. It will not hurt.

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DATING HURDLES

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a successful black woman and I am having trouble finding a good black man that appreciates my success. I always hear that men of color envy us successful black women and that’s probably why I am having a hard time dating. Can you tell me what’s the issue with these men? “Strong Black Queen”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Strong Black Queen”,

The issue is probably you as a person. Your ignorance of these men is so visible that you probably turn them off on the initial conversation. For the record, men are not intimidated by the education and successes of women. Women are more in college than men, we know this and we don’t mind it at all. A man wants an educated and successful woman or one working on her successes. The ones that don’t are the ones that usually lack self-confidence and are a bit more immature than others. If those are the only men you are attracting then you need to re-evaluate that. Too often it is misunderstood that of black men is that "black men are intimidated by successful black women." The success isn't what disconnects men and women it's the perceived attitude that comes with the education and success. If two people make each other feel valued and appreciated, then the relationship will work despite educational or professional successes. It is great to be happy with one has done but that isn’t everything about a person. Give people to learn more about to you from within. Date without wearing stereotypes on your eyes and you will see things better. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a tall woman. I stand at 6 feet 2 inches and I am always having trouble with finding someone to date. One time these two guys approached my friend and I and both were very interested in me until I stood up. I saw the look in their faces and saw the amount of attention I was receiving fade away. I don’t know what to do. It gets depressing because I don’t know what to do about it. Help me please. “Tall But Fun”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Tall But Fun”,

There are men that are shorter and are not comfortable with dating taller women because they are more concerned with how it “looks” to other people. Those types of people you do not need directly in your life because they are a headache waiting to happen. I will say this, being that so many narrow minded people over look you (no pun intended) the ones that do show interest are more likely to be open minded individuals and a better catch than the ones who are too superficial and narrow minded. You can appreciate the person for who they are minus the concerns of height differences.
Listen, the fact of the matter is whether you wear heels or flats, you are going to be tall. Embrace it and don’t feel any shame from it. Men love confident women, tall or short. Utilize your gifts and be a better person from within. If any guy doesn’t you due to your height, that’s fine because someone will probably not want them for being too short. Continue to focus on the better you and I promise you that you will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong with dating. I'm letting my guard down and am going to spill my guts. First and foremost I have a lot to offer. I'm a good person, confident, and successful. I was in the service for 9 years traveled and continued my education. I'm far from needy or insecure but it’s come to a point where I feel like any person I've taken any sort of interest for seems to leave and for what appears to me as no reason at all. I currently coach a swim team, volunteer, run marathons, run 3 offices for a successful company, have my own money, own life, own home and a great family. I love to laugh am fit very sarcastic into all sorts of music activities and sports. I have a good head on my shoulder and I have no problem with men approaching me. I don't want to sound conceited but I've worked hard for what I've got. I'm not a gold digger or rude by any means.

 Anyways, I've been back in the dating scene for two years and haven't passed a 3rd date. It’s so frustrating. Yes, sometimes it’s my fault because I realized the person wasn't for me but for example the most recent guy... I really enjoyed his company. We met online, spoke for a couple months and had a date early Dec. It was more my fault then his because of both of our schedules we had to plan in advance. Keep in mind both of us have busy schedules and children. From the get go we never spoke or text daily but would randomly have conversations anywhere from weekly to bi weekly. We finally met up and had a great night. Following the date he informed me he had a great time and would like to take me for dinner again. A week or 2 passed we exchanged Christmas cards (I sent one first) it was simple and humorous. Anyways, I received tickets to an event and asked if he'd like to join me. He replied I’d love to. We had our 2nd date for Jan. 14th. We continued talking after and then he cancelled. The day prior he sent me several messages and I quote, “Hey, Hope u are doing good. I did some sledding of my own with the kids tonight. Pretty cold out there but lots of fun.  Definitely not warm like Dallas was. Can't complain though, we've had it easy so far this winter. You are going to HATE me, but I'm going to have to cancel for tomorrow. I'm so sorry and sad that I can't make it. I don't want to give u a lame excuse over text so let me know if u can chat tonight or tomorrow.  I'm so sorry, I feel terrible about it especially the short notice.   I'll pay u for the tickets if u had to purchase them, I'm serious.  Blue man would have been fun, but hanging out and seeing u again is what I was really looking forward too! It sucks." Okay so at first I was hurt and disappointed but I'm not going to say that. So I responded the next day with: I’m disappointed you can't make it but I understand things happen. The following morning I sent him a text, “I had a great time last night! Wish you could have made it. Don’t feel bad either, save that for when the packers win today!"

Guy. I'm glad u had a great time last night. Again, I'm so sorry. Because I feel terrible for canceling on you, I'll wish your packers well today. .. and the fact that they are down 10 points late in the game has nothing to do with it.

Me... Ha-ha funny guy, can I ask you something?

Guy: Sure

(next day)

Me: Good morning! Sorry, my phone died last night. I was just reading some refinance offer from the bank for some of our properties yesterday and there was one thing I didn’t understand. I was going to "take advantage of you" ;) and ask for a better explanation since you are well-versed in that sort of thing but I’m meeting with our attorneys at 10 today so I’ll just bother them. Lol Thank you anyways, have a great day!

This was last Monday the last contact I've had with him. What happened? I don't want to initiate contact more than him. I'm not sure where I went wrong??? If he wouldn't have contacted me after the first date I would have assumes he wasn't interested and let go. I don't know if he's just that busy he has contacted (I know he had the kids this weekend) or was this his polite hint to me that he's not interested. Usually not hearing from him in a week I wouldn't think anything of it but since he canceled I can't help but wonder. Should I let him make the next step or should I reach out to him? If I reach out I'm worried he's just so nice maybe he'd reply anyways??? I don't know anymore please help!!! Thanks PS I know I sound crazy but I can assure you I'm not! Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

In you mentioning all the good things about yourself, I wonder if you are overlooking your flaws. We all have them and maybe your inability to acknowledge them or address them is something that is working against you. There are some males who are intimidated by the successes of a good woman; those males are not needed in your circle. There are also men who wish to see beyond the successes of a woman and maybe they only see the successes. There could be a few things going on here for the overall dealings with different dates. The one particular example you mention, I would say that there is no need to dwell on any person who doesn’t wish to keep you in their world. If only for educational purposes, then I understand, other than that, it’s pointless. He could have very well been slowly pulling away from you and saw a window when you phone battery died. Also, the lack of contact (bi-weekly or weekly) probably made him think there wasn’t going to be much growth or room for it. There could be a dozen reasons, but I do know one thing, you will never know by playing the contact/no contact game. Pride is senseless in cases like this because if you reach out and speak straight up seeking a direction and he opts out, at least you know. The most mature person usually reaches out and asks for the direction of the situation. Don’t be concerned with the games or the response. Play your part by asking honestly and seeing if the interest is enough to continue communication. If not, move forward. As for the general sense of the dating world, it isn’t about anything other than learning people. As long as you take time to learn the other person at a respectful pace and give the least you can about you unless asked, then you will be fine. Acknowledge your flaws and make no excuses for them, they are who you are as well as all those things you mentioned about yourself earlier. Good luck and keep me posted.

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TIME TO COME CLEAN

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am in a peculiar situation that I am sure I have not read on the previous posts but I feel that you will give it to me with honesty. Here is the thing, I am in love with someone that I probably should not be in love with. I am 19 and so is she. We were raised right next to each other and our parents gew up together. They always say we are cousins but we are not related by blood at all. Our parents are our God-Parents and they would be upset if they knew that we have been involved for a year. Here is where the situation gets harder. She is 4 months pregnant and we have been hiding it very well. I know that there will be a time we cant hide it but I dont even know how to tell my parents or her parents without breaking their hearts. Please guide me through this.We are in love deeply. Thank you from *John Doe*

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "John Doe",

Situations like this may not be an everyday affair but they happen. I will say that there is no way to convey this message to the families without any person feeling a certain way, however, the message can be delivered to make sure that your point is felt. One thing you want to do is admit your feelings in a way that is not only showing your mature security in the relationship but flatters the parents that they know you love their daughter because she is a great person from a great family. How could you not love her? Remind them of the closeness, the years of knowing one another in detail and how it evolved fom a friendhsip like no other. Admit your fears in expression but stand strong in confidence. Will this ease everyones heart 100%? Maybe not but it will ease many. You really want to open them up to the perspective of you guys and ultimately the happiness of your independent relationship matters most but I can clearly see its important to have everyone on board. Follow what I said and I think it will lead you to where you want it to be. Keep me posted. Good luck.

 Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Please help me. I am doing something that you might think is wrong and a part of me does too but it just happened. I am sleeping with one of my friend's boyfriend on the side. I did not want to but it just happened and now I feel bad. To make things worse, I think I might be pregnant. I dont want to be with him or have his baby and I dont want to lose my friend.I read your blog alot and seen you help people with worse situations. Can you please help me. Thank you. *Anonymous*

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Anonymous",

The term "friend" has been disrespected by your blatant disrespect. The very same term has been disrespected by your unwillingness to value such a term by opening your legs easily to one of the few off limits people in a friendship. So in your mention of worst situations, thats not for me to say but as you try to convicne yourself of this, know that you are wrong in every form here. Now your friends boyfriend is a piece of trash as well but he did not ask me for my words so i wont say much on him. We could safely transer what I say to you to him. You need to test for pregnancy and decide your next steps in that world. If you should be pregnant, you and him are going to have to finally act mature and come to decisions. As fo your friendship, you do not deserve it but that can be decided by your friend as I hope you allow maturity toassist in you coming clean. Your friend deserves an honest friend and an honest relationship with a man who is more than just a male. You have to walk her through it in your eyes. This rarely eases the blow but can make the possibilty of a continued friendship exist. The "it just happened" line is loaded with bull and should not be used here. You have to be honest and stop looking to be the victim, you are not. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am sleeping with my sisters best friend. My sister would hate me for it but we are in love and we are tired of hiding it. It has been 17 months and its annoying because when we all hang out (which is rare as a group), my sister talks about other guys and my girl feels like she has to entertain this and I am not comfortable. Should we just tell her? This is too much. Thanks for the advice beforehand. *Anonymous Male*

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Anonynous Male",

I have this feeling that by this point, your sister may feel a slight form of betrayal from one o both of you and that may not be avoidable. You have to be able to remain honest and stong. Tell your sister how it begun and its emotional evolution. Tell her how important she is to you both and how it matters how she feels. She doesnt want to feel removed or as if she isnt the best friend to her and the sister to you. In past experiences I have heard from, the sister can feel detached or like a third fiddle, as if she no longer holds the exact role of importance and you want to make sure she doesnt. Dont be afraid to tell her however, be very aware of her feelings. As for your discomfort when your sister has girl talk with your girl, well thats your fault fo hiding this for so long. So park your "Im annoyed" cry and focus on delivering the message of importance. Good luck and keep me posted.

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CAN SOCIAL MEDIA STRAIN A RELATIONSHIP?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Here it is, my girlfriend is always upset when I’m on Facebook. She doesn’t see me doing anything wrong but is always upset assuming someone wants me. How can I get her to see that I am just connecting with old friends I haven’t seen in years and that it is not what she thinks? P.S. I do not get upset when she is online at all. Thanks from: A guy punching keys.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “A guy punching keys”,
There are some things to consider here, one being the amount of time taken from your relationship being spent on social media. This is something that may cause trouble and is increasingly an issue in today’s relationships. Now what you and your girlfriend determine too much and enough time is something you both should come to terms with. If you are neglecting your girlfriend for social media then you need to re-evaluate that. However, she may be the jealous, insecure type and there are ways to show her that her suspicions are completely wrong. Have you or are you planning to meet any of these old friends? If so, you should plan a bigger gathering for a few of these long lost friends and ask that they bring their partners for a semi night out/reunion type of thing and you bring your girlfriend. This can and usually does ease a lot when not only they see the woman you chose but your woman sees that they have chosen elsewhere as well.
This is not a fool proof remedy but it has worked before. You have to communicate to your girlfriend in an honest and effective manner her position in your world and the position these friends are in. It is nice to re-connect and we all know friendships are important. There should be a compromise on that but you must in all of your best efforts try to understand how your girlfriend feels and she should be considerate to your feelings as well. Good luck and keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My boyfriend and I clearly both have trust issues because of our past. We both admitted that we've been cheated on and have very hurtful ex relationships but we're committed to each other, until I made a small mistake. A hiccup I want to call it. My ex boyfriend requested me on Facebook. Stupid me, I accepted it on a whim but took all but 5 minutes to realize what I did wasn't right. I unfriended him right away. But in that 5 minutes, it popped up on my boyfriends news feed just as he was browsing the site during his lunch break. He mentioned it to me the weekend it happened and we spoke of it briefly. 2 weeks later, a night together felt distant with him and when we started to talk about it, he mentioned that the incident has been on his mind ever since. Basically, he told me he trusted me before, but now that this happened, he said we should slow down and take it day by day. I told him I would never go back to my ex or communicate with him because I am very happy with my current boyfriend. I got so emotional to a point where I opened up a lot, cried then continued to tell him that not only was I cheated on, my ex got another woman pregnant and he used me for money and car rides. My boyfriend became emotional as well and cried. 3 days later, I feel distant from him but I'm told by friends I need to give him space. I'm scared to lose him and I'm scared it will be because of something as small as Facebook. I'm going through millions of thoughts and I'm just so confused. Give him space or keep telling him how much I care about him? Help! Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This situation is not a complete disaster. There has to be steps taken, things will not solve itself overnight and you have to be an effective communicator. I don’t think space is required unless it is something he is adamant about. It is important that you express how you feel without constantly running your story about your ex to the ground. Men really don’t want to hear that when you guys are going through things. Sometimes women think by bad mouthing or talking up the bad things of the ex, that it will somehow ease the situation but it doesn’t. Men view it as you not being able to let go. This situation is not usually a deal breaker and if you guys are really involved, I believe you can work through this. Be honest and determined to expressed your feelings for your man as opposed to your disdain for your ex, it isn’t related and shouldn’t be brought up together.
He has insecurities and trust issues and no matter what he said about him trusting you, it isn’t met by action. You guys need to really talk about where you stand and how badly this has dented his perception. The world of social media at times can be intrusive if allowed and can be harmless in the same light. Good luck.








Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My man always have bitch fits like he gets mad over petty shit and it’s like he can do stuff and I can't like. Check this out, on twitter an individual had this thing on there about big girl appreciation day and that he would retweet (re-post) the best looking girl so I told my boyfriend about it and told him I submitted and the individual retweeted (re-posted) my picture and he just got upset and said “see that's what I'm talking about” and then there was silence the whole night and the next day which is today still haven't talked to him. What should I do? Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
There seems to be a big wave in effects as to how upset people are getting due to the injecting of social media activities in one’s life. There was a time when it was all fun and games and now there seems to be a huge seriousness to it. I think that what has happened with social media in general is that it has become a large medium for advertising, dating and so forth. So much that every year people are leaning more and more too online dating and there are more commercials on the internet than your very own television. With that being said, there is a subconscious seriousness to social media and even though so many people say things like “It’s just Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, etc” that isn’t really an overall vote. In your situation there needs to be a sit down and both sides need to express communication as to the level of importance in your actions. Many men do not find comfort in his woman voluntarily submitting photos to some random individual you do not have a personal friendly relationship with. Many times it is perceived as reaching for attention or offering of self. Now, I’m not saying that is the matter here but it is how many men perceive it. Many times individuals who pose these social media “acts” are just looking for means to exploit women on social media and either makes fun of or brag about the pictures they collect. Rarely is it to give props or show a high level of respect to the woman submitting the photo and these are the thoughts that some men allow to be injected into their minds and it gives them that attitude you complained about.
Now this may not be a big deal to you but in a relationship it isn’t only about you, it’s about you both and you need to hear him out and find out exactly what it is that’s going on in his head. Effective communication is always key and when at times people do get into those fits of silence, timing is very relevant. You can always ask to discuss his and your feelings but even if both of your positions are completely different with perception on social media, you have to both respect each other. Good luck, let me know what happens.

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PARK YOUR PRIDE OUTSIDE & LEAVE YOUR EGO AT THE DOOR

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Why do men always act like they don’t need help or like they are the sh#t, even when they are down and out. What’s with this whole front like they can’t accept whatever their situation is? How can I get with a man when every time I do, the dude is talking about what he did or going to do? I dated this one guy that kept reliving his high school football days. Like I really want to hear about that. Is there are men out there that doesn’t hide behind their pride or lies? Thank you in advance. Confused Jane Doe


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused Jane Doe”,
I want to start out by saying all men are NOT this way. This may be the type of men you have dealt with and for some reason you attract but this is not the story of all men. Those men or rather, those males you deal with are in the more immature category and you have to ask yourself why they gravitate towards you in particular, while doing so, understand that there are some idiots out there that still believe in this gender separation and go for the Neanderthal way of thinking when it comes to male and female gender roles. One thing about men is that when a man mentions his triumphs, whether past or present, it’s for a reason. The same way it is said that women are more sensitive, at times a man likes his partner to pay attention to what he is saying and would like validation in that. If the roles were reversed and you were telling him something about someone close to you and he shut you down, you wouldn’t be the happiest. Maybe the pride is up because you kick the ego in the sack. This isn’t only about you when you are in a relationship and although I believe pride and ego should be left somewhere, they do exist. Maybe his way of opening communication is thru his most comforting accomplishments. What’s wrong with asking more about them and engaging in his interests for a moment? I’m pretty sure you aren’t always the most entertaining conversationalist or they wouldn’t be bringing these things up. Be fair and do not let the blame fall short of your lap. You play a role.






Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I feel like I have two boyfriends, one when his boys are there and one when his boys are not there. It’s like they carry his pride and ego with them and he tries to show out when they are around. I am fed up and annoyed and about to leave this situation. What do you think I should because this man has me at the point where I’m about to flip. Thanks. Suzie.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Suzie”,
First thing here is that your boyfriend carries the “boy” part of the title very well. That is something that should have died out after puberty, high school the most. With that being said, the problem exists and running away isn’t the answer if there is true emotion invested in this situation. What has to happen is that there has to be a coming of the minds (If possible with the man child). You have to sit him down and express your honest feelings and what this situation is doing to the relationship. Don’t ask him to be the floating poet around his boys because his relationship with them has probably been that way for years but you can firmly let it be known that you do not wish to accept less from him because they are in the area. He should be able to be his other side with his boys but can find a way to morph the two parts of him where it is healthy in all areas. It isn’t hard to do. He has to feel safe doing so and I’m sure you can assist in that department. Remind him how it hurts and how it frustrates you but you want him to be him all the time. You aren’t trying to change him but you just want a little consistency. In a very civil manner, I can see ground being made. Please keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi There, I hope you're well; I acquired your email address at your site, and wondered if you may be able to help me. I'm a 43 year old woman; for the past 2 years I have been seeing a lovely gentleman. Sadly this gentleman is a paraplegic (we met after his injury). He has issues, and hang-ups about himself, which I feel are natural; however I love him, and have told him this. He seems to play what I call mind games, and feels the need to constantly test me. For example, he might send me a text message saying he "would like to leave things be", I go along with his request, and give him reassurance indirectly. Last week I called to wish him a happy new year. He pretended not to know who was calling (even though my no would have displayed on his phone), and he had often played this game I feel to hide his true feelings from me. I said hello and he said Hi, and hung up, I rang him back, and he answered me and then hung up again. I have tried to call him since, however it's as though he's ignoring my calls. I have not tried to contact him constantly, as feel that he has enough to deal with, as he does suffer mood swings and so forth. Please would you advise me on this, as I really do love him, and do not know where to turn to.
Thank you very much for your time, warmest wishes, Roxanne.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Roxanne”,
Sadly he is battling so many things within and I fear that he doesn’t realize the prize that stands before him. It isn’t easy to deal with the issues of esteem or the feeling of pride as if he has to make the call because of fear that you would not be permanent. In that situation, one is always questioning those around them and wondering where people truly lie and there are issues of feeling like a burden to add to that. He probably doesn’t see the full extent of his injected distance and that this time in his life he has a woman who loves him for him. I don’t know what his yesterday was like to make him inject this distance but I can only imagine. I do know that studies support that men have a harder recovery time with rejection and maybe this is his way of protecting self from being rejected again in his life. I think at this point you are going to have to lay all the cards on the table and impose your will one time. Sit beside him and tell him point blank in a caring, honest manner what it is you want in this situation and how much his distance hurts. You can not fall into the game he is playing. These games are usually played because he hasn’t the control in other areas of life and this is where he feels he has. You have to counter that with love, show him that you are real and not some fly by night moment. I tip my hat tip you and honor you and I’m sure when you put it all on the line, so will he. Good luck and please keep me posted.



Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Do men still deliberately ignore women if he really likes her as a ploy to try and get her to notice him? Because I swear this guy is doing that at work. Thanks. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Playing hard to get is so high school or junior high school. However, from you taking notice, I see it still works. Maybe he really has no interest and you have misled yourself because of your desire for him to want you or your expectation of him to be attracted to you, nonetheless, it does still exists and although it does I do not ever believe in childish antics to express self but to always communicate like adults effectively.






TIPS: Men aren’t the only ones with pride. Thinking it as a gender and stereotypically placing labels on it is the same as men assuming you shouldn’t work and just cook & clean. That’s very prehistoric and idiotic. When your partner is proud about a plan or a past accomplishment, remember that it’s not your moment so don’t be all petty and try to shut them down. Instead, compliment and support that. And try to remember that sometimes pride is mistaken for good old honest confidence. Good luck all.

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EX's: THE GOOD, THE BAD &THE STALKERISH

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Why is life so difficult? Let me try to get this out. My ex and I were together for five years before we broke up. I cheated because I assumed he was cheating and I was wrong and I always regretted it. He was hurt and I was hurt when I thought he cheated so I guess I understand what he felt. I regret it and he was willing to be friends with me even though I broke his heart. I can’t say anything bad about him. He even used to leave me notes before work telling me he loved me and what I meant to him and I miss that. Two months after we broke up I got with my current boyfriend and we have been together two months but things are good, the problem is that my current boyfriend does not want me and my ex to be friends so I had to stop the friendship. I regret that too now and I wish I didn’t do that. Now my ex won’t talk to me as I am trying to be his friend on the low. Should I keep trying to be his friend? I can’t help but keep thinking about him and I miss him so much. Thanks from Isabelle.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Isabelle”,
So you are on a role with hurting this guy huh? Let me say that I wonder if you really take his feelings into account. He sounds like a nice guy and for some reason there is something about him you want around but I don’t think you deserve it. You ask if you should keep trying to be his friend. Heck No, you don’t deserve his friendship. It did not mean anything to you that you did not take a stand for it. Now to offer it in a secretive manner only re-enforces your sneaky cheating ways. Two things here you need to think about, the first is the relationship you are in is fairly young, and so if you start out with secrets and sneaking around, and it will only grow and breed more deception. The other thing to think about is how your ex must feel after five years for you to cheat on him. For him to accept your friendship only to have that trampled on with his heart again must not sit well and you have to think about that for once. Life isn’t that difficult, you have to be a better friend and very honest in your relationships. Good luck with everything. Keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My ex wants me back, I want him back but I can’t get over his cheating. How do I know if he changed? He says the right things and I want to believe him and every time I think I am ready, I can’t get over his constant cheating ways. Help!! Thank you. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
One thing about Ex’s that must be considered is why are they ex’s. That is something often forgotten when people start to feel lonely or feel as if that’s their only emotional connection or some other pathetic excuse to lead back to the ex. In this case you have to consider this; the only way one can forgive and forget is to conquer the situation within. He can NOT help you get over his cheating ways other than never cheating again. This comes from you. Can you accept that it has happened? Can you accept that you are gambling and no matter what he says, it is not in stone that he will never cheat again? What has he done to work on his cheating ways? We are creatures of habit. People that have sex with different people usually do not shut it off in a blink of an eye. Depending on his level of cheating, a cheater takes work to stop cheating. Can you happily and I mean HAPPILY invest into that? The only way to be happy moving forward is if you can accept what he has done and both work on moving forward slowly. Do not pick up from where you left off, because that didn’t end well. This is anew, express yourself clearly, communicate strongly and you need time to make sure you have healed. Good luck, please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have ex issues that just seem to come out every time I am about to date someone new. My ex girlfriend always finds a way to talk bad about me to the girl and then always end up saying “I know because I’m his ex” and it seems to work. It seems that I can’t move on because of her. What do I do? Thank you, Stuck In Time.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Stuck In Time”,
The unpopular case of the cursed Ex who can’t get over it. There always seems to be one out there that is more consumed with ruining you than enjoying them. This miserable, bitter creature is partially created by you but not your fault at all. Her entering your world unannounced and unwanted is NOT your fault and we need to start with that. You have to right to move on happily as she does. I can see why she is your ex. Nonetheless, there is things you can do, one you can forewarn others of her unannounced appearances, or you can try to keep you dates from within range from her until you and your date has established a more trusting ground and she learns you more for who you are by action than by your ex’s words. I’m not sure what state you are in but if this is considered stalking by law than you can consider legal action. I definitely would never stand for a miserable, bitter ex because I am more powerful in my world than that person ever could be. You need to see it that way and understand that your actions and your better preparation of this verbal assault can prevent this from occurring and if it does, you would have already established who you are and her corny, childish tactics would not be effective. She would hopefully fall back after failure and you can live your life worry free of the psycho ex. Good luck and keep me posted.


Well Mr. Lover Man,
Advise life is ruff, And nothing seems to get easier. What do you think if your ex wants you to help him and be in his life but there is no sexual relationship. There is bound but no commitment. He's older then I am has allot of responsibility and never has time to wine and dine me anymore.
Then you have a sexual relationship with someone for about a year and a half again no love no commitment and you wonder when and if you will get to that with this individual. My feeling grow strong his my age and has no kids the perfect candidate. But then Travels allot I know minimum about this individual but know that I have grown these feeling and try to keep then bottled up.
I meet people go out and nothing none of which I want. I feel that I am losing myself and will be alone and never feel warmth in my bed or have a man to hold. I know that there is no perfect man but where and how do I draw the line to move on and find my happiness. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Ok, there seems to be a lot going on that you are giving too much attention to. First thing, let’s look at the ex; I don’t see any reason for you both to even be in each others lives, especially if it hinders over helps. Why does he want you to help him and be in his life but doesn’t have time for you? I get the hint that either he cares just enough to tolerate you but benefits with your help or he doesn’t care enough to make time but knows you are easily swayed and will give in and help. Either way, this is NOT a good thing. Next let’s look at the sexual relationship you are having for about a year and a half and no commitment. You are investing feelings, whether expressed or not and you receive nothing you want other than a stiffing. Once again this is not a healthy situation. You can both put your cards on the table and communicate how you feel and what you want or you can understand you are being used as nothing more than a sex toy. There is no love for you there and nothing more than the one moment. You then mention meeting people and it appears to be some consolation prize for never winning what you want. The constant here is you, there has to be some inner digging to surface not just a more confident you but one which refuses to be used. The only way to draw the line is to understand the situation for what it is and not want it enough to take a stand against it. No one here seems to be going out their way to make you feel loved, NOT even you. Refuse to be used, take time to dissect you and understand what it is you truly want for you without users in your life. Good Luck, please keep me posted.

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WHERE DO I GO WRONG WITH MEN?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

What do men really Want? I am an educated woman. Even though I think I am just a regular girl, I get told that I am beautiful or sexy all the time. I like sports, football, boxing, etc. I was engaged to be married once, but have been single about 5 years now. I have tried dating. But with minimal success. I have a lot to offer, I am loving caring and dedicated.
I can be a real vixxxen in the bed room as well.
All that being said, men don't really want to take the time to get to know me to get all of the benefits. I mean I am not perfect and I don't make myself out to be. But if they tell me I am all that, why do they run before giving me a real shot? They ALL tell me, you are going to make some lucky guy REALLY happy one day. What the hell does that mean?!!
Signed, Baffled


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Baffled,
The million dollar question…. However, one will be surprised to know that men want a lot of the same things a woman wants. Men want attention, to be acknowledged, to be complimented, companionship, to experience love, great sex, an understanding partner and so on and so forth. In your case, I think this has to do with your choice of men and the stages in their lives. There has to be something you are letting off that these men leave before a real shot is in play and that must be analyzed. You possess great qualities but something you are giving off is giving these men the early escape and that is setting off heavy warning signs. When guys say “You are going to make some lucky guy really happy one day” its usually some pity line that makes them feel good about their exit. It really isn’t about you. This eases a cowards exit. Try to think about where your conversation usually lies when these men start running, think about something done that is consistent that may be giving signals that make these men exit at the same time. That just may be where your answer lies. These men may not be ready for anything near what your ready for. Their lost. Know you are a gift. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Why do men have to cheat so much? I feel like it is pointless to even date them anymore. The last four relationships the man cheated, I think that maybe because where I work (in a club) that maybe that’s why these guys cheat. Guys seem to be sincere in the beginning when they meet me at work. I hate being treated like a piece of sex object. I feel like I shouldn’t have to deal with this. I fall for these good looking guys but how do you know when they are really into you? Please help me because I should have better than this. Thank you. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous
Well, first thing is you are accepting men hitting on you in an environment where the goal is easy sex. Men aren’t looking to take you serious in a club and yet you subject yourself to this repeated action. You should know this well as you are in a pit of lions and if you put your shield down how do u expect to not get bit. You need to remain professional at work and build the reputation of not mixing work and pleasure. These men see an attractive woman in the club (which was the goal entering the club) and they hit on you an you accept. Mission complete. I have yet to meet a man looking for a wife in the club, I have yet to meet a man looking to settle down with the club girl other people are all hitting on. Look for good men in better places and please check this article out I wrote about that, "How To Find a Good Man" http://tumblr.com/xee73dh5h this will lead you to a better path with great men. Until then you need to find a higher level of self love and try to understand your worth. These men may be attractive but as you see, your eyes assist in their plight to conquer another attractive woman. These scumbags continue to hurt and manipulate and in this instance you have to nsee where you are assisting this pathetic act of theirs. Of course they meet you in a club they are going to be nice an run all these lines are you. Its basic lameness. So you ask, why do they cheat? Well because they do NOT respect you or themselves, because they are out for sex and are immature idiots. You cant change this mind frame, but you can set limits when learning these men, you can know your worth and not mislead yourself about these idiots. Be strong and don’t look for love until you obtain a higher sense of self love, this will allow you to love stronger and receive real love from a great man. NOT IN THE CLUB. Lol. Good luck, please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I know men want time with the friends. What I cant stand is his single friends, I feel like they are a bad influence for him. I know guys like that never want to see other guys happy and they probably in strip clubs and other mischief. Every time I mention this he defends his friends, he runs the whole “I grew up with them” thing but they seem to not have grown up. They have a guys night twice a month and I just feel like he needs to grow up and let these losers go. How can I show him the how important it is to me for him to see how his single friends can be a bad influence? Am I being irrational? My friends are not single. Thank you Sylvia


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Sylvia,
One thing that will hold a grudge in a relationship is one party trying to determine the friendship of the others. You are definitely entering a zone you do not want to. You have a very unreal perception of your position with your significant others friends. His happiness with them should mean something to you. Your insecurities about him cheating is unwarranted if he has never given you a reason other than he has single friends. You come across very irrational and need to commend him for not cheating instead of waiting for him to do so. You need to be happy that he is happy instead of plotting your anti-friend bitter attack. Whether your friends are single or not is really irrelevant and childish. I can see that you are mounting a childish attack by comparing your friends relationship status and in reality, that doesn’t mean anything. You need to reconsider this and come to terms with the fact that his childhood friends and their two nights a month is highly reasonable. Get over yourself and stop judging them so much. Good luck with everything.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m a single mother pushing 30 years old. I know I’m not old but I am at a stage where sometimes I want another child. The problem is finding a suitor. I seem to be attracted to younger men and they are not mature but they are so attractive. I need a male figure for my son and daughter but these young guys are not good for that but I think because of my past not many guys that know me take me serious. I have been rumored to have slept around but I dated a lot and didn’t sleep with all I dated but rumors unfold and whatever has been said has been said. These young guys try to move fast but I can control them, the older men that know me seem to want only sex and that bothers me, some are friends and I question their friendship. I am confused about a lot of the men in my life. I don’t know that I’m asking a question and maybe just letting this out, if you want to respond I would be happy. I dated a lot the last month or two, trying to get a feel for different men but it seems that every time I like them it backfires. No Name


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear No Name,
How important is finding a suitor? Your vent is concerning because I can understand you wanting a male figure but your choice of controlling young men may be linked to the psychological component of you wanting another child or in defiance of age (which you’re very young) or most concerning, the control of young men to compensate for the sense of loss of reputation with the rumors spilling through your world. These are all unhealthy reasons and should be re-evaluated by yourself. As for “friends” that want sex and that you have to question their friendship, well you need to do yourself a favor and remove the “friend” title and put them in a place they deserve to be in. You mention in your own words that those guys are not good male figures for your kids, so my question is, why punish yourself and deal with them. Learn to be more than the moment and try to date less and hug your soul. Try to assert yourself into what you really want from a man and although being flexible is reasonable, you need to stop bending so much and dealing with men you already know are no good. Going on a lot of dates will not be good for your reputation and I only mention that because you made it an issue, however, I never give a crap about bitter rumor spreaders. You have children and you need to live by example. You need to stop making childish, senseless decisions with men and then add to your confusion. Think about the man you wish to be around your children, you say you need a male figure for them, then consider how important it is that this figure is a wonderful figure. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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TROUBLE IN PARADISE

Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Have you addressed the cougar issue yet? (I'm 40 in. My boyfriend is 25, 26 in May) It was just a fling (booty call, whatever) from April 09 - Nov 09, then in December, things started to change....
I'm divorced. I tried to discourage this dude, (we broke it off several times in between) I didn't want a fling but he was irresistible and amazing in bed. I'm sooooo attracted to him, but I don't want to steal his youth. I don't want anymore kids (I have 3) I don't want to get married again, at least that's how I feel right now. But he kept coming back......
I'm so insecure about my body. I didn't snap back after the kids and gained weight. My belly is a monstrosity (I'm not exaggerating) He says I'm worrying about the wrong things...but he has the perfect body and youth on his side...
I'm trying to just relax, go with the flow and enjoy my life, with him. But I'm an Aquarian and I love hard. My feelings are INTENSE...
Btw, did I say that he's now living with me?
I don't really have a question, other than why a young guy would want to be with an older woman, body not so banging, 3 kids etc rather than be with a girl his own age, perfect body, etc.... (ok, so it was a question, lol)
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this...
Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous
I want to applaud your younger man for his words to you of encouragement and of empowerment. Now as for the “cougar” issue which I must say I do not consider you one but for arguments sake that’s what we will go with.
Sometimes there are different agendas for younger men with older women, on the men’s perspective there is this motherly sense that gives a loving warmth that women younger or of age do not actually give as often. it’s a psychological component that gives a different attraction. There are the men that look this as a sense of accomplishment and thrill, the older woman gives different conversation, often different sex (many view better) and different views of life. This can become magnetic but doesn’t always become the case. Then there are cases of individuality where the man actually acknowledges the woman’s great values, great sense of humor, compassionate and loving sides and sees her exactly for who she is and the age is not relevant because she is relevant and I have a good feeling that is where your young cub falls in. As for the mention of your not perfect body, well I see a lot less perfect than perfect (if that even exist) and so many men appreciate the “normal” woman more so than believed. Work on making yourself either come to terms with your natural beauty or you can join a gym or work from home. These boost morale and will add drive to your young pups already blossoming drive. Do not seek for the negative answer only because even if it doesn’t exist, you will find it. Situations don’t always go as planned, so your fling progressed against rule and often happens. Embrace his views, converse with him about his decisions and don’t question them often in doubt or negativity. Honor his words as he seems to honor you. I wish you both the best. Please keep me posted on this.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I'd love to know what you think about this:
I'm married. We've had our ups and downs in the past - it was always something I felt we'd overcome and that our love and respect of one another would win out in the end - I was always very confident in our relationship. Until we moved out of state - just to do something different. Once we got there, it was very difficult to find employment for me - he transferred his job - I started school instead and began to fit into our new life - he was working over night. We had a neighbor that I considered a friend after a while - she was a few years younger than we were, single mom who lived home with her mother and brother. We'd share clothes, she gave me a few items - even exchanged Christmas gifts and helped me out a lot with things in a new city - I helped her with school - she would even have dinner with us. Every now and then we'd giver her rides home from work, she didn't have a car - either I or my husband would take her/pick her up - when I noticed that he was giving her rides more and more often - Other times I would leave class early to come home and see him on her front stoop - looking stupid when I'd pull up... Long story short, he had an affair with her - not just sex, but a relationship behind my back. I confronted him when he thought I had concrete evidence, and he finally admitted it a year and a half later. Ripped my world apart. I wanted to die. I remember sobbing on the bathroom floor - curled up in a ball and my then 13 year old son comforting me and reassuring me that it was not my fault... I'm still hurt and this was in 2008! Shortly after that revelation, he fell asleep in bed with his cell phone - I was awakened by his phone vibrating - I picked it up and read a text from another female! He denied, then finally admitted they'd been 'talking' but nothing more developed - which may be true, but where would it have gone if I hadn't caught him? I kicked him out - He basically begged me back, I accepted him back - but then after a while he got this cocky type attitude and expected me to just get over it! During that rocky patch I began welcoming the attention from other men - never strayed, just flirted - enjoyed the attention - I mean, I felt fat and ugly before - was losing weight by then. Anyhow, I slowly began losing weight, and paying closer attention to my looks - his jealousy raged! He became smothering and anxious. I threatened to end things with him if he didn't lighten up - so he did - after a few days @ his mothers. So now, we are going pretty smooth - I'm working again but he isn't which leaves him with a LOT of free time and I notice he is always on the computer - clears his browsing history, has a large amount of local ladies as friends on Facebook, etc. I am very uncomfortable, I think he may be up to something... He has moments where he acts as if he is exasperated with me or something, then other times I'm the love of his life. He still snoops on me - reads emails, etc. I'm not doing anything, he can trust me, but seems to feel he can't he's always been that way. I guess my question is: Do you think (in your humble/professional opinion) that he is still straying? Am I a dummy for staying? For the record - I didn't leave then mainly because I wasn't employed (except for a few graphic design jobs) and we have 4 kids (5-16) -things have changed and I could pretty much do it on my own if need be. There are times I seriously consider walking away - but I have children to think about. Not quite sure what to do. I love him, but I'm not happy.
Any input would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks in advance
Truth {♥}

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Truth,
This saddens me because there is so much in play with your four children risking being exposed if they haven’t been already. They are brighter than we imagine and ever more observant. I hate to see a family dismantled and separated but there are instances where the inner health of the parents are most vital for the health of the children. How much unhappiness is flowing in the air at home and how does this affect the children?
There is always hope for change but I think the scars run so deep that it would take some therapy sessions to assist in healing. Even if the decision to separate is made, you should consider therapy for the trust issues that has become tangible due to his cheating ways. The victimizer always expects the victim to just get over it and that’s because they do not whatsoever understand the pain and hurt in lies, cheating and deceit. They often run and evade from embracing their hurtful positions and wish you get over it so they wont feel like the bad guy. It isn’t so much for you to move on but for them to erase the burden of guilt. Its very selfish for someone to expect you to get over it. You have your own individual time period for healing and need it. This situation without therapy will remain unhealthy and will ultimately affect the kids and that worries me a lot. He seems to have the “you’re my wife, you’re my property” attitude and that worries me as well. Therapy should be a major topic at this point if there is anything to save here and even if not, in order to co-exist as parents for the children without any rage, jealousy or immaturity. Sometimes walking away is hard but best, I don’t want to flat out make an opinionated statement based on what you told me, I just try to give you the best answer I would give myself and my closest loved one. I really think if therapy isn’t embraced as a family then you need to put the option of separating on the table. There is the family component and in order to work as a cohesive family, a loving and strong unit, there must be healing. I truly hope I helped. Please keep me posted.

Mr. Lover Man,
I am in a world of confusion. I think I know what I have to do but seem to find myself stuck in a situation I shouldn’t be in. I typed you this question a dozen times and deleted it because its deep and I questioned how anonymous this is but I see it is and I need your words.
I have been with this guy for two years. Every weekend my child’s father was taking my child and I would have this man over and we would have so much fun and great sex and just feel free and laugh all the time. The last few months my child’s father wasn’t taking our child on the weekends, he sort of disappeared and things with my man are going from great to weird to horrible. He makes me feel so worthless at times and he says my child isn’t his responsibility when I ask him to do things with us. Oh yeah, he lives with me and my child. My child is four and I really thought this guy was someone I can spend my life with and he moved in with me and everything. He doesn’t show interest in my child. He has cheated on me recently and says its because I’m so busy with my child that I don’t have time for him. He makes me feel like he has done this before and I wish he could just accept my child too. My child needs me and I cant just give my child’s attention away to him. How can I do both? How can I make him stop cheating? I really hate how he makes me feel. He blames me for my child’s fathers disappearance by saying I had to have done or said something because the guy wouldn’t just disappear. We start arguing but his words are a lot harsher and I just shut up because I don’t have the strength to argue sometimes. What should I do?
Thank you, I read your blog and I don’t want to go to my friends, they don’t know and I don’t want them to. Sincerely, Lost

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Lost,
I never allow these questions to get me riled up because I am someone that has spent considerable time in my life assisting when I can and giving advice. I have worked in some of the most strenuous fields of work and when riled up, step away for a moment of clarity and return with the best of me surfaced. Your email made me take a moment.
First thing I want to say is your boyfriend is a scumbag. Yes I said it. He is a piece of trash, yet I will explain his position so you can have a better understanding why he does what he does. You were the weekend ass to him. Every weekend he was able to have uninterrupted sex, all weekend and a place to stay worry free from whatever he had in his world. He looks at your child as a disruption of this and isn’t mature enough to let go and embrace your child and after this length of time he wont. He doesn’t view you as wife material, he sees you as convenience sex and comfort. You provide shelter and sex and probably dinner. Your child to him is imposing on his perfect little world and he refuses to give in. That is disgusting and selfish and you as a parent disappoint me tremendously. How this idiot remains in your home is something you need to ask yourself. There isn’t a balancing act between your child and that guy if he doesn’t respect you, your child and your position. There is no way to make him happy because he will resent your child for taking away his little selfish world and I fear his ability to harm your child out of jealousy. My best advice is to detach and eliminate, you must realize what’s healthiest for your child and remove this idiot from your home. This is one situation that is unhealthy and rarely if ever gets better. You should also consider counseling because I feel there is more to not only this story but your story in general. I want best for you and your child. Please consider outside help. The best solution with that jerk is to let it go. You may think it will bring pain to your heart but I guarantee after the very temporary pain subsides, joy will surface ten fold. This I promise. Please keep me posted.

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CHEATING AND DECISIONS

To Mr. Lover Man

Hey mr lover lover… I need help here, is it really true that once a cheater always a cheater? My boyfriend cheated on me and he reminded me of when I cheated on him last year but I have not had the temptation to do it again but I think with men it is different, so is it true that once a cheater always a cheater. Thank you, truly, innocent but not so innocent

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Innocent but not so innocent,
People tend to always blame men for being the constant cheater like there is a genetic component that forces men to cheat and it’s out of their control. This is such idiocy. For the record, statistically women cheat more than men and anyone who takes pride in that is an idiot. Cheating is a conscious decision no matter what (unless drugged but that’s another topic) and is one made individually. Can someone change, of course they can. Can someone stop cheating? Of course they can, stop listening to one liners by bitter miserable idiots who are afraid to take chances or who only attract losers. You have cheated and you stated that you have not had the temptation but that didn’t sound like you were in the clear yourself. So should he trust you? I think that counseling or some form of professional help would be suffice here and definitely would pit you in a better position amongst one another. I do wish the best for you, please keep me posted and remember that people are individuals.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Why do people who cheat tend to say that the cheating had absolutely nothing to do with their partner? Say that it wasn't that the other person was better in bed; better looking, etc. yet risk destroying their relationship? How can a person come back with it was just something that happened/something that they felt like doing for that moment and/or amount of time yet still claim to love and want to be with their partner? That just strikes me as immature, greedy and ignorant. I'd really appreciate your view on this. Thank you, Simply Me

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Simply Me
Well in my opinion the fact that one cheats is enough to ask oneself “does the costs of this relationship outweigh the rewards?” and if so, it’s time to let it go. There is no reason for cheating, EVER. The lame excuses people use are to cover their malicious, selfish, inconsiderate selves. These are ways to make them become the victim when they are actually cruel, greedy, horrible people at this time. In your question you want to know why certain things are said. In my opinion these are said to place a pillow under the fact that this person was horrible in their actions and they wish to soften it and make them look less selfish. Anyone who cheats has not taken the loss of the relationship in full account and if they did then they either felt it wasn’t worth much or they had a cemented position. If one results to cheating, they did NOT respect the other party whatsoever. As for the person saying the love the partner and wanting to be with them, well why not? At the moment of not being physically tangled with the side piece, of course they are feeling what they think is love again, of course they want their cake and eat it too. Greedy people are like that. You have to remember that they cheated, so how can you trust their words right after they cheated? Situations like this either need professional intervention or detaching in order for there to be healthy solutions. Good luck with everything.

Dear Mr. Lover Man
I have been talking to this guy for seven months now. Meet him on twitter; we started bbm each then moved to talking on the phone almost every day for several months. We started making plans to see each other. I was excited about it until I went home on a visit and the males in my family started putting doubts in my head. My sister said she would go with me but they said two women shouldn't be going either. But we were staying at a hotel n he was going to meet me there. Well while I was there visiting family. I must have changed because he said I act like I didn't want to talk to him. Well, I stopped calling him for a few months but still talked to him a bbm. I never told him why I pulled back until a few months ago. He was not happy, he said I should have talked to him about it. He has a temper, this I know from the way he writes not from talking with him. And he admits it. But back to the subject. I bbm him all the time but he don't bbm me. We talking about seeing each other again, but to me something is not right. I ask him to call me, he say he will but never do. Now he getting a iphone n he said that I still have his number we can text. He always says that it's me that don't like to talk on the phone. Should I call him? He said he’s not seeing anyone, and that he would like to see what happens with us before he does. I want t believe him but, something is not right to me, and I ask him all the time is he sure bout meeting me. He says yes. But why doesn't he call when he says he is. Or bbm me? What do u think?
Sincerely What should I do?

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear What should I do,
One thing I have always been against is the consistent intervention of family and friends when it isn’t fully warranted. I understand the concern of your siblings but they made a bias and unfair assessment thinking they had your best interest ion heart and I’m sure they did but that doesn’t make it the best choice. Ultimately you have to be content with the choices you make and no one else will ever feel what you feel when you lay your head on that pillow at night alone. Now the troubling thing is that it clearly appears to me that the intervention caused you to act different and keeping this distance for months after things seemed to progress cause this gentleman to retract his stance. He was also emotionally invested and your unexplainable changes for months before the confession can feel deceitful and unfair to the other person. It now has caused him to do the same thing it appears and there doesn’t seem to be substantial growth. As for his anger issues, this is something that should be addressed and there is definitely anger management classes that are affordable all over. I highly recommend it. Now to these unmade phone calls, this is something I call high school. I don’t believe in waiting for a call, giving cold shoulders, waiting to see who calls first, blah blah blah… These are childish and never accomplish anything. These are young minded, bitter games to give a false sense of control in a relationship instead of looking for partnership. You want to talk to him and hear his voice, then call him. He is acting a way in defense to what you have unfolded upon him and although that doesn’t make it right, it’s what’s happening. You need to step up with the same effort as you easily stepped back and make your position known. If this is what you want then go for it, do not wait and allow him to think you are playing the “fall back” game again. I don’t know if it is that he is dating and I don’t know that maybe he is protecting his heart from outside intervention that may persuade you to pull back again but unless you step up you will never know. I wish you the best of luck, please let me know how it turns out.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I need advice ... I’m IN LOVE WITH 3 MEN. And I can’t seem to choose which one that I really want to be with. One makes me happy as a best friend and more but I find that I am not as physically attractive to him, the other is EVERYTHING that I could ask for and more, he is perfect and yet I’m just waiting for something to go wrong, and the other is just everything that I want but don't need because all we do is argue and fight…. help.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: The bad thing about being in love with more than one person is the misinterpreted positions they think they play. In your situation there are 3 men who probably have feelings for you being that you profess your love for them. You stating you do not know which one to choose tells me that in some degree they are not all aware that you are stuck in limbo trying to make a choice. This alone is a selfish act and before you can come to terms with making a choice, take some time to tell these men truthfully how you feel and that you are stuck between a choice of 3 and watch the choice become easier as someone will not wait around to be some contestant in your reality show. However, in searching for the “one” of three, one must ask self what is it that “I” want? What is it that makes me happy and as a unit what can we achieve. Making the best choice is not a guarantee; you have one that doesn’t catch your physical lustful eye and that kind of narrows sexual attraction unless love is so overwhelming which I’m not sure it is because of your physical confession. Then the one that is everything you want but waiting for his errors and flaws to show, in my opinion if you look for something hard enough, you will find it. Even if it is NOT there. What’s wrong with just enjoying what is happening now? Nothing at all. Stop looking for negativity and appreciate what you have. It’s ok to prepare for the worst but stop searching for it; you will ultimately sabotage that relationship. As for the one you are always arguing and fighting with, well that appears to be very unhealthy and not the one I would consider on face value. With the information given, it appears to be the least healthy of the bunch. I think you need to dig deep within yourself and take a moment away from all three in order to better assess the situation, and don’t add any more because soon you will be a VH1 special. LOL. Good luck with everything. Keep me posted.

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Questions that need answering

Mr. Lover Man,


I know you and you me, I follow u on Twitter. My question is can a man and woman really be just friends without sex. I have a male friend who I really like and we talk and have fun together. Laugh and joke, and I feel very comfortable with him. No sex, I'm married with children, he's not, but has "fuck buddies". I like him and enjoy our time together. Do u think we can just be friends and continue to enjoy our friendship? I hope so. Take care.



MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous

The question is ever ongoing and it is a definite YES. However, that doesn’t mean that this friend will not cross lines or you will. I wonder with this question posed with this individual in mind, do you have intentions to cross lines. If so, you need to weigh out your marriage and family life and realize the hurt this will cause. It is possible to be friends with him and no one can cross lines. I know this well, ironically most of my friends are females with lines uncrossed because friendship has value and because other avenues of life have value. Never lose the value and you both have potential to be great friends always. Best of luck. Let me know how it turns out in time.


Mr. Lover Man,
I am wondering two questions, one) how can I improve my orgasm and two) How do I know if I am good enough for my man in oral sex? From:Curious

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Curious,
To the first question, you should know that one in four women have difficulties achieving orgasms. Foreplay is known as the greatest weapon in successful improvement in orgasms, also it is a great idea to find and experiment with sexual positions that stimulate g-spot and clitoris. Learn to tighten and strengthen your pelvic muscles, sort of like if you are stopping yourself from urinating, in sessions of 12. Repeat this practice 8-10 times a day to yourself and you will see an incredible improvement. Second question, when you invite yourself down to service your partner orally, use verbal stimulation, remind him how much it pleases you to do this, tell him how badly you want his hardness in your mouth, that already gives you a mental edge. Use confidence, grip his manhood with your hands and mouth as if letting him know unspoken that he is in for the oral treatment of his life. You should moan in pleasure as well while taking him in your mouth, slide your hands up and down his rod while you engulf him orally, and give him eye contact. Don’t wink, that’s corny and cheesy LOL. Use one of your hands to fondle and caress his testicles, giving it almost equal attention, shift your body and work your mouth in different angles. Switch up sucking, licking, stroking, mix orders, throw him off course and you will give him an eye rolling sucking for the ages. Good luck and enjoy this act.


Mr. Lover Man,
I’m wondering, when men go down on me and give me oral sex, how do I even know if I taste good to them or if I smell good? Thank you. Natalie

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Natalie,
You should know that men LOVE and I mean absolutely LOVE the smell and taste of a freshly washed vagina. Are you aware that men are turned on y natural aromas of partners more than sprays and things? It is true, studies support this. The best way to ensure that there isn’t any unnecessary sweat or smells is to shower with soap and water before hand. Make showering together a part of foreplay and then take it to the bed, the floor, the kitchen or wherever and this will give you the freshness that will keep him feasting longterm. Good luck.

Mr. Lover Man,
7 years ago I dated this man for 2 years that I thought was 'the one' then we started to drift apart and things just kind of slowly faded away. I always thought about him over the years and never really got over him (probably because we never had closure). I would wonder if there was something I could've should've done, he told me back then that I 'let him get away with too much' and I've learned over the years that sometimes I can be too independent and don't always let a man be a man. I also remember him telling me that he had never been in a monogamous relationship, he's always cheated! We reconnected earlier this year and I found out that he got married 4 months after we stopped seeing each other (he's since told me he was dating the both of us plus a few others at the same time). He has apologized for the way things ended and that I had to find out from a mutual friend that he's married & has 2 little ones. He says he walked away because he couldn't deal with some of the financial things that I was going through and things with my sons father (which I don't get because I never asked him for a dime and never brought him anything i was going through to try and be my problem solver, and he was going through more drama then me with his daughters mother). I'm a couple years older then him and I think he felt that I should've been more financially & materially accomplished at my age then I was at the time (especially since he was). The woman he ended up marrying is his age, had no kids at the time, and was making decent money like him. She is also not someone I would've ever pictured him marrying, he says he gets that a lot from family & friends. He is all into his appearance & she's very plain jane and not too attractive. Now here we are in our mid and late 30's and we've been in constant communication for almost the past year, no physical contact but admittedly there's feelings still here on both parts but I definitely don't want to be a part helping to destroy a marriage nor am I going to play 2nds to anybody and I've told him all of this. He tells me he hasn't cheated on his wife; our mutual friend implies something different. Things he says leads me to believe he has cheated, like he has talked about how his wife will accuse him of sleeping with women he says are his friends, he complains that she doesn't have enough sex with him, she told him if it wasn't for their kids she would've divorced him by now, yet he says he doesn't want to get a divorce because he wants his kids to grow up in this ideal family and he wants to come home to them and see them grow up everyday etc etc. Then I can't contact him by phone, I lost his number years ago & he won't give it to me again because he says he doesn't want me 'caught up in his web' - when i questioned that he said because his wife will think he's sleeping with me cause she thinks that about most of his female friends. I haven't really had a relationship since him, dates here and there but no one important enough that I’ve introduced my son to or anything. Luckily my son was pretty small when me & this man ended so he doesn't remember him. It's been about a year since we've been back in touch and I've seen him maybe 3 or 4 times, he's never tried anything but he's always bringing up what we used to do, places we used to go, fun we used to have, he tells me he loves me, and really cares about me. He was contacting me just about every day, a few months ago i couldn't take it anymore and was feeling bad about this emotional bond we're starting to have again, I told him we needed to end all communication & he needed to focus on his marriage and stop talking to me about his problems since he doesn't want a divorce, it's hard enough for us as black women to get married and I don't want to hurt her...or be hurt myself! I told him to get back in touch with me if he ever ended up divorced. He said he understood & would respect my decision and that lasted about a month! He called me a month later with some bs excuse and we've been in communication again, not daily this time but still! I'm more mentally, spiritually, emotionally mature now then I was 7 years ago, make more than 3 times what I was making then and I wonder if all of this is making him think he should've hung in there, or if he's just looking for some excitement again since kids can really change a relationship. Their kids are only 2 and 3.
I don't know how to handle my feelings and it hurts to see someone you love love someone else & have a family with them (I've told him all this)...a part of me is jealous that this woman has the life I wanted with this man - the marriage, kids, house, cars, vacations, family life, the day-to-day bustle etc, then I wonder if it's just that I'm lonely because I haven't found anyone that I'm that compatible with again, it's probably a combination of all of this and I don't know how to deal with these feelings. Some days I'm fine and loving life but then some days it just hits that I want this life with this man, I'm getting older with no prospects of a husband in sight & I'm constantly getting the 'why are you still single? I can't believe you're still single!!' from him and everyone else. Will no good come out of just remaining friends with him? Once a cheater always a cheater? Does he really love me & care like he claims?? Do I need to end all contact with him and if so, how do I finally get him out of my heart if feelings have still lingered after all these years and I truly care about him as a person?? :(
Signed,
Confused

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Confused,
It is safest to detach from this individual. The idea of anything ever happening between you two are u healthy and put so many others hearts at risk. It doesn’t seem like his heart has as much room for you as yours does for him. It seems like he wants to get as much of the old “moments” as he can. If he makes attempts of contact against your wishes and even though married, it shows the level of honor and respect this man has and this is a guaranteed recipe for disaster. The mutual friend is another component that doesn’t sit well with me, this friend is reporting different news than this person and I really think you should not be concerned with who he has in his life because you are going to ruin many hearts. I do not think he loves you as he says because actions have always been the best spokesperson for love. People are able to change, that’s a fact, however, he doesn’t seem to have reached that point and you cannot bring him there. He must want it and he doesn’t right now.
As far as you being single, that is something that can be changed, are you looking for another of “him”? That is failure waiting to happen. Maybe you should speak to a professional, if not you should search within and take time to find what you want and need from your inner soul. You being jealous lingers within and can corrode the soul. Be strong and take time to find happiness inside and this will attract better men and people around you. I wish you the best. Please let me know how this plays out.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
So I have been trying to stay away from sex. I have found that it was my escape to everything in my life. I am not a slut and my numbers are not up there, but I am soooo damn frustrated that I do not know what to do. I am not trying to repeat the same mistakes as my past and have sex for the sake of having sex. What should I do? No name.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear No Name,
Using sex as an escape does not get rid of problems; it gives a moment of a better activity but not a solution. When engaging, one should know why this activity takes place and one should have a connection that isn’t an escape alone. When sex becomes an escape, it robs you of the emotional value of doing the most remarkable physical acts with the one you love and takes from the beauty of the entire act. Of course a good pounding is great for you but can pale in comparison to a good pounding from someone who wants to please you for you and not being used as an escape from everything in your life. I hope the best for you, consider seeing a professional, it will help for sure. Keep me posted.

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