WHEN SEX ISNT SEXY

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I always read your postings and I feel like you are the only one that can help me with this. Here it is, my girlfriend was nagging me that she wanted a threesome with me her and another guy. After months, I gave in and decided that I loved her enough to make her happy and give her that fantasy of hers. The problem is that now I feel slightly disgusted with her. I see this over and over how easily she was sexing this guy and how she did everything we do and how she just submitted to him. I don’t feel sexually attracted the same and I do love her but I’m not sexually attracted anymore. What should I do? Thanks ahead of time “Love with no loving”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Love with no loving”,
I wonder if you thought this out clearly before you engaged in this threesome. If this was her sexual fantasy, did you think she wasn’t going to be sexual? I’m sorry to hear that you feel the way you do but many times we don’t think clearly about the things we agree to. You did your girlfriend a gift in making this threesome possible, there is something good in knowing you did that but the concern is the direction of the relationship. With your lack of sexual participation or attraction, this relationship will slowly decline. Does she know how you feel? You must address this issue. You have to be clear and not demeaning. Remember that you also engaged in this act. After expression, I think you should consider professional relationship counseling because sometimes just expressing yourself won’t be so “healing” immediately. You do love her and don’t lose focus on that, do not allow one act to mask the love. Express that this could not happen again because of how you feel, also inject your fantasy. Make this about you both. Do not abandon love for jealousy or uncomfort. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My relationship has gone from juicy wet to desert dry. I’m not a nag because I know we both work different hours. But we have sex maybe once every week and it’s so quick and not passionate at all. I’m feeling like a quickie and I need more. What can I do about this? We both sleep at different times and when he is off, I’m working and vice versa. We need the money but I need the honey. Talk to me Mr. Lover Man. Thank you “Honey Needed”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Honey Needed”,
Time management is key in this situation. You guys are going to have to sacrifice long sleeps for shorter naps one day a week and in-between that time you can truly tire each other out. There is always time for each other; you just have to alter the comfort schedule. The football games, the night shows, whatever it is that you do in free time has to be sacrificed in order for you both to feel the passion resurfaced. Grab him as he walks in from work. You know what time he gets in, make sure you are up and ready, pin him to the wall and service his body. Kiss him over, touch him how he once loved it. Bring him to life and resurface that passion and make that desert a lake. During intercourse express your approval, tell him how much you miss and need this. Express how much you love to please him, take over and then submit, rock his world and then give him the energy to rock yours. Slowly but surely this will come back if you truly want it. You guys sacrifice for money, now sacrifice for that honey. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
This took me about two weeks to send you this. I am embarrassed about this but I need to get your advice. I have been having problems maintaining an erection. I don’t know what it is. My mind wants sex but my penis isn’t responding. I’m about to get some Viagra off the market, what do you think about that? I have a very understanding wife and she really tries to do anything to help. I please her other ways but I’m not ignorant, we discuss what’s missing. How can I get it back or should I get Viagra? Thank you from “Once Upon A Time”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Once Upon A Time”,
I do want to commend your wife for her loving patience and you must honor her always. However, I don’t doubt your devotion to her. In this society it does take a lot to converse about this let alone admit this is a problem. I’m glad that you did come forward and mention it. It’s the first step to fixing this problem. You should know that one in ten men have erectile dysfunction. 30 million men right now have that issue. You are not alone. Often men camouflage it or refuse to discuss it and kind of just hope it goes away. This adds stress and depression which is reported to be some causes of it initially. There are ways to try and fix this naturally without Viagra. Discuss this plan with your wife; give yourself about 3 weeks of a new diet and exercise. You must maintain a healthy weight. Being overweight, not even being obese, but being overweight can cause it. Neurological damages, arterial damages, and other medical issues can lead to it. Cut out fried foods, inject more fruits and vegetables. A Mediterranean diet is scientifically linked to lessen erectile dysfunction. If you are a smoker, quit today. Yes QUIT! Smokers have a higher chance of erectile dysfunction. Drinking alcohol can add to it. Either drink in slight moderation or cancel it in total. This is your investment for a greater sex life. Not to mention the mental boost you need to tackle your sex life. Follow a healthy diet and join a gym, make it your business to understand that better living health wise will give you the sex drive you either once had or something out of this world that you never had. Remain focused on the goal. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have this concern and I don’t know if I’m over reacting but my boyfriend spends too much time online on porn sites or phone sex texting. I always try to tell him how uncomfortable this makes me feel, is this cheating? He says it isn’t but I don’t get why he has to turn to those things. He says it keeps him creative and gives him ideas for us but I don’t feel like any thing has changed. I’m not getting any benefits. Can you tell me if this is healthy that he does this? And can you say if it is cheating. Thank you.. Not Sure


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Not Sure”,
There are two things going on here, the watching porn can be an issue. However, here are some things to consider, studies show that roughly 15% of about 60 million Americans who log on every day enter a porn site. In psychological studies the problem seems to arise when the individual spends at least 11 hours a week. There becomes a need for this cyber sex or porn sites to inject arousal in ones relationship and that’s not good. Porn can be used to assist or have fun with but when it becomes an addiction, distress follows. The need grows and it can take from his desire of you. This should be addressed in a concerned manner. Express how this makes you feel. Do not approach it in an accusatory manner but in concern. As for whether or not phone text sex and cyber sex is cheating, that’s up to you guys. Some relationships agree to not allow it. I know some that has and they have not issues with it. I think there is something wrong with it and it would be good if he was sex texting you but another person? That concerns me. In your case you are expressing to me a clear case of concern and this is what should be addressed. Do not accept it if you do not like it. One must consider both feelings and you need to feel comfortable in yours and your partner’s sexual world. Right now this isn’t happening and unless addressed accordingly, problems will continue to grow. Take time to relearn each others sexual desires. Take time to dig deep and try to learn something new about self and your partner. Overall you must put your foot down, if you can come to a common ground that’s healthy then that’s ok. If you can’t, then you must make serious decisions. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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WHEN ITS OVER, ITS OVER..

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I always wondered if you break up with someone, should you still try to be their friend? My ex girlfriend wants to be friends but then she is always brings up her broken heart or tries to use sex as a tool to resurface what is dead to me. Maybe I shouldn’t be having the sex with her but she gives it up easily so I just do it. I see this “friends” idea she has is a bad one. Should I keep trying to be her friend? Thanks “Friends”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Friends”
You really are a piece of work; often men like you never cease to amaze me with your rationale with sex. So basic and immature to have sex with her knowing she is emotionally involved, only to immediately cut her off. Your ex girlfriend is having a hard time detaching and shouldn’t be using sex as a tool to keep you guys together because that is just plain stupid. What’s equally stupid is the notion that it is ok to engage in this activity knowing she is hurt and acting desperate. Why don’t you honestly tell her what you feel? Tell her you guys shouldn’t be partaking in any sexual activities and that friendship this soon would not be best until there is a mutual detachment that would make a healthy friendship possible. Many couples try friendships because one party usually can’t detach and desperately needs some form of contact and the other feels sorry and goes along with it. This is not a friendship, it is a pity case. You need to finally step your maturity up and do the right thing by nipping this pity cry in the butt and give her time to heal. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
So I have been dating this guy for a few months and things between us were great. Great conversations, great sex life and we have tons of fun together. He asked me to be exclusive with him which I agreed to be and I couldn't have been happier.
A week after asking me to be exclusive things changed, he doesn't call anymore, I haven't seen him in a month and he keeps making excuses every time I try to visit him. I have texted and emailed him trying to find out what's going on but no straight answers. He keeps saying he is super busy and just don't have the time. He doesn't initiate any communication with me and of course I feel like a fool calling him and texting him to find out what's going on. Why do guys pull this disappearing act? And why can't they be up front with you so you know what's going on and if you should move on.
Should I just assume that it's over between us? What the he'll happened? Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The disappearing act is always one of the most confusing. It leaves one with questions unanswered and we always want answers, often answers we wish to hear. Some men (people in general) avoid because they aren’t mature enough to be honest. They feel they do not want to bear the responsibility of hurting the person or they just don’t care enough to give the respect warranted. Either way, you have to put yourself first in this situation and detach instead of waiting or trying to force answers by communication. He isn’t making you a priority, and then you need to make him obsolete. You are worth more and deserve better. You did your part and when you thought things were great he disappeared. Two things come to my mind and of course it could be many things but maybe he didn’t see it as good as you and maybe he was just going along with it until he found a way out by avoiding you. The second is maybe he got serious elsewhere and you were a pastime. No one ever wants to hear that but usually a man’s sudden departure and disappearing act is because of those two reasons. Whatever his reason does not matter as much as the fact that you need to put you first and you need to make it better for you. Eliminate contact in full, He doesn’t initiate contact anyway. That’s a clear message that he doesn’t wish to be bothered by you. Don’t focus on why he isn’t upfront. Take his message as a clear one. You deserve more. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it possible for someone to not be able to get over their ex after 5 years? My boyfriend had told me he wasn’t over her and was trying to get over her when we first met. We have been together now 5 months and it seems like he still is onto her. Lately he has been texting her, I haven’t stumbled across any warning signs that I know of but I have been feeling second lately. Would you date a person like that? Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Attention… Attention!!! You said you have not stumbled across any warning signs? HELLO!!! He having contact with her as of late and still not being over her is a clear warning sign in itself. You guys have 5 months together and his primary goal seems to be reconciling something with her. This appears to be a clear case of having someone around because he doesn’t want to be alone and you are fitting the bill. You entering this situation was a risk you took, an unhealthy gamble that I would never recommend that. You have invested emotion in a situation where you appear to be the major investor while he is still occupied elsewhere. Once you feel second in your relationship, there is trouble in paradise and you need to communicate these feelings effectively. You have the right to convey this message and let him know what you find unacceptable and in doing so, allow him a moment to express his feelings too. You never know what you may find. Be firm in you stance but do not be too firm as to make this an argument and not conversation. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How do I heal from a broken relationship when he has someone else and he also lives directly across the street? How can I get over the pain of being cheated on and dumped, but then I see him so happy with her and its not like I deserved it. I thought things were good. I see him all the time. It seems like he isn’t bothered by this at all. He is already with someone else. How do you throw away 3 years? I was just dropped out of nowhere and he is not even taking anything to heart about what we shared together like nothing happened between us at all. I just don't understand how someone can do that, he seems so cold and heartless. Thank you from “Can’t Let Go”.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Can’t Let Go”,
You will never get over the pain because you are fixated on things that do not concern you. So what he got over you quick, so what he moved on. Boo-Hoo. Now are you going to just keep worrying about how he feels or focus on getting over it? It doesn’t feel fair when someone just dumps you but at this point he does not want to be with you and that is a clear message. It is always best to end something that doesn’t work instead of dragging it on. He may or may not be right but he made a choice he felt was best for him and it’s about time you do the same for you. You claim you want to get over it but you’re fixated on him; you need to be fixated on you. You need to realize your worth and you need to surface that. Take time to do things you weren’t able to do with him, find the things you love and engage in them. Stay busy and when thinking of that situation, remind yourself that his selfish inconsiderate self was not worth you time. This is not easy and often we make it harder on self than we should. What makes this particularly complex is the fact that he lives across the street. One thing you are not going to do is move. You are going to live forward and live knowing his decision was the best decision you never had to make. Now you need to make the decision of being better without him because I promise you, you are much better without him. There is no overnight solution here but staying busy and slowly detaching will assist efficiently. He is living his life, not living yours only hurts you. Good luck, please keep me posted.

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TAKING A STAND

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I need intervention. My husband of 12 years is always talking down to me and now I see that my 10 year old son is emulating his father and isn’t respecting me and I am so tired of it all. I try to put my son in his place but his father doesn’t help and I don’t know what to do. I just wish his father would say something. I feel alone. Help me. Thank you. “Mom with no place”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mom with no place”,
First thing, your name is a falsehood as you have an integral place in your home and in society. You are the backbone of this country and you need to feel that. There are insensitivities that many people impress upon us and it exists because we have allowed this for too long. I am very sure that this isn’t something that just happened and you have allowed this to fester and grow into what it is today. Can this change? Of course. How will it change? You will take a stand. You will sit your husband down and finally express the truths that your soul hides, you will demand his support, you will inject you authority and you will let him know how much his support means. Express to him how tired you are and that you can not stand for it any longer, even if it means you can’t be in this neglectful relationship. Express your hurt and your expectations. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. After you address your husband, then sit your son down and give him the new rules. You do not allow this behavior again. You impose reactions to his negative actions. You must express your love and how much hurt this is causing. You need to be honest and allow love in communication to save your family. You need to heal from within or you can’t be the backbone that this world needs. I wish the very best for you, please keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I wasn’t gonna even send this but with all this in the media about gay bashing I felt I should anonymously express my situation. I am a closet gay male and where I’m from this is not the most popular thing to be. I tend to pretend I’m not gay because people are not accepting of this lifestyle. I even pick on the gay kids with other bullies so that way they never pick on me. I’m tired and I want to come clean. The truth is I’m scared. I like to read your blog and I see that you are tough. Maybe that’s what I need so I am here. I wish I could just come out and the world was more accepting. I know my mama isn’t gonna be mad because her brother (my uncle) is gay and we love him. My mama is good and I am comfortable telling her but the only reason I haven’t is because it will spread. My mama is the project gossip lady but everyone loves her though. So what should I do? This is my last year in high school, do you think I should just wait and leave high school first? That’s my thought. Thanks for your opinion. Sincerely, “Trapped In The Closet”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Trapped In The Closet”,
I am aware of the horrific events that flood the media. I am glad you allowed that to push you to reach out. We live in a world where there will always be someone who is less than accepting of something we do or who we are at all times. That should never hold us back from being who we are or accomplishing goals of high magnitudes. You are in a situation that either way can be complex for a period of time. One, you can come truthful, release you soul, freely allow the world to know who you are truly and detach from those that are not willing to accept who you are because they are not good people. Not good enough to embrace people for whom they are and you do NOT need people like that in you life. You can opt for number two and that is to keep this a secret and live a lie, be a fraud, live in fear, walk on eggshells, help pick on people who need you, hang out with lame ass idiots who aren’t good friends and keep you soul imprisoned. You need to want to live free. People have died so you can make this a way of life. You have the right to exist freely. You need to see a school guidance counselor and dean before coming out, express your concerns and inform them of the activities going on. You can use this moment as a ground breaking moment. Be the change you want your school and world to have. You want to live free then step forward. You want to feel safe, then keep yourself circled with true people that are not ignorant and accept you as who you are. You want to counter the negativity you have spilled while cowardly hiding in your own prison, then make a pact and apologize. This must come from you. You have the power to be better and in doing so, empowering others to be better. Please live free. Good luck and please keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I don’t know what it is about me but I am always the overlooked one of all my friends. I feel inferior and inadequate when we go out like if no one will pay me any attention and that usually ends up being the case. What can I do to shake this feeling? Thanks ahead of time “Invisible Man”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Invisible Man”,
The biggest reason is you. There comes a time when you have to lean who you are and that means the best you. The best you can stand in a crown with the best them. Anytime and always, but I do not know the best you because you effuse to let it surface. If you feel inferior then you will be inferior, if you feel inadequate then that is who you will be. How you feel seeps out your pores and is felt by others and if you don’t value yourself no one else will. You need to lean you, there is something great within and only you can let that free. You will be stuck and paralyzed to this feeling because you give it power. What are you going to do? What do you really want? Do you want to cry and wine and hope attention just falls in your lap or are you going to take control of the situation by taking control of your life? Those individuals are not better than you, the only thing is they know that no one is better than them so thy show it. No get up and show it. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a verbally abusive relationship. I know I deserve more (I read your blogs all the time) but the thing is my family loves my man. My friends think he is wonderful and I feel like he won over my entire circle. I want to go to someone but I feel like all my friends are now his friends and my family would take his side. Who do I run to? I can’t take it anymore. Help “Who Do I Trust”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Who Do I Trust”,
This is not a situation that is comforting, yet, neither is being the recipient of verbal abuse. You are not with this guy to please your family and friends, if they want him so much let them date him. You need to come forward because verbal abuse often leads to physical abuse and honestly, even if it doesn’t, it is still unhealthy, demeaning and unwarranted to receive this treatment. You need to start with your family. You will be surprised at how at times something like this can bring the bond back. You can’t battle this alone. Come forward and after going to family, you need to detach and depart from your abuser. Staying there gives him the power to keep you an emotional captive and forces you to be his verbal punching bag. Only you can make this change. Your friends are the least of the three concerns you express but ultimately express to them who this actor is, who this man is in front of them isn’t who he is when doors are closed. Your true friends will stand by your side, the frauds wont and you can charge eliminating the frauds to this experience. Communicate effectively to your family, friends and your abuser. Take a stand; let him know how this made you felt and why you won’t stand for it anymore. Do so with your family present, show your abuser force. Show him you are not alone and deny him any rationale for his actions. Nothing justifies this. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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MIXED MESSAGES & CONFUSION

Dear M. Lover Man,

The man I’m involved with makes me feel unsure about what to call our situation. He is so passionate and pleasurable in bed. When we are there, I feel his involvement. He pours out so much and I know he has to feel something. It’s out the bed that I’m confused about. He isn’t as loving and we don’t really do much. It seems like when we do meet up we end up in bed but in the bed is where he expresses his passion. How can I get him to be passionate outside the bed? The mixed signs are driving me insane. Thanks. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
You have officially misled yourself from being the booty call to his girlfriend in your own world. Every time he meets up with you, its straight to the sack, every moment out of it isn’t worth discussing? That says booty call all over it. What happens here is that booty calls aren’t always so cut and dry. People tend to try to give communication or friendship and it dulls out everything outside the bed. You are misleading someone who is great in bed as more that just that. Just because he can make great love doesn’t mean he is the one for you to love. Now on the other hand, this could be all wrong. He could be very into you, but I doubt there is more substance than just a sexual connection. You need to very seriously sit this man down and clarify what this situation is. There should never be this much diversity between what happens in and out of bed. You need to hurry up and get clarity because I fear you have allowed great sex to mislead you. Be stronger than that and be more than that. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it every man’s job to be so darn confusing? I don’t get the guy I’m dating at times. We have been dating for 3 months and there are times that I feel like I’m the only one he has eyes for. Other times he is so occupied with his cell phone texting or conversation seems drifted. How do I know where I stand with this guy? He can be attentive but at times distant. I question those distant times to myself and wonder if he is thinking of someone else. I don’t ask because I am not even sure what we are. We never officially claimed one another as “a couple” but we have been dating for three months. I’m waiting on him to tell me what he wants but at this rate how will I ever know? Thank you. Confused Clarissa


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Confused Clarissa,
The biggest problem here is your lack of communication. You are sitting confused and haven’t doe anything to clarify your position. Although I doubt it is, but his busy on the texting could be business. I don’t really believe that to be the case but how will you know if YOU do not communicate. In these three months, how much do you even know about this guy without a good level of communication? You do not even know where you stand and I’m sure at this point your lack of communication can be interpreted as lack of interest for more. However, he is just as guilty for the lack of communication. You need to take control in finding your answers before you mislead yourself into a barrel of hurt. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
While my boyfriend was out of town on a business trip, I was invited to go to a party, feeling bored and lonely I went. I recognized some of his friends where there and started a conversation with one particular friend who stated he was interested in me and always has been...few hrs later and a few drinks we were in his car...so as to talk ...so I agreed. Well we made out in the car....we did not have sex. I said no to that...but he did "finger me". I did not have sex with him, but is it still considered as cheating even though he did what he did to me?? Am I wrong?? Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
If I could grab you and shake you, you would be dizzy. Clearly you are not true to your boyfriend and he deserves that from someone. With that being said I will answer your question. YES it is cheating, not only did you have make out sessions but this man invaded your vagina with his finger and fingered you at will. The vagina of a woman that is in a relationship. Had your boyfriend went out and had a make out session with another woman who has expressed deep long secretive interests for years and she jerked him off, would you be happily accepting? Your wondering if this is cheating is a feeble attempt to try to rationalize your interest elsewhere or your inability to be a faithful, trusting woman. Putting yourself in the car with a man that has expressed interest is not wise and it just showed that you were interested. The noble thing to do is to come clean to your boyfriend and honor him enough to allow him the opportunity to decide if he wants to remain in such an untrusting situation. You are very wrong for what you have done and owe him this honesty. Good luck. Please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My girlfriend annoys me. I’m confused about something and it irks me. She is always talking about her ex-boyfriend lately and I’m wondering what’s up with that. I also notice that now she goes out and doesn’t respond to texts or picks up calls like before and then when she talks about this guy, I get upset. She then starts to show me loving when I’m mad. We usually end up having sex but then later on it still bothers me. Am I thinking too much or is she seeing this guy? Thank you for taking time out. Andrew


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Andrew,
You are clearly thinking more than communicating. Showing your anger is a form of communication but a weak one. One so weak that se with the female you should be having sex with diffuses it long enough for her to repeat the action. I can not say for sure whether or not she is cheating but the re-emergence of her ex into her world is definitely a problem, one that if you do not address, can and will hurt you. It seems to have already taken affect and you deserve truth and clarity. You will not get that because you do not ask for it. You need to effectively communicate and express how you feel about this. If it bothers you, say so. Don’t go pouting like a baby waiting for a pacifier. She ends up giving you one (her vagina) and you, just like a baby, accepts. Her time away without response is a red alert if this is a new action. If she has always been that way then you are clearly thinking too much, but if not, you should express your concern in that. Be effective and not accusatory, show concern and be honest always. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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YOU DESERVE MORE

Dear Mr. Lover man,

My boyfriend has cheated on me; I knew he was because things were different. He confessed to three affairs after I caught him. We worked things out but now things are getting to the “different” level again. I sense he is cheating. He hides his phone; he has had nude pictures but swears his boys send them. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to lose him. I feel like we are soul mates and that love should be able to conquer all. How can I get him to change and realize what he has at home?
Thank you, Sarah Not Smiling


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sarah Not Smiling”,
If I could shake some sense into you I would. There is so much going wrong here and you have fueled it. Let me explain, you have an insensitive idiot for a boyfriend who only came clean because you caught him. Had you not caught him, he surely would be sexing others, and probably had emotions for them, if he doesn’t already. Your willingness to try to fix it is cute but not wise. You can not use love as an excuse for allowing this idiot to run all over you. You have assisted him in diminishing your worth. He does NOT respect you and I doubt he loves you. You are convenient because you accept things. With the way STD’s run rampant, I can’t believe you are accepting this. He is showing the same signs and you stumbled across nudes, yet you are willing to use “love conquers all” as a lame excuse to keep you trapped in a situation because of your own insecurities and you acceptance of this abuse. You need to believe that you deserve more, you deserve to experience real love, and you deserve to love yourself a bit more. You want him to see what he has at home? Sad thing is he does because you show him everyday. That’s why he is able to sleep around. Soul mates do not cheat, nor do they take advantage of each other as he does both to you. You need to detach physically in order to heal mentally and emotionally. You need to love yourself much more than accepting this. He takes advantage of your weakness. Be strong enough to love you first, love yourself more and true love will appear. He is not that person. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Ok so I broke my rule about not having sex with friends and I...had sex with a friend lol. We've always been attracted to each other, if I'm honest I'll say it basically the foundation of our friendship. We had sex once; almost a year ago the sex was ok. Neither one of us has ever spoken about that night, nor has he asked for seconds. When we talk there's no flirting, and when we hold long conversations it's like he's talking to anybody not like we once shared a night together. It drives me crazy!! I want him to come back for more, I want him to want me and it drives me crazy that he doesn't. My question is should I ask him why we never got together again- at this point it's not even that I want to, I just want to know why.
Thank you in advance for your response
Signed “Confused”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused”,
Well nothing is ever set in stone but there could be two things going on here. He could be feeding off the fact that you have never spoke about it either. He may be feeling the same exact way as you are and this is holding him back from conversing about this. Then again, there should have been a subtle hint of something, what this is leaning towards is maybe he just wants the friendship with you and nothing more. Yes to the surprise of many, there are men like that. Maybe something about the moment didn’t do it for him. The only way you will know is to communicate this. If this is a good friend that you feel you can discuss this with then you must inject this topic into the conversation. Be honest and open, remember that how you feel isn’t necessarily how he feels. Be willing to see things in more than one way and be happy that you were able to finally get this off your chest. At this point nothing is happening so telling him won’t make it worse. Remind him how much the friendship means to you, reassure him that no matter his feelings that the friendship is priority. Never stifle your true feelings, they are truly yours. Good luck, please keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My story is kind of long…..however, here goes. There’s this guy I dated back in high school and we reconnected last year after 19 to 20 years. Well he lived in another state and I did as well. Well our situation started off pretty well. We started talking on the phone, and it was hours of endless conversations. As for me I hadn’t really dated anyone for about 3yrs after been involved for about 4yrs prior. I had been on a date here and there; but most of the guys were looking for nothing more than a good ole fun time and that wasn’t in my plans of getting to know someone. He was married at one point, but divorced after 8yrs and the marriage ended badly. The ex-wife was cheating, and he actually caught her and the guy together. They had a child that he later found out that was not his. Therefore, she lied to him for 9yrs of a child that wasn’t his. Well after being single for about a year he started see another female for which they had a child together…..that relationship didn’t last, it ended shortly after their child was born he left because he expressed to me she showed more interest in her friends rather than in their relationship; in their case there was an age difference (at their time of meeting she was 24 and he was 38). He stated she liked hanging at the club and he would find pictures were guys would be hugging and touching her in places he thought he should only be touching. I express to him those choices he made to be with each individual and those times have passed yet to find in his heart to forgive them; I stated those things because he had somewhat of a bitter side to him because of how these women treated him. I wasn’t trying to change this individual; my initial concept was to offer ways of forgiveness so he could move on with his life. We became close within a short time and I found a cool friendship with this individual, which made me want to get to know him more. Now, as to our encounter, he hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone within a year; but he did have a few friends with benefits, he was honestly in expressing that with me. Therefore, I in turn expressed to him I wasn’t seeing anyone but I would like to see where this could go with us and he agreed. I went to visit him for a weekend get-away and it was great but after the visit he seemed somewhat distance and if you’re pondering, yes we ended up having sex. A note to say we didn’t have sex when I dated him in high school. Our conversations became lesser and him somewhat withdrawn. I became somewhat of a pest to his actions because I asked a mountain of questions to what was going on and if he still had interest in me. Well it distant him more, and I didn’t know I was pushing him that more further away from me. I guess I pushed too far, and rather than talking to me he sent an email expressing that he was dealing with some issues that he, himself needed to sort out but I couldn’t hold off til he dealt with his problems. Therefore, he stated that he hadn’t been talking to many people at the time he was dealing with his issues. I apologized for my pestering actions and stated I apologized if I thought our connection was more than what it was. Well as a few months passed I couldn’t get him out my head so I tried reconnecting with him, and his actions with me were somewhat distantly mean. When I called he would answer but the conversation would be vague and I was trying on every effort to make it a descent conversation but he would just be short and harshly sassy. I would talk about us getting to know each other but he just totally assume I wanted this full flesh relationship yet I was only trying to get to know this person and maybe one day us together find a relationship with each other. I know friendship before relationship is a keep to getting to know someone. However, I found out he would be engaging with others and yet telling me he wasn’t looking for anything and yet he was considering a relationship with one particular person; however, she was giving him the cold shoulder (the same one he was giving me). Well, he stated he had friends with benefits and he still wasn’t looking for anything and I accepted that. Well I invited him on a trip with me and he took the offer and came with me….the trip was nice, but I was still left with no answers to where this left us. He still maintains that he wasn’t looking for anything at the moment, but was engaging with several other women even some very young. Well he lost his job and I have been trying to assist him in finding work and passing his resume to others and networking for him. I know he has nothing in mind for us and I’m not even considered an option as to a relationship. He don’t know that I know about someone he solely dating now for which when the last time we had a conversation as to getting to know each other, he continues to maintain he’s not thinking about anything like that but I know for a fact he’s spending time with this other individual. I keep wondering what was it I don’t or didn’t have to distant him so much from me. I just wanted him to be honest with me and it would have been ok although it would have hurt. Well I’ve made the choice to not contact this person anymore; but he’s told someone I know that he wants us to be friends and he’s not going to tell me about this person he’s seeing because he think it will make him lose all concepts of us being friends….he’s waiting to the right time to tell me. My question is why should I consider this person as a friend, because friends wouldn’t have done what he did?! I really care for this man in more ways than one and I don’t think I can just be his friend; and from his actions I know there may not be any chance for us on his behalf, yet he wants my friendship?!
Signed, “Hurt”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Hurt”,
This is a rough one. Sadly, this guy is playing a game with you. He didn’t have any interest in you that was serious. He showed it until he slept with you. Typical asshole. Your seeking him and caring for him is not who he is, it is who he portrayed before you slept with him. The distant asshole is who he is, the after sex person is who he is. He no longer had to impress you or give you a lot of time because in the asshole way of thinking, he already scored. Now there could have also been that when you went to see him, he didn’t find anything for than a sexual connection and gave you the distant cold shoulder because he isn’t man enough to say he is not into you in such a manner but instead says that he is going through stuff and isn’t looking for anything serious with anyone, yet, he is with someone else. Once again, another asshole excuse. You do not need to engage or indulge in any activity with this individual. A friendship isn’t needed either because he isn’t friend worthy as honesty is a great friendship quality. You need to discontinue contact and heal within. You are more than this situation and you deserve a man who will honor your true worth, however, if you continue to engage in socialization it’s because you have allowed him to determine your worth. Be more than that. God luck, please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Actually I have two questions:
1) Is "I love you" worth accepting if it comes from someone who cheats and has no remorse about it?
2) Can a person be driven, pushed, or made to cheat?
Just want to know your thoughts.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS:
Nothing is worth accepting when a person is cheating and on top of it being a remorseless idiot about it. If someone accepts that, it shows the worth they see of themselves and allows the other person to walk all over them. The person obviously will never respect the weaker person accepting this. As for your second question, the answer is yes and no. Yes someone can feel pressured, pushed and driven to doing it but ultimately the decision is theirs. No matter what it is a decision and not a mistake. It is something thought out and done without care of the other party. Love isn’t present when these acts are going on and no matter what; it is the person’s choice.

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WHEN THE MANS STANCE ISNT CLEAR

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Don't know where to start. There's this guy I've being somewhat seeing for 5 1/2 years off and on. We go our own ways and some how keep coming back around. Basically we started to get to know one another 5 years ago and he had just started seeing someone. Basically we started sleeping together and I was cool with the idea and kept doing me. He'd come around with mix feelings and wanted to play the couple game. I was like what are you doing, you have someone. He never responded.
Then he'd go back and forth and say we can't be together when I hadn't asked to be. Long story short, we part for a few months or so and then the same thing. He and his girlfriend have broken up several times. He came to me and told me he was going to get married and I said congrats! He was angry and said that's it?! Tell me how you feel. I told him, you're the one getting married not me and I wouldn't intervene. I did after he left tell him, I thought he was making a mistake 'cause if he was ready, why have you been involved with me while with her? I think she has ties with the family, not to make an excuse. He did not get married and I had my sis check records. She works in civil court. I've been told by some he wants me, but he's not sure how to take me. Basically he's more dominant and I'm not pushy, but not passive. Now he says he wants to say hello and wants a hug. We haven't seen each other in four months. There's been several times he ask me about the future, do I want to get married and so on, but then stops himself. Earlier of the year, I think he wanted me to be pregnant, he kept asking if I was then became mad. Crazy I know. He asked me what I wanted with him earlier. BTW, we've went at one point almost two years without sleeping together, but talking.
My question to you is why does he keep coming around and do he wants anything. He says he's done yet come back. We both do. This has gone on for almost six years. By the way he's younger than I by six years. He's a Scorpio, I've had many! (Lol) Now he's 27 or 28, I'm 34. It just happened.
Thanks. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
There is a lot wrong with this relationship. First thing before I even continue, I want to say that you both have created this situation.. With that bring said I'll begin.. There is hope for our promise of anything ever neutralizing that's worth more than it had ever been. A part of him will never consider you his number one and that's why he can venture elsewhere as far as almost being married. The fact that he seems to always return mostly means its because he knows her won't be rejected there. It never is because a guy realizes that's where he needs to be. When a breakup happens or things are in doubt on one relationship, guys want to feel validated also, they return to where they know they won't be alienated you are the person that always accepts him back no matter what. He is used to that& there’s more comfort or being content than there is promise of love. Those lil games guys plays when they tell you about the next one and want a response from you is to validate his place. Guys always want to know they can return. Its more who than love. Guys don't ever wish to be forgotten. You need to get a clear and concise answer. Don't try to figure him out, straight up ask him on three phone before u even meet up. Meeting up well only repeat the cycle. Nobody wants to meet up for a hug. That is a play on female sentiment that men often do. I say communicate & demand that he puts his expectations on the table. You are worth much more than an almost 6 yr on and off confusion filled sexcapade/dysfunctional friendship. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have a four year old son. His dad and I are not together. When I had the opportunity to move to a new place, I stayed upstate primarily because I wanted my son to have a relationship with his dad. His dad took our breakup very badly--even though he was unwilling to make any changes to prevent it. At the end, the relationship was emotionally abusive even though he doesn't think so. We commute to work together and now he is acting so nasty. I need to move and I am considering a move back to the borough where my family is. I have no other support upstate and there is no public transportation. I want my son to have a good relationship with his dad but I also feel that having some peace of mind is important. I have tried to talk to him but he always brings up the fact that I have dated someone else and the bitterness is relentless. How do I strike a balance between emotional piece and an active dad for my son?
Signed Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Some of the worst situations are when a child is involved. I applaud your effort to sacrifice for the relationship of your son and his father. The relationship carries too much pain to be able to co-exist in a healthy manner at this point. The emotional peace may not be obtainable on his end; this is something you have to accept within. He hasn’t been able to seek that. That does not mean it isn’t possible, it’s just that maybe not enough is being done on both ends to make that a reality. He needs to release his anger in a productive manner and I don’t see that happening anytime soon. At this stage you must make a decision that is best for you and your son. The relationship you have with your son’s father is strained and it concerns me that ultimately how it will affect your son. Remind the father that at this point there is no other important communicating other than being great parents that can co-exist in a healthy fashion for the well being of your son. Communicate your concerns, let him know what you are considering and find out what his stance will be. His relationship with his son is important but there must be common ground. Be firm with your position, your concerns and your possible plans. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hey, I have a question for you. Why is it that when men lose their jobs they become a different person? My man lost his job after 15 years there& he actually told me he wanted to mourn over his job, meanwhile bills still had to be paid. He wanted to sit on his butt and choose what jobs he would & would not take. And he even decided it was time to verbally take things out on me. (FYI I’m single now because that just wasn't an option. Saw it becoming physical & I put him out.) Anyway I understand it maybe an ego thing but why can't a man just get past it & move on especially when the woman is still holding down the fort?
Desiree


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Desiree,
Sadly there is a societal pressure that equates employment (amongst other things) as a symbol of manhood. This goes strong in affecting the psyche of the male and often breaks him down. I’m not saying pity this man, but I’m saying that for the entire life of a male, there is an unfair pressure that is supposed to be associated with “man”. He obviously wasn’t strong enough in many eyes to deal with his job lost but all too often I have seen people not want to change professions or accept a lesser role or job and this ruins them in some way. His verbal release to you may have been a lot of negative feelings he felt about himself. He may have taken things you said harsh and not think you understood his losing that job after 15 years probably meant a lot more to him than he expressed. Nonetheless, the ego thing is societal induced. This isn’t something a man chose, it was placed on his lap early in life by parents, teaches and communities. There was gender roles placed since the age of two. Boys weren’t allowed to express the same tears girls were and so on. That doesn’t mean he had to be an asshole about it. Many men accept the role of a good woman that can hold the fort, this man in particular couldn’t get past the silly role he adopted willingly or not.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am asking about the returning ex. I have one who will enter into my life, make it known he just wants to be friends, but then he'll sort of press the relationship issue. Considering the fact that he and I fought a lot when we were together, I just don't know how I feel about getting back together with him. But once I let it be known that I don't think it's a good idea, we'll fight about it and end up not talking...for a while. But we always end up talking again. What do I do? What do you think the basis for the uncertainty is? Is it because he's afraid of how he feels? Thanks, Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
You stand your ground. He isn't clear about his definite position because there lays doubt within. A relationship that carries heavier doubt than certainty will not succeed. This in and out routine becomes the base of why hasn’t and probably never will flourish further for a long period of time. I say that you move forward and do not entertain this any more. I think it’s because he wants too many different things at different times. You don't appear too be a priority full time for him and that concerns me. This seems to be more about convenience. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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THE EFFECTS OF CHEATING

To Mr. Lover Man,

My wife has been cheating on me. I caught on to her affair and she is doing so with a married guy, not that this probably matters because she is cheating. She promised that it would never happen again and she continues to cheat with this guy. I see the texts, the calls, the emails, and it’s like she doesn’t care until I’m ready to leave. When I’m ready she cries, flips out and threatens to kill herself. Our two kids need their mother and I don’t want her to kill herself no matter how much I hate her cheating. She keeps saying it though and I don’t know if it’s real or not but she cries and says it. She threatens to leave me and the kids forever if I divorce her. I just want to be happy and I can’t be with her. I am done with this marriage and want to serve her with papers but I’m afraid she will kill herself. All this and she still is sleeping with the married man. What can I do? “Ron”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ron”,
I have learned that no matter how idiotic the threat may seem, you assume it to be real. Sometimes some people do so as a cry for attention or to get their way and sometimes they do it because they mean it. You are not legally qualified to make that determination. You must and I repeat MUST contact a professional about these threats. They cannot hold you from living your life. She made a decision to cheat and sleep around repeatedly with some married guy. You should be forever held hostage because of that disgusting decision. She has an edge on you emotionally and is using that to manipulate and hold you into place and you are allowing this to happen. Yes YOU are allowing this. If she threatens again, contact a hospital, the authorities and have them assist you in placing her somewhere where she can attempt to kill herself. This is not good for the kids and they need a more stable mother in their lives as well as a father who can do without the extra drama. Her cheating ways are also risking exposure to std’s and you should consider that at this point to. It doesn’t seem as if she is ready to give up the cheating and you surely can’t be held against your will, so you need to make some decisions because your kids need a stable environment. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My problem is that my man doesn't want me as much as he used to. He doesn’t show any affection like he used to. He doesn’t show any effort to have sex. Don’t all men want sex?! We used to have sex all the time and maybe he is bored or he found someone else. I try to ask him and he told me there is no one else. His excuse for not being physical with me is the same all the time, which is he is tired. How can someone be too tired to say I love you or too tired to show affection? I cheated on him before but I thought we moved past that. I mean, I made a mistake in the past and we've both decided to move on from that. I'm so confused as to why he's doing this to me. It seems like now that I’m going all out and trying to put all of my effort into our relationship, he isn’t doing it. When I give someone else attention, then he puts all of his effort into not losing me. What else do I need to do? From: Not Enough Loving


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Not Enough Loving”,
There is something apparent here and I think that you need to give it serious consideration. Your cheating is something you claim to have gotten over but his actions show otherwise. Did he ever get the opportunity to express himself and his feelings about being the victim of your cheating ways? Was he able to heal and come to terms with this as a bad decision you made? At times this never happens and the cheater feels since they can move on the victim should too. That’s unfair and not an effective way to perceive it. Another thing I want to touch on is that you did not make a mistake when you cheated. You made a bad selfish decision and you have to own up to that. Saying you made a mistake takes away the fact that you did the wrong thing and also takes away him being the innocent victim. This doesn’t assist in his healing process. His giving attention when you give it to others probably is because it sparks the trauma of you giving sexual attention to someone(s) else and this is why he reacts in such a manner. Communicate with him, allow him a moment to release, accept you made a selfish choice and it wasn’t a mistake and you are sure this is something you never will repeat again. Without communication, all else will fall apart. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi Mr. Lover Man, I love this blog. Here goes, I have been with my husband for 13 years and I don’t know if I want to leave him or stay and begin a new life. We have an 8 year old son. Lately I haven’t been feeling the love. We argue over little things, not like money or stuff because we both make a lot of it. Sex production has come to a shrieking halt and I am frustrated. On a consistent basis, I am asking for sex, only to be met with excuses. He is tired from work or doesn’t have time or some excuse I no longer want to hear. Funny thing is that the other night as I went to bed, I went to go to the bathroom and heard what I thought was him releasing an orgasm. I asked him and he denied it. I want to ask more but I just can’t bring myself to ask. This makes me feel less about my sexuality and the level of attraction between us. I’m sure he is hiding more. What husband masturbates while still married and I’m sure he is thinking of someone else and that ticks me off and hurts at the same time. Two weeks ago he left his phone in the bed and that was rare because he is glued to the phone so I checked it and found about 5 messages from girls texting him sexual stuff and that they were close to where he lives. They should not know where we live. I approached him and he denied it. He said a friend must have sent it as a joke, could this be? I feel unloved, alone, less attractive and distant. I just don’t know what to do; can you help me? Thanks, Unloved and Alone


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unloved and Alone”,
This is one of those situations that I hate to encounter because it is almost like I’m the bearer of bad news. There had to be a point where this was slowly becoming this way. We often choose to ignore it thinking it will turn back around or that it isn’t that serious. Then this situation you are in happens. Married couples do masturbate, sorry if you think that’s going to stop but it won’t, especially with men. What he thinks about is his business when he masturbates and I know you want it to be thoughts of you but that isn’t the likely case with men. However, there are more important issues at hand. The way you are feeling worries me because it doesn’t seem like this is new. I get the sense that this has been going on untreated. There comes a stage where seeing a professional is needed. You need to surface and elevate your self worth. You are still amazing and still wonderful. His lack of expression and love could be that his attention is elsewhere or that things are coming to an end. Sometimes we associate time (13 years) with what we feel we should be at in a relationship and that’s not often the case. Communicate with him please. Express how you feel honestly and what these actions are doing to you. If you want to save this marriage then you are going to have to do so. The messages are definitely not from a friend and are flirtatious. Is he cheating? I can’t say that physically, however, he is definitely wrong for that engaging with those women in such a manner. You have to address how that makes you feel. He can NOT give you self worth, so why let him take it away? You are still you. Seek for that wonderful you and allow it to surface. Good luck and please let me know how things are.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi. I am very confused about where my marriage is. My husband and I have been married 4 years and have two small children. We have been happy together and have a lovely life, no money problems whatsoever. About 6 months ago, we had a debate about something in the Bible regarding the wife submitting to the husband in everything. I told him that is not literal and that different time periods mean different things but he acted very disrespectful toward me. I am a religious and he claims to be spiritual, and he did not grow up in a church. We had a strong partnership before this and now I’m feeling like we are in a competition. Since this debate I have a feeling that he has been displaying a male complex of some kind. He has made some indirect chauvinistic remarks. Although he tries very hard to hide it, I know that he feels that he is supposed to be better than me because he is a man and I am a woman. I feel like I have to be less to please him and that’s not fair to me. These past days we talked about it and he tries to take back the things he said and apologize. I don’t feel it’s that easy and I can’t forgive him. I am unhappy and one time this was the perfect marriage. I want to leave but I can't leave because of the children. I want nothing to do with the church anymore because of that verse. To add to this one of my co-workers have been making advances towards me, and I am attracted to him. The desire to have sex with my husband has left and I only think of my co-worker. I don't know what else to do. “Ready To Go”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ready To Go”,
Interestingly, this story seemed to change gears towards the end and I’m wondering if the co-worker is the real reason you no longer feel the sexual drive towards your husband. For the record, your husband’s remarks were childish and unacceptable. His indirect chauvinist comments are horrible but this new found attraction puzzles me as to why you would mention that in the latter part of your question. Often that is because that is the base here and one tends to try to avoid it if possible or add it as a “matter of fact” kind of thing. Did your co-worker know you were married because his making advance knowing so tells a lot about him. If you are looking for a sexual fest then maybe you should engage but be honest with your husband first about where you stand. You are a married woman and if you are that unhappy then you need to separate or divorce if this cannot be reconciled. It is wrong to cheat or keep a spouse around and that is misleading and will cause problems later on. You say you can’t leave for the kids but in reality they will inherit your unhappiness if you stay. I have seen these situations get ugly and the kids end up hurt the most because the parents couldn’t communicate their new position effectively. Now if you feel your marriage is 100% over than you need to take action before you involve another. You need to sit down with your now husband and come up with a mature plan on how to parent as divorced parents and how to soften the blow for the children. This should not be about you and your co-worker. At this point I say do not engage until you have a clear understanding on where you want to be with your present marriage. Good luck, please keep me posted.

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