Sunday, January 23, 2011


Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am at my wits end. Here’s my story in a nutshell, my wife of 8 years (in a relationship 12) and I have 2 beautiful kids which are 5 and 4 years of age. She has been denying cheating on me for months but I noticed the changes, I noticed the hours changed, down to the damn way she looks at me. I decided to pay someone to follow her, take pics and report back to me, (like the show cheaters) and would you believe that I discovered she is cheating with a friend of mine. Now I’m coming to you because I don’t feel comfortable going to my boys about this, my family thinks my wife is a freaking angel and I’m ready to kill someone. What the heck do I do here because I’m ready to hurt my friend for this? Thanks. Angry Man.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Angry Man”,
I need you to erase the thought of doing something violent. No matter the situation, you must understand that knowing the root of the problem is key in reduction of doing something highly regretful. You have kids to think about and freedom to focus on. This is a price to pay to find out two things, one is that your wife and friend aren’t worthy of you in their lives intimately and two that you can be the better man by gracefully bowing out. I need you to trust me on this and not think of this as a less than approach but as a less is more approach. You have the right to confront and express but do not release aggression. You can be honest, firm and emotional but do not under any circumstances be the aggressor in an ugly situation. Let them know how much they hurt you; let them know that you no longer wish them in your life (other than your wife as your children’s mother). However, this is only assuming that you are ending the marriage. If you are not ending it then you need to come to an agreement after and during some professional intervention. Her willingness to participate will determine her willingness to want to work it out. Whichever it is you choose, you have to express your hurt and be given time to heal. You should look into professional help and put you and your kids first. You also have to go to your family, no matter what they think of her, you need support right now. You need to have an outlet and you need to not be alone. Continue to be a good dad and do not let this cause you to do something to remove you from your children. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Are all men destined to cheat? It’s almost like you can’t find a man who knows what he has long enough to appreciate just one before he finds his wandering eyes elsewhere, then his hands and member somewhere new. I’m with this guy who I thought was a good catch, good looking, and great in bed & have a job, but underneath that, he is a cheating asshole who only thinks about himself. How can I find someone not just into himself? Thank you. Sincerely, “Woman That’s Fed Up”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Woman That’s Fed Up”,
First thing, all men are not destined to cheat, however, all the men you presently attract probably are. You ask how you can find someone who isn’t into himself; well the key is to look beyond your eyes. You names three things that made this guy a good man and in reality, none of those say anything about who he is. He has a job, ok, well so do assholes. He is good in bed, ok, well so can anyone if they work it enough. You said he is good looking, and although that may be true, none of these make him a good man outside of bed and to look at. Before you become the bed buddy, learn your partner. Let communication explore who he really is and give an indication of what you really want. Sex before information usually goes wrong and it seems like maybe that’s where you are. Do things that are enjoyable and place him in different environments to see who he is. Take your time; happiness is a great thing to invest in. Take it as it is and do NOT, I repeat do NOT mislead yourself ever. If the signs are there, take it for what it’s worth and not what you wish they would be. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My situation is probably different than others. I have been married to my husband for about 6 years but after the first two years I suspected he cheated on me and I left him for about a year. In that year I ended up having a baby from another man. This man denied getting me pregnant and wanted nothing to do with me. My husband and I tried working it out and I realized that although I suspected he cheated, I never knew if he did or not and had absolutely no proof if he ever did. So we decided to work it out and he said he would raise the baby with me as if it were his own. I want to say that my husband is such a good man and he really stepped into the role as a real man does. If you though all that was complex, here goes the whammy; through Facebook, my baby’s real dad contacted me and said he is sorry and wants to be in the baby’s life but wants to get things right with me first. I will say that I am in love with my husband and despite what this next man has done, I can’t detach from him. He hasn’t pushed to see the baby but wants to see me. I haven’t seen him but one day left the computer on by mistake and my husband saw these messages back and forth and is filing for divorce. I don’t know what to do at all. Please save my marriage. Thank you, if you can do this I’ll be in debt always. “Lost Without Him”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost Without Him”,
Your husband is indeed a good man, the problem here is that (amongst many things) that I’m not sure he was able to fully heal from the fact that his wife got pregnant from another man. So the contact with this man outside of him seeing his child (which he doesn’t seem to care about) is painful in itself but added to the past pain has pushed him out the door. You needed to be more responsible and mature and you weren’t. The thing is I’m not sure you will just yet because you said you can’t seem to detach from him. Have a backbone here, the guy abandoned you and your child, the guy is only out to have easy sex. First, you need to eliminate all contact with the other guy that is not related to his child. Being that he doesn’t seem to care enough to want contact with the child and then there is absolutely no reason to even contact him. He only wants to contact you because you are the girl he sexed quickly. Sleazy guys always contact women they feel they can sex periodically just for that. If and only if you are able to permanently eliminate all contact from this guy outside of parental duties, then you need to come clean to your husband and explain the messages in a clear manner that doesn’t cover up anything. Let him know your intentions and where you stand. The fact that you haven’t seen the guy is a plus but how long would that have lasted? You need to block the other guy permanently after you only offer him to chance to see his child in the presence of you and your husband (only after speaking to your husband about this). I recommend professional intervention here and you should be the one to introduce it. This will show the seriousness in your trying to fix this. It isn’t hopeless but you need a lot of work here. Let honestly and communication lead this. Now that you know better, do better. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a jam that is not easy to figure out. My boyfriend is in prison, he went to prison for assault for defending me when some man was too touchy with me. I have been visiting him when I can, but he was sentenced to two years and my friends often remind me that I have needs and need to have an affair. I went out with the girls and met this guy in the local club, he is really fine and gave me a lot of attention and yes I slept with him just one time. The thing is that I found out three things, one is that I’m pregnant; the second is that he gave me herpes and the third is he knows my man. I’m fu*king screwed. My boyfriend comes home in two months and I’m two months pregnant and haven’t told him anything. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. I know he gave up a lot to defend me and I just hate what I did. Can this be saved? Please say yes. Thank you, Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
This is a lot to digest for you I’m sure, although there is a lot of activity in your moment of cheating, you have to direct your attention on what is happening within you. You have a new life to feed and someone who demands more than a moment. Make sure you have your head straight for that. Then you have a health issue now and that needs your strict attention and you need to wear more responsibility for yourself. I know you want to be with your boyfriend upon his arrival but you need to come clean. Be realistic and ask yourself to reverse the role and without thinking selfishly for once, would you take him back if it was reversed? As you weigh that out, you need to be ready to be totally honest with him about this experience and your stupid friend’s suggestion to cheat on your man. Friends normally want what’s best for their friends, not just to have a partner to go out and sleep with men in clubs. That’s just plain stupid. Nonetheless, it is done and you have to focus on the now, come clean to him and express your heart. I have no idea what he will say but I’m sure he has been waiting about two years to hold you freely and it’s kind of sad that you may have removed that dream from him. The only way to make this work is to come clean and let your heart speak, let your soul guide you into his and allow him to express himself honestly. You made the decision for you; he needs to make it for him. Good luck and keep me posted.

Monday, January 10, 2011


Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Why do men always act like they don’t need help or like they are the sh#t, even when they are down and out. What’s with this whole front like they can’t accept whatever their situation is? How can I get with a man when every time I do, the dude is talking about what he did or going to do? I dated this one guy that kept reliving his high school football days. Like I really want to hear about that. Is there are men out there that doesn’t hide behind their pride or lies? Thank you in advance. Confused Jane Doe

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused Jane Doe”,
I want to start out by saying all men are NOT this way. This may be the type of men you have dealt with and for some reason you attract but this is not the story of all men. Those men or rather, those males you deal with are in the more immature category and you have to ask yourself why they gravitate towards you in particular, while doing so, understand that there are some idiots out there that still believe in this gender separation and go for the Neanderthal way of thinking when it comes to male and female gender roles. One thing about men is that when a man mentions his triumphs, whether past or present, it’s for a reason. The same way it is said that women are more sensitive, at times a man likes his partner to pay attention to what he is saying and would like validation in that. If the roles were reversed and you were telling him something about someone close to you and he shut you down, you wouldn’t be the happiest. Maybe the pride is up because you kick the ego in the sack. This isn’t only about you when you are in a relationship and although I believe pride and ego should be left somewhere, they do exist. Maybe his way of opening communication is thru his most comforting accomplishments. What’s wrong with asking more about them and engaging in his interests for a moment? I’m pretty sure you aren’t always the most entertaining conversationalist or they wouldn’t be bringing these things up. Be fair and do not let the blame fall short of your lap. You play a role.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I feel like I have two boyfriends, one when his boys are there and one when his boys are not there. It’s like they carry his pride and ego with them and he tries to show out when they are around. I am fed up and annoyed and about to leave this situation. What do you think I should because this man has me at the point where I’m about to flip. Thanks. Suzie.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Suzie”,
First thing here is that your boyfriend carries the “boy” part of the title very well. That is something that should have died out after puberty, high school the most. With that being said, the problem exists and running away isn’t the answer if there is true emotion invested in this situation. What has to happen is that there has to be a coming of the minds (If possible with the man child). You have to sit him down and express your honest feelings and what this situation is doing to the relationship. Don’t ask him to be the floating poet around his boys because his relationship with them has probably been that way for years but you can firmly let it be known that you do not wish to accept less from him because they are in the area. He should be able to be his other side with his boys but can find a way to morph the two parts of him where it is healthy in all areas. It isn’t hard to do. He has to feel safe doing so and I’m sure you can assist in that department. Remind him how it hurts and how it frustrates you but you want him to be him all the time. You aren’t trying to change him but you just want a little consistency. In a very civil manner, I can see ground being made. Please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi There, I hope you're well; I acquired your email address at your site, and wondered if you may be able to help me. I'm a 43 year old woman; for the past 2 years I have been seeing a lovely gentleman. Sadly this gentleman is a paraplegic (we met after his injury). He has issues, and hang-ups about himself, which I feel are natural; however I love him, and have told him this. He seems to play what I call mind games, and feels the need to constantly test me. For example, he might send me a text message saying he "would like to leave things be", I go along with his request, and give him reassurance indirectly. Last week I called to wish him a happy new year. He pretended not to know who was calling (even though my no would have displayed on his phone), and he had often played this game I feel to hide his true feelings from me. I said hello and he said Hi, and hung up, I rang him back, and he answered me and then hung up again. I have tried to call him since, however it's as though he's ignoring my calls. I have not tried to contact him constantly, as feel that he has enough to deal with, as he does suffer mood swings and so forth. Please would you advise me on this, as I really do love him, and do not know where to turn to.
Thank you very much for your time, warmest wishes, Roxanne.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Roxanne”,
Sadly he is battling so many things within and I fear that he doesn’t realize the prize that stands before him. It isn’t easy to deal with the issues of esteem or the feeling of pride as if he has to make the call because of fear that you would not be permanent. In that situation, one is always questioning those around them and wondering where people truly lie and there are issues of feeling like a burden to add to that. He probably doesn’t see the full extent of his injected distance and that this time in his life he has a woman who loves him for him. I don’t know what his yesterday was like to make him inject this distance but I can only imagine. I do know that studies support that men have a harder recovery time with rejection and maybe this is his way of protecting self from being rejected again in his life. I think at this point you are going to have to lay all the cards on the table and impose your will one time. Sit beside him and tell him point blank in a caring, honest manner what it is you want in this situation and how much his distance hurts. You can not fall into the game he is playing. These games are usually played because he hasn’t the control in other areas of life and this is where he feels he has. You have to counter that with love, show him that you are real and not some fly by night moment. I tip my hat tip you and honor you and I’m sure when you put it all on the line, so will he. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Do men still deliberately ignore women if he really likes her as a ploy to try and get her to notice him? Because I swear this guy is doing that at work. Thanks. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Playing hard to get is so high school or junior high school. However, from you taking notice, I see it still works. Maybe he really has no interest and you have misled yourself because of your desire for him to want you or your expectation of him to be attracted to you, nonetheless, it does still exists and although it does I do not ever believe in childish antics to express self but to always communicate like adults effectively.

TIPS: Men aren’t the only ones with pride. Thinking it as a gender and stereotypically placing labels on it is the same as men assuming you shouldn’t work and just cook & clean. That’s very prehistoric and idiotic. When your partner is proud about a plan or a past accomplishment, remember that it’s not your moment so don’t be all petty and try to shut them down. Instead, compliment and support that. And try to remember that sometimes pride is mistaken for good old honest confidence. Good luck all.