Saturday, August 21, 2010


So many times people are faced with tough decisions regarding their relationships and more times than I wish, we often make the wrong choices. We tend to use “love” as to some of the most pathetic excuses of we people stick around in some of the most degrading, abusive, neglectful and unfair relationships.
This excuse of “love” is usually not “love” at all and it is a form of emotional dependence. This is where people look to them as someone who fills a void, even when there isn’t one. Emotional dependents tend to use “love” as a false excuse to distract from unresolved emotional issues in ourselves and others. We all know that, in order to truly love someone, one must truly explore the love within self and learn to transfer this new found love for self to others. People place these emotional and mental restrictions on self and use “love” or the amount of time in a relationship as an excuse to endure pain. Its not a mature decision, nor does it help the self at all. Letting go is much stronger at times than holding on and lying to self that we are :“fighting” for something not worth fighting for. With that being said, I think that the following questions are something we either faced or know someone who has. Self-love can sound like a bunch of crap when someone is heartbroken, but in reality, self love is the greatest weapon in healing.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am in a place in my relationship where I don’t know what to do. I want to run away but I know I cant make it without him. He makes more money than I do and I am used to this way of living. It started with the cheating and I think after a period of time I got numb to it, knowing I’m the one he comes home to. Some days I want to hide in a hole and never come out. Other days I feel so ashamed because it feels like everyone of his friends and family members know. It is embarrassing to me. Then those moments of feeling numb come and I have my “fuck it” attitude. This isn’t all that often though. How do I make him return to who he once was? I still love him but do I even stay and if not how do I leave? Help me, I am broken. Thanks, “The Broken Heart”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The Broken Heart”,
There is an inner emotional fight here that you placed on yourself. Sadly you are now assisting him in keeping you captive. I want you to never say that you cant make it without that idiot. It does not matter about the financial situation and whoever makes more. This is about you, this is about being in a better situation. Before I even go on, ask yourself, do you even want to be in a better situation? Because I can give advice but you are the one that must take action. Never ask questions seeking a specific answer. Ask seeking the truth and the truth here is that you are in a highly abusive relationship and your mental/emotional dependence on this creep has made you unable to move forward. I always say “It is painful to leave but it is absolute torture to stay”. Consider that as you also take into account the risks of STD’s he is bringing to you night after night, think of the times you don’t know about that he has spent with women, think of how he treats you and use that as fuel to wanting better. A known fact is that an abusive relationship gets worse in time, never better. People can get help but you need to make your exit in order for him to want to help himself.
Understand that he does not love you. You are the at home person, the at home sex access, you are accessible to his power hungry needs, to his lies, abuse and to his feeling dominate in a world where I’m sure he doesn’t feel anywhere else. Take time to move forward, it wont be easy but it is rewarding when you are fully detached and ready for as better loving situation. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How is it that if someone loves you they can hurt you? I love my man and he really loves me deep inside but I don’t understand how he be flipping on me the way he does. He has been abusive towards me and I’m afraid that one day if he stops loving me he may kill me. I cant see myself without him. Its been 5 years I put into this and I don’t want it to be thrown away. I want it to be the way it was in the beginning and for him to realize I’m a good woman. Help me. “Love Got Me”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Love Got Me”,
First of all, love did not “get” you, your inability to surface your self love or your inability to want more has held you as paralyzed as this piece of work you call your man. I understand that you feel 5 years has been “invested” and you don’t want to “throw it away” but in reality, its thrown away. All those times he hit you, those verbally abusive moments, all that has assured that this relationship has been “thrown away” a long time ago. No one’s soul mate hits them, no one’s soul mate abuses them. This is criminal and he should be incarcerated. What hit me hardest was how you believe he loves you and if he should stop, he would kill you. He does NOT love you, he is slowly killing you and you choosing to remain will assist in him killing you. Do not give this creep the power to continue his emotional/mental onslaught on you. Do not allow him to physically damage your outer beauty which assists in destroying your soul. Walk away, run away, call the cops, pick up, get help, search resources. They are out there. Please call 1-800-799 SAFE. That’s a national abuse hotline. I know others that it helped greatly. Keep me posted please.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I always read your tweets on twitter sometimes I either want to jump up and co-sign or I want to put my face in my hands and cry. You say things that affect me and my relationship and no matter what you say, I still stay here. I love my man and he loves me. He been through a lot so I tolerate more than I normally would but the thing that worries me is that for the last two years he has been doing the same stuff that almost breaks us up like cheating or not spending time with me, he is in the same money situation and his anger grows. I don’t like how he talks to me, he don’t hit me but he says some of the most painful things to me. Is there any repairing this or am I jut playing myself thinking this will get better? Signed, “Tired Lady”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Tired Lady”,
Thank you for following me. Lets start this off by no longer assuming the level of love another has towards you without it being in action. In your situation, his cheating and his neglect of you does not sound like love to me. The way he talks to you does not sound like love to me. You need to try to find a ground to walk on where it will take you away from this abuse. I understand that maybe he has hit a few walls and his financial situation isn’t where he wants it but that is zero excuse for him to take his frustrations out on you. You ask is there repairing this? Many times there is no way. There is so much that needs to happen for there to be any hope of saving something here. He needs individual counseling and relationship counseling with you. He needs to want to find healing for him self and needs time to express his pains to a professional. You need to be able to express how you feel and not be criticized, not be talked down to and not be yelled at. You need a freedom for yourself that it doesn’t seem he is giving. Don’t mislead yourself, at this stage you both need help, you need to heal in order to ever forgive or accept him in a healthy way, and of course only after a lengthy time period of him being receptive and following through with help. Until then, you need to love self more, you need to live for self more and you need to communicate the healthy reasons for your decisions. In order to get more, you should be more. Please keep me posted. Wishing the best for you.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Dear Mr. Lover Man:
Been in a relationship for last 7 years. He's not the person I met anymore. Any suggestions?
Before you answer, let me give you a little more background. We have two kids together. Were engaged but have called that off. .
We met while I was in college and it was magnetic. I thought I had finally found my soul mate. We both like the same types of movies, TV shows, music; he even watches Japanimations. Shortly, after being together for a year and having our first child I found out he was cheating on me. Needless to say, I packed up my baby and moved out. We broke up for about a month and the whole time he called me and said, "Baby, I'm so sorry. Please give me another chance." I finally broke down and talked to him. He convinced me that we could fix this and move forward with our lives as a family and promised never to do it again.
Just after the birth of our second child, I started getting the feeling that something was wrong just as it was before. I'd find earrings (I don't have pierced ears), clothing that wasn't mine would be tucked into different places. My neighbors informed me that they saw him coming and going with another woman. When I confronted him about it, he made it seem as though I was being insecure and that the neighbors only saw him with a female relative. Once I got my hands on some proof of his affair. He told me the woman was nothing more then a friend and that he would end all communications with her.
In June, I found out he was still messing around with the same woman. I got an e-mail basically telling me that I was messing up there situation and that I should leave him alone because he'd moved on. I was floored. We ended our engagement and I moved out. Now he's telling me that he's so sorry and to forgive and give him another chance. Same thing I heard last time. He's cheated twice and brought a baby home after one of the affairs. I don't really feel that same about him as I did before and I'm not sure if it’s because I'm over the time I wasted or what. I still love him that much I know but not as much as I use to. I don't know what to do. Please help
THANKS for the advice. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The "he's not the person he used to be" statement is usually true for everyone. Time changes and so do people.. At Times we can grow apart and at times we get past the courting period, that wonderful time in the first year where everything is beautiful and we see nothing but good or show nothing but good. Then these others parts of people tend to surface and we feel different. There is obvious a lot of reasons why not to be together and I don’t know of any that says you should remain. Having two kids isn't a reason so we can scratch that right off. The fact that he has injected another child outside this relationship and has cheated repeatedly (you only know of what you know) shows that he does not truly value you as the woman you are. The love has obviously lessened and it seems that nothings happening to falling love again. He has not shown you any true action to his “love” for you and his words should not be enough. DO people change? Yes they can, but they only change truly for themselves, not when threatened with losing a partner. That change is usually temporary. If you think you want him back (and I don’t see why) then you need to communicate strongly, ask him where does he stand, if he wants this to work what does he suggest should be done to make it better, you make sure you have suggestions to, ask him what will he do to help make it better and see how valid this is and ask yourself, can you live with it, if you will be happy then try, if not then fly. I say that to offer an option but I have a feeling that if you did take him back this would only repeat again. It is time to move on permanently and be happy. Right now if you're not happy those two wonderful kids won't be. I do wish the best of luck

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Maybe it’s me, I cant seem to get past sex with guys. I am into them until I have sex with them, and no matter how good or bad the sex is I cant seem to stay interested other than that. I am concerned because of the amount of men I find myself with and I give in sexually too fast but I have needs and I’m at a point where I want to be more than sex but I’m not finding how to do that. Please help.
Thank you, The True Vixxxen

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The True Vixxxen”,
Obviously the “I have needs” line is a childish line and one that needs to be thought of when having an array of partners which heightens your risk of STD’s and whatever else you should be aware of. Your inability to see more than sex is most likely due to the fact that you go in head first sexually (no pun intended) and you do not even get a sense of who these men are and once you start sexually over the getting to know phase, more so than not, this doesn’t work. (Not always). Learn to take time to learn someone, do things that are not sexual, take walks, do dinner that doesn’t lead to automatic fluid swapping. Feel good talking about yourself and not just giving your body. Show more of you than the easy lay. This can make one feel devalued or give off the perception of a sense of devaluing (whether true or not). You will be surprised how much fun and interesting it is to learn more than bedroom tricks one can be. There is more to you as well, show that. Be more than the moment, be safe, live life. Enjoy different aspects and I promise you will enjoy sex more so than you even do now. I wish the best for you, please keep me posted on your first “learning” date.

Dear Mr. Lover Man

My ex boyfriend & i haven't been "official" going on two years now. We mutually ended the relationship b/c of infidelity on both ends. the problem is, we are still having sex and its GOOD sex. At first it really wasn't an issue for me but I’m starting to feel like I’m subjecting myself to a bottomless pit. The whole sex with no commitment thing seemed ok for a while but I’m ashamed that its almost been two years of it. I know I need to move on and put an end to this crap but I don't know how. It's like all he has to do is say the right words and I’m back in between his sheets. I still have love for him but I’m not in love with him at ALL! we've remained friends with benefits but its past time for me to cancel my subscription. - Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Well, it is good that you recognize what the situation is, how you feel and that you need an exit. Sadly, your unwillingness to exit may have to do with you subconsciously hoping more occurs. You may want to only attribute this to good sex but knowing you subjected yourself to a “bottomless pit” and unable to let go may be attributed to how you subconsciously perceived your role in the relationship when it existed. I don’t know how he ever perceived it if sex is the only thing that seems to have survived. Two years of sex with no commitment is behind you, no dwelling on that unless you are using it as a tool to move on. The infidelities on both ends that led to this demise of something more than just sex are clear signs that in some form, this was always just sex, occasionally other things I’m sure but not over all. You have to really want something more for yourself, you have to see more for yourself and believe in more for yourself in order to begin to detach. You play a role in this. How you value yourself will determine your true willingness to exit. You are in control more than you think. Good luck and please let me know what happens.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am having a few issues with the way I relate to females, or maybe the way they relate to me. I have mostly male friends and things have always been cool between us. We can talk about anything and they feel comfortable asking my opinion about females and any other subject. I am not a tomboy, I am very feminine & straight.
Over time I have had difficulties maintaining a relationship with a female. I have a few females in my life right now that I do lunch or dinner with. I have been in their weddings, coordinated baby showers & parties, shopping, etc. We confide in each other and it helps me to get the female perspective of life.
The problem is over the course of my entire life, some females have made me feel out of place. I am a very laid back person, I try to be a friend to everyone and I don't envy what anyone else has. I have my own style and a happy- go-lucky personality. Unfortunately, over time I have had to "shit-list" a few female friends for things such as trying to sleep with a significant other to putting me down unnecessarily. Recently at my job, I have has trouble out of unsolicited negative comments between female co-workers about me. These are people that I have always been friendly to, helped with work, trained and tied to be a friend to. I am dumbfounded by their behavior. I have gone around & around in my mind to find out why they really dislike me behind the scenes. I don't have a lot of money nor do I drive the finest car. But I am blessed, I carry myself like a professional and can't imagine what the problem could be. I would apologize if I knew.
What do you think?
Thanks, Adrienne

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Adrienne,This is really not a fun situation to be in. Women can be very competitive with one another, I see it daily. From sneers to the woman walking in expensive or bold shoes to the rolling eyes at the female passing by with obvious confidence. Without these women even being known to the sneering party, it happens daily. I couldn’t give an exact reason to how this continuously happens throughout your life and how you cant find more female confidants. I do think that in all situations, everyone plays a role and maybe what you don’t see is that because this has happened to you so long you’re guarded with females or give off a new vibe you don’t notice, almost like a subconscious preparation for this welcoming. This may be what women see now (not saying definite). One can’t alter how others are but one can only focus on self and hope that’s enough. Other peoples jealousies or insecurities can lead to this but consider maybe you are playing a small role here. I really hope the very best for you and would love to hear that this has changed in time.