Sunday, May 22, 2011

HAVE THEY CHANGED OR HAVE THEY REVEALED THEIR TRUE SELF?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have been with this guy for 3 months and things have already changed. At first he was into me, chasing me and once we became intimate, he hasn’t shown the same interest. Is it something I did wrong? Is my performance something I should be concerned with or is he cheating?
Please give me something I can work with. Thank you “Myra”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Myra”,
This sudden change may have actually been a gradual change you chose to subconsciously ignore. Often it is gradual, and even in situations when it is “all of a sudden”, the reasons are not clear at first. What is missing here is any indication that there was an attempt to communicate and walk through the relationship. There will be no answers without communication. Instead of speculating and trying to mislead self into putting pieces together that may not fit, you must address him and honestly impress upon him your position. It is imperative that he knows how you feel in a mature manner.
Nonetheless, the problem appears to have to do with the lust stage. He kicked in with lust leading as he chased the prize until he achieved his goal. Men are visual creatures and often walk forward with their eyes leading and that may have been what made him chase you, however, you must give him something worth more than what his eyes see, and that is YOU. If this is going to work, you both are going to have to sit down and make it clear what both of your positions are in this relationship and express how the neglect and sudden change is making you feel. He may be going through something he is uncomfortable talking about. Never make assumptions without communication. Good luck and please keep me posted.






Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How genuine are compliments men make? It seems that as time continues, they stop complimenting. Is it that it was game or are they not caring enough? This is why women cheat. There will be another man who will compliment women with no problem. What causes these changes?
Thank you. “It is what it is”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “It is what it is”,
Every situation should be looked at as an individual situation. I don’t know how genuine your man or men you dealt with are as I do not know them personally but I’ll say something that should shed some light. Men stop complimenting because they have either been conditioned to do so by being with women that did not address this and/or because of the idiotic belief that it is not important as it once was because you are together, so that should say something.
Life happens as relationships evolve; it is great to set a tone by giving compliments as well and or asking for his opinion to how certain things look on you. Communicate with him and ask him about the disintegrating compliments that once were. Many times men do not intentionally decide to not compliment you, but they are known to fall into this way of being. It can change with communication. You can also make a game out of it. With every time he compliments you, show your appreciation, sot of like a treat. You can whisper something sexual in his ear in appreciation or you can express how much it means to you. This is not a lost cause and a great way to make it happen is to say something about it. As for this being a reason to cheat, that’s just plain stupid and idiotic. There is no valid reason to cheat, if you feel the urge to unfaithfully open your legs, be an adult and leave the present situation. People who make excuses to cheat are really searching for reason to cheat because at some point, that’s who they are. For the record, if someone else complimenting you opens your legs, you have just expressed your self-value. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Sorry this is so long!!!! I am going through a missed miscarriage and right now if hell really is a place then that is where I am. My husband has left me for another woman but says it’s not just that reason, it’s because he feels we can't fix us & he had become unhappy but didn't say anything!!! Now I have miscarried our baby!
I'll start from the beginning..... I'm 28 & my husband is 29 (with a huge issue about being 30!! which I just don't get) But Xmas just gone my husband of 2 years and partner of 6 cheated on me with someone from his work, I worked with him many years ago, we got together about a yr after I left but I know of this other person and she has done this many times before and doesn't mind hurting others around her to get a man she wants!!!
When I found out which was by me guessing as he was acting differently, I forgave him as I could see we had drifted apart and he isn't one for talking about his feelings (what man is!) plus he has always been a bit insecure about how much I love him (another reason I love him!!)
He had made a very stupid drunken mistake and was so sad and truly sorry for it, plus they did stuff but didn't have sex at this time and still to this day I believe him. But even if they had I still would have forgiven him as it was a wakeup call to work at our marriage.
After this, things were back on track with us & we carried on planning our lives together, talking about the day we have kids! I had no concerns that we weren't getting stronger. But at the beginning of March he said he needed space and went back to his mum and dad’s, I tried really hard to give him this but panic set in and I would leave it a day or two and then one of us would text, normally him to me but once or twice I made the first move or I would reply pretty much straight away. Anyway when we would meet up to talk he kept saying he couldn't come back as he couldn't see us working and I would try so hard to convince him that we could if only he gave me the chance to show him but he just wouldn't give in!
I found this very bizarre as I know I've always been his world and something didn't add up. This went on for weeks like this and at the end of March we broke up, I couldn't accept it but had no choice, he would have let me think it was due to me being selfish and us drifting apart but I knew there was something else and then came the truth....
He'd been seeing this work colleague that he'd cheated on me at xmas with!!! I think in his head he believes his lie that the reason we didn't work was because we drifted and that’s how he kind of lives and does what he is doing as cheating has always been against his believes! He comes from a very strong Christian up-bringing. But he said he was convinced I didn't love him anymore!!!!
His now started to get feelings for this person, thinks he loves her (after 6 or 7 weeks) personally I believe this is lust and that’s all and because everyone is telling him to step away from the situation he won't. So it seems he jumped from married to me to with her and was not stopping!! What hurts the most is the fact that he isn't and hasn't ever been this kinda guy! 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, it wasn't how I had planned being pregnant in my head but if we hadn't of broken up it would have all been perfect, as it was also our 2 year wedding anniversary (what better present to give my husband, our first baby)
I was happy, I kept it to myself for the first 2 weeks, as it was all mine! Even though my heart was breaking, part of me still felt happy! I told my husband the news & he cried & said this was the last situation he wanted to be in, but it changed everything! Not quite how I'd imagined the response when I had planned this moment in my head a 1000 times, over the past 2 years.
I said me being pregnant made no difference to us, he had decided he didn't want to be with me and I would never stop him seeing or being there for our baby. I went away for a long weekend that we were due to go on together for our 2nd wedding anniversary but I went with my sister and when I returned I found out he had been away with this other person!! On our wedding anniversary!!! I'd asked him before not to spend it with her, but he did!!! He said he booked to go away before I'd said I was pregnant (but it was still our wedding anniversary!) it’s like he is doing as much damage as possible to push me away but then says he doesn't want me to hate him!!!
When I returned I saw him and we chatted and I felt a little strong and he said he wanted his wife back!!!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing, he said that he loved me & didn't want to run anymore into this false life he had created and he sobbed for many hours about the bad thing he had done, he said he was in a bubble and felt safe and it wasn't a real life but he had convinced himself we couldn't get us back after what he did as he had broken us. But he saw how much I loved him and was willing to give it a go. He said he would do whatever it took. We spoke for hours and even laughed at how he had been so foolish and that we would get through this and he seemed strong and like the person I know and everyone else knows. He went home told his mum and dad and then saw this other woman and told her but I spoke to him that night on the phone and he sounded exhausted!!! I had my doubts he had told her!!


I was correct to think that and the next day he text asking to see me to Talk!!!! I thought, surely he can't change his mind!!! BUT yes he could, he came in and said I don’t think I can do this, we spoke for about 5 minutes, I was obviously angry and upset and he hates seeing me like that and feels like that is why he doesn’t want to talk to me when I’m like that.
I hammered him for about 2 minutes just saying why are you doing this, is it only because I’m pregnant and he seemed upset again, then I said this is because you don't think I should forgive you and that you hate yourself and think everyone else should hate you, I then pushed this and he said how can I forgive him for what his done, it’s so bad and then I said you feel your worthless and this goes back way before me and then he just sat there and cried. I looked him in the eyes and said tell me all what you said yesterday was untrue and that you don't love me.... he cried and said you know it was the truth and I said why, why are you doing this then and he just cried and seemed broken.
It broke my heart to see him so hurt, confused and broken. No one deserves that, not even him! I know your probably thinking I am some raving loon but I'm not and I’m not in some kind of denial either. I just care about him, his my best friend and has been for about 10 years but I know that was the person everyone knows. We spoke for many hours again and he seemed more convinced this time that he did want this and said he would leave his job and we sat there discussed things that we can do to make us happy.
That night he stayed till really late just holding me, kissing my head and saying how very sorry he was and was tearful. I know in my heart we can get through this and yes he has mucked up a few times but over 6 years his proven to me he is a good person, so I will hang on to that and not the mistakes his made over the last few months!!!
I said I really hoped he woke up the next morning and still wanted all this and he promised that he would (as sometimes I feel like he sleeps and changes over night!!) next day, he called in sick as he couldn't face work and was so tired. He saw his dad and told him how we were gonna make a go of it and this was what he wanted with a shadow of a doubt and he txt his mum, as she was away and said the same to her and asked for help as he couldn't do it on his own.
Then he saw this other woman again to tell her he was making a go of it with me, it broke my heart that he had told her I was pregnant as it wasn't for her to know and made me feel sick that another woman would say she was ok with me being pregnant but still wanted him!! But least she knew the full truth. I dunno what was said between them, he saw her for a few hours then came over to see me.....
By this point he now seemed distant again and like a stranger, it’s like there is 2 people! The man we all know which I would trust with my life and this other person who's had an affair that no-one recognizes anymore. He said he couldn't do it and felt he had feelings for her and was falling in love with her!!! I got upset as I could not believe what I was hearing; he was only saying all what he did as I was pregnant!! which even now, I do not believe as if that was the reason for him coming back he would of been talking about it but all he was talking about was happy memory’s we had and what we can do to get us back to being happy!!!! Never mentioned the baby just all the things we used to love doing and that we were going to do
I wasn't in denial but I do know him and said I don't believe him, I think he was scared that we won't get back to happiness and she had a hold on him but by now the wall he has built was back up!! Because we spoke till so late into the night, I stayed at our house with him, it wasn't ideal but I am so glad I did. I asked him to lay on the bed with me, he was very reluctant to do this but part of me hated him for doing this and another part of me loves him so much and wanted to hold him as he seemed so scared and confused!
I don't really think he knows what he wants and who he is anymore as he would never want to do what he has (his always been one of the good guys) I said my tummy hurt and he rubbed my back as I tried to sleep but I pulled his arm round to my tummy and said do you realize you have your wife carrying your child in your arms right now and then I fell asleep.
In the morning I was angry and he was distant again, as I couldn't deal with the fact he was carrying on seeing this other person and she was allowing him to, knowing all the facts... what kind of woman does that and says stay with me! I said to my husband that we will talk in a few weeks but I will keep him updated with all my appts for the baby so he can be there as that’s what he wanted and I would never take it away from him. I went to work and can only have been there and I went to work tired and upset.
I went to make a cup of tea and a pain went through my body like never before and was not stopping, I called my doctor who said go straight to A&E. When I got there they rushed me through and put me into a room on my own, a friend had called my husband at work and told him what had happened, he rushed to be with me but the hospital said he could come through later as they needed to see what was happening with me and the baby, but after 6 hours of waiting, scans and many blood tests they told me there was no heart beat and the baby had died! I can't even describe what I felt at that point, they said this does happen and explained to me all about how this happens.
I then had to tell my husband I had lost our baby, he was very sad and feels to blame, and I said the doctor said it wasn't down to him but it's a sad & cruel thing that happens in this world. I didn't really want to him and was pretty nasty to him, so I didn't explain to him what to expect with a missed miscarriage. I wanted him to stay with me through the night just for the next few nights as I'm scared and it hurts! But he said to me he can't, he said he can be there for me but only so much!!! And would be back the next day for my hospital appt!
He had told the other woman I'd lost our baby which made me so angry as I explained to him she would have been glad that we had lost our baby and that’s makes me sick! When he left me that night I called him and got upset and asked if he thought it was some kind of betrayal to her I he stayed and he said YES!!!! I then txt him saying if he ever cared or was a man he would have stayed even if he couldn't lie on a bed with the woman who was carrying his child then he would sleep downstairs as this out ways EVERYTHING! He txt me saying he wanted to be there but not through the night as I would cling to this!! I could tell this isn't him talking as it's not his words.
I saw him the next day and I just went on about how he could do this and I did go on quite a lot but I still working off my emotions of being hurt and betrayed again I guess and still having pregnant hormones! In the end he left and went to his parents to tell them the news that I miscarried our baby. I spoke to him that night and asked him NOT to go to this other woman’s house in honor to our baby but he did and it makes me feel proper sick that he would do that while leaving me to grieve. Then Friday I got a txt saying how am I, and sorry for being off with me on the phone, I replied saying I wasn't good and how was he but heard nothing back!
later that evening I txt and said is he not going to call or see me and he said he couldn't see me at the moment and sorry if i think that’s harsh!!!! I find it sick and harsh but I can only count all of this down to grieving or guilt or his having some kind of breakdown but I can't seem to pull him through this and while he destroys himself his taking me down with him and I can't step away as my heart won't let me!!! We move out of our house at the end of next week and then I have NO connection with him anymore and I don't know what to do!!
His mum told the night he went there he broke down and sobbed for hours and said how very sorry he was for what he has done and how he has hurt them, how he blames himself for what has happened, which I don’t want as it’s not. His mum said he was broken, he said he couldn’t convince me that we were over but his mum tried to explain he can't because he hasn't and still isn't dealing with his marriage but is carrying on.
Now I have told you everything and you have probably nodded off or feel you have lost the will to even reply but please Mr. Lover Man give me some advice other than... walk away as I deserve better, he has to make his mind up, he has always been a little insecure and questioned that his a somebody in this life but I feel he doesn't realize we make ourselves a somebody, no one else does that for us!! It’s not just that when you get with someone they make you feel untouchable and amazing; we can all do that on our own!
Imagine your closest best friend in the world who is not nasty in any way but all of a sudden just changes but you know this isn't who they are.... what can I do??? I can't give up on him or my marriage as I love him too much and something is telling me to stick this out!!!
I look forward to hearing from you “The girl who believes in Love”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The girl who believes in Love”,
My answer will not match the length of your situation but I hope it delivers some well needed truth. I am very sorry for your lost and wish you a healthy future and hoping you recover well. Sadly, you have misled yourself much more so than he has. Through your entire email, you have continuously expressed what you felt he thought or you think he is like or how he really isn’t any of the things he continuously shows that he is. I wish I can offer up a magic elixir to make this the way you want but the reality is that I can’t. At this point (maybe not originally) you are as much to blame for your new heartache as he is.
He continues to sleep around and professes on more than one occasion his falling in love with another woman, which in a very insecure fashion, you immediately inject that you know its lust and not love. This said to comfort yourself and hold on to someone that does not want to be held on by you. You have continued to mislead yourself and it is not healthy for you. You do not wish to move on, you may think you do not know how to but everyone can move on. You don’t want to.
It takes two people to make a marriage work and you can’t fight for someone that does not wish to be fought for. He has chosen where he wants to be. People change as life happens and you wishing him to be exactly as he was or the situation was years ago will not happen. You have to come to terms with present day events and understand that he is not the happy go lucky nice guy you want him to always be. He has slept around and even given his heart to another. He has repeatedly gone back and forth and when you needed him most, he couldn’t give his all. He even expressed he couldn’t and yet, you mislead yourself to believe in something that isn’t and you need to let this one go.
You should consider seeking professional help as this has taken a toll on you and it will help in your transition in life. I can’t give you the response you want but only what I feel is the response you need. You have lost too much and this has taken a toll on you. This is the time to put yourself first and step forward for you. He cannot do that with you because he has chosen not to, you need to stand up and step forward without turning around. I wish you the best; please consider reaching out to a professional that can help with the transition. Good luck and please keep me posted.

READ MORE »

Thursday, May 12, 2011

THE ATTRACTION TO THE MARRIED MAN/WOMAN

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My best friend seems to only date men that are attached. What’s her deal? She says she doesn’t mind being the one on the side but isn’t that sort of like stepping backwards? What is your take on this? She knows I’m sending this so please answer. Thank you from Janice.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Janice”,
There are many issues with this type of behavior and it could be one of many or a few of many. People tend to venture out to the “forbidden” property to boost their already low esteem. At times this is a false sense of accomplishment and other times, a bad breakup which brings fear to settle but still a need to be touched or feeling alone has rendered the individual to accept being an object of sex and nothing more. In many reasons it is an action that equals how they subconsciously feel about themselves. There are people that do it because they are greedy and selfish and are never satisfied with what they have and only seem to seek out for what others have and that spills into other people’s relationships as well.
Like a said, there could be a series of reasons, however, none are good and none are justified. If you wish to only deal with someone for sex, do it with single people. It is wrong and disrespectful to someone’s partner for you to inject your easily spread goods (or not so goods) because of one of the previously mentioned reasons. There comes a time in life when people need to be mature enough to think about others. This would be one of those times. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Mr. Lover Man what makes a man only seek married or attached women? Then act like a 2 year old when the married or attached women won’t be his beck and call? Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
As people our common flaw is at one point we have all been attracted to someone or something we cannot have. If we go as far back as the story of Adam and Eve, you clearly see how Eve did what she shouldn’t, to have what wasn’t hers. It’s a common story throughout the course of time. I do admit that I can understand but do not promote. I do advocate monogamy, however, to each is own. Promise and commitment deserves respect in any form of life, most importantly in a relationship. The man you speak about has issues, and there could be many reasons why he seeks out the married woman. There is a perverted sense of accomplishment that the man feels when he engages sexually with the married woman. The reason they may act childish when rejected is because they are childish. Some men (people in general) tend to share this sentiment when it comes to rejection. People value the moment too much and do not realize that one moment is just that, one moment. You can appreciate it but live to make more of them. They hold on too much to rejection and it is pathetic. There could be various reasons but I’m sure they lie above. Thank you for the question.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I met this girl and I’m really feeling her. The problem is I’m not used to settling down. I always did the married woman thing and also did the next man’s girl thing. I’m used to that player life, you feel me? And now I met this one girl that kinda got me ready to step up but it’s hard to stop having fun. What would you do? Thanks. Player P.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Player P”,
Asking me what I would do makes no sense in this question because I’m not a “player” of any sort. However, I’ll speak on the surrounding issues here. I want to begin by saying that your reluctance to settle is a huge sign that you are not ready to move forward. Take your time. There is someone else’s emotion on the line and you have no right to play games with it. As for your proud “player” moment, I think you need to learn to search more of yourself as an individual. Your fear or unwillingness to settle down should be addressed. I’m not saying you should go settle down, but I am saying that you should search as to what causes this feeling to stay away from that. You may have thoughts of settling down because she is different in some fashion but if you met her under the “she belongs to someone else” thing, you really need to think that out before you get played “player”. I don’t promote your lifestyle and the way you glorify it is almost disheartening. If you feel you don’t want to settle down, then deal with someone who mutually only wants to engage on the same level without a third party victim who shouldn’t be living this unwillingly. You have to take a step forward in the maturity factor. Start with time seeking within. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a college student and my major is social work and in almost every class that brings up the subject of relationship, there is always numbers about married couples cheating. If I get married, how can I guarantee myself to prevent being one of those numbers? Sincerely, College Girl.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “College Girl”,
There are no guarantees. I know that is not the answer you wanted and anyone that says different is full of themselves to even pretend they can guarantee it. One can enhance ones chances on keeping a mutually respected and loyal relationship by communication, trust and honesty. The other components follow but those three are the most vital in any relationship, especially a marriage. Numbers are good in school and in postings but in real life, it’s about the individual. You have to be the best you and encourage your partner to be the best them. You must lead by example but be willing to also be a student at times. Life is not about those numbers. If you let them consume you, they can become your reality, you choose to be an individual and you are already ahead of the pack. Good luck and keep me posted.
READ MORE »

Saturday, May 7, 2011

MOTHERS DAY IS LOVE

Once a year men and women alike take a moment to do something celebratory and honor mothers abroad. Even some of the most despicable men & women park their lameness to the side for a day, then Monday comes.. We all jump in saying “Mothers Day should be everyday” but never act like it is. People post pictures of their mom and promise to always make her proud and yet, they forget that by Tuesday. You know your mother wants the best for you, so why not honor her by doing the absolute best you can in your world and be the greatest success you possibly can? Oh wait, that can’t be done in only one day a year..



I see you standing there on the grocery line with a child in your hands, a stroller in the other and about to find a way to carry bags. A feat often overlooked and before I offer help, I can only admire and honor such strength. I see you walking past hecklers and lames that have the audacity to try to hit on you while engaging with your child.


I see your tears before they fall and I see the smiles that children place on your face and although I don’t know you, I smile to let you know that I honor you. I see the hard work and the way some men’s lack of progression has challenged you. I honor how you accept the challenge and overcome.


I look back at old pictures and wonder… could there ever been a woman more beautiful. I think not. Some stories are never told and some have a deeper meaning. I know of the adversity you faced, the unfair treatment you received from those close to you, yet you never let that interfere with how you mothered us. Your smile was unmatched and every picture we are in, you somehow make me feel like the star of it when in reality, I am a star because you are the universe that birthed me.




I could not imagine life without you. The walks through parks, the smiles, the way you interacted with me during cartoons made me forget the age difference. The days you held me and those times you said you were proud of me, secretly, I lived for those moments.


Differences injected in our worlds as different phases of life came and I felt like I stopped making you proud, yet, you never took a single step away from me and at that time I couldn’t understand why. I became a nightmare, running amok, fist fights, late nights and women. Yet, you never took a step away.

"When I was unspoken, denied words

You remained by my side
A mother’s love not unheard
When backs was turned
Your hand touched mine
Reminded me of a time
When I was no older then 9
I needed your hand
To be your little man
To be loved
Distance couldn’t take the place
You gave with grace"



Only then did I begin to appreciate and learn love on a higher level. When so many disappeared, you never turned away, not even for a second and I then second guessed who I was. I wondered where I was headed and why did it take so much for me to figure it out, yet, you still remained, arms open as if nothing was wrong and everything would be alright.


Change only happens if the individual is willing to make those changes for the self and Lord knows I wanted these changes for me, but it would be a lie if I didn’t admit it was also for you. I long for moments lost in phases but I can no longer be 7 years old. I continue to be a great man, the best Dad and most loving partner I can and this is rooted from you and Dad. I remember every detail and even when I slipped away, I never let go.


Thankfully I am a great man; I have done what so many in my shoes couldn’t. I have defied odds that were told to be impossible and have made love infectious in my world. I am a father unlike any, I have denied the stereotype and the societal norm to raise my son and have allowed him to be expressive. I am better because of my childhood and he will be better because of it too.


Times have changed and we have settled into a new situation. We are all adults with our own opinions and life experiences and when people from yesterday ask me about or commend me for the accomplishments I have made, I can’t help but think of you and Dad. The root is what made me and it is what will make my son great.
Everything I am comes from everything you are, I honor and love you Mom and all mothers abroad.

"The wind blows

As the breeze gives serenity
So does your smile
Just the same as a spring day
Ice cream cones are pale
To the cheek touches from your finger tips
Mommy’s little boy"
READ MORE »
 
© 2010 ASKMRLOVERMAN.BLOGSPOT.COM | ALL RIGHTS RESERVED | DESIGN BY SO GLOSSY