Thursday, May 12, 2011

THE ATTRACTION TO THE MARRIED MAN/WOMAN

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My best friend seems to only date men that are attached. What’s her deal? She says she doesn’t mind being the one on the side but isn’t that sort of like stepping backwards? What is your take on this? She knows I’m sending this so please answer. Thank you from Janice.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Janice”,
There are many issues with this type of behavior and it could be one of many or a few of many. People tend to venture out to the “forbidden” property to boost their already low esteem. At times this is a false sense of accomplishment and other times, a bad breakup which brings fear to settle but still a need to be touched or feeling alone has rendered the individual to accept being an object of sex and nothing more. In many reasons it is an action that equals how they subconsciously feel about themselves. There are people that do it because they are greedy and selfish and are never satisfied with what they have and only seem to seek out for what others have and that spills into other people’s relationships as well.
Like a said, there could be a series of reasons, however, none are good and none are justified. If you wish to only deal with someone for sex, do it with single people. It is wrong and disrespectful to someone’s partner for you to inject your easily spread goods (or not so goods) because of one of the previously mentioned reasons. There comes a time in life when people need to be mature enough to think about others. This would be one of those times. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Mr. Lover Man what makes a man only seek married or attached women? Then act like a 2 year old when the married or attached women won’t be his beck and call? Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
As people our common flaw is at one point we have all been attracted to someone or something we cannot have. If we go as far back as the story of Adam and Eve, you clearly see how Eve did what she shouldn’t, to have what wasn’t hers. It’s a common story throughout the course of time. I do admit that I can understand but do not promote. I do advocate monogamy, however, to each is own. Promise and commitment deserves respect in any form of life, most importantly in a relationship. The man you speak about has issues, and there could be many reasons why he seeks out the married woman. There is a perverted sense of accomplishment that the man feels when he engages sexually with the married woman. The reason they may act childish when rejected is because they are childish. Some men (people in general) tend to share this sentiment when it comes to rejection. People value the moment too much and do not realize that one moment is just that, one moment. You can appreciate it but live to make more of them. They hold on too much to rejection and it is pathetic. There could be various reasons but I’m sure they lie above. Thank you for the question.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I met this girl and I’m really feeling her. The problem is I’m not used to settling down. I always did the married woman thing and also did the next man’s girl thing. I’m used to that player life, you feel me? And now I met this one girl that kinda got me ready to step up but it’s hard to stop having fun. What would you do? Thanks. Player P.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Player P”,
Asking me what I would do makes no sense in this question because I’m not a “player” of any sort. However, I’ll speak on the surrounding issues here. I want to begin by saying that your reluctance to settle is a huge sign that you are not ready to move forward. Take your time. There is someone else’s emotion on the line and you have no right to play games with it. As for your proud “player” moment, I think you need to learn to search more of yourself as an individual. Your fear or unwillingness to settle down should be addressed. I’m not saying you should go settle down, but I am saying that you should search as to what causes this feeling to stay away from that. You may have thoughts of settling down because she is different in some fashion but if you met her under the “she belongs to someone else” thing, you really need to think that out before you get played “player”. I don’t promote your lifestyle and the way you glorify it is almost disheartening. If you feel you don’t want to settle down, then deal with someone who mutually only wants to engage on the same level without a third party victim who shouldn’t be living this unwillingly. You have to take a step forward in the maturity factor. Start with time seeking within. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a college student and my major is social work and in almost every class that brings up the subject of relationship, there is always numbers about married couples cheating. If I get married, how can I guarantee myself to prevent being one of those numbers? Sincerely, College Girl.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “College Girl”,
There are no guarantees. I know that is not the answer you wanted and anyone that says different is full of themselves to even pretend they can guarantee it. One can enhance ones chances on keeping a mutually respected and loyal relationship by communication, trust and honesty. The other components follow but those three are the most vital in any relationship, especially a marriage. Numbers are good in school and in postings but in real life, it’s about the individual. You have to be the best you and encourage your partner to be the best them. You must lead by example but be willing to also be a student at times. Life is not about those numbers. If you let them consume you, they can become your reality, you choose to be an individual and you are already ahead of the pack. Good luck and keep me posted.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello, respectfully, I totally disagree with the Low Selfesteem issue due to dating a married person. I date a married man and would be / AM upset that he wants to leave his marriage and be with me exclusively. The man that I Love is in prison and we will be resume our relationship when he gets home. Most of the men i meet want more than friendship with me and SEX isn't involved, just plenty of laughs, talking ang good companionship. so, since i run into this situation too often, its easier, well thought it was easier to I have NO Self Esteem Issues, I know that being NOT the right thing to do, however it works for my situation.

ASK MR. LOVER MAN said...

There is always an exception to the rule.. With that being said, self esteem has played the part in these type of situations many times. There are many reasons, one could be selfishness, self destruct behavioral or dozens of others. Some use convienence as a crutch and disregard others peoples feelings because of their selfish ways. There really are many reasons. I can't debate yours because there are far too many to pinpoint but mine explained are valid because they exist more common in that situation than not.
I appreciate your comment.

Anonymous said...

I have read several articles about "women who choose date married men", and those women or having low self esteem. In several cases, this may be true. However, there is a side to this type of relationship that people don't look at. "Selfishness" definitely has a part to play in these type of relationships, but another aspect that has yet to be explored, is knowing this person is taken, and that the married man "will never commit to you", and being OK with this fact. You may ask the question "Why would someone be OK with knowing that the married man "will never commit", will "never" leave their wife for them? The reason is because, when you know what situation you allow yourself to be in, you are fully aware of the repercussion; For example, you know you will never get to spend time with your "lover" on the major holidays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, etc. Because the wife/husband/family, has top priority. You get to see your "lover" the day before or after the holiday. The more "understanding", you are about these facts, the more that married person is willing to compensate you for the time spent away. (Usually Financially). There is also the fact that you have to be "careful", because if the wife finds out, "The Gig is Up", which means no "compensation", so you will do whatever it takes to keep the wife from knowing as well, so that you can continue reaping whatever benefits you are receiving. Women who date married men know that there is a woman involved, so they fell like they have the "power"in the relationship because "forewarned is forearmed" you have the ability to put the "emotional wall" up early on, vs being with someone who tells you that they are single, and have no children, only to find out 6 months, or two years into the relationship that there is a wife, 2 kids, a house, and a dog named Max. As long as the other woman does not let her "emotional wall" down, (the other woman usually does), she can get that married man to give her whatever she wants, and when he doesn't, the "I'm gonna tell your wife" threat, usually puts the "man" back into submission. Meanwhile, the real victim of the situation,(the wife)is committed to keeping the marriage together, although she knows something is going on, she just can't prove it, the husband starts off thinking he gonna "have his cake and eat it too", but in the end, he is getting slowly manipulated, but just doesn't see it, and the "other woman", "mistress", "homewrecker" is reaping the benefits of being the "other woman", "mistress", "homewrecker", etc. And if the husband is not careful, he will fall for the manipulation tactics of the mistress, because she listens to him, is so, understanding, she does things sexually his wife doesn't do, and eventually the husband will be packing his bags. This does not commonly happen, but remember, there is "always" an exception to the rules. So in lay man's terms. When someone steps out of a committed relationship, no matter what the reason, understand that the person you choose to cheat with, may not be the desperate, lonely, low self esteem having victim at all, she may have a hidden agenda, and will keep up the facade to get whatever she wants, for as long as she wants. Is losing your family worth it? I think not.

ASK MR. LOVER MAN said...

This makes the women who commit these acts even more disgusting and pathetic that they would go through these lengths for power and minor financial compensations. Its truly pathetic to engage willingly for every party while there is an innocent victim.

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