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Dear Mr. Lover man,
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sarah Not Smiling”,
If I could shake some sense into you I would. There is so much going wrong here and you have fueled it. Let me explain, you have an insensitive idiot for a boyfriend who only came clean because you caught him. Had you not caught him, he surely would be sexing others, and probably had emotions for them, if he doesn’t already. Your willingness to try to fix it is cute but not wise. You can not use love as an excuse for allowing this idiot to run all over you. You have assisted him in diminishing your worth. He does NOT respect you and I doubt he loves you. You are convenient because you accept things. With the way STD’s run rampant, I can’t believe you are accepting this. He is showing the same signs and you stumbled across nudes, yet you are willing to use “love conquers all” as a lame excuse to keep you trapped in a situation because of your own insecurities and you acceptance of this abuse. You need to believe that you deserve more, you deserve to experience real love, and you deserve to love yourself a bit more. You want him to see what he has at home? Sad thing is he does because you show him everyday. That’s why he is able to sleep around. Soul mates do not cheat, nor do they take advantage of each other as he does both to you. You need to detach physically in order to heal mentally and emotionally. You need to love yourself much more than accepting this. He takes advantage of your weakness. Be strong enough to love you first, love yourself more and true love will appear. He is not that person. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Ok so I broke my rule about not having sex with friends and I...had sex with a friend lol. We've always been attracted to each other, if I'm honest I'll say it basically the foundation of our friendship. We had sex once; almost a year ago the sex was ok. Neither one of us has ever spoken about that night, nor has he asked for seconds. When we talk there's no flirting, and when we hold long conversations it's like he's talking to anybody not like we once shared a night together. It drives me crazy!! I want him to come back for more, I want him to want me and it drives me crazy that he doesn't. My question is should I ask him why we never got together again- at this point it's not even that I want to, I just want to know why.
Thank you in advance for your response
Signed “Confused”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused”,
Well nothing is ever set in stone but there could be two things going on here. He could be feeding off the fact that you have never spoke about it either. He may be feeling the same exact way as you are and this is holding him back from conversing about this. Then again, there should have been a subtle hint of something, what this is leaning towards is maybe he just wants the friendship with you and nothing more. Yes to the surprise of many, there are men like that. Maybe something about the moment didn’t do it for him. The only way you will know is to communicate this. If this is a good friend that you feel you can discuss this with then you must inject this topic into the conversation. Be honest and open, remember that how you feel isn’t necessarily how he feels. Be willing to see things in more than one way and be happy that you were able to finally get this off your chest. At this point nothing is happening so telling him won’t make it worse. Remind him how much the friendship means to you, reassure him that no matter his feelings that the friendship is priority. Never stifle your true feelings, they are truly yours. Good luck, please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My story is kind of long…..however, here goes. There’s this guy I dated back in high school and we reconnected last year after 19 to 20 years. Well he lived in another state and I did as well. Well our situation started off pretty well. We started talking on the phone, and it was hours of endless conversations. As for me I hadn’t really dated anyone for about 3yrs after been involved for about 4yrs prior. I had been on a date here and there; but most of the guys were looking for nothing more than a good ole fun time and that wasn’t in my plans of getting to know someone. He was married at one point, but divorced after 8yrs and the marriage ended badly. The ex-wife was cheating, and he actually caught her and the guy together. They had a child that he later found out that was not his. Therefore, she lied to him for 9yrs of a child that wasn’t his. Well after being single for about a year he started see another female for which they had a child together…..that relationship didn’t last, it ended shortly after their child was born he left because he expressed to me she showed more interest in her friends rather than in their relationship; in their case there was an age difference (at their time of meeting she was 24 and he was 38). He stated she liked hanging at the club and he would find pictures were guys would be hugging and touching her in places he thought he should only be touching. I express to him those choices he made to be with each individual and those times have passed yet to find in his heart to forgive them; I stated those things because he had somewhat of a bitter side to him because of how these women treated him. I wasn’t trying to change this individual; my initial concept was to offer ways of forgiveness so he could move on with his life. We became close within a short time and I found a cool friendship with this individual, which made me want to get to know him more. Now, as to our encounter, he hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone within a year; but he did have a few friends with benefits, he was honestly in expressing that with me. Therefore, I in turn expressed to him I wasn’t seeing anyone but I would like to see where this could go with us and he agreed. I went to visit him for a weekend get-away and it was great but after the visit he seemed somewhat distance and if you’re pondering, yes we ended up having sex. A note to say we didn’t have sex when I dated him in high school. Our conversations became lesser and him somewhat withdrawn. I became somewhat of a pest to his actions because I asked a mountain of questions to what was going on and if he still had interest in me. Well it distant him more, and I didn’t know I was pushing him that more further away from me. I guess I pushed too far, and rather than talking to me he sent an email expressing that he was dealing with some issues that he, himself needed to sort out but I couldn’t hold off til he dealt with his problems. Therefore, he stated that he hadn’t been talking to many people at the time he was dealing with his issues. I apologized for my pestering actions and stated I apologized if I thought our connection was more than what it was. Well as a few months passed I couldn’t get him out my head so I tried reconnecting with him, and his actions with me were somewhat distantly mean. When I called he would answer but the conversation would be vague and I was trying on every effort to make it a descent conversation but he would just be short and harshly sassy. I would talk about us getting to know each other but he just totally assume I wanted this full flesh relationship yet I was only trying to get to know this person and maybe one day us together find a relationship with each other. I know friendship before relationship is a keep to getting to know someone. However, I found out he would be engaging with others and yet telling me he wasn’t looking for anything and yet he was considering a relationship with one particular person; however, she was giving him the cold shoulder (the same one he was giving me). Well, he stated he had friends with benefits and he still wasn’t looking for anything and I accepted that. Well I invited him on a trip with me and he took the offer and came with me….the trip was nice, but I was still left with no answers to where this left us. He still maintains that he wasn’t looking for anything at the moment, but was engaging with several other women even some very young. Well he lost his job and I have been trying to assist him in finding work and passing his resume to others and networking for him. I know he has nothing in mind for us and I’m not even considered an option as to a relationship. He don’t know that I know about someone he solely dating now for which when the last time we had a conversation as to getting to know each other, he continues to maintain he’s not thinking about anything like that but I know for a fact he’s spending time with this other individual. I keep wondering what was it I don’t or didn’t have to distant him so much from me. I just wanted him to be honest with me and it would have been ok although it would have hurt. Well I’ve made the choice to not contact this person anymore; but he’s told someone I know that he wants us to be friends and he’s not going to tell me about this person he’s seeing because he think it will make him lose all concepts of us being friends….he’s waiting to the right time to tell me. My question is why should I consider this person as a friend, because friends wouldn’t have done what he did?! I really care for this man in more ways than one and I don’t think I can just be his friend; and from his actions I know there may not be any chance for us on his behalf, yet he wants my friendship?!
Signed, “Hurt”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Hurt”,
This is a rough one. Sadly, this guy is playing a game with you. He didn’t have any interest in you that was serious. He showed it until he slept with you. Typical asshole. Your seeking him and caring for him is not who he is, it is who he portrayed before you slept with him. The distant asshole is who he is, the after sex person is who he is. He no longer had to impress you or give you a lot of time because in the asshole way of thinking, he already scored. Now there could have also been that when you went to see him, he didn’t find anything for than a sexual connection and gave you the distant cold shoulder because he isn’t man enough to say he is not into you in such a manner but instead says that he is going through stuff and isn’t looking for anything serious with anyone, yet, he is with someone else. Once again, another asshole excuse. You do not need to engage or indulge in any activity with this individual. A friendship isn’t needed either because he isn’t friend worthy as honesty is a great friendship quality. You need to discontinue contact and heal within. You are more than this situation and you deserve a man who will honor your true worth, however, if you continue to engage in socialization it’s because you have allowed him to determine your worth. Be more than that. God luck, please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Actually I have two questions:
1) Is "I love you" worth accepting if it comes from someone who cheats and has no remorse about it?
2) Can a person be driven, pushed, or made to cheat?
Just want to know your thoughts.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS:
Nothing is worth accepting when a person is cheating and on top of it being a remorseless idiot about it. If someone accepts that, it shows the worth they see of themselves and allows the other person to walk all over them. The person obviously will never respect the weaker person accepting this. As for your second question, the answer is yes and no. Yes someone can feel pressured, pushed and driven to doing it but ultimately the decision is theirs. No matter what it is a decision and not a mistake. It is something thought out and done without care of the other party. Love isn’t present when these acts are going on and no matter what; it is the person’s choice.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Don't know where to start. There's this guy I've being somewhat seeing for 5 1/2 years off and on. We go our own ways and some how keep coming back around. Basically we started to get to know one another 5 years ago and he had just started seeing someone. Basically we started sleeping together and I was cool with the idea and kept doing me. He'd come around with mix feelings and wanted to play the couple game. I was like what are you doing, you have someone. He never responded.
Then he'd go back and forth and say we can't be together when I hadn't asked to be. Long story short, we part for a few months or so and then the same thing. He and his girlfriend have broken up several times. He came to me and told me he was going to get married and I said congrats! He was angry and said that's it?! Tell me how you feel. I told him, you're the one getting married not me and I wouldn't intervene. I did after he left tell him, I thought he was making a mistake 'cause if he was ready, why have you been involved with me while with her? I think she has ties with the family, not to make an excuse. He did not get married and I had my sis check records. She works in civil court. I've been told by some he wants me, but he's not sure how to take me. Basically he's more dominant and I'm not pushy, but not passive. Now he says he wants to say hello and wants a hug. We haven't seen each other in four months. There's been several times he ask me about the future, do I want to get married and so on, but then stops himself. Earlier of the year, I think he wanted me to be pregnant, he kept asking if I was then became mad. Crazy I know. He asked me what I wanted with him earlier. BTW, we've went at one point almost two years without sleeping together, but talking.
My question to you is why does he keep coming around and do he wants anything. He says he's done yet come back. We both do. This has gone on for almost six years. By the way he's younger than I by six years. He's a Scorpio, I've had many! (Lol) Now he's 27 or 28, I'm 34. It just happened.
Thanks. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
There is a lot wrong with this relationship. First thing before I even continue, I want to say that you both have created this situation.. With that bring said I'll begin.. There is hope for our promise of anything ever neutralizing that's worth more than it had ever been. A part of him will never consider you his number one and that's why he can venture elsewhere as far as almost being married. The fact that he seems to always return mostly means its because he knows her won't be rejected there. It never is because a guy realizes that's where he needs to be. When a breakup happens or things are in doubt on one relationship, guys want to feel validated also, they return to where they know they won't be alienated you are the person that always accepts him back no matter what. He is used to that& there’s more comfort or being content than there is promise of love. Those lil games guys plays when they tell you about the next one and want a response from you is to validate his place. Guys always want to know they can return. Its more who than love. Guys don't ever wish to be forgotten. You need to get a clear and concise answer. Don't try to figure him out, straight up ask him on three phone before u even meet up. Meeting up well only repeat the cycle. Nobody wants to meet up for a hug. That is a play on female sentiment that men often do. I say communicate & demand that he puts his expectations on the table. You are worth much more than an almost 6 yr on and off confusion filled sexcapade/dysfunctional friendship. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have a four year old son. His dad and I are not together. When I had the opportunity to move to a new place, I stayed upstate primarily because I wanted my son to have a relationship with his dad. His dad took our breakup very badly--even though he was unwilling to make any changes to prevent it. At the end, the relationship was emotionally abusive even though he doesn't think so. We commute to work together and now he is acting so nasty. I need to move and I am considering a move back to the borough where my family is. I have no other support upstate and there is no public transportation. I want my son to have a good relationship with his dad but I also feel that having some peace of mind is important. I have tried to talk to him but he always brings up the fact that I have dated someone else and the bitterness is relentless. How do I strike a balance between emotional piece and an active dad for my son?
Signed Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Some of the worst situations are when a child is involved. I applaud your effort to sacrifice for the relationship of your son and his father. The relationship carries too much pain to be able to co-exist in a healthy manner at this point. The emotional peace may not be obtainable on his end; this is something you have to accept within. He hasn’t been able to seek that. That does not mean it isn’t possible, it’s just that maybe not enough is being done on both ends to make that a reality. He needs to release his anger in a productive manner and I don’t see that happening anytime soon. At this stage you must make a decision that is best for you and your son. The relationship you have with your son’s father is strained and it concerns me that ultimately how it will affect your son. Remind the father that at this point there is no other important communicating other than being great parents that can co-exist in a healthy fashion for the well being of your son. Communicate your concerns, let him know what you are considering and find out what his stance will be. His relationship with his son is important but there must be common ground. Be firm with your position, your concerns and your possible plans. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Desiree,
Sadly there is a societal pressure that equates employment (amongst other things) as a symbol of manhood. This goes strong in affecting the psyche of the male and often breaks him down. I’m not saying pity this man, but I’m saying that for the entire life of a male, there is an unfair pressure that is supposed to be associated with “man”. He obviously wasn’t strong enough in many eyes to deal with his job lost but all too often I have seen people not want to change professions or accept a lesser role or job and this ruins them in some way. His verbal release to you may have been a lot of negative feelings he felt about himself. He may have taken things you said harsh and not think you understood his losing that job after 15 years probably meant a lot more to him than he expressed. Nonetheless, the ego thing is societal induced. This isn’t something a man chose, it was placed on his lap early in life by parents, teaches and communities. There was gender roles placed since the age of two. Boys weren’t allowed to express the same tears girls were and so on. That doesn’t mean he had to be an asshole about it. Many men accept the role of a good woman that can hold the fort, this man in particular couldn’t get past the silly role he adopted willingly or not.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am asking about the returning ex. I have one who will enter into my life, make it known he just wants to be friends, but then he'll sort of press the relationship issue. Considering the fact that he and I fought a lot when we were together, I just don't know how I feel about getting back together with him. But once I let it be known that I don't think it's a good idea, we'll fight about it and end up not talking...for a while. But we always end up talking again. What do I do? What do you think the basis for the uncertainty is? Is it because he's afraid of how he feels? Thanks, Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
You stand your ground. He isn't clear about his definite position because there lays doubt within. A relationship that carries heavier doubt than certainty will not succeed. This in and out routine becomes the base of why hasn’t and probably never will flourish further for a long period of time. I say that you move forward and do not entertain this any more. I think it’s because he wants too many different things at different times. You don't appear too be a priority full time for him and that concerns me. This seems to be more about convenience. Good luck and please keep me posted.
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To Mr. Lover Man,
My wife has been cheating on me. I caught on to her affair and she is doing so with a married guy, not that this probably matters because she is cheating. She promised that it would never happen again and she continues to cheat with this guy. I see the texts, the calls, the emails, and it’s like she doesn’t care until I’m ready to leave. When I’m ready she cries, flips out and threatens to kill herself. Our two kids need their mother and I don’t want her to kill herself no matter how much I hate her cheating. She keeps saying it though and I don’t know if it’s real or not but she cries and says it. She threatens to leave me and the kids forever if I divorce her. I just want to be happy and I can’t be with her. I am done with this marriage and want to serve her with papers but I’m afraid she will kill herself. All this and she still is sleeping with the married man. What can I do? “Ron”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ron”,
I have learned that no matter how idiotic the threat may seem, you assume it to be real. Sometimes some people do so as a cry for attention or to get their way and sometimes they do it because they mean it. You are not legally qualified to make that determination. You must and I repeat MUST contact a professional about these threats. They cannot hold you from living your life. She made a decision to cheat and sleep around repeatedly with some married guy. You should be forever held hostage because of that disgusting decision. She has an edge on you emotionally and is using that to manipulate and hold you into place and you are allowing this to happen. Yes YOU are allowing this. If she threatens again, contact a hospital, the authorities and have them assist you in placing her somewhere where she can attempt to kill herself. This is not good for the kids and they need a more stable mother in their lives as well as a father who can do without the extra drama. Her cheating ways are also risking exposure to std’s and you should consider that at this point to. It doesn’t seem as if she is ready to give up the cheating and you surely can’t be held against your will, so you need to make some decisions because your kids need a stable environment. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My problem is that my man doesn't want me as much as he used to. He doesn’t show any affection like he used to. He doesn’t show any effort to have sex. Don’t all men want sex?! We used to have sex all the time and maybe he is bored or he found someone else. I try to ask him and he told me there is no one else. His excuse for not being physical with me is the same all the time, which is he is tired. How can someone be too tired to say I love you or too tired to show affection? I cheated on him before but I thought we moved past that. I mean, I made a mistake in the past and we've both decided to move on from that. I'm so confused as to why he's doing this to me. It seems like now that I’m going all out and trying to put all of my effort into our relationship, he isn’t doing it. When I give someone else attention, then he puts all of his effort into not losing me. What else do I need to do? From: Not Enough Loving
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Not Enough Loving”,
There is something apparent here and I think that you need to give it serious consideration. Your cheating is something you claim to have gotten over but his actions show otherwise. Did he ever get the opportunity to express himself and his feelings about being the victim of your cheating ways? Was he able to heal and come to terms with this as a bad decision you made? At times this never happens and the cheater feels since they can move on the victim should too. That’s unfair and not an effective way to perceive it. Another thing I want to touch on is that you did not make a mistake when you cheated. You made a bad selfish decision and you have to own up to that. Saying you made a mistake takes away the fact that you did the wrong thing and also takes away him being the innocent victim. This doesn’t assist in his healing process. His giving attention when you give it to others probably is because it sparks the trauma of you giving sexual attention to someone(s) else and this is why he reacts in such a manner. Communicate with him, allow him a moment to release, accept you made a selfish choice and it wasn’t a mistake and you are sure this is something you never will repeat again. Without communication, all else will fall apart. Good luck and please keep me posted.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unloved and Alone”,
This is one of those situations that I hate to encounter because it is almost like I’m the bearer of bad news. There had to be a point where this was slowly becoming this way. We often choose to ignore it thinking it will turn back around or that it isn’t that serious. Then this situation you are in happens. Married couples do masturbate, sorry if you think that’s going to stop but it won’t, especially with men. What he thinks about is his business when he masturbates and I know you want it to be thoughts of you but that isn’t the likely case with men. However, there are more important issues at hand. The way you are feeling worries me because it doesn’t seem like this is new. I get the sense that this has been going on untreated. There comes a stage where seeing a professional is needed. You need to surface and elevate your self worth. You are still amazing and still wonderful. His lack of expression and love could be that his attention is elsewhere or that things are coming to an end. Sometimes we associate time (13 years) with what we feel we should be at in a relationship and that’s not often the case. Communicate with him please. Express how you feel honestly and what these actions are doing to you. If you want to save this marriage then you are going to have to do so. The messages are definitely not from a friend and are flirtatious. Is he cheating? I can’t say that physically, however, he is definitely wrong for that engaging with those women in such a manner. You have to address how that makes you feel. He can NOT give you self worth, so why let him take it away? You are still you. Seek for that wonderful you and allow it to surface. Good luck and please let me know how things are.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi. I am very confused about where my marriage is. My husband and I have been married 4 years and have two small children. We have been happy together and have a lovely life, no money problems whatsoever. About 6 months ago, we had a debate about something in the Bible regarding the wife submitting to the husband in everything. I told him that is not literal and that different time periods mean different things but he acted very disrespectful toward me. I am a religious and he claims to be spiritual, and he did not grow up in a church. We had a strong partnership before this and now I’m feeling like we are in a competition. Since this debate I have a feeling that he has been displaying a male complex of some kind. He has made some indirect chauvinistic remarks. Although he tries very hard to hide it, I know that he feels that he is supposed to be better than me because he is a man and I am a woman. I feel like I have to be less to please him and that’s not fair to me. These past days we talked about it and he tries to take back the things he said and apologize. I don’t feel it’s that easy and I can’t forgive him. I am unhappy and one time this was the perfect marriage. I want to leave but I can't leave because of the children. I want nothing to do with the church anymore because of that verse. To add to this one of my co-workers have been making advances towards me, and I am attracted to him. The desire to have sex with my husband has left and I only think of my co-worker. I don't know what else to do. “Ready To Go”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ready To Go”,
Interestingly, this story seemed to change gears towards the end and I’m wondering if the co-worker is the real reason you no longer feel the sexual drive towards your husband. For the record, your husband’s remarks were childish and unacceptable. His indirect chauvinist comments are horrible but this new found attraction puzzles me as to why you would mention that in the latter part of your question. Often that is because that is the base here and one tends to try to avoid it if possible or add it as a “matter of fact” kind of thing. Did your co-worker know you were married because his making advance knowing so tells a lot about him. If you are looking for a sexual fest then maybe you should engage but be honest with your husband first about where you stand. You are a married woman and if you are that unhappy then you need to separate or divorce if this cannot be reconciled. It is wrong to cheat or keep a spouse around and that is misleading and will cause problems later on. You say you can’t leave for the kids but in reality they will inherit your unhappiness if you stay. I have seen these situations get ugly and the kids end up hurt the most because the parents couldn’t communicate their new position effectively. Now if you feel your marriage is 100% over than you need to take action before you involve another. You need to sit down with your now husband and come up with a mature plan on how to parent as divorced parents and how to soften the blow for the children. This should not be about you and your co-worker. At this point I say do not engage until you have a clear understanding on where you want to be with your present marriage. Good luck, please keep me posted.
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Hello Mr. Lover Man,
I have often times heard that a man wants someone that is a lady in public & a naughty girl behind closed doors. After an exchange with a trusted male confidante, he mentioned that a man wants woman that is good in bed and that I didn't “have that look" to me & that I look "too conservative". I wasn't offended by this. But I understand his point. When I go out, I carry myself like a lady and as someone you would take to meet your mother. But on the flip side, I am a great love maker & nothing is off limits with the right guy especially if I know in my heart he cares about me. I don't f*ck, I make love to a man's mind AND his body. I am a bedroom porn star. LOL!
I don't feel that I need to advertise the prize just to get someone to pay me some attention. People tell me I am pretty but that is as far as it goes with most approaches. Some have even asked for my number & never called. Maybe that is why I don't get approached often.I really want someone of substance. Is it okay that I am a closeted vixen?
Signed, Unwrap Me
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unwrap Me”,
There are differences in what men look for. Some are looking for great sex, that’s not the man you seek. Some look for great companionship and great sex grows with great partnership. Now that’s the man that’s worth your time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a closet vixen. It would be absurd to think there is. Men are a lot more visual beings than women are, studies support that incredibly. However, you do not have to flaunt it to attract a good man. A man with substance is NOT looking for a wife at “Club Suck Someone”. You do not have to advertise your bedroom skills to entice a man. You said you make love to his mind, and then use your tools. We all posses something that gives us an advantage, use yours. This also goes hand in hand with what type of man are you into. Some people claim to want to settle down but have no idea what makes them happy. Reason being is because they have only been in situations that show them what makes them unhappy. Anyone can learn to provide better sex; it takes time, lust, passion, initiative, dedication, love and the sheer willingness to please your partner. However, more importantly it takes more and shows more to be a true lady. Never question yourself because the right man exists. Look beyond your eyes. Please keep me posted, good luck.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I been with my boyfriend for 16 months and he says he needs to break up with me because he loves me too much, what does that even mean? From “Concerned and Confused”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Concerned and Confused”,
This is a simple case of "He is a freaking idiot". There could be a few things happening here, one could be that he isn’t mature enough to handle emotions of this magnitude and realized too late that he isn’t ready. Then there is the possibility that this is a pathetic cop-out to not hurt you as much and escape elsewhere. Men tend to do that to make it easier for them to leave. They run those lame lines like “It isn’t you, it’s me” or in your case “I love you too much”. Nonetheless, he is an idiot and until he matures, he doesn’t deserve someone ready for more than he is willing to give. Do not hang yourself up on this guy because you cannot make him ready or make him willing to stay. Ultimately that has to come from him. If he is this immature, then you are best departing. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I need advice on how to get my 15 year old to open up and talk about what happened to her when she was 9 she was sexually molested by my brother I didn't find out until after a good touch bad touch program at her school a year later and I was out of town on a job for railroad she was staying with my mom for that summer I got the call from school telling me in short I had him arrested and prosecuted but it cost me the relationship with my family they accused her of lying so I cut ties with them she was seen by therapists, counselors, psychiatrists etc over those yrs she developed promiscuous habits shuts down when its brought up has anger management issues because she doesn't want to talk she says she just wants to forget but her behaviors the anger, sex, cutting, have caused tension in the home and put her sister at risk as well so I had her in a boarding school for a year and a half where I thought she was making progress she went back to good grades, behavior improved from being there she said she was ready to come home I told her to finish out the school year then we would talk about it then she ran away twice from the program/school and was still acting out sexually and anger issues it got her kicked out of program and school so she had to come home. I am a single mom her dad has never been involved which also is affecting her because she wants to know him and he doesn't want to be bothered and my only support system died last year which was their godmother and the friends I thought I had deserted me saying she couldn’t be helped and won't allow their children to be around her. This also hurts her because they grew up together. She is a good hearted person who really loves to help others she is always trying to help the elderly in our area she is an honor role student, loves basketball, writing and can be a great child until she starts hanging around the wrong crowd then that's when the arguments start and the fighting the I don't care comments wishing she wasn't here because she can't have her way staying out past curfew she has said she can't talk to me about what happened because it was my brother and she doesn't want to hurt me but I want her to move forward with all the positives she has the smarts, beautiful, generous and giving spirit, an excellent writer and wants to write as well as be a heart surgeon but the negatives keep getting in the way by talking about to get it out of her and release it I'm out of solutions and options aside from praying and giving it to God to give me patience and strength to not give up on my child it’s just us now me her and her sister I want her to be able to finally get it out and release it to move forward in the gifts God has blessed her with I love my child with everything in me but I feel useless because I haven't been able to help her get over and through it! So any advice suggestions I'm open to. Thanks for listening/reading.
Mom out of solutions
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mom out of solutions”,
Molestation/Sexual abuse in children is so complex and much more when it is our child(ren). We as parents uncontrollably get emotionally involved and want our child to be honest, open & healed right away. Sadly, this will not be the case. A molested/abused child is dealing with so much confusion right now. They start to blame self, trust others less and often much worse. This leaves an indelible mark in their fragile/innocent minds. This can compromise their confidence and sense of developing healthy self-worth. They more often than not become withdrawn.
Then there is that part of the parent who feels they tried it all and gets burned out at the rebellion, plus the negative & destructive expression of the child. It definitely takes a toll. I do want to say that remaining composed will help more than showing frustration or emotional breakdowns.
When the offender is a family member or a close neighbor, parents should never disbelieve a child about their expressing sexual abuse & I honor you for siding with your daughter over your brother. Had you not done so, your relationship would have been severed for sure with your daughter. When trying to get her to open up, do not appear aggressive. This is not an interrogation. Do not throw in her face much because there is no reason to add to the guilt. You see her new actions all derived from the molestation. She is at a place where she releases with anger. Sometimes victims become sexual, not because they liked it, but often because they hated and need to like it to come to terms with it. So often they feel that’s all they are worth, and at times it’s their only way of expression that they feel appreciated.
The good that she possesses is there & I am so glad to hear that. It is hard to do so but be continuous about expressing inner feelings. You may want to open up about things with yourself you never shared. Open the doors for comfort in expressing. It can be in writing or drawings as well as speaking. Do happy things together. Sometimes the best way to get one to open up is to make the environment comforting. The home may not be that environment as things may constantly remind her of the negative. Remind her that she has the right to vent but you are concerned with her methods of venting. Reassure her of her preciousness. Remind her that she is still your baby throughout it all.
She is at a stage where peer pressures, media outlets & hormonal changes are all involved. She needs you more so as a friend than a mother. She may not be warm to the authoritative adult figure at this stage and needs a little bit more of a friend and confidant. Focus on communication. Sometimes they open up when you least expect it because there was comfort rebuilt in the environment. She should feel the opportunity to speak, when she expresses those words of anger or rage, don’t jump on her right away. Give it a moment and then ask her to express why she feels that way. I applaud your parental love and support. Adding additional professional resources never hurts, it can only help. Please continue to fight. Please keep m posted, best of luck.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it wrong that I still love my ex? We broke up 2 years ago. I can’t seem to be happy anywhere else. I cheated once and he left me. He has been with his new girlfriend for a year and I’m wondering should I tell him how I feel. Should I? He seems happy but I know I can make him happier. I feel it. What should I do? Sincerely, “Better than her”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Better than her”,
First thing, your sign off name sends the wrong message with what you are asking. You cannot dictate his happiness and in some ways he may not feel you are “Better than her” so erase the hate. With that being said, let’s begin. It is not wrong to love someone. That isn’t the emotion of control and at times we love people we don’t know if we should. You were in a relationship with him and it is understandable to still have feelings. Now expressing it is debatable. I firmly believe that one should always express their feelings, IF NOT done in malice. I say that because I’m wondering if this is about your love for him, or his love for her. You claim you can make him happier but your actions made him leave. Before you attempt to cause confusion o express your claim to make him happier, you should respect how he feels about his relationship. Talk about that first. This isn’t about you only. There are two other people involved and at this point, they are a union. Talk to him about how he feels with his girlfriend before you throw your monkey wrench in their plans. I hope that your reasons are pure, and just to release but if it is in any form a hate move or an attempt to break them up for your personal gain, I say don’t do it. Good luck with it and please keep me posted.
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