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To Mr. Lover Man,
My wife has been cheating on me. I caught on to her affair and she is doing so with a married guy, not that this probably matters because she is cheating. She promised that it would never happen again and she continues to cheat with this guy. I see the texts, the calls, the emails, and it’s like she doesn’t care until I’m ready to leave. When I’m ready she cries, flips out and threatens to kill herself. Our two kids need their mother and I don’t want her to kill herself no matter how much I hate her cheating. She keeps saying it though and I don’t know if it’s real or not but she cries and says it. She threatens to leave me and the kids forever if I divorce her. I just want to be happy and I can’t be with her. I am done with this marriage and want to serve her with papers but I’m afraid she will kill herself. All this and she still is sleeping with the married man. What can I do? “Ron”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ron”,
I have learned that no matter how idiotic the threat may seem, you assume it to be real. Sometimes some people do so as a cry for attention or to get their way and sometimes they do it because they mean it. You are not legally qualified to make that determination. You must and I repeat MUST contact a professional about these threats. They cannot hold you from living your life. She made a decision to cheat and sleep around repeatedly with some married guy. You should be forever held hostage because of that disgusting decision. She has an edge on you emotionally and is using that to manipulate and hold you into place and you are allowing this to happen. Yes YOU are allowing this. If she threatens again, contact a hospital, the authorities and have them assist you in placing her somewhere where she can attempt to kill herself. This is not good for the kids and they need a more stable mother in their lives as well as a father who can do without the extra drama. Her cheating ways are also risking exposure to std’s and you should consider that at this point to. It doesn’t seem as if she is ready to give up the cheating and you surely can’t be held against your will, so you need to make some decisions because your kids need a stable environment. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My problem is that my man doesn't want me as much as he used to. He doesn’t show any affection like he used to. He doesn’t show any effort to have sex. Don’t all men want sex?! We used to have sex all the time and maybe he is bored or he found someone else. I try to ask him and he told me there is no one else. His excuse for not being physical with me is the same all the time, which is he is tired. How can someone be too tired to say I love you or too tired to show affection? I cheated on him before but I thought we moved past that. I mean, I made a mistake in the past and we've both decided to move on from that. I'm so confused as to why he's doing this to me. It seems like now that I’m going all out and trying to put all of my effort into our relationship, he isn’t doing it. When I give someone else attention, then he puts all of his effort into not losing me. What else do I need to do? From: Not Enough Loving
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Not Enough Loving”,
There is something apparent here and I think that you need to give it serious consideration. Your cheating is something you claim to have gotten over but his actions show otherwise. Did he ever get the opportunity to express himself and his feelings about being the victim of your cheating ways? Was he able to heal and come to terms with this as a bad decision you made? At times this never happens and the cheater feels since they can move on the victim should too. That’s unfair and not an effective way to perceive it. Another thing I want to touch on is that you did not make a mistake when you cheated. You made a bad selfish decision and you have to own up to that. Saying you made a mistake takes away the fact that you did the wrong thing and also takes away him being the innocent victim. This doesn’t assist in his healing process. His giving attention when you give it to others probably is because it sparks the trauma of you giving sexual attention to someone(s) else and this is why he reacts in such a manner. Communicate with him, allow him a moment to release, accept you made a selfish choice and it wasn’t a mistake and you are sure this is something you never will repeat again. Without communication, all else will fall apart. Good luck and please keep me posted.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unloved and Alone”,
This is one of those situations that I hate to encounter because it is almost like I’m the bearer of bad news. There had to be a point where this was slowly becoming this way. We often choose to ignore it thinking it will turn back around or that it isn’t that serious. Then this situation you are in happens. Married couples do masturbate, sorry if you think that’s going to stop but it won’t, especially with men. What he thinks about is his business when he masturbates and I know you want it to be thoughts of you but that isn’t the likely case with men. However, there are more important issues at hand. The way you are feeling worries me because it doesn’t seem like this is new. I get the sense that this has been going on untreated. There comes a stage where seeing a professional is needed. You need to surface and elevate your self worth. You are still amazing and still wonderful. His lack of expression and love could be that his attention is elsewhere or that things are coming to an end. Sometimes we associate time (13 years) with what we feel we should be at in a relationship and that’s not often the case. Communicate with him please. Express how you feel honestly and what these actions are doing to you. If you want to save this marriage then you are going to have to do so. The messages are definitely not from a friend and are flirtatious. Is he cheating? I can’t say that physically, however, he is definitely wrong for that engaging with those women in such a manner. You have to address how that makes you feel. He can NOT give you self worth, so why let him take it away? You are still you. Seek for that wonderful you and allow it to surface. Good luck and please let me know how things are.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi. I am very confused about where my marriage is. My husband and I have been married 4 years and have two small children. We have been happy together and have a lovely life, no money problems whatsoever. About 6 months ago, we had a debate about something in the Bible regarding the wife submitting to the husband in everything. I told him that is not literal and that different time periods mean different things but he acted very disrespectful toward me. I am a religious and he claims to be spiritual, and he did not grow up in a church. We had a strong partnership before this and now I’m feeling like we are in a competition. Since this debate I have a feeling that he has been displaying a male complex of some kind. He has made some indirect chauvinistic remarks. Although he tries very hard to hide it, I know that he feels that he is supposed to be better than me because he is a man and I am a woman. I feel like I have to be less to please him and that’s not fair to me. These past days we talked about it and he tries to take back the things he said and apologize. I don’t feel it’s that easy and I can’t forgive him. I am unhappy and one time this was the perfect marriage. I want to leave but I can't leave because of the children. I want nothing to do with the church anymore because of that verse. To add to this one of my co-workers have been making advances towards me, and I am attracted to him. The desire to have sex with my husband has left and I only think of my co-worker. I don't know what else to do. “Ready To Go”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Ready To Go”,
Interestingly, this story seemed to change gears towards the end and I’m wondering if the co-worker is the real reason you no longer feel the sexual drive towards your husband. For the record, your husband’s remarks were childish and unacceptable. His indirect chauvinist comments are horrible but this new found attraction puzzles me as to why you would mention that in the latter part of your question. Often that is because that is the base here and one tends to try to avoid it if possible or add it as a “matter of fact” kind of thing. Did your co-worker know you were married because his making advance knowing so tells a lot about him. If you are looking for a sexual fest then maybe you should engage but be honest with your husband first about where you stand. You are a married woman and if you are that unhappy then you need to separate or divorce if this cannot be reconciled. It is wrong to cheat or keep a spouse around and that is misleading and will cause problems later on. You say you can’t leave for the kids but in reality they will inherit your unhappiness if you stay. I have seen these situations get ugly and the kids end up hurt the most because the parents couldn’t communicate their new position effectively. Now if you feel your marriage is 100% over than you need to take action before you involve another. You need to sit down with your now husband and come up with a mature plan on how to parent as divorced parents and how to soften the blow for the children. This should not be about you and your co-worker. At this point I say do not engage until you have a clear understanding on where you want to be with your present marriage. Good luck, please keep me posted.
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Hello Mr. Lover Man,
I have often times heard that a man wants someone that is a lady in public & a naughty girl behind closed doors. After an exchange with a trusted male confidante, he mentioned that a man wants woman that is good in bed and that I didn't “have that look" to me & that I look "too conservative". I wasn't offended by this. But I understand his point. When I go out, I carry myself like a lady and as someone you would take to meet your mother. But on the flip side, I am a great love maker & nothing is off limits with the right guy especially if I know in my heart he cares about me. I don't f*ck, I make love to a man's mind AND his body. I am a bedroom porn star. LOL!
I don't feel that I need to advertise the prize just to get someone to pay me some attention. People tell me I am pretty but that is as far as it goes with most approaches. Some have even asked for my number & never called. Maybe that is why I don't get approached often.I really want someone of substance. Is it okay that I am a closeted vixen?
Signed, Unwrap Me
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unwrap Me”,
There are differences in what men look for. Some are looking for great sex, that’s not the man you seek. Some look for great companionship and great sex grows with great partnership. Now that’s the man that’s worth your time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a closet vixen. It would be absurd to think there is. Men are a lot more visual beings than women are, studies support that incredibly. However, you do not have to flaunt it to attract a good man. A man with substance is NOT looking for a wife at “Club Suck Someone”. You do not have to advertise your bedroom skills to entice a man. You said you make love to his mind, and then use your tools. We all posses something that gives us an advantage, use yours. This also goes hand in hand with what type of man are you into. Some people claim to want to settle down but have no idea what makes them happy. Reason being is because they have only been in situations that show them what makes them unhappy. Anyone can learn to provide better sex; it takes time, lust, passion, initiative, dedication, love and the sheer willingness to please your partner. However, more importantly it takes more and shows more to be a true lady. Never question yourself because the right man exists. Look beyond your eyes. Please keep me posted, good luck.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I been with my boyfriend for 16 months and he says he needs to break up with me because he loves me too much, what does that even mean? From “Concerned and Confused”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Concerned and Confused”,
This is a simple case of "He is a freaking idiot". There could be a few things happening here, one could be that he isn’t mature enough to handle emotions of this magnitude and realized too late that he isn’t ready. Then there is the possibility that this is a pathetic cop-out to not hurt you as much and escape elsewhere. Men tend to do that to make it easier for them to leave. They run those lame lines like “It isn’t you, it’s me” or in your case “I love you too much”. Nonetheless, he is an idiot and until he matures, he doesn’t deserve someone ready for more than he is willing to give. Do not hang yourself up on this guy because you cannot make him ready or make him willing to stay. Ultimately that has to come from him. If he is this immature, then you are best departing. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I need advice on how to get my 15 year old to open up and talk about what happened to her when she was 9 she was sexually molested by my brother I didn't find out until after a good touch bad touch program at her school a year later and I was out of town on a job for railroad she was staying with my mom for that summer I got the call from school telling me in short I had him arrested and prosecuted but it cost me the relationship with my family they accused her of lying so I cut ties with them she was seen by therapists, counselors, psychiatrists etc over those yrs she developed promiscuous habits shuts down when its brought up has anger management issues because she doesn't want to talk she says she just wants to forget but her behaviors the anger, sex, cutting, have caused tension in the home and put her sister at risk as well so I had her in a boarding school for a year and a half where I thought she was making progress she went back to good grades, behavior improved from being there she said she was ready to come home I told her to finish out the school year then we would talk about it then she ran away twice from the program/school and was still acting out sexually and anger issues it got her kicked out of program and school so she had to come home. I am a single mom her dad has never been involved which also is affecting her because she wants to know him and he doesn't want to be bothered and my only support system died last year which was their godmother and the friends I thought I had deserted me saying she couldn’t be helped and won't allow their children to be around her. This also hurts her because they grew up together. She is a good hearted person who really loves to help others she is always trying to help the elderly in our area she is an honor role student, loves basketball, writing and can be a great child until she starts hanging around the wrong crowd then that's when the arguments start and the fighting the I don't care comments wishing she wasn't here because she can't have her way staying out past curfew she has said she can't talk to me about what happened because it was my brother and she doesn't want to hurt me but I want her to move forward with all the positives she has the smarts, beautiful, generous and giving spirit, an excellent writer and wants to write as well as be a heart surgeon but the negatives keep getting in the way by talking about to get it out of her and release it I'm out of solutions and options aside from praying and giving it to God to give me patience and strength to not give up on my child it’s just us now me her and her sister I want her to be able to finally get it out and release it to move forward in the gifts God has blessed her with I love my child with everything in me but I feel useless because I haven't been able to help her get over and through it! So any advice suggestions I'm open to. Thanks for listening/reading.
Mom out of solutions
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mom out of solutions”,
Molestation/Sexual abuse in children is so complex and much more when it is our child(ren). We as parents uncontrollably get emotionally involved and want our child to be honest, open & healed right away. Sadly, this will not be the case. A molested/abused child is dealing with so much confusion right now. They start to blame self, trust others less and often much worse. This leaves an indelible mark in their fragile/innocent minds. This can compromise their confidence and sense of developing healthy self-worth. They more often than not become withdrawn.
Then there is that part of the parent who feels they tried it all and gets burned out at the rebellion, plus the negative & destructive expression of the child. It definitely takes a toll. I do want to say that remaining composed will help more than showing frustration or emotional breakdowns.
When the offender is a family member or a close neighbor, parents should never disbelieve a child about their expressing sexual abuse & I honor you for siding with your daughter over your brother. Had you not done so, your relationship would have been severed for sure with your daughter. When trying to get her to open up, do not appear aggressive. This is not an interrogation. Do not throw in her face much because there is no reason to add to the guilt. You see her new actions all derived from the molestation. She is at a place where she releases with anger. Sometimes victims become sexual, not because they liked it, but often because they hated and need to like it to come to terms with it. So often they feel that’s all they are worth, and at times it’s their only way of expression that they feel appreciated.
The good that she possesses is there & I am so glad to hear that. It is hard to do so but be continuous about expressing inner feelings. You may want to open up about things with yourself you never shared. Open the doors for comfort in expressing. It can be in writing or drawings as well as speaking. Do happy things together. Sometimes the best way to get one to open up is to make the environment comforting. The home may not be that environment as things may constantly remind her of the negative. Remind her that she has the right to vent but you are concerned with her methods of venting. Reassure her of her preciousness. Remind her that she is still your baby throughout it all.
She is at a stage where peer pressures, media outlets & hormonal changes are all involved. She needs you more so as a friend than a mother. She may not be warm to the authoritative adult figure at this stage and needs a little bit more of a friend and confidant. Focus on communication. Sometimes they open up when you least expect it because there was comfort rebuilt in the environment. She should feel the opportunity to speak, when she expresses those words of anger or rage, don’t jump on her right away. Give it a moment and then ask her to express why she feels that way. I applaud your parental love and support. Adding additional professional resources never hurts, it can only help. Please continue to fight. Please keep m posted, best of luck.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it wrong that I still love my ex? We broke up 2 years ago. I can’t seem to be happy anywhere else. I cheated once and he left me. He has been with his new girlfriend for a year and I’m wondering should I tell him how I feel. Should I? He seems happy but I know I can make him happier. I feel it. What should I do? Sincerely, “Better than her”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Better than her”,
First thing, your sign off name sends the wrong message with what you are asking. You cannot dictate his happiness and in some ways he may not feel you are “Better than her” so erase the hate. With that being said, let’s begin. It is not wrong to love someone. That isn’t the emotion of control and at times we love people we don’t know if we should. You were in a relationship with him and it is understandable to still have feelings. Now expressing it is debatable. I firmly believe that one should always express their feelings, IF NOT done in malice. I say that because I’m wondering if this is about your love for him, or his love for her. You claim you can make him happier but your actions made him leave. Before you attempt to cause confusion o express your claim to make him happier, you should respect how he feels about his relationship. Talk about that first. This isn’t about you only. There are two other people involved and at this point, they are a union. Talk to him about how he feels with his girlfriend before you throw your monkey wrench in their plans. I hope that your reasons are pure, and just to release but if it is in any form a hate move or an attempt to break them up for your personal gain, I say don’t do it. Good luck with it and please keep me posted.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My question is not an easy one. Here goes my story, I was in a relationship with this woman for 3 years, then one day she decided to break up with me and that same week she just got with some dude who she met online while being with me and moved in with him that week. They were together for about a year and me and her became friends somewhat. She confided in me that he treats her badly and talks to her like she is worthless. It hurts me because I still love her, she has changed somewhat because now she has been sleeping with men and says it’s because of the hurt she is going through in her relationship. I am one of them men she has slept with and I want to attempt to work it out but now she wants to just run and relocate to another state. What do I do to get her to work things out with me? I’m confused. Thank you, Will I Am Not.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Will I AM Not”,
There is a problem here that you are not highlighting and I do not know if it is because you simply do not see it or do not see it. Your ex has issues, and her issues stem from well before this guy who treats her bad. She obviously created a dialogue with a person while with you. Played you for a period of time until she could make her escape to another man’s residence and this time she hit a wall. There must be something in her past that suggests the type of person she is and maybe you didn’t take the time out to learn your partner well enough. Never fret, this is educational and you need to learn to take care of what’s best for you. As for you trying to convince her of not making the move, for all you know she could have plotted this same behavior again and has some other online guy in another state waiting for her arrival. You can’t be “Captain Save Em”. She doesn’t choose to pursue you or any other man in your neighborhood for anything more than sex and maybe a place to live, however, what about your heart? What about your happiness, do you not feel you deserve more than this. Her sleeping with men has absolutely nothing to do with one guy treating her bad. Did you treat her bad when she decided to just lave unannounced one day and into the residence of another man? You need to talk to a professional, have a session, learn your full value, wear that value and attract a good woman that will love, honor & cherish you as you should her. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am dating this guy that has a baby’s mother and I’m confused because I don’t know what to make of the situation. They seem to get along well, I wonder if it is too well. They act like good friends and her man and my man even act like they are friends. We all have gone out and it’s not like he gives any of them more attention than me, but I never really see this and I wonder what is really going on. I mean, if they this cool, and then should I be worried that she and him have a chance to get back together? Thanks for responding. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
You should not be emailing me this, you should be taking this time to push your man in bed and give him the thank you of a lifetime. What you have is a very mature situation where two people realized they are better as friends and parents and have no intention of going past that. Never bring thoughts from other situations into that. This is an individual situation worthy of bragging. The fact that your man and her man are cool is maturity on a level all parents who do not wish to pursue a relationship should be on. You are welcomed into a world of love. The child is blessed to have this “family” and I can see where your concern comes in but I always like to say “If you look for negativity, you will find it, even if it DOESN’T exist.” These situations are a model situation and wish the total best for you all. Please keep me posted, I have a feeling that once you get past these thoughts, your relationship will enhance tenfold.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months and I am wondering why he hasn’t let me meet his 5 year old son yet. I’m wondering if his son even knows that his father has a girlfriend. I want to be more with him but I feel like he just doesn’t let me into that part of his life and isn’t that important? I want to ask him but I don’t know how. Should I ask him or wait, it has been four months. Much Thanks. Kima
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Kima,
I see where your concern comes in, however, it is unwarranted. The time of your relationship may not sit well with your boyfriend in accordance with an introduction of his son. His son being 5 years old makes this a security issue as well. I can see your eagerness to “solidify” this relationship by being a part of his most precious world and it is understandable but a parent must always be careful. Ask about his son, show concern, and ask about his son’s likes and dislikes. These are ways of showing genuine concern and enable a parent to feel it from within. Four months or 14 months doesn’t warrant a meeting, but the level of concern and love expressed does. Trust me, instead of asking when you will meet him; make him want you to meet his son with your heart. Good luck with everything, please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I don’t know if I should be upset or not but when my girlfriend goes out with her female friends she gets kind of drunk and she tends to have their short kissing sessions with her friends and or these body touching moments where her and her female friends touch each other’s body parts. I don’t know how to take this, should I take this as a tease and ask for a three-some, should I be upset that she is doing this with another, even though it’s women? I’m really confused and don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. Can you shed some light? Mr. Confused Boyfriend
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Mr. Confused Boyfriend,
First thing you have to acknowledge is how you feel. That will give you a ledge on where to go with this situation. Once you are more familiar with this then bring a conversation of it. If it turns you on tell her that you love to watch her kiss women, and that because you take part in kissing her you really never viewed it. Express your curiosity of her feelings and thoughts and how far is she into it. If you have dislikes about this then you need to address that ASAP. Never allow that to fester and build within because then it will come out to be negative and destructive and you do not want that. I cannot tell you what you are supposed to be feeling but being that she does this in front of you can mean many things, it can be that she is simply a bad drunk and can’t make reliable decisions, it could be that she wants you to know another side of her and being drunk is the best way to comfortably show you, or it could be that she wants involvement from you. I know that in order for you to find out, you are going to need to communicate with her. Having effective communication will open her up to how she is feeling and you will learn more on how you are feeling. No matter what way it sways, you will learn something you need to learn. Good luck and keep me posted.
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