LADIES, THIS MIGHT BE WHY HE IS NO LONGER INTO YOU.

One thing that I always found interesting was the mythical notion about the power of a woman's vagina over men. This of course is a falsehood and women should be made very aware that your vagina does not possess special powers nor will it make someone stay with you.
The clear difference when men become attached to the vagina is more so the emotional attachment they have to you than the physical. Sex is sex in many instances and that is why someone can sex you and lose interest. There was not emotional bonding, nor the interest beyond your physical presence, and quite frankly, if all you offer is the physical, once that is obtained, why should someone stick around. The mission has been accomplished.
Here are some reasons why despite you thinking you have a super vagina, men may still not be into you anymore..

To start off, he probably was not into you as a person because he sexed you without knowing you, then as he started to learn who you were, he realized you didn't offer whom he wanted to build a foundation with.

The second reason is bluntly put that he just wanted sex and you obliged. Period. This is often when he probably found someone of more interest or was not looking for something out the bedroom and you hinted for more.

Maybe he isn't into you anymore because you nag too much. Cardinal sin: Nagging. One of the biggest turn offs is nagging and it doesn't get mentioned enough. Men tend to look at this as a female trait and although that is not necessarily true, this is usually what happens before he finds himself trying to hear sensible female voices elsewhere. The nagging is annoying and will lead him elsewhere.

Stop forcing him to so many functions he is not interested in. There should be a balance and a limit to how much he has to endure or you have to endure as well. If he doesn't go to Church, introduce him to it but forcing him will not get him a pass to Heaven. Find meaningful conversation about your beliefs that will show him the importance and have him open-minded about exploring a spiritual life or religious life. Don't try to force religion on anyone as this has been known to backfire and push him away. 

If you take long to shop, just say it and stop dragging him along and forcing him to feel like a third wheel even when it is only you both. Make the shopping trip an experience for you both, not just about your bags and shoes. This is something that can push a guy away.

If your family/friends gives him a hard time and doesn't like him, do not force them on him. Sometimes gradual moves are best and space works most. This discomfort can make him explore other options.

Another reason he may not be into you anymore is that he realized you aren't pulling your weight. Sometimes you are more expensive than you are proven and he feels like he is the only one shelling out cash. Had this been 100 years ago, that would be great but in this day and age, men expect an independent working woman who brings more to the plate than her vagina and being there are so many that bring much more to the plate, he has options.

One more reason he isn't into you anymore despite you having a vagina is that possibly, in your efforts to impress him, you were not being fully yourself and the real you began to surface and the real you is not what he is attracted to. Now being yourself does not mean to give too much information too soon because that too can be too much for him. He doesn't need to know how many partners you had or stories about your ex on the first couple dates, if at all. Sometimes he wants to know important events from the past but most interested in who you are today. Let time open ways to introduce bigger past moments. To save this event from ever happening, be yourself from day one. This is always best.

Ladies, you are amazing and there is someone out there for you.  Men need to work on themselves as well as you need to work on yourselves. Think about these suggestions. It will not hurt.

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LEARNING FROM "TEMPTATION"

Such a fitting topic to always visit and revisit at any moment as "Temptation" often enters our lives. Sadly, too many selfishly fall into its grips, never fully taking into account the feelings of others impacted.
I just saw Tyler Perry's "Temptation" last night with a good friend and I must say that the moral of the story was fitting. Now there will be a very gender biased response to the movie as I have already been receiving such in my emails, Facebook messages and so forth. 
I do not want to make this post about the opinions of the acting or story line so much as the message. 
It is important to understand that you will face new occurrences, meet new people and see new things that will all in its own way, make you think that new is better than what you have. It may be fun and flashy and often make you smile but that doesn't necessarily make it better. 
In a relationship, two major problems that can be fixed are routine and communication. The reason it doesn't is often we become set in a certain way, not intentionally but we are creatures of habit. When one person finds themselves losing an ounce of happiness, it is the parties right and duty to communicate this and come to a ground that uplifts each individual and the union as a whole.
Relationships take work and without the willingness to do so, why even enter one?
Do not let the person who makes you smile when you are down come across as the savior because piss doesn't look so bad next to shit, but it is still piss.
Temptation is new, not as a word but it is always something different, something new, something that may mislead you to think it gives life. Temptation gives you a jolt that is probably missing but you can get that jolt back in your relationship if you communicate, change routine and keep it fresh. Do not let your relationship dull to find something sharp and new only to be cut at the end. 
Think about whats most important because relationships do not go smoothly daily, they take work. Especially marriages. Of course there are reasons to move on but one must truly evaluate before one gives in. In a relationship you can NOT have the "I'm doing me" attitude or the "I need to have fun" thought process. If you feel you are young and have a lot of living to do, then do it single. You do not have the right to mislead others and because you fear loneliness, drag others through your life of deceit and heartache. 
Everyone does not have to be in a relationship right now today and that is fine, but be honest with self and others and you will find that Temptation from the wrong things will not be so hard to ignore. 

SPOILER ALERT:
For those that saw the movie and thought that the ending was wrong, sad or extreme, I promise you that I have seen this result on many occasions. One person goes and thinks new is better only to find truth after the flash, fun and "new" becomes "old". The female contracting HIV, getting beat up and losing a great man was fitting in this movie. Sad in real life but such a hard and great lesson for those that watch it. It was nice to see the man who was faithful and loyal and although routine was his error, communication could have saved them. It was nice to see him move on and have a great family. 
Sad overall but lessons like this must seen on the screen before it becomes your life.

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IT ENDS TODAY...

We all have tolerated things that we feel at times we are supposed to, we put up with abuse, we put up with being hit, cheated on, ridiculed and even neglected. We have done so in the name of "love" but I am here to say, you no longer need to put up with this.
Today it is about you. Please watch and share this video with everyone because I promise you, someone needs to see this.
We all need to accept our wrongs and be better.

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THE LONG TERM BREAK-UP

Sometimes breaking-up seems like the most torturous act that we can ever go through. It is like someone being ripped out of you life and having to be buried but yet they still exist. It is almost having to ignore their present and future when all you want to do is the complete opposite. Sometimes the break-up is necessary because some things can not be fixed and sometimes the break-up is premature because through all rough roads are tests in relationships to see if true love exists.
Everyone isn't really in love. At times they are in love with the notion of love and use the word love far more than their actions can support. That doesn't mean they are lying, they sometimes think they really love you but do not. It is tricky but even when faced with this, one must communicate. When you lose communication, you lost the relationship.
One major problem is people want long term relationships but have short term thinking. You get into a verbal argument and one person leaves or makes a long term decision and that is not how the relationship survives. Sometimes (depending on the offense) you have to give space, sometimes after the argument, the situation calms down and there is a period where communicating civilly about what hurt the other person is necessary.
We often run to people who may mean well but do not give the right advice. The people who always tell you to just end it and "you deserve better" and "he/she will regret it when you are gone" do not have a clue. These people probably only hear when you are unhappy and you do not brag to them enough when you are happy with your partner and in their bias (or sometimes hate) they try to get you immediately out of a long term relationship with short term responses.
Breaking up, separations and divorces affect people differently and often in different stages. A mourning and an anger period is fine. They should not determine your decisions. One should never file divorce when angry nor return just because one is lonely. There has to be a clear thought that this relationship could never work no matter how hard we try. If you want a relationship with no arguing or problems, have a relationship with your hand because in the real world, these things happen.
The relationships that survive the hard times often emerge to be stronger. Not every relationship is worth that effort.
Should you find your relationship is not worth the effort and you are in a break-up slump, here are some tips that I am finding helpful to try and cope with ending a long term relationship.
Accept the sadness or grief you feel over the loss of your relationship. People will tell you it's going to be alright and it will. Dealing with the pain right away and upfront can speed up your recovery and help you start new, healthy relationships in the future. Trying to avoid the pain and masks it in clubs, bars and behind drinks or other dates will harm you in the long run.
Reach out honestly to friends and family. There are still people who care about you and would love to take you out to dinner, bowling, a movie or just a stroll. Do not isolate yourself; stay active and sociable.
Do not be afraid to talk to a therapist. Divorce/long term separation/break-ups comes with a wide range of emotions and they can be difficult to manage on your own. Make sure the therapists is an expert in divorce, relationships and so forth.

Give yourself time to heal. Do not rush yourself. You must remain honest with yourself and do not run into someone else's arms for comfort. it is not fair to the other person, nor yourself.
This process can take months or even years, so do not rush yourself and freely give your emotions time to naturally work themselves out.
I am having a hard time sticking to a schedule but you must try to set a schedule and stick to it. It is easy to be sidelined by depression, so build a work, workout, eating and socializing schedule and stay on it. Emotions can be all over the place, but your life shouldn't.
Sometimes it is good to hear these things from someone going through it and/or went through it as well as studied it. I hope this can ease some of the pain it eases with me.
I am learning as I write and will continue to learn. If I feel something working, I will always share, if it doesn't I will give a warning of opinion.
If your relationship can be saved after the anger diminishes, then be adult enough to show your partner you want to save it. Pride is cute until you start losing things important.
Let me know how this works for you and please support my books. Contact me at AuthorJasonOrtiz@gmail.com

 

 

 

 

 

All books sold on Amazon.com and on CreateSpace.com
More books to come.

 

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MOVING ON

Strength comes at times when one can least expect it.
Break-ups/divorces are incredibly hard and often they feel like a part of us is removed. It can feel like you have an empty feeling in your gut. Pain at times is inevitable but it is these moments that get us through life with a life lesson armed to make us better.
It is with great evaluation that you reflect back, not at the good times alone but at the moments that led to a relationships demise. Use these as a tool of bettering oneself. Even if you are the victim of a cheating partner, you can look back and see where you may went wrong or where things shifted into the wrong gear so to speak.
Own it, own every moment that you could have improved on and internalize it. These moments will make you better and increase your chances in your next union.
A better you makes for a better union. Take advantage of the time needed to build a better you. Do the things you always wanted to and invest in you. Do not rush into a situation without totally closing all doors of the last one. Through the pain, there will be healing. Through the tears, smiles will emerge. Through heartbreak, a stronger beat will sound through. Believe in a better tomorrow.
It is coming.

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Abandoning Your Children

I think about the first day. The moment the Doctor placed my son in my arms. The tears coming down my face and the words I whispered in his ears… “I will never leave you or let anyone hurt you”.

It really does feel like yesterday, no matter how cliché that sounds.

I do not understand the males (can’t say men) that can look their child in the face, in their eyes and walk away and not return. How does one intentionally walk away?

I am not talking about those that do not get to see their children as much as they would like because of issues with the mother or family court sanctions or what have you, I am talking about the males who are selfish and pathetic enough to voluntarily walk away.

How? Why?

I was thinking that if I had done such a despicable act, I would have missed being the man whose arms were the first ones my son ever touched, whose chest my son was the first to lay on. I think about the sick nights and who was the man to nurse him back, to take him to emergency rooms, to stay up all night singing and rocking him to sleep. I think about what would happen had I removed all of that.

I think about what would happen if I wasn’t there to address the bullying issue in school which was successfully rectified and now new friendships formed. It was I who made my presence known and let my paternal love lead me. What if I wasn’t there?

I think about what would have happened when my son was diagnosed in the Autism spectrum and his mother was broken and almost gave up but I was the backbone and fought for us all. What if I wasn’t there to fight? What if I wasn’t there the time on 14^th street in Manhattan when some drunken guy leaned on my son and almost pushed him into the train tracks? I was there and I made a difference.

Who would have taught my son his alphabet? Who would be his hero? Who would put him above everyone?

I remember so clearly my son telling me I was his hero. He even created a character on his Playstation 3 WWE video game called “The Dadster” and made me his favorite wrestler. Who would be “The Dadster”?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ DAD STER ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I am his protector, I am his Father, I am his male role model, I am his enforcer, I am his place of love, I am his permanent male figure that will work to make him far greater than I could ever be.

Who will show him how to live instead of just telling him? Who will guide him through the moments of confusion? Who will be there at any moment when he needs to reach out to a man for clarity?

Who would spoil him with love, with fatherly love? Who?

ME. Then, now and always.

Males, those that run away, those that disappear into the night almost vampire like, those who do not really care…. Why?

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SEX: IS THERE TOO MUCH?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have a dilemma; my girlfriend says I want sex all the time. I don’t see an issue with that. How can we grow if we don’t explore our sexual needs? She keeps telling me I am a sex addict and it is not helping the relationship. What’s the real definition of a sex addict and how can I make her want more sex? Thank you.

Carl.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Carl”,

Let’s start by clearing the air on what a sex addict is. A sex addict is someone who has an overwhelming need for sex. We are not talking large appetite for expressing passion but a need so extreme that it interferes with work, relationships, home, friendships, etc., Many sex addicts engage is very risky behavior and up the ante of risk as time progresses. They want sex in places and situations that calm be dangerous and behaviors that follows; compulsive masturbation, countless one night stands, extra-marital affairs, anonymous sex partners, voyeurism and exhibitionisms.

Now that we got that out the way, I don’t know how extreme you are in this category and you are probably not, however, you girlfriend is expressing an issue you must not ignore. What she is really saying is that she feels like nothing more than a sex partner and doesn’t feel you are doing enough in other areas to make this work. If you really want to make this work and get her to come closer to your sexual needs, you have to do two things; the first is to make sure you fulfill her needs outside the bedroom. She clearly is crying out for you to step up in that department. Show her you are man enough to answer the call. The second is to make the sex about her, make her really want it because she is the object of worship. Now your response determines how serious you are about making this work. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a happily married woman. I demand more sex than my husband is able to deliver. My husband is great in bed but for some reason, no matter how many times I climax, I am rarely satisfied. I am satisfied for the moment, then shortly after I could go for some more. I can imagine your readers thinking “this is a great woman to have” but the problem is that I can’t control myself. I have been unfaithful to my husband more times than I can remember or count. I don’t know the names of some of the men and many are friends of his or mine. I am afraid to lose him but it seems when sex is propositioned, I cannot refuse. I do not know how. Even when my mind says it is wrong, my body opens up. Someone suggested sex therapy and it sounds like something I need but what I need to know is what exactly is sex therapy and how will it help me?

Appreciation. From Lana. (Not my real name).

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lana”,

I don’t know that I have to go in depth about how unsafe your behavior is. You are continuously exposing yourself to danger and diseases and exposing your innocent husband to diseases as well. (If it hasn’t already entered the relationship).

One thing I always commend people on is their willingness to get help and the acknowledgement that there is a problem. You have done both and must continue to move in the direction to save your life and possibly that of your husbands.

As for sexual therapy, it is a form of relationship therapy that directly takes on sexual intimacy and sexual problems. What you have is safe to say is a sexual problem. Therapy addresses either the lack of o the excess of; it can involve your partner or just directly be on you. Let me be clear that the role of a sex therapist is not to change someone's sex drive or orientation, but to help them maximize their potential for satisfaction and happiness and there are specific programs designed to help couples and individuals work through their sex-related issues. In your case, it would be to assist in you not just acknowledging your maximum potential in making better choices but to give you the ability to be in control again. Will you have thoughts and urges? Of course but you will also have choices and options that you do not feel you control right now. Its talk therapy and it does work. Please move forward in seeking help and understand the risks you put your husband in as well as yourself. If you guys have a family, you have to think about that. The choices of partners (although cheating is wrong generally) is humiliating to your husband should he ever find out. Please seek help. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I don’t know what it is but I have the urges to masturbate pretty much all the time as much as I can. I find myself sneaking off in work bathrooms and other places I do not want to admit. The thing is I feel ashamed afterwards and that is what’s telling me that I have an issue. Here’s the kicker, I am not single and I believe that my girlfriend and I have a healthy sex life. We are active and it is good sex. It is when she is not around that I feel like I have to please myself. I don’t know if I have a question but I am wondering how far I have gone. Thx.

Harvey No last name.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Harvey No Last Name”,

There are things that must be considered, the first being that you are masturbating at work. This reeks of problems. The lack of control at your workplace sends alarms that you do have a problem and I will tell you that it can spiral further out of control than it already has. There are positives that do say you are not lost and can be in control again. Your masturbation isn’t taking the place of or causing problems in your relationship and sex life with your girlfriend. Now I’m wondering, is the masturbation connected to you watching porn on your cell, at work, home etc., is it from fantasies you conjure up in your mind, photos or conversation? The reason I ask is that when we connect the cause we can reduce the affect. You should discuss these issues with a professional, just to get a sense of the next direct step. Often counseling in this field works wonders for many people. I don’t want to see you lose your job and this progress to harm your relationship. Seek professional sessions while it is in the stage it is in. You don’t want it to get worse. Good luck and keep me posted.

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TIMING IS EVERYTHING

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I need some help on how to get over this guy that I’m really into. I know its love and I really can’t stop thinking about him. I have had this feeling for about 9 months. We had a great sexual experience and we went out a few times but have been friends before that.

We ended up having a huge argument that was pointless and then we stopped talking for a while. He now has a girlfriend who he loves. I love him. I’m a beautiful woman and many other guys have asked me out but I just want him. I know I can't have him. How can I get over him?? Sally

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Sally,

This is one of those unfortunate situations where no matter what is said, it won’t feel right because you have your heart and mind set on what you want. Reality offers a different option than one you wish for. If this was a cheesy movie, someone would tell you to go for yours and take what’s yours but the reality is that he has moved on and is open about loving his present girlfriend. I think it is safe to say he is happy. His happiness should make you smile if the love is real. I know it hurts but one way of getting over someone is to reprogram yourself to do so. Every time you have thoughts of him, you must remind yourself at that very moment that it cannot be. You have to constantly tell yourself this and it slowly removes the hope, the want and the wishing of something that will not be. It never feels good at first but ultimately you will be free and appreciate the good times and understand that your time with him prepared you for someone even more amazing. Keep me posted, good luck.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I dated this girl for 3 years. We spent every moment with each other. We talked about our future together, having kids and the whole nine. I loved her so much; but we went through some rough times. Money issues mounted and we kept arguing.

Stupidly I allowed my friends to convince me that the money situation would not get better because she was in school full time and I couldn’t afford the relationship. It sounded logical at the time. I no longer believe this but originally I tried as hard as I could to detach myself from her. I broke off communication in an attempt to let go fully and I haven't actually ever been truly happy.

I have dated in the last 8 months on and off and feel empty without her. She has dated and sometimes she texts me and it's kind of awkward between us and I want it to be like it was. How can I have a conversation with her that will let her know that I want to be with her again in a way that let her knows what I want without being too strong? Thank you, from: Johnny Rocket.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Johnny Rocket,

I understand this is a hard time and before I answer your question, let me say that your decision to let go was idiotic and childish and I can only imagine the hurt it caused. I can only hope that you guys can move past that (whether friends or lovers). The thing here is that you have to embrace honesty and come clean. You have to let her know what you feel without aggressively imposing your wants. Slowly introduce how you feel in a basic conversation while discussing something pleasant like a good moment you both mutually shared. Allow her response to determine whether she is ready for your expressed feelings. When the conversation feels open, inject yourself slowly. Tell her what you miss; tell her how wrong you were because it is not only about you. You owe her more than an apology; you owe her a sincere explanation. Ultimately you will have a clear position in this situation, whether it’s the one you wish for or not. Respect her stance and be supportive. Maturity must set in. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have a very close friend that I have fallen in love with. It kills me everytime these women take advantage of his kindness. He is too good for the woman he is dating. I want to express how I feel to him but I find myself too damn busy being his shoulder because she is always hurting him. Should I just tell him how I feel? Thank you sir. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

I honor your friendship and I am very sure he does the same. There are a few things I want to say and please pay close attention. After every painful breakup it is most healthy that the person hurt should have time alone. Going from one situation to another only covers the last hurt but never heals it. Ultimately it will resurface in the wrong situation which can cause both parties to be hurt. Continue to be a wonderful friend and remind him how important a relationship is with being friends first. Slowly give hints that are comforting but not too aggressive. Help him understand his worth and guide him to warmth. Your friendship will be key. This stage in the friendship should be a bit more endearing. When hugging him, let him feel your embrace a little bit differently. When he is venting, it is ok to gently touch his cheek. Smile into his eyes but do it periodically because he needs time to heal. Thank you for your question and please keep me posted.

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DATING HURDLES

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a successful black woman and I am having trouble finding a good black man that appreciates my success. I always hear that men of color envy us successful black women and that’s probably why I am having a hard time dating. Can you tell me what’s the issue with these men? “Strong Black Queen”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Strong Black Queen”,

The issue is probably you as a person. Your ignorance of these men is so visible that you probably turn them off on the initial conversation. For the record, men are not intimidated by the education and successes of women. Women are more in college than men, we know this and we don’t mind it at all. A man wants an educated and successful woman or one working on her successes. The ones that don’t are the ones that usually lack self-confidence and are a bit more immature than others. If those are the only men you are attracting then you need to re-evaluate that. Too often it is misunderstood that of black men is that "black men are intimidated by successful black women." The success isn't what disconnects men and women it's the perceived attitude that comes with the education and success. If two people make each other feel valued and appreciated, then the relationship will work despite educational or professional successes. It is great to be happy with one has done but that isn’t everything about a person. Give people to learn more about to you from within. Date without wearing stereotypes on your eyes and you will see things better. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a tall woman. I stand at 6 feet 2 inches and I am always having trouble with finding someone to date. One time these two guys approached my friend and I and both were very interested in me until I stood up. I saw the look in their faces and saw the amount of attention I was receiving fade away. I don’t know what to do. It gets depressing because I don’t know what to do about it. Help me please. “Tall But Fun”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Tall But Fun”,

There are men that are shorter and are not comfortable with dating taller women because they are more concerned with how it “looks” to other people. Those types of people you do not need directly in your life because they are a headache waiting to happen. I will say this, being that so many narrow minded people over look you (no pun intended) the ones that do show interest are more likely to be open minded individuals and a better catch than the ones who are too superficial and narrow minded. You can appreciate the person for who they are minus the concerns of height differences.
Listen, the fact of the matter is whether you wear heels or flats, you are going to be tall. Embrace it and don’t feel any shame from it. Men love confident women, tall or short. Utilize your gifts and be a better person from within. If any guy doesn’t you due to your height, that’s fine because someone will probably not want them for being too short. Continue to focus on the better you and I promise you that you will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong with dating. I'm letting my guard down and am going to spill my guts. First and foremost I have a lot to offer. I'm a good person, confident, and successful. I was in the service for 9 years traveled and continued my education. I'm far from needy or insecure but it’s come to a point where I feel like any person I've taken any sort of interest for seems to leave and for what appears to me as no reason at all. I currently coach a swim team, volunteer, run marathons, run 3 offices for a successful company, have my own money, own life, own home and a great family. I love to laugh am fit very sarcastic into all sorts of music activities and sports. I have a good head on my shoulder and I have no problem with men approaching me. I don't want to sound conceited but I've worked hard for what I've got. I'm not a gold digger or rude by any means.

 Anyways, I've been back in the dating scene for two years and haven't passed a 3rd date. It’s so frustrating. Yes, sometimes it’s my fault because I realized the person wasn't for me but for example the most recent guy... I really enjoyed his company. We met online, spoke for a couple months and had a date early Dec. It was more my fault then his because of both of our schedules we had to plan in advance. Keep in mind both of us have busy schedules and children. From the get go we never spoke or text daily but would randomly have conversations anywhere from weekly to bi weekly. We finally met up and had a great night. Following the date he informed me he had a great time and would like to take me for dinner again. A week or 2 passed we exchanged Christmas cards (I sent one first) it was simple and humorous. Anyways, I received tickets to an event and asked if he'd like to join me. He replied I’d love to. We had our 2nd date for Jan. 14th. We continued talking after and then he cancelled. The day prior he sent me several messages and I quote, “Hey, Hope u are doing good. I did some sledding of my own with the kids tonight. Pretty cold out there but lots of fun.  Definitely not warm like Dallas was. Can't complain though, we've had it easy so far this winter. You are going to HATE me, but I'm going to have to cancel for tomorrow. I'm so sorry and sad that I can't make it. I don't want to give u a lame excuse over text so let me know if u can chat tonight or tomorrow.  I'm so sorry, I feel terrible about it especially the short notice.   I'll pay u for the tickets if u had to purchase them, I'm serious.  Blue man would have been fun, but hanging out and seeing u again is what I was really looking forward too! It sucks." Okay so at first I was hurt and disappointed but I'm not going to say that. So I responded the next day with: I’m disappointed you can't make it but I understand things happen. The following morning I sent him a text, “I had a great time last night! Wish you could have made it. Don’t feel bad either, save that for when the packers win today!"

Guy. I'm glad u had a great time last night. Again, I'm so sorry. Because I feel terrible for canceling on you, I'll wish your packers well today. .. and the fact that they are down 10 points late in the game has nothing to do with it.

Me... Ha-ha funny guy, can I ask you something?

Guy: Sure

(next day)

Me: Good morning! Sorry, my phone died last night. I was just reading some refinance offer from the bank for some of our properties yesterday and there was one thing I didn’t understand. I was going to "take advantage of you" ;) and ask for a better explanation since you are well-versed in that sort of thing but I’m meeting with our attorneys at 10 today so I’ll just bother them. Lol Thank you anyways, have a great day!

This was last Monday the last contact I've had with him. What happened? I don't want to initiate contact more than him. I'm not sure where I went wrong??? If he wouldn't have contacted me after the first date I would have assumes he wasn't interested and let go. I don't know if he's just that busy he has contacted (I know he had the kids this weekend) or was this his polite hint to me that he's not interested. Usually not hearing from him in a week I wouldn't think anything of it but since he canceled I can't help but wonder. Should I let him make the next step or should I reach out to him? If I reach out I'm worried he's just so nice maybe he'd reply anyways??? I don't know anymore please help!!! Thanks PS I know I sound crazy but I can assure you I'm not! Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

In you mentioning all the good things about yourself, I wonder if you are overlooking your flaws. We all have them and maybe your inability to acknowledge them or address them is something that is working against you. There are some males who are intimidated by the successes of a good woman; those males are not needed in your circle. There are also men who wish to see beyond the successes of a woman and maybe they only see the successes. There could be a few things going on here for the overall dealings with different dates. The one particular example you mention, I would say that there is no need to dwell on any person who doesn’t wish to keep you in their world. If only for educational purposes, then I understand, other than that, it’s pointless. He could have very well been slowly pulling away from you and saw a window when you phone battery died. Also, the lack of contact (bi-weekly or weekly) probably made him think there wasn’t going to be much growth or room for it. There could be a dozen reasons, but I do know one thing, you will never know by playing the contact/no contact game. Pride is senseless in cases like this because if you reach out and speak straight up seeking a direction and he opts out, at least you know. The most mature person usually reaches out and asks for the direction of the situation. Don’t be concerned with the games or the response. Play your part by asking honestly and seeing if the interest is enough to continue communication. If not, move forward. As for the general sense of the dating world, it isn’t about anything other than learning people. As long as you take time to learn the other person at a respectful pace and give the least you can about you unless asked, then you will be fine. Acknowledge your flaws and make no excuses for them, they are who you are as well as all those things you mentioned about yourself earlier. Good luck and keep me posted.

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COMBATING THE MIXED MESSAGES.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I've been seeing this guy for 7 months now. We see each other about once a week or once every other week. He isn't ready for something serious, but has been there for me when I've needed him. Sometimes I feel like I would like something more with him, but he shuts down when I bring it up. I know he's going through some financial hardship and things are unstable for him. I have also noticed when I'm out he seems insecure about it. I get pursued by other men all the time. I'm not ready to move on to the dating scene just yet. What would you suggest? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

There are things here that could possibly be happening that haven’t been communicated. The societal stigma that because one is male, one must be a huge financial supporter could be weighing heavily on him. The mention of his financial hardship rang a bell with me. There are times that men are hesitant in engaging in exclusivity due to financial hardships because let’s face it; it does cost to be in a relationship. Even if both parties bring to the table, it is still a societal stigma for the male to bring more. Now I do not and never will agree with this foolish rule but maybe he does. Communicate with him and find out what it is that he wants. Don’t bring up anything that you want in the beginning. Allow him to express what it is that he wants pressure free. His insecurity about you going out can mean one of numerous things. He may actually want more and is unable to feel he can (due to financial reasons). He may have been though something in the past he has not gotten over and you’re going out triggers that moment. Clear things with him; communicate effectively and with consideration of his feelings. Should his unwillingness to step forward for be much clearer, then you have to accept and make a decision. Should you wish exclusivity and to settle and he doesn’t, then you will need to invest elsewhere. You need to be happy and do not need mixed signals nor do you need to hold onto something that will never be. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I’m dating this girl who is giving me mixed messages. When we are alone, she lets off this incredible attentive aura that shows me where we are headed. When we are out in a group setting, she always mentions how she isn’t ready to settle down with anyone. It’s very contradictory to everything we discuss or how we act when we are alone. I don’t even know if I have the right to address this because I guess we aren’t solely seeing each other according to her words when we are with friends. What should I do? Thanks in advance. “John Dough”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “John Dough”,

This entire situation wreaks “immaturity” on her part. This is just one of those people that ae still impressing their friends or the general public without realizing the things they lose in doing so. This is such a classic childish act. However, you have the absolute right to question the position you both play in each other’s lives. Do not feel that her contradictory expression amongst friends removes your position. You have the right to know where you stand and what the expectations are of this position. The lack of exclusivity doesn’t remove the fact that you are investing time. Communicate how you feel and what you wish for. Should you both be on two completely different wavelengths, then you need to consider making a decision on whether you will hang around (which isn’t the best at times), dating others or just completely moving forward in a different direction from hers altogether. Whatever it is that keeps her from wanting more is something she has t tackle and not something you mislead yourself into thinking you can “cure”. Seek truth and accept it. After accepting the truth, make a choice. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My situation is confusing. I’m with this guy that treats me like a Queen but I can’t get him to commit. It’s like every time I speak about taking it to the next level of just us dating; he tells me he isn’t ready. Why would he treat me so well if he wasn’t ready? His actions make me think he is ready but his words are strong in saying no. Should I even wait until he changes his mind or should I date other people too?  What do you think? “Female That’s Ready”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Female That’s Ready”,

This could very well be a typical situation of a male who is not just treating you this way but others. It’s not hard to do so and this could be his way of suspicion being minimal or non-existent. The thing here is that he is not ready because he could be elsewhere. The key here is to communicate your expectations, should you have any and to find out his. Be clear as to whether you guy are expected to date others as well and what are the willing possibilities. I never believe in hanging on to something that won’t be. I’m a firm believer in communication as an effective tool/weapon and its constant utilization throughout the process and not just when relationships hit a wall. You make your next steps in accordance to where this one moves. Should this relationship be exactly where its ever going to be then you need to make a decision. If there is more coming, then give more as it comes. Good luck and keep me posted.

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ON THE BRINK OF AN AFFAIR

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have been married for ten years and unhappy for the last six years. My wife & I haven’t had sex in the last two years and we pretty much continue this relationship because of our two children. I find myself wanting the companionship I am missing in my marriage. I want to kiss, hold and make love to someone and my wife isn’t an option. I have a friend that I have been spending a little time wife and she is in a marriage that is not providing what we need. Spending time with her has opened my eyes to what I am missing and although it is not sexual, the tension exists and our interests in exploring something more is common. I think about her all the time and I find myself wondering if I would be having an affair and that is something I do not want to do. I want to move forward but I know I am still married, help me please. From: Anonymously Unhappy

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymously Unhappy”,

Your length of time of unhappiness is quite lengthy and I am wondering how the communication is at home. I understand the conflict within but in order for you to feel great about whichever direction you choose to go, think about a few things. The first thing is, how effective of a communicator have you been lately? Are you clear that this marriage is over and is it beyond repair? The reason you need to know is because you can not make these decisions for you wife and you should always close one door before opening another. Should there be hope of making your marriage work, are you willing to do your part? When you address these questions and if you find yourself in a situation that directs you to move forward, you need clarity on where this women will stand in your world as opposed to her marriage. Do not give up your marriage for a woman that may never exit hers. Communication is your answer and until you answered these questions clearly, do not make the decision to abandon your marriage just yet. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am on the brink of having an affair and I am in need of help because I really love my husband. I have a male friend who makes me feel more alive and more passionate about myself than I have felt in quite a while. Our friendship is relatively new, about a year and a half and I really enjoy his company. He is in a relationship of his own but our flirting grows over time. I know I probably shouldn’t be doing it but it feels good when we are flirting. It makes me realize the thing missing at home. Give me some words here because I really am ready to make a move and I know I shouldn’t. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
I always have a problem with these “friends” who claim to be a friend but have ulterior motives and the person in the relationship which knows better but engages in it anyway. First thing, he is not you friend if he knows very well that you are married and is trying to have his way with you outside of the friendship. Real fiends would not do so, especially that you have not claimed you had issues at home and were open about you really loving your husband. I think that the things you realize you are claiming to be missing at home should be worked on before you venture to try to find it elsewhere. You have to try and remember that your home is where you must work on always. The love exists but does the willingness to respect this love exist? Who are you in your relationship and are you willing to lose your home relationship to be a side-piece to a friend who is obviously only friending you for a piece of sex. All too often I have seen these situations where the person actually engages and either ruins the home relationship and/or realizes they risked something great only to be revealed as a quick piece of sex. The smart choice is to work on things at home, to communicate and to make sure you don’t just respect your relationship at home but when you are not home as well. You being on the brink of an affair isn’t so much about your friend, but more so about who you are. I hope you are better than that. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My marriage has lost its spark, it has been on the decline for quite a while and I don’t think either of us has had the guts to admit it out loud. My wife spends more time in a separate room and no longer embraces me as I walk in from work. The little things are gone and I find myself interested in other women at work. I get hit on quite often and have always been professional but I feel lonely in my own home. I feel like I need to seek love somewhere, as my wife has not shown me any. Thank you for your time. “Steven”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Steven”,
I think before you take this cop-out of an excuse, you need to exercise all options in your marriage. Have you tried counseling? Doesn’t sound like you have. Have you decided that it would be smarter to communicate out loud as opposed to assumptions and doing something stupid? The little things that have diminished have part of your responsibility on it. The fact that you felt this occurring and have not maturely addressed this shows that you played a part in its demise. Could this be saved? Of course it can, do you really want that? You do not need to seek love anywhere but home and should this mutually come to an end, then and only then should you seek love elsewhere. You are in a vowed marriage and for better or worse, you must stand by your promise to try and make this work and exercise all options. Good luck and let me know how this unfolds.

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STEP-PARENTS: WHEN IS IT TIME?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am in a great relationship that hits a snag. This snag is my girlfriend’s 7 year old son. The child is a good, well behaved child but does not warm up to me. I tried extending myself in a manner that I felt was safe and somewhat warming but this child does not even talk to me. I really do not know what to do. I found myself pulling away and not knowing what to say when I visit them. I really want this to work, please help me.

Signed respectfully, “A good man”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “A good man”,

This is such a common situation and I want to take this time to applaud you for your attempts and your position and where you want this to go. It is not easy for a child to warm up to the man who has just imposed into his world and has snatched attention from the most important person in his life. I’m not sure if the child has a strong bond with his biological father but that can also play a role. It will take time and in this time, try to find out all the little things that he likes. Go out as a trio and see his favorite movies, plays, game halls, etc., and you will slowly see the ice melt. He needs to feel safe and can’t feel second in his mom’s world. He needs to often be reassured that you are not coming in to make things difficult. A child cannot be expected to have the same clear understanding of the situation as the adults present in the situation. It is your job to ask yourself how much do you want this and should it be more yes than no, then you have to allow patience to be your best friend. I have seen the successes in these stories and would love to know that yours is also one. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

How do you know if you can bring someone around your child? I have been dating this loving man for four months and we have been in such awe of one another. I am seemingly falling in love and he has expressed similar feelings but a little a bit stronger. He has expressed interest in meeting my daughter and I have never let any man meet my daughter because I am very protective. Will this ruin the relationship if I wait too long and when will I know I can trust him? Thank you so much Mr. Lover Man, from Momma Bear.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Momma Bear”,

It is great to protect our children and that is something that all parents should pride selves in. Your situation is one that many parents dating ask themselves. You should engage in conversation with you daughter and set up dialogue. Allow her chance to prepare for the moment when she meets someone new. Remind her of her position and how this is an addition and not substitute.

As for your boyfriend, you will know when the time is right when you start to daydream of moments of you three co-existing in such a wonderful manner. Those moments that you can visualize how great it can be because of how great he is to you and when you stop that thought and you feel you miss it although it hasn’t happened, then you will know it is the right time. Make sure you have a deep detailed talk about this, fully understand how he feels and do not irrationally impose expectations on him that is not fair. Your daughter is first but she is not only, you have to remember that this is new for everyone and you will be the facilitator, so to speak.

As for your concern about the waiting process being a negative, well it can be. Not definitely but one may wonder the level of seriousness if one can never fully enter his partner’s world. I have a feeling that is not the issue here but in conversation, reassurance and a request of patience is reasonable. Good luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I never had a good relationship with my step-dad. He was real military and not emotional. He really was nice to my mom and was a complete heel to me and my brother. Ok, so here we are up to date, my girlfriend has a child and she knows I had nothing but bad memories with my step-dad because I told her. Now she thinks I may not have the ability to be a good step parent if the time comes to meet her son. I am not a bad person and I don’t think that it’s a picture that should be painted about me. How can I change her from thinking this way? It’s not fair for me. Thanks. “Anonymous”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,

Your yesterday should not ever be held over your head, especially when you are too far ahead into today. You have to remind her of who you are and tell her that because of your experiences that you actually know what it feels like and could never inflict upon another. Your story of yesterday can’t change who you are and your willingness to share is commendable. Make sure you communicate, not in a defensive manner, but in the honest way that you can. You must continue to present who you are and respect her position to take precaution to protect her son as any honorable parent would. She didn’t break up which clearly means that she is still on board. Have patience and communicate. Never shy from being you and allow her time to see once again how great you are. Good luck and keep me posted.

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SLEEPING WITH THE BOSS & THE RESPECT YOU DO NOT GET

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I need your help like yesterday. I am married but I got caught up into a relationship at work with a supervisor and now it’s beginning to affect my relationship at home. My supervisor doesn’t want more than sex but he is somewhat reckless with his communication and my husband is beginning to catch on. How can I ease my way out of the one at work & fix my relationship at home without ruining my chances of productivity at work? Respectfully Mrs. Rock & a Hard Place

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mrs. Rock & a Hard Place”,

First thing is that in you search to slide your way out of sleeping with a supervisor, you neglect the disrespect and lack of regard to your husband. Your decision to cheat and lie has placed you in a situation with a supervisor who does not respect you as his actions show with his clear disrespect to your marriage at home as his form of communication is reckless. He does not care about whether you get caught or not because he has power over you and you are too weak to confront it. You rather risk hurting you husband who probably is supportive and loving than confront your supervisor about his blatant disrespect of your home. You are a weasel of the worst kind, however, there is a way to change this position you are in.

First thing you have to do is let your supervisor know the importance of your marriage (if that truly exists) and why the situation you have with him can no longer exists and anything outside of professionalism is on zero tolerance. If this is not something the supervisor will accept, any conversation further than that should be recorded without his knowledge. You will need to cover yourself as all too often, when the female the boss is screwing gets boring or wants to return home, it has been reported to not settle well with the power mongering boss.

Do something amazing for your husband, as a matter of fact, be amazing for you husband, more so for yourself and focus all the extra marital sex on your husband. You need to grow up and make mature decisions. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I feel played and humiliated at work. My boss is a dog and I fell into his chauvinistic ways. Here is my story: My boss came across as a charming man, someone respectful and always complimenting me. I really thought he was different and after a month of relations it seems like he is doing the same exact thing he did with me to the new girl and I am beyond livid. I can already sense how others are looking at me and I am humiliated. I want to confront him, no, I want to rip his head off and key his car but I can’t afford to lose my job. Please help me. Thank you, “Used”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Used”,

There is not much that can be done other than embrace the fact that he played you so now focus on moving forward. It’s not easy and I understand how humiliated you feel but ultimately you have to work in that environment and you need to do what you must to further educate yourself to qualify for a higher position and be the example for change. You can use your experience to help others; you can take what you have learned and move forward. Unfortunately this is too common at the workplace and something that will not just simply stop as the power given with title is abused in many ways. You will have to learn to protect yourself from further advances from males at the workplace as once it is known, usually others hone in to try and take advantage of what can be labeled the “easy girl”. You need to focus on why you were hired and what it is you have to do at work. Don’t try to be anything other than a hard worker.

It is known that 17% of women have slept with their bosses and only about 30% felt any type of benefit. Most of the time it is the boss using the position as a degrading means to sex whomever they feel will fall for it. You need to focus more on the best you and do not allow this dirtbag to determine your worth. Do not run from the topic and do not give him any other attention outside of the professionalism to co-exist. Other than that, never lose sight that he is a scum bag who is not in the department of change. You need to focus on being in that department. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am the President of a particular company and I find myself fantasizing about the secretary. I do not wish to be labeled as one of those with power who use this power to sleep around. I am a respectable man whom has taken strong pride in working my way up by sweat and lack of sleep. I am influenced to remain shy of engaging with those lower on the hierarchy of the work ladder by my peers. I am not one that has been known to become easily swayed by others but I can see how this looks. Is there anyway to approach this without being labeled and without causing a stir? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,

No, there is absolutely no way to avoid this and anyone who thinks otherwise is so far removed from reality, you should give them crayons to dram their next steps in life. The truth is that the labels are there, a secretary sleeping with the boss is never equal and never respectable. As long as one person possesses power over the other whether status or genuine power, there is no equality, which is why Doctors or Lawyers should never sleep with their patients/clients. One person has entered the relationship with more power over the other and this will forever remain as such. I don’t know what type of relationship you are seeking but do not mislead yourself or her. Should you choose to pursue this, do so for reasons genuine to self and never lose sight of who you are. Remain the President of the company that sweated profusely and slept little to hold a position to make a difference. Do not allow a situation like a work fling to destroy that. Good luck and please keep me posted.

MR. LOVER MAN ADDS:

Sleeping with the boss is something that has been age old. Far less has truly benefitted and often those that have, in some form or fashion has been labeled accordingly (ex: Monica Lewinsky). The best way to succeed is to earn it and never compromise who you are for a short cut that could end by keeping you labeled and forcing higher ups to never respect you enough to give you a chance for growth at work. Be the best you at all times because your work fling is not a secret, men at work talk more than women at work and that’s often because men at work feel they can. More men are at power and hold status in this world than women and that’s by a huge margin. 60& of men and 70% of women lose respect for you in that situation. Much blessings to all and earn yours off your back. Much respect.

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IS YOUR SEX HEALTHY?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I love your blog site and I know you will answer straight up. I am trying to figure out if I have a healthy sexual relationship. What would you consider a healthy one? Samantha  :)

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Samantha,

Thank you so much for your kindness. A healthy sexual relationship entails of many components, I’ll gladly share with you some. First and foremost, both partners should feel pleased almost equally with the activities that are going on. Neither one should ever feel forced and unable to say “NO” when applicable. There should be a mutual respect before and afterwards where both parties can feel as if they weren’t placed in a situation of disgust. Trust is a strong component of a healthy relationship and both parties should feel safe in the arms of their partner’s sexual history and present activities. There can be an individual component that pleases a couple that they may determine “healthy” but these are general and applies in most instances. Hope this helped you and please keep in touch.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

What can be done to increase the sexual drive in my husband? He has issues with erection and is embarrassed about it. I will not let that make me cheat because he is the man I love and want. I am frustrated but I feel bad more than frustrated. Help us. From “Love without a limit”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Love without a limit”,

It is said by the experts in the field that it isn’t much about the drive per say but whether the drive has ever reached its potential. Each person’s drive is limited and in every relationship differs. There are many factors as to why his drive may have diminished; stress, money issues, eating fried or greasy foods, long term smokers, and all sorts of emotional and physical conditions all play a part in the diminishing. I honor you for not bailing out and for sticking it through. It will get better and you will love it in the future. As treatment or intervention is injected in this situation for whatever the cause may be, the erection difficulty diminishes, the desire increases and a new confidence is formed. Do not pressure him where additional stress forms, only setting him further back. Instead, continue to be the supportive force you are and trust me when I say, when he finds his “mojo” again, he will give to you what no one has. Good luck with everything and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Is cybersex cheating? Is it unhealthy and how can I get my woman to accept it? She is against it and I love it. I think it offers ideas we can use in real life, she thinks only perverts do it and I want her to be more open minded. Thank you, Anonymous.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

Cybersex being labeled cheating is something you have to discuss with your partner. I know many who would say it is and some who would feel it is harmless. I for one consider it cheating but like I said, your partner may not. You should open those lines of communication and respect how your partner feels. The best way to open her up to it is to allow her to experience it with you and walk her through how it turns you on. Tell her what it is you want to do to her and then proceed to doing so. Make it something visual for her to see what she will feel later on. It’s not impossible to get her to be more open but do not force it upon he, she is entitled how she feels as well. Importantly, it is a known statistic that spending 11 plus hours in a week on internet sex sites is a clear sign of psychological distress. At this rate online sex interferes with real sex and other avenues of life which can increase a strong risk of dependence to this cybersex world. Be moderate with you activities and never allow it to replace what you have. Good luck, keep me posted.

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