Saturday, February 25, 2012

TIMING IS EVERYTHING


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I need some help on how to get over this guy that I’m really into. I know its love and I really can’t stop thinking about him. I have had this feeling for about 9 months. We had a great sexual experience and we went out a few times but have been friends before that.

We ended up having a huge argument that was pointless and then we stopped talking for a while. He now has a girlfriend who he loves. I love him. I’m a beautiful woman and many other guys have asked me out but I just want him. I know I can't have him. How can I get over him?? Sally



MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Sally,
This is one of those unfortunate situations where no matter what is said, it won’t feel right because you have your heart and mind set on what you want. Reality offers a different option than one you wish for. If this was a cheesy movie, someone would tell you to go for yours and take what’s yours but the reality is that he has moved on and is open about loving his present girlfriend. I think it is safe to say he is happy. His happiness should make you smile if the love is real. I know it hurts but one way of getting over someone is to reprogram yourself to do so. Every time you have thoughts of him, you must remind yourself at that very moment that it cannot be. You have to constantly tell yourself this and it slowly removes the hope, the want and the wishing of something that will not be. It never feels good at first but ultimately you will be free and appreciate the good times and understand that your time with him prepared you for someone even more amazing. Keep me posted, good luck.



Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I dated this girl for 3 years. We spent every moment with each other. We talked about our future together, having kids and the whole nine. I loved her so much; but we went through some rough times. Money issues mounted and we kept arguing.

Stupidly I allowed my friends to convince me that the money situation would not get better because she was in school full time and I couldn’t afford the relationship. It sounded logical at the time. I no longer believe this but originally I tried as hard as I could to detach myself from her. I broke off communication in an attempt to let go fully and I haven't actually ever been truly happy.

I have dated in the last 8 months on and off and feel empty without her. She has dated and sometimes she texts me and it's kind of awkward between us and I want it to be like it was. How can I have a conversation with her that will let her know that I want to be with her again in a way that let her knows what I want without being too strong? Thank you, from: Johnny Rocket.



MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Johnny Rocket,
I understand this is a hard time and before I answer your question, let me say that your decision to let go was idiotic and childish and I can only imagine the hurt it caused. I can only hope that you guys can move past that (whether friends or lovers). The thing here is that you have to embrace honesty and come clean. You have to let her know what you feel without aggressively imposing your wants. Slowly introduce how you feel in a basic conversation while discussing something pleasant like a good moment you both mutually shared. Allow her response to determine whether she is ready for your expressed feelings. When the conversation feels open, inject yourself slowly. Tell her what you miss; tell her how wrong you were because it is not only about you. You owe her more than an apology; you owe her a sincere explanation. Ultimately you will have a clear position in this situation, whether it’s the one you wish for or not. Respect her stance and be supportive. Maturity must set in. Good luck and keep me posted.



Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have a very close friend that I have fallen in love with. It kills me everytime these women take advantage of his kindness. He is too good for the woman he is dating. I want to express how I feel to him but I find myself too damn busy being his shoulder because she is always hurting him. Should I just tell him how I feel? Thank you sir. Anonymous



MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
I honor your friendship and I am very sure he does the same. There are a few things I want to say and please pay close attention. After every painful breakup it is most healthy that the person hurt should have time alone. Going from one situation to another only covers the last hurt but never heals it. Ultimately it will resurface in the wrong situation which can cause both parties to be hurt. Continue to be a wonderful friend and remind him how important a relationship is with being friends first. Slowly give hints that are comforting but not too aggressive. Help him understand his worth and guide him to warmth. Your friendship will be key. This stage in the friendship should be a bit more endearing. When hugging him, let him feel your embrace a little bit differently. When he is venting, it is ok to gently touch his cheek. Smile into his eyes but do it periodically because he needs time to heal. Thank you for your question and please keep me posted.
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Saturday, February 4, 2012

DATING HURDLES

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a successful black woman and I am having trouble finding a good black man that appreciates my success. I always hear that men of color envy us successful black women and that’s probably why I am having a hard time dating. Can you tell me what’s the issue with these men? “Strong Black Queen”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Strong Black Queen”,
The issue is probably you as a person. Your ignorance of these men is so visible that you probably turn them off on the initial conversation. For the record, men are not intimidated by the education and successes of women. Women are more in college than men, we know this and we don’t mind it at all. A man wants an educated and successful woman or one working on her successes. The ones that don’t are the ones that usually lack self-confidence and are a bit more immature than others. If those are the only men you are attracting then you need to re-evaluate that. Too often it is misunderstood that of black men is that "black men are intimidated by successful black women." The success isn't what disconnects men and women it's the perceived attitude that comes with the education and success. If two people make each other feel valued and appreciated, then the relationship will work despite educational or professional successes. It is great to be happy with one has done but that isn’t everything about a person. Give people to learn more about to you from within. Date without wearing stereotypes on your eyes and you will see things better. Good luck and keep me posted.



Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a tall woman. I stand at 6 feet 2 inches and I am always having trouble with finding someone to date. One time these two guys approached my friend and I and both were very interested in me until I stood up. I saw the look in their faces and saw the amount of attention I was receiving fade away. I don’t know what to do. It gets depressing because I don’t know what to do about it. Help me please. “Tall But Fun”



MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Tall But Fun”,
There are men that are shorter and are not comfortable with dating taller women because they are more concerned with how it “looks” to other people. Those types of people you do not need directly in your life because they are a headache waiting to happen. I will say this, being that so many narrow minded people over look you (no pun intended) the ones that do show interest are more likely to be open minded individuals and a better catch than the ones who are too superficial and narrow minded. You can appreciate the person for who they are minus the concerns of height differences.
Listen, the fact of the matter is whether you wear heels or flats, you are going to be tall. Embrace it and don’t feel any shame from it. Men love confident women, tall or short. Utilize your gifts and be a better person from within. If any guy doesn’t you due to your height, that’s fine because someone will probably not want them for being too short. Continue to focus on the better you and I promise you that you will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Good luck and please keep me posted.



Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong with dating. I'm letting my guard down and am going to spill my guts. First and foremost I have a lot to offer. I'm a good person, confident, and successful. I was in the service for 9 years traveled and continued my education. I'm far from needy or insecure but it’s come to a point where I feel like any person I've taken any sort of interest for seems to leave and for what appears to me as no reason at all. I currently coach a swim team, volunteer, run marathons, run 3 offices for a successful company, have my own money, own life, own home and a great family. I love to laugh am fit very sarcastic into all sorts of music activities and sports. I have a good head on my shoulder and I have no problem with men approaching me. I don't want to sound conceited but I've worked hard for what I've got. I'm not a gold digger or rude by any means.

 Anyways, I've been back in the dating scene for two years and haven't passed a 3rd date. It’s so frustrating. Yes, sometimes it’s my fault because I realized the person wasn't for me but for example the most recent guy... I really enjoyed his company. We met online, spoke for a couple months and had a date early Dec. It was more my fault then his because of both of our schedules we had to plan in advance. Keep in mind both of us have busy schedules and children. From the get go we never spoke or text daily but would randomly have conversations anywhere from weekly to bi weekly. We finally met up and had a great night. Following the date he informed me he had a great time and would like to take me for dinner again. A week or 2 passed we exchanged Christmas cards (I sent one first) it was simple and humorous. Anyways, I received tickets to an event and asked if he'd like to join me. He replied I’d love to. We had our 2nd date for Jan. 14th. We continued talking after and then he cancelled. The day prior he sent me several messages and I quote, “Hey, Hope u are doing good. I did some sledding of my own with the kids tonight. Pretty cold out there but lots of fun.  Definitely not warm like Dallas was. Can't complain though, we've had it easy so far this winter. You are going to HATE me, but I'm going to have to cancel for tomorrow. I'm so sorry and sad that I can't make it. I don't want to give u a lame excuse over text so let me know if u can chat tonight or tomorrow.  I'm so sorry, I feel terrible about it especially the short notice.   I'll pay u for the tickets if u had to purchase them, I'm serious.  Blue man would have been fun, but hanging out and seeing u again is what I was really looking forward too! It sucks." Okay so at first I was hurt and disappointed but I'm not going to say that. So I responded the next day with: I’m disappointed you can't make it but I understand things happen. The following morning I sent him a text, “I had a great time last night! Wish you could have made it. Don’t feel bad either, save that for when the packers win today!"

Guy. I'm glad u had a great time last night. Again, I'm so sorry. Because I feel terrible for canceling on you, I'll wish your packers well today. .. and the fact that they are down 10 points late in the game has nothing to do with it.

Me... Ha-ha funny guy, can I ask you something?

Guy: Sure
(next day)

Me: Good morning! Sorry, my phone died last night. I was just reading some refinance offer from the bank for some of our properties yesterday and there was one thing I didn’t understand. I was going to "take advantage of you" ;) and ask for a better explanation since you are well-versed in that sort of thing but I’m meeting with our attorneys at 10 today so I’ll just bother them. Lol Thank you anyways, have a great day!

This was last Monday the last contact I've had with him. What happened? I don't want to initiate contact more than him. I'm not sure where I went wrong??? If he wouldn't have contacted me after the first date I would have assumes he wasn't interested and let go. I don't know if he's just that busy he has contacted (I know he had the kids this weekend) or was this his polite hint to me that he's not interested. Usually not hearing from him in a week I wouldn't think anything of it but since he canceled I can't help but wonder. Should I let him make the next step or should I reach out to him? If I reach out I'm worried he's just so nice maybe he'd reply anyways??? I don't know anymore please help!!! Thanks PS I know I sound crazy but I can assure you I'm not! Anonymous



MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
In you mentioning all the good things about yourself, I wonder if you are overlooking your flaws. We all have them and maybe your inability to acknowledge them or address them is something that is working against you. There are some males who are intimidated by the successes of a good woman; those males are not needed in your circle. There are also men who wish to see beyond the successes of a woman and maybe they only see the successes. There could be a few things going on here for the overall dealings with different dates. The one particular example you mention, I would say that there is no need to dwell on any person who doesn’t wish to keep you in their world. If only for educational purposes, then I understand, other than that, it’s pointless. He could have very well been slowly pulling away from you and saw a window when you phone battery died. Also, the lack of contact (bi-weekly or weekly) probably made him think there wasn’t going to be much growth or room for it. There could be a dozen reasons, but I do know one thing, you will never know by playing the contact/no contact game. Pride is senseless in cases like this because if you reach out and speak straight up seeking a direction and he opts out, at least you know. The most mature person usually reaches out and asks for the direction of the situation. Don’t be concerned with the games or the response. Play your part by asking honestly and seeing if the interest is enough to continue communication. If not, move forward. As for the general sense of the dating world, it isn’t about anything other than learning people. As long as you take time to learn the other person at a respectful pace and give the least you can about you unless asked, then you will be fine. Acknowledge your flaws and make no excuses for them, they are who you are as well as all those things you mentioned about yourself earlier. Good luck and keep me posted.
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