SLEEPING WITH THE BOSS & THE RESPECT YOU DO NOT GET

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I need your help like yesterday. I am married but I got caught up into a relationship at work with a supervisor and now it’s beginning to affect my relationship at home. My supervisor doesn’t want more than sex but he is somewhat reckless with his communication and my husband is beginning to catch on. How can I ease my way out of the one at work & fix my relationship at home without ruining my chances of productivity at work? Respectfully Mrs. Rock & a Hard Place

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mrs. Rock & a Hard Place”,

First thing is that in you search to slide your way out of sleeping with a supervisor, you neglect the disrespect and lack of regard to your husband. Your decision to cheat and lie has placed you in a situation with a supervisor who does not respect you as his actions show with his clear disrespect to your marriage at home as his form of communication is reckless. He does not care about whether you get caught or not because he has power over you and you are too weak to confront it. You rather risk hurting you husband who probably is supportive and loving than confront your supervisor about his blatant disrespect of your home. You are a weasel of the worst kind, however, there is a way to change this position you are in.

First thing you have to do is let your supervisor know the importance of your marriage (if that truly exists) and why the situation you have with him can no longer exists and anything outside of professionalism is on zero tolerance. If this is not something the supervisor will accept, any conversation further than that should be recorded without his knowledge. You will need to cover yourself as all too often, when the female the boss is screwing gets boring or wants to return home, it has been reported to not settle well with the power mongering boss.

Do something amazing for your husband, as a matter of fact, be amazing for you husband, more so for yourself and focus all the extra marital sex on your husband. You need to grow up and make mature decisions. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I feel played and humiliated at work. My boss is a dog and I fell into his chauvinistic ways. Here is my story: My boss came across as a charming man, someone respectful and always complimenting me. I really thought he was different and after a month of relations it seems like he is doing the same exact thing he did with me to the new girl and I am beyond livid. I can already sense how others are looking at me and I am humiliated. I want to confront him, no, I want to rip his head off and key his car but I can’t afford to lose my job. Please help me. Thank you, “Used”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Used”,

There is not much that can be done other than embrace the fact that he played you so now focus on moving forward. It’s not easy and I understand how humiliated you feel but ultimately you have to work in that environment and you need to do what you must to further educate yourself to qualify for a higher position and be the example for change. You can use your experience to help others; you can take what you have learned and move forward. Unfortunately this is too common at the workplace and something that will not just simply stop as the power given with title is abused in many ways. You will have to learn to protect yourself from further advances from males at the workplace as once it is known, usually others hone in to try and take advantage of what can be labeled the “easy girl”. You need to focus on why you were hired and what it is you have to do at work. Don’t try to be anything other than a hard worker.

It is known that 17% of women have slept with their bosses and only about 30% felt any type of benefit. Most of the time it is the boss using the position as a degrading means to sex whomever they feel will fall for it. You need to focus more on the best you and do not allow this dirtbag to determine your worth. Do not run from the topic and do not give him any other attention outside of the professionalism to co-exist. Other than that, never lose sight that he is a scum bag who is not in the department of change. You need to focus on being in that department. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am the President of a particular company and I find myself fantasizing about the secretary. I do not wish to be labeled as one of those with power who use this power to sleep around. I am a respectable man whom has taken strong pride in working my way up by sweat and lack of sleep. I am influenced to remain shy of engaging with those lower on the hierarchy of the work ladder by my peers. I am not one that has been known to become easily swayed by others but I can see how this looks. Is there anyway to approach this without being labeled and without causing a stir? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,

No, there is absolutely no way to avoid this and anyone who thinks otherwise is so far removed from reality, you should give them crayons to dram their next steps in life. The truth is that the labels are there, a secretary sleeping with the boss is never equal and never respectable. As long as one person possesses power over the other whether status or genuine power, there is no equality, which is why Doctors or Lawyers should never sleep with their patients/clients. One person has entered the relationship with more power over the other and this will forever remain as such. I don’t know what type of relationship you are seeking but do not mislead yourself or her. Should you choose to pursue this, do so for reasons genuine to self and never lose sight of who you are. Remain the President of the company that sweated profusely and slept little to hold a position to make a difference. Do not allow a situation like a work fling to destroy that. Good luck and please keep me posted.

MR. LOVER MAN ADDS:

Sleeping with the boss is something that has been age old. Far less has truly benefitted and often those that have, in some form or fashion has been labeled accordingly (ex: Monica Lewinsky). The best way to succeed is to earn it and never compromise who you are for a short cut that could end by keeping you labeled and forcing higher ups to never respect you enough to give you a chance for growth at work. Be the best you at all times because your work fling is not a secret, men at work talk more than women at work and that’s often because men at work feel they can. More men are at power and hold status in this world than women and that’s by a huge margin. 60& of men and 70% of women lose respect for you in that situation. Much blessings to all and earn yours off your back. Much respect.

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ESTABLISHING CONTACT FOR CLARITY

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a woman who has to deal with alot. I have a three year old son and his father is serving in the military. He is a marine. I respect what hes doing but I am lonely without him. This skyping and letters and occasional contact is not fo me but I dont want to come across as insensitive. I find myself needing sex and I feel like he made a decision to be a marine so I shouldnt have to suffer. There are plenty og guys that hit on me in neighborhood who would keep it a secret and I'm thinking about it. Please help me with this decision. Im throbbing. Thank you far in advance. "Ms. in Need"

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Ms. In Need",

I understand that you feel he made some decision that left you alone but you must see the greater good of the decision he made and how there can be so much positivity from this investment of time. You feel lonely and horny and maybe you feel the only way to relieve that is to cheat on the man who risks his life to what Im sure he believes is keeping you and his three year old son safe, but the reality is you can learn to service and try to remember his sacrifice nd risk of his life to make the world of his girlfriend and son a better one. Cheating never has a valid excuse, it isnt the situation that makes you cheat, its who you are and the situation is a pathetic excuse. Weigh the relationship and how much it means to you and communicate that. Focus on greater of the relationship. To even entertain the though of sleeping with locl men (who will NOT keep it a secret) is disgusting. He deserves much more respect than that for his sacrifices and you should remember that a selfish decision can alter the life of your son and his father in you world. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My wife has some behavior that is leading me to believe she is cheating on me with her boss. First thing is that lately he has been purchasing gifts fo her. Some shipped by mail and some she comes home with. He is a married man and I dont understand why he is so invested in my wife. My wife has spent less time at home, saying she is focusing on work but she isnt making more money and she is spending more. I went on her computer and saw posted on her memory aticles pertaining to "Sleeping with my boss". This is very disturbing. She has sent him late night texts and locks the bedroom door when she is on the phone. She has puchased sexy underwear that I have yet to see her wear. Our sex is rushed and she doesnt show any interest. I know im being played and I have done all I can. Help. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

Cheating appears to be the clear action and although I do not believe in assumptions, this one seems like the clear answer. I think you should confront the situation and clearly communicate you concerns and your unwillingness to have this happen. The problem is that the chances of her stopping is slim to none. People who sleep with their bosses (most of the time) do not determine the end of the sexual relationship, the boss does and as long as he has the power of being the boss, this will remain a problem. I think you may have to actually consider another plan of life that may have you both seperating and divorcing. The endless gifts from the boss and the bold disrespect to ship them to your home shows his lack and her lack of respect for you. As long as you accept this, there is no reason for it to end. If the home is in you name, you should consider legal action to have her removed from it. Take this opportunity to think about whats best for you and make decisions pulled away from emoton. I usually opt for reconcilliation and some form of mutual meeting that leads to a civil break or working things out. However, in my experience, when the level of disrespect is this high, it rarely can be reconstructed to a mutual respectful level. I am sorry that you have to face this type of behavior but you have to come to terms with yourself and after you diverse a plan to eithe make this work or make the break, you can sit her down and lay you cards on the table. You come first. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am dating a guy for about 6 weeks and lately he has not been in contact as he was the previous few weeks. Is this his way of telling me indirectly that he is losing interest? Should I pursue or should I let this fizzle out? Your opinion is valued. Thank you. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Im not one to make time the reason for stages in a relationship because I believe in individuality, however, one can make a few things of this. One is that in only 6 weeks, it is hard to make that assumption with certainty. His schedule may not be as free as it was in the very beginning or he may be thinking as you are and is slowly shying away because of the same reason you are almost willing to shy away. In a relationship that is to be successful it takes both parites to pursue. This is not high school where one wits a time period for the guy to call or whatever childishness is out there. You have to establish contact for clarity. Ask him about his honest opinion about where the direction of the relationship should or is going. Let his answer determine the position of the relationship. If he is uncertain then you have to be certain. If he wishes to go further then you have to sure where you stand. Communication will set you free. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man...
i want to breakup with my lover, cuz he dont understand me, and we fight for no reason.. is it right to leave him ? he isnt ready for it..wat am i to do ? I cant continue.. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,

A situation like yous depends on the level of extremity in the lack of communication. There are times when people assume others should understand them because they share a relationship but how clear you think youre coming across and how he is receiving you can be two different things. Im not pointing blame here as there are many options to whats wrong but one thing is for sure, before you abandon ship, if you tuly want this to wok then you will have to be the communicator that epresses exactly how you feel. You have to be able to allow him to receive your message, ask for clarity and give him a mature moment to respond. If you dont want it to work then do not drag him any further into a relationship that you ae not involved in. Good luck and keep me posted.

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UNWANTED: THE EX.. $0 REWARD.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My girlfriend gives me signs that she isn’t completely over her ex. She talks about him when we are watching movies. She will bring him up and say “Oh we did this before” and she still texts/calls him daily. She claims they are friends but this is everyday and I’m very uncomfortable and losing feelings. What should be my next move? Thank you for your advice “John”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “John”,
This is where communication and true expression of your feelings are a must. Sit her down, do not wait until it happens again but sit her down and express your feelings about the situation. I never see the relevance of calling and texting an ex daily. That is a clear sign that there still exists feelings that can threaten your relationship, however, this also shows that your partner may not be ready to be in a committed relationship. These are things you have to clearly express. You should not be subjected to having to “live with” her ex every day of your relationship. That’s not fair and it is not healthy for the progress of your relationship.
The thing that gets me about these situations is that you have went on quietly without expressing yourself that it is almost like you indirectly condoned the actions. Do not forget to tell her what this is doing to your feelings in this relationship. You both have to make a mature decision about where you both stand. Maybe she feels it is ok and will not budge on the topic. If that is the case then you need to make a decision that will make you happy. Weigh out the options but never compromise your happiness. The ex is the ex and you are the current. I think it is nice if people can break up and remain friends but daily calls and texts are absurd. That isn’t healthy at all. Stand firm but caring in your stance. Good luck and keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am not feeling good about the situation I’m in. My man and his ex are hanging out once a week and always chatting it up on Facebook and whatever else they are doing. At first I tried to overlook that because I’m not a jealous type of lady but it’s going too far. When my ex contacted me to be friends, my man was not happy so I cut ties. He won’t even cut his for me and I feel like he still loving his ex. I don’t like this and don’t want to come off like I’m jealous, what do I do? “Anonymous”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
Often when you have a feeling that something is going on, it just might be. When your partner worries about you and your ex being friends, which gives a clear sign that they worry something may happen because of how possible it could happen with him in his situation. You need to stop him in his tracks and talk to him. You have the very right to express your feelings, not in an accusatory manner, but in the matter of concern and to allow your honest feelings to surface. Do not worry about coming off jealous because as long as it is your honest concern and feelings that you are explaining then any civil individual would understand. One of the biggest cancers to a relationship is the relationship of the ex-boy/girlfriend. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m confused about where I want to be. I am starting to have feelings for my ex again. Ever since she reached out to me on FaceBook and we have been chatting, I feel like we can get past the things that broke us up. She has been trying to get with me but I have a girl. I told her this and she really is making changes to make it right. I love my girl but I still love my ex. Now I don’t know who I really want. My question is, how will I know which one is the one I want? “Mr. No Name”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mr. No Name”,
This confusion you claim is entirely your fault. When one of both of these females becomes hurt, it is entirely your fault. The problem with many people (you included) is that they assume that moving on to another relationship is the key to getting over the last one and it is not. You should have either made the final attempt to fix things with your ex or took sufficient time to get over it before you entered another relationship. The notion that you have allowed your ex back in to make these attempts, even though you are involved makes you some off like an inconsiderate asshole. Have you no care for you current partner? One should never allow the chase of another when in a committed relationship. You should have remained as firm as you wished your partner to be in the same situation had the roles been reversed. Now you have to own up to these actions and step forward honestly to your partner and tell her where you stand. You asked how will you know, well you wouldn’t have to ask if you knew, which clearly shows that it is you that isn’t ready for the committed relationship. You may need more time to settle things within before you invite someone into your world for inevitable heartache. You have to be honest first with self and then to the others. This situation is going to hurt someone, it is best to step forward now before the hurt deepens. Good luck, keep me posted.


Signs that your partner isn’t over the ex: One good sign is that they keep mementos to always reminisce out and to always hold on to. It is not healthy if your partner has these mementos posted publicly while in another relationship. Those are definitely red lights going off. Another sign is the increase of contact, which is not something that should be happening, especially while in a relationship with another. There are other signs such as saying their name when speaking to you, over usage of the ex’s stories or the comparison’s of the ex with you or anyone. Someone unwilling to talk about the ex at all is also a sign that they are not over the ex. Some people avoid the discussion people they can’t bear to talk about it without feelings arising.


Do not accuse or assume, instead express concerns of your personal feelings. This can always be worked through if both partners are committed to making it work. This can and will only work with communication. Allow your partner to feel as if this isn’t your feelings against them but instead it is you reaching out to work on this together. Take time to learn the next person as an individual and not as the person the ex is or isn’t. Let time work for you and stop thinking it’s against you. Be cautious and patient, be honest and caring but always be you. Good luck to all and never let the next suffer because of the ex. Learn the individual.


Mr. Lover Man’s words..
The case of the Ex vs. the Next is so old yet so cancerous in too many relationships. People tend to run to another relationship to attempt to ease the heartache of the last one and it only causes confusion and misleads the partner. It is always best to take time to work within and let one’s heart heal before one misleads self and others to thinking the next situation is as purely perceived as it should be.

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JEALOUSY & POSSESIVENESS: THE SIBLINGS OF DESTRUCTION

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am really having a dilemma, I want to get rid of this very clingy guy but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. How should I go about it? He creeps me out a little bit with the way he goes from sweet to upset in a second over small things. He calls too much asking me too many questions and always wants to take me to places that I have to go. HELP! “Anonymous”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
This sounds like there was a progression of possession here. I’m very sure there were signs because there always are. However, what happens is many women tend to think a little jealousy is cute and even goes along way but when you nurture that jealousy just like anything else, it grows, and in this case it grows to creep-ville. The first thing I want you to do is remain calm and honest. That is very important and when confronting this individual about the choices you are making, make sure someone(s) are in the area. Possessive and jealous people have been known to use physical force to attempt to defy the end when their words can no longer do so. His flip flop in emotions can mean many things, could be mental illness but also could be an out of control abuser waiting to be surfaced. Either way, you know you want out and you must stick to that. Now, you do not have to be mean, being firm and honest isn’t equivalent to being mean. If the calls persist and other things grow without him getting the hint, you must contact your local authorities because you can not underestimate someone in a possessive or jealous rage. Please be safe and keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am not the type to argue or complain but my man is the only person to have brought it out of me. He never allows me to have a point of view and I am beginning to feel like he is abusive. He never hit me but he over talks my ever idea and no longer lets me live my social life that I always had. I love him but things changed. He really is possessive and I don’t like feeling like a prisoner. Save our relationship Mr. Lover Man. Thank you. “Mary”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mary”’
That is views as a form of abuse. You have the right to feel that way. In any situation in life, when you feel discomfort you MUST mention it and say so in the very beginning. Ignoring or forcing yourself to tolerate is the quiet way of accepting and saying its ok. In this situation it is NOT ok. A possessive partner is not a safe partner. You must remember that you are not his car, sofa or television and that you also have time and emotion invested in this relationship. There is a union and partnership that must be respected, if not, it has failed. You have to express these hurts and you have to express what you miss. Remind him who you are in his life and your position by his side, tell him you are willing to fight enough that you recommend therapy or professional intervention. People can’t turn of jealousy and possessiveness overnight. This is something that has been growing for quite some time and you need to end it asap. You have to tell him the importance of your social life and the importance of him having one as well. You do not want him to be dominating. There is a difference with masculinity and possessive. They do not have anything to do with each other. I need you to be truthful and expressive. If he is unwilling to make accommodations and seek help then you need to consider the harsh realities. One is that there is a great (almost guaranteed) chance that he will always do this, he will end up hitting on you and/or verbally abuse you to the point that he owns you because of diminishing esteem. You need to determine your value, not him. You need to take one final stand for this relationship. If he won’t, then you walk away. Good luck and please keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My wife just changed on me like a chameleon. She went from affection and love to jealous and psycho. All I did was put a ring on her finger. Now she acts like she owns me. I have lost my own time because of this. She wants every second of my life. I need a breather, the marriage is worth fighting for and I love my wife but this is pushing me somewhere. Give me some tips so I turn this frog back to my queen. “Rob”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Rob”,
Your wife probably displayed slight hints of this and you may have tolerated it, blinded by the good. It happens too many but now that you are not only bonded by the heart but by law, it makes the sense of urgency a bit more. You need to honestly sit your wife down respectfully and honestly express your feelings about this. Ultimately there has to be ground made and she has to be willing to make changes because your marriage and the happiness that should have accompanied it depend on it. She may not even realize the costs of her actions and you don’t need to throw ultimatums in her face but just honestly express how it is affecting you. Let her express herself and her willingness to make changes, if she isn’t willing to then you have to ask yourself, how much are you willing to take before you walk away for good. Happiness is yours, never throw it away in an unhealthy relationship. Good luck and keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
If my boyfriend loves me why does he talk down to me? I stay at home, I cook, clean and do things a girl should. I don’t understand why he has to treat me like I’m not doing my thing. What should I do to make him understand? “Anonymous”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Anonymous",
Disgustingly, he does this to criticize so you can feel bad about yourself. This is to destroy your self esteem. The rationale (although pathetic) is that If you don't feel good about yourself then you will believe that no one else truly wants you for you. Then he has opened the forum to remind you how much he loves you or to impress upon you that you are lucky to have him so you never run off. This can turn to fear and a loss for inner self to the point that you end up believing that crap. He wants to dominate and own you; he wants to crack your will and your sense of independence so that you depend on him. You have already accepted the gender roles of what you believe a “girl should do” instead of having a partnership. You need to nip any down talk in the bud and remind him that he is to never speak to you like this. You are not his property, you are his partner and if he chooses to want property, you must remove yourself from this situation. These situations only lead to violence and every form of abuse. When words no longer have an effect, possessive and jealous men result to fist and feet. Please be safe, honest and firm. You are worth more. You must believe that. Please keep me posted. Good luck.


SOME KEYS TO SPOTTING THE POSSESSIVE OR JEALOUS PERSON
If their opinions of how you look are always condescending or in doubt.
Putting you down constantly.
Over excessive calls and/or always asking your whereabouts and the next move you make.
Always injecting self to take you everywhere you have to go.
Lack of esteem or outlook. Always in a bind (often fake) to make you run to his aide.
Angered about minor things way too often.
Doesn't communicate well but chooses to debate or argue instead.
 
Please be careful and never assume another person's position. Don't assume one day he/she will change, you must demand it and you must make sure you see it, if not you must evacuate the relationship. Good luck. Thank you for reading.

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REVENGE FOR THE BROKEN HEART...BUT WHAT ABOUT THE UNHEARD VICTIM..

How far would you go to avenge your broken heart? How far are you willing to take a situation when the one you claim to love has broken your heart? When is it enough?



Unfortunately in many situations, the end is inevitable and too often there are those that cannot accept the concept of an end to a relationship. In such cases some have keyed cars, have approached new relationships with bitterness and even approached their ex’s new love with rumors and lies to keep him/her as unhappy as the self. What about the unheard victim such as children or family? When is it enough?


One particular story I am aware of finds a man whom is tired of his relationship and wants an end to it. The mother of his 6 year old son has broken the final straw by cheating on him and he is done with her.


This didn’t sit well with her and the thought of her being without him sent her to a state of mind that even her child’s father never thought possible. She has taken the child and disappeared. The father tries to contact her, but, to no avail as she ignores it knowing the hurt he would feel and that it should match what she felt with him leaving her. She ignored the fact that her son has begun to be affected by this psychologically.


After a period of days of no contact and filing a missing persons report only to be told that it is not kidnapping because she is the mother, the father felt exhausted and alone. He turned to the family court system for assistance. In doing so further infuriating his son’s mother, she decided to “up the ante” and called the police on him with a report of abuse and fabrications of past abuse that he allegedly committed onto her person.


She was thinking “This is what he gets for going to court”, unfortunately the man is arrested, held on bail until bailed out and had to fight this court case for about two years before being proven innocent of such horrendous false charges. Now one may think that it is justice that he was proven not guilty but so much has happened in the two yrs and thousands of dollars invested in proving his innocence. The mother did not serve him with a court summons and claimed she did and in doing this, the father never showed to court, granting her an order of protection for her and their son for two years by default because he never showed up.


As she was feeling a victory on her side, she neglected the psychological trauma and hurt being inflicted upon her child. Instead she comforted herself with other men.


She found herself pregnant and unsure of the father so she pinned it on someone she liked most. This man has two kids of his own and she does her best to make the kids like her, neglecting her own in the process. This continues to affect the psyche of the child she carried for 9 months, all in the wrath of avenging a broken heart.


The courts deny him custody, as his criminal case (although proven not guilty) biased the family court judge and only allows him after a year and a half of no contact to see his child every other weekend.


There is considerable damage here to this relationship of father & son but unbeknownst to the mother, her relationship with her son has begun been damaged as well. In her conquest to “show him” a thing or two for leaving her, she forgot to be a mother.


Time passes and the father and son have bonded as strong as before and sadly the son begins to express all the hurt he endures in his setting with two step siblings who constantly pick on him and a half sibling who has taken all the attention. He is not allowed to play sports because no one has time to take him or pick him up from extracurricular activities, he has become sheltered within and is now being bullied in school and only feels safe every two weekends.


The school refuses to intervene as the father pleas to investigate the bullying as they are also biased by the fathers previous order of protection to stay away from his child and mother of his child. Once again the son suffers. So I ask again, when is it enough? And wouldn’t moving on have been not just the smartest choice but the one that displayed the most strength? Taking the evil vengeful way has consequences but unfortunately isn’t thought clearly when one is in heartbreak mode.


What would you have done and when is this type of behavior enough?


I dare and challenge you to comment.

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LOST AND CONFUSED.. REPEATING THE CYCLE

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My life is in circles and I don’t know where to turn to. I find myself attracted to the wrong people over and over again. I keep dealing with the tough street person knowing they are no good and they end up cheating on me or talking to me any way they feel they can. I love the aggression at times but not directed to me in a negative way. My friends tell me I am better than them but they physically turn me on. I would like a man who is successful but they don’t seem as tough as these street guys and I need my man to be tough. What should I do because constantly ending up hurt and alone isn’t what I want? Thank you. Circles.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Circles”,
The need for a man to be “tough” gives off the a message that you need a protector of some sorts or maybe someone who can deal with you because you may be difficult at times, however, whatever the case, I see that you have limited yourself when looking for any man to fill those shoes. You said successful men do not seem to be tough and I counter with, you obviously do not know many successful men. It takes a level of toughness that many do not have to be successful. Maybe you are attracted to the street person because you feel inferior to the success type. The root of the problem is you for sure and you can’t complain about something you knew would happen, that’s gets old and tiring fast. Often we avoid what we aren’t used to or won’t venture past our comfort zone because the fear of rejection is more possible. When this occurs, failure is almost a guarantee. You have to want more for yourself, enough that you past your comfort zone and venture into new worlds of possibilities. Don’t take this as a date-a-man-athon because that’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying that you need to dig within and place yourself in better situations so it can open you to a better opportunity with better men. Good luck and please keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I think my husband tries to play me for an idiot. Every time we argue he tries to confuse me by bringing things up that are so off course and I just don’t know what to say so I walk away. It upsets me because I feel like he enjoys these arguments or enjoys trying to win them. Whatever it is it confuses me. What should I do? “Married & Confused”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Married & Confused”,
In a manipulative relationship there is a need of imbalance of power and that usually favors the manipulator. In this case these arguments that often confuse you can be a key to keep power in his grasps. However, you walking away gives you a false sense of control of your action because it was you that stormed off but in reality, he forced that and knew it would happen as it is a repetitive action. The manipulator (your husband) may have you think you have control but it is he who controls that situation. You need to express these concerns to him and before you see the argument arising, immediately inject yourself firmly and eliminate the power by letting him know you know what’s going on and rather talk like mature adults. Showing awareness of this manipulation will often break you free from his manipulating, deceptive ways. This just may be what he is accustomed to as a person, if this continues then this will need to further be addressed with professional help as this can destroy your relationship. Good luck and keep me posted.






Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Hi Mr. Lover Man, I need your help please... I met this guy because of we were introduced by our mutual friend. He just vacationed in Indonesia for a few weeks (He’s a Dutch guy). We had a blind date and he said that he likes me and he told me everything about him. That he's a divorced man because of his wife was cheating on him. And the next day we have spent day together...we holding hands, kissing and slept together (but we didn’t having sex). He just too sweet with me. And then a couple days later he went out to Bali for next vacation, he's there for 3 weeks. But we keep contacted each other. But when he's in vacation he said that he's not ready for any relationship because he can't trusted any women due to his last relationship, but he said he like me and he needs time.
And after he's back we just met once. We had dinner and long conversation about some stuff. We're not talking about this relationship because I’m afraid of it and it's too earlier. He still had 4 days before he flies away to Holland but in the end of that day he said that he doesn’t want to see me again. Cause he doesn’t want to make everything difficult for us. He left me but still contacting me until now.
I can see that he had a very, very bad trauma about his wife cheating, and he doesn’t want had any relationship ever. But, unfortunately, I’m in love with him....I know it's weird but I do. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. But I don't know what I should do to make him trust me and at least open his heart for me. He's afraid if he falling in love again he could be hurt again. What should I do now? I just don't know what to do... Thank you Mr. Lover Man. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
There a couple things here that stand out and I think you are misleading yourself to avoid. One is that the constant message is that he does not wish to venture into a relationship and that he is not ready. The problem here is you give off the impression as if you think you can make him ready and that is something he has to heal from, not something like a gift that you can offer. He is clear with his message and you should not mislead yourself. If you enjoy his company and wish to continue to have it, you have to be honest with yourself as to what the situation is and embrace that without giving yourself away to something that has the chance of not growing. As far as you making him trust you, there isn’t much you can do than to just be yourself if you are truly a trusting person. There is no tactics and methods, or even an act in order to show that you are a trusting person if that is who you truly are. Just simply be you. At this point, it is ok to express self but not overstepping his position. If things start to get intimate, you have to ask where you guys stand because I know you need to protect your heart as well. None should mislead self or the other. Make communication the reason you guys either healthily move forward or safely move apart. Good luck and please keep in touch.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
3yrs ago today, I told my longtime off and on again Boyfriend that it was over and I haven't been the same since. I consistently keep choosing the wrong man. There are good men for others, but not good for me or even to me. Matter of fact, they have all chosen to give their attention to others while they were with me! Getting to know other women and putting me on the sideline. When I have addressed it with all of them, they tried to make it seem like I was crazy. But yet they are now seeing these women therefore just proving me right.
I know I'm the constant in this situation, but I truly don't know how to address it. I'm tired of talking to my single friends because they are in similar boats (unhealthy relationships). I have also tried talking to my step and god brothers and male friends but that goes nowhere fast since they all tell me the same thing "they are jerks and not worthy of you". But it happens again and again. I've changed where I'm meeting folks, opted for different types and all walks of life. But again, I am the constant! So I have recently deduced that I am not "relationship healthy" and this is now sending all my loved ones into a frenzy. You see, I'm in my 30's, engaged twice but never married and I have no children, alive that is. Which is the other issue. My mom has recently started on the "I want to be a grandmother" kick and it just makes me constantly think of my would have been 19yo daughter (No names). It started when my cousin’s daughter (born after mine) who was also named (no names) found out she was pregnant with her second child. But I digress.
My loved ones are screaming at me telling me that I'm crazy for thinking that it's my fault that these guys are all doing the same thing. But umm hello!!!! I am the Constant!!! Everyone feels that I am giving up. But I feel like I'm choosing to focus on my life, my joy and my happiness. But it's very hard especially when dealing with the fact that I am an only child and I know it hurts my parents that I haven't settled down or had a baby yet. The holidays made it worse with all the family photos reminding me that my lil one isn't here. I've joked and said that I was going to a sperm bank and my mother is now pushing that. But who wants to do it alone? I'm not financially ready to do it alone number one. And do I want to pass on this unhealthy relationship thing that I seem to have? Kids pick up on these things and I would try my best to show them how to be a lady and how to love a lady. But I can't teach them how to be a man or how to love a man. I have a lot of love inside me just dying to come out. I spend most of my time counseling others on their marriages and rekindling the fire. But yet, I'm so lost and I just don't know what to do about my situation. Any suggestions?
Lost




MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost”,
Understanding you’re the constant is one thing and avoiding addressing the problem is another. You said that every man has given their attention to another, but before this even occurs, something is going on that isn’t mentioned here and that’s what needs to be addressed. The men get with you because obviously there is attraction there but something diverts their attention away and I am NOT saying its right but I’m saying that’s what needs to be addressed. We all have or had something that pushed/pushes others away and unless we address it, it will continue to do so. An easy cop out is “oh then they weren’t meant to be” but in reality we do lose good people by not addressing that. As for your family, I know all too well about the parents that want to be grandparents but this is about you right now. You do not reproduce life because of the need of another. You must know when you are ready and then make sure this is a decision that you will permanently be happy with. There is no return receipt on children. Do not feel lost in these life choices, start with the inner self and take time healing. There may be a need for professional help which I often recommend because the results are favorable. You have the right to be happy in every avenue of life; the best way to achieve that is happiness from within first. Best wishes and please stay in touch.

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CHEATING: THE MOMENT THAT HURTS MORE THAN A MOMENT

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am at my wits end. Here’s my story in a nutshell, my wife of 8 years (in a relationship 12) and I have 2 beautiful kids which are 5 and 4 years of age. She has been denying cheating on me for months but I noticed the changes, I noticed the hours changed, down to the damn way she looks at me. I decided to pay someone to follow her, take pics and report back to me, (like the show cheaters) and would you believe that I discovered she is cheating with a friend of mine. Now I’m coming to you because I don’t feel comfortable going to my boys about this, my family thinks my wife is a freaking angel and I’m ready to kill someone. What the heck do I do here because I’m ready to hurt my friend for this? Thanks. Angry Man.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Angry Man”,
I need you to erase the thought of doing something violent. No matter the situation, you must understand that knowing the root of the problem is key in reduction of doing something highly regretful. You have kids to think about and freedom to focus on. This is a price to pay to find out two things, one is that your wife and friend aren’t worthy of you in their lives intimately and two that you can be the better man by gracefully bowing out. I need you to trust me on this and not think of this as a less than approach but as a less is more approach. You have the right to confront and express but do not release aggression. You can be honest, firm and emotional but do not under any circumstances be the aggressor in an ugly situation. Let them know how much they hurt you; let them know that you no longer wish them in your life (other than your wife as your children’s mother). However, this is only assuming that you are ending the marriage. If you are not ending it then you need to come to an agreement after and during some professional intervention. Her willingness to participate will determine her willingness to want to work it out. Whichever it is you choose, you have to express your hurt and be given time to heal. You should look into professional help and put you and your kids first. You also have to go to your family, no matter what they think of her, you need support right now. You need to have an outlet and you need to not be alone. Continue to be a good dad and do not let this cause you to do something to remove you from your children. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Are all men destined to cheat? It’s almost like you can’t find a man who knows what he has long enough to appreciate just one before he finds his wandering eyes elsewhere, then his hands and member somewhere new. I’m with this guy who I thought was a good catch, good looking, and great in bed & have a job, but underneath that, he is a cheating asshole who only thinks about himself. How can I find someone not just into himself? Thank you. Sincerely, “Woman That’s Fed Up”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Woman That’s Fed Up”,
First thing, all men are not destined to cheat, however, all the men you presently attract probably are. You ask how you can find someone who isn’t into himself; well the key is to look beyond your eyes. You names three things that made this guy a good man and in reality, none of those say anything about who he is. He has a job, ok, well so do assholes. He is good in bed, ok, well so can anyone if they work it enough. You said he is good looking, and although that may be true, none of these make him a good man outside of bed and to look at. Before you become the bed buddy, learn your partner. Let communication explore who he really is and give an indication of what you really want. Sex before information usually goes wrong and it seems like maybe that’s where you are. Do things that are enjoyable and place him in different environments to see who he is. Take your time; happiness is a great thing to invest in. Take it as it is and do NOT, I repeat do NOT mislead yourself ever. If the signs are there, take it for what it’s worth and not what you wish they would be. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My situation is probably different than others. I have been married to my husband for about 6 years but after the first two years I suspected he cheated on me and I left him for about a year. In that year I ended up having a baby from another man. This man denied getting me pregnant and wanted nothing to do with me. My husband and I tried working it out and I realized that although I suspected he cheated, I never knew if he did or not and had absolutely no proof if he ever did. So we decided to work it out and he said he would raise the baby with me as if it were his own. I want to say that my husband is such a good man and he really stepped into the role as a real man does. If you though all that was complex, here goes the whammy; through Facebook, my baby’s real dad contacted me and said he is sorry and wants to be in the baby’s life but wants to get things right with me first. I will say that I am in love with my husband and despite what this next man has done, I can’t detach from him. He hasn’t pushed to see the baby but wants to see me. I haven’t seen him but one day left the computer on by mistake and my husband saw these messages back and forth and is filing for divorce. I don’t know what to do at all. Please save my marriage. Thank you, if you can do this I’ll be in debt always. “Lost Without Him”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost Without Him”,
Your husband is indeed a good man, the problem here is that (amongst many things) that I’m not sure he was able to fully heal from the fact that his wife got pregnant from another man. So the contact with this man outside of him seeing his child (which he doesn’t seem to care about) is painful in itself but added to the past pain has pushed him out the door. You needed to be more responsible and mature and you weren’t. The thing is I’m not sure you will just yet because you said you can’t seem to detach from him. Have a backbone here, the guy abandoned you and your child, the guy is only out to have easy sex. First, you need to eliminate all contact with the other guy that is not related to his child. Being that he doesn’t seem to care enough to want contact with the child and then there is absolutely no reason to even contact him. He only wants to contact you because you are the girl he sexed quickly. Sleazy guys always contact women they feel they can sex periodically just for that. If and only if you are able to permanently eliminate all contact from this guy outside of parental duties, then you need to come clean to your husband and explain the messages in a clear manner that doesn’t cover up anything. Let him know your intentions and where you stand. The fact that you haven’t seen the guy is a plus but how long would that have lasted? You need to block the other guy permanently after you only offer him to chance to see his child in the presence of you and your husband (only after speaking to your husband about this). I recommend professional intervention here and you should be the one to introduce it. This will show the seriousness in your trying to fix this. It isn’t hopeless but you need a lot of work here. Let honestly and communication lead this. Now that you know better, do better. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a jam that is not easy to figure out. My boyfriend is in prison, he went to prison for assault for defending me when some man was too touchy with me. I have been visiting him when I can, but he was sentenced to two years and my friends often remind me that I have needs and need to have an affair. I went out with the girls and met this guy in the local club, he is really fine and gave me a lot of attention and yes I slept with him just one time. The thing is that I found out three things, one is that I’m pregnant; the second is that he gave me herpes and the third is he knows my man. I’m fu*king screwed. My boyfriend comes home in two months and I’m two months pregnant and haven’t told him anything. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. I know he gave up a lot to defend me and I just hate what I did. Can this be saved? Please say yes. Thank you, Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
This is a lot to digest for you I’m sure, although there is a lot of activity in your moment of cheating, you have to direct your attention on what is happening within you. You have a new life to feed and someone who demands more than a moment. Make sure you have your head straight for that. Then you have a health issue now and that needs your strict attention and you need to wear more responsibility for yourself. I know you want to be with your boyfriend upon his arrival but you need to come clean. Be realistic and ask yourself to reverse the role and without thinking selfishly for once, would you take him back if it was reversed? As you weigh that out, you need to be ready to be totally honest with him about this experience and your stupid friend’s suggestion to cheat on your man. Friends normally want what’s best for their friends, not just to have a partner to go out and sleep with men in clubs. That’s just plain stupid. Nonetheless, it is done and you have to focus on the now, come clean to him and express your heart. I have no idea what he will say but I’m sure he has been waiting about two years to hold you freely and it’s kind of sad that you may have removed that dream from him. The only way to make this work is to come clean and let your heart speak, let your soul guide you into his and allow him to express himself honestly. You made the decision for you; he needs to make it for him. Good luck and keep me posted.

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MARRIAGE: REMEMBER YOUR VOWS?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I married have been for almost 22yrs and recently have fell in love with someone else....This other person I’ve known for 2 yrs but this last year we have become especially close...and wonderfully become intimate....I loved my friend even before sex and there was some hesitance beforehand. We are amazing as friends and even better as lovers...but it got too deep and I wanted more so they backed away and stopped the sex. We still remained friends although it was very difficult for me because I was in pure heat for this person....finally it got to where I couldn’t breath I wanted them so badly and the sex was back on and 10 times better than before. We go on vacation together...this person treats me better than anyone ever has...it was very easy for me to fall in love....They told me in the beginning they didn’t want to be the reason I ended my marriage and they aren’t totally...I’ve moved out into my own place and they haven’t even been to see me yet....the sex has stopped again without any rhyme or reason...but continues to treat me just as friends...if we spend any amount of time together they will take some days off from speaking or seeing me...call themselves stopping me from becoming too attached....also have let me know that they are sleeping with other people....everything about this relationship/friendship has totally been under their control....everything happens on their terms...never mine...I just adapt to what they want and have been ok with that. Just wanting to be with them...how do I not care for someone who clearly doesn’t truly care for me????....they tell me that they love me, but dont want to be in a relationship anyone right now....I’m dying here. “Sad In Atlanta”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sad In Atlanta”,
I think that you are searching for something new and you did not clearly take everything into account. This person you know for two years obviously is seeing you as you are, a married person having relations outside of their marriage. This isn’t the first of its kind but you made huge changes and are hoping for more than you are warranted. Of course the person hasn’t been to your new place yet, and that’s because you are no longer as thrilling as the married sneaking around person this other person entered the situation under. The constant pattern is this person backs away as you want more or displays/verbalizes your desire for more. These are red lights that should have had you re-evaluate the situation for what it truly is. The person said that there isn’t an interest in being in a relationship with anyone but I’m wondering if it’s just with you and this person is sparing your feelings somewhat. This is totally under their control for two reasons, one is because I’m very sure there is someone else this person is taking very serious and because this person doesn’t give you an equal value as this relationship was entered with you belonging with another and despite your initial attempt to fight it off; you gave in or initiated something you should never have. Now I don’t know if this being new after 22 years of marriage plays a factor in your head over heels love that this person is obviously not feeling in equality but the fact is this person isn’t what you thought as you weren’t to your married partner. You need to accept fact and not look for the fairy tale you assisted in misleading yourself to believe. You can’t turn off emotion in a second but the willingness to move forward holds people back more than actually moving forward. You need to stop holding on or trying to figure it out, the fact is that this will not blossom into anything and you need to be happy within yourself. Good luck and keep me posted.


Mr. Lover Man
In 2008, I lost a very good job and couldn't find work for a while; I eventually lost all self-worth, pride, etc. With that came a very bad attitude. Anyways, I am still currently married to the mother of my two kids, ages 3 and 2, but am separated. She says since Jan., but I was still in the house until July. The problems started in 2009 when I got busted for almost cheating on her, and by that, I mean the bf of the girl called my phone before any sexual activities occurred. Anyways, she lost all trust and respect for me. I found out that she was also cheating on me in late June, for approximately 2 months. Her and that guy broke up for a period of a few months, whereas she dated someone else, but now she is back with guy #1. Now, we have been in constant communication since July, and not always regarding the kids. She has even asked me to do various things for her that any Joe can do, and I have questioned that idea in my head numerous times. I have been told by my associates that when I get my things in order, i.e. job, apartment, and car, that she will flow towards me. Will I be a consolation prize or because we are still married, will it be reconciliation? Is there going to be reconciliation, or is she done with me. She has threatened divorce, over a month and a half ago, and told me to pick up all my things that remain at the house, but nothing has come out of that. She won't even let me have any pictures of us, i.e. wedding. What is going on here? Thank you in advance for your help. Lost and Confused




MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost and Confused”,
There is a good chance that she just might come back to you when things are back in order for you, however, someone who isn’t willing to be by the side of their partner in marriage through good and bad times isn’t worth being with. As for her threats and lack of action in pertinence to you picking up your things, that could very well be in accordance with how well things are going with the next relationship she is in. Nonetheless, there is that issue of you cheating and almost engaging in sexual activity. That might have been something she isn’t over yet and could have catapulted her towards the relationships she has ventured into since. She needs time to release about her hurt other than finding new partners. I wonder if she was allowed to express how the betrayal and hurt felt without you trying to find excuses for your actions. These are things that are needed for healing. If you want things to be better than you have to be better and you have to come to her and put your cards on the table but only and I repeat ONLY after you allow her time and the opportunity to heal and express what’s within. Now there is no guarantees with results but I am very sure it will better than it is now. As for her asking you to do things anyone can do, don’t look too deep into that in hopes of finding something to hold onto. That’s a common misleading act people do. Look at facts and anything unclear, you ask for clarity. Try not to run with your hopes over facts. I know you wanted clarity as to where you would be a consolation prize or will it be reconciliation, and I hate to say it but without communication and healing, you are the consolation prize. You want it to be reconciliation and then honor her with opportunity to heal. Good luck and please keep me posted






Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Can my marriage survive after there has been cheating? I want to earn my trust back because I have cheated on my husband once and although we agreed to work on it, it doesn’t seem like he is his same loving self. What can I do? Thank you. “Fighting for His Love”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Fighting for His Love”,
In a situation where distrust has emerged, one must allow the other person to heal in their own timely fashion. I understand that you want things to go back to the good times before you went and spread elsewhere but this will not be fully under your terms. You must allow your partner appropriate time for a healing within because although you appear to have better intentions now than when you were cheating but that doesn’t eliminate the hurt you husband felt. Communicate effectively and display love as much as you feel it. Things may not be the same but do not chase yesterday, make tomorrow great. Your focus should be being better and no more cheating. You should show love and work on making trust solid. Allow your husband a good healing time and let him let it out if needed. Communication will walk you through it all. Good luck and keep me posted.




Mr. Lover Man,
I am wondering what happened with my marriage. We have been married five years and now it seems like we are just friends with benefits. I miss the romance, I miss the public displays of affection and I sometimes feel like just friends hanging out instead of husband and wife walking down the street. I want to do things but I don’t because I don’t want to be rejected by my own husband. What should I do? I miss the fire. Thanks, “Lady Bug”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lady Bug”,
Unfortunately some marriages slip as time passes and if not addressed early, this will spiral to a failed marriage. It is great that you see it early and you want to do something about it. I wonder if you’re financial situation worsened or has there been any other environmental or emotional factors that has maybe steered the attention from your husband. If this is the case then I think you should communicate and offer self as a partner with equal ability to assist. If that isn’t the case then express your concern but never in an accusatory manner but in the same loving concern you express here. Plan a romantic getaway that matches your finances, take a night to go out and learn more about each other, there is always something going on in people’s minds daily. If necessary take a night to romance him somewhere other than the bedroom, make a new spark and be spontaneous. Hug him in the middle of the street; confess your love like you never have. Remind him of what attracts you to him. Make him feel your love again, make love infectious and communicate through the entire way. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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CHANGING YOUR ROLE

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I Have so many questions need some advice please help me! I’m 29 yrs old and I have been married for 11 yrs to a man that has been controlling my every decision and choices that I make to him taking over the money situation and giving me a allowance that he feels that I need so one day he piss me off I got on twitter cause I heard about and I really didn't pay it no attention but then I notice my phone would allow me to twitter away from home so I did that and people started to follow me and I started to really get into it but now its like he gets upset that am on my phone and he cuts it off from time to time when he feels am not giving him the attention he wants. What i need to know is am I wrong for not allowing him to search through my phone? Am I wrong for locking it so that he can't do it when am away from it? Am I wrong for being on twitter to much? Even though it's something that I have that the kids can't take from me or him. Am I wrong for not putting him on my twitter acct. so he can monitor who I talk to and what I say like he was before and that's the reason I took him off. I just need to have something for myself I feel that I have given him all of me and now I want something for me and he can't stand it he says am ruining the marriage and am starting to feel that he just says that to make me feel bad b/c am not doing what he wants anymore and that he can't control this situation please help me. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
First thing, I want to tell you that you are concerned about the wrong things here. The biggest concern is being in a relationship that doesn’t have a partnership. How does a grown adult give another adult an allowance and control your every move? This is inhumane and isn’t the recipe for a relationship, it’s the exact brew of a dictatorship. His concern of your twitter isn’t really about you but about his control over you. His insecure weaker side needs to have full control to compensate for his life short comings or his life long built insecurities which could have festered from childhood. Nonetheless, this is not a healthy relationship and one that needs professional help or an exit from you. I will however, address your questions, NO, you are not wrong for not allowing him to check your phone, this is a childish thing from him, especially that he controls your every move (which is disturbing and disgusting). There is nothing wrong with being on a social media/networking site. It doesn’t appear that you are engaging in malicious acts of any sort. In every relationship, being you is important. Having control of self is integral in life and not just in a relationship. You are not ruining a marriage that is already ruined. The notion of this even being called a marriage seems only by law and not by heart. Firmly express your feelings and suggest professional intervention. If he wants this marriage to work, he is going to have to make changes and so are you. You have a say-so in the role you are placed in. Good luck and please keep me posted.

 Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Can you give a man’s opinion on what these are because me and my girls are always arguing over this. What is a wifey to you? What’s a friend with benefits and what is a jump off or side chick? We ladies have our take, so what’s yours? , Sincerely “Real Working Wives In NY”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Real Working Wives In NY”,
That’s an interesting question; I can give a quick break down of what I think each one is. However, I do not in any fashion agree to any position other than the “Wifey”. With that said, the first one, the only one of serious importance is the “Wifey”, she is the one that holds the mental, emotional and physical place of her man. She is the partner he honors and respects, the one woman that he truly desires from his soul. She is definitely the number one and with a good man, she is the one and only. The Ebonics term derives from wife and it is because this is the broke man’s “wife”, the one he considers his unofficial wife. In many cases (not all) this is who the man would marry had he been in a better situation. Sometimes this term is used loosely and it takes from the value, of course that’s another blog post all together.


As for “Friends with Benefits” this is the person he feels he can call you anytime, day or night with his problems, talk to laugh with hang out with and if need be fuck. This person is his friend first before the sex. This fuck buddy will most likely only know his good side because he really wants to keep your friendship. Since, you never get along with other females anyway; he is your best friend. You never have to worry about the relationship drama ruining your friendship with him and the platonic intimacy factor somehow makes the sex bananas but wait............. Every now and then jealousy kicks in and you wish you were with him. Statistically, the relationship never works out because you never knew anything significant about each other.... sorry but that’s the truth.


Now for the record the “Side Chick” and “Jump Off” are two different roles. “The Side Chick” is never number one, she is plan b, she is the spare wheel and she is there for no serious reason and serves minimal purpose. Should anything happen to wifey, you are next in line (not really like that) 97% of the time you never become his wifey because you lack something he felt is essential for the home base. Maybe he thinks you are dumb, can’t manage money, or his insecure ass cant control you like a lot pigs try to do. Whatever the case you will not be wifey but you do have a certain X factor that he is lacking with his wifey, you get enough of him to keep you satisfied for now, and you don’t have to put up with all the domestics. In very few cases you are treated better than wifey since you might be a little bit younger or prettier than her and are viewed as nothing more than his trophy. But wait......... No matter how you try to make excuses, you are still getting sloppy seconds and empty promises. He will not leave his wife for you. PERIOD!!! If he hasn’t left yet, NEWSFLASH: he won’t.


As for the most despicable of all “The Jump Off”, this is miss no strings attached. This female does not have the right to know anything about him or to ever feel as if cuddling, conversation or a meal comes with the package. However, some men are generous to their little jump offs. You have no rights to his money or to impose on his family life. Harsh reality, he doesn’t give a rat's ass about you and you are the most easily replaced person in his life. Generally speaking, if a man has one of these, he has more than one of these. But wait....... He doesn’t really want to know your name or age but asks anyway, and you probably do not know his real name and age.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m tired of my boyfriend always invading my email, reading my texts and telling me what to do every day. I don’t want to lose him because I love him but I’m tired of him running my life. And let me just tell you that nowadays that even with sex he just seems to be concerned with his release. What can I do to stop this? Thank you. “Irritated and Frustrated”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Irritated and Frustrated”,
Communication, communication, communication!! I can not stress this enough. This is where you must evaluate how much you really want things to be better in your relationship. I do not think the day you met him that he was into your email and texts and what gets me is why you allowed it in the first place. I understand that there are situations where both parties have that access and that works for them but this clearly is not that situation. This seems like a case of insecure male strikes again. The fact that he needs control over your every move is because he has been hurt and hasn’t let go and moved on in a healthy fashion and now he is with you and you are the recipient of his idiocy. There is never a justification for one partner being so controlling. You must address how you feel without being as aggressive to push him into a competitive argument. That will only fuel his insecurity and he will continue to be this person you do not want. You must be honest with your feelings and express how this makes you feel, give alternative suggestions to ease his insecurity issues and even offer to do couples therapy. As for the sexual selfishness, express your desires, likes and dislikes, take control in the bed. Impose your will at times and little by little incorporate your style. This with communication will enhance what’s lacking at this present time. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it possible to actually feel like less than a man? I anonymously ask this because I can’t win at home. My wife wants to always watch her programs and it is driving me insane, especially on football Sunday. I want to make her happy but I need to get some things back here. I don’t want to be mean or aggressive because I respect her as a woman but come on man, this is just insane. What should I do? Thank you. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The reason this exists is because you allow it to. It is not about being mean or aggressive but about expressing your feelings and wanting a fairer household. Somewhere down the line as this began you chose to step aside and let this happen. Lesson learned I hope. In any situation if you are not happy, address it and do not let it grow before it gets so far out that it’s hard to reverse or to impose fairness. This isn’t about feeling like a man, this is about your feelings as a human. You are an adult and you need to be firm, fair, open-minded and understanding. Make the suggestion of alternating days and times, get DVR or some form of cable networking that allows you to record shows and try to get involved with the same shows (both of you, not just you). Express your awareness that this must be something she really likes but there are ways you both can get your television time. This has to be a partnership, something this small can lead to other avenues in the relationship and it could get much worse. Communicate honestly. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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TRUST OR BUST

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I’m having a serious problem here that I’m counting on you to shed some light on. Me and my girlfriend both read you blog and debate about a lot. Never thought I would be asking you something but I really need to get this to you because you answer straight up and we enjoy this blog. Here it goes, my girlfriend’s best friend is pregnant and that’s nice for her, but she has fed into my girlfriends head that we should have a baby so they can grow up as best friends. I’m opposed to this because it’s our life and future family, not her best friends. My girlfriend is thinking this would be great but I don’t. What also irks me is how my girlfriend acts when her friend is around. It’s like I don’t even know her. She starts acting like her friend. It is annoying and I don’t know how to go about bringing this up. My girlfriend and I had agreed that we wouldn’t have kids until we graduated and began our careers and now all of a sudden her fiend has her wanting babies. It takes money and huge responsibility. I work and go to college and she goes to college. I don’t even trust her to have sex without a condom anymore. She says she will get pregnant one way or another. Her birth control pill case is up to date but she doesn’t know I saw the pills in the garbage. How can I trust her wit her friend corrupting our relationship? This needs to be settled. We both will be waiting your answer. Thank you for taking time for this. Bill & Jill (not our real names).


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Bill & Jill,
This sounds like some pathetic MTV special about some silly pregnancy pact. With that being said, pregnancy isn’t like playing dolls. There is a lot to go with that, it alters your entire life and although there is a great joy to it, there is a great responsibility that isn’t about playing house. There is no playing when it comes to a life that will have to be the number one priority. The two ladies in question here don’t appear to be thinking this clear enough outside of their silly little “kids as best friends” silliness. When planning a child, there takes more than planning out your child’s future best friend. That’s just absurd, there is much, much more to consider here. Stick to what is best for you both as a unit (minus the meddling friend) and consider what’s best for this future child. As for your girlfriend acting different when her friend is around, there are always reasons for this. One could possibly be that your girlfriend admires her friend and doesn’t see them as equals but maybe sees herself as a slight inferior so she acts like her friend to make up for what she feels is lacking in her attitude and personality. This is not uncommon; it’s corny but not uncommon. In this situation you must establish communication about how you feel. Listen to her feelings as well, maybe something in her conversations with her fiend sparked something else that makes her fell ready. If it is for the reason of having your child’s ready made best friend, then I say that’s childish. Talk this through, weigh the pros and cons. You must come to a decision that has absolutely nothing to do with her meddling friend. This is your child, this is your girlfriend’s child and at best this is only the best friend’s godchild. There is more importance in yours and your girlfriend’s roles here. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
What is it with guys? Why can’t they make up their minds and get serious? I’m so done with them. The last 3 guys I dealt with all acted different right after we had sex like if they had a plan to just have sex. They pretend to be one way and then as soon as you open your legs they act all distant like they don’t want to be involved anymore. This has been a stressful month for me and I am about to just do me and say forget this trying to take these guys serious. Answer this question for me please, why do men need to pretend to get sex? Don’t they know that being real gets you more? Three guys this month and they all acted the same way. Is that a coincidence or am I right that men have issues? Thanks. No Name


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “No Name”,
Are you aware that this month only has 11 days in it s far? You are already 3 guys in and expected what? I’m not excusing these guys’ behaviors if at some point they purposely led you to believe that they wanted more and lied. That’s never right and never acceptable. I’m just wondering, in this short time how could they all three independently fed you some strong lies that enabled you to open up your legs to them and expect a relationship from any of them? You are averaging 3.6 days with each one. Do you not see that you play a role here? You play the biggest role in these situations. These guys obviously see something about you that is willing to open legs so fast wit you averaging 3.6 days with them. You really need to re-evaluate yourself before you place blame anywhere else. Evaluate the men you attract and what you are giving up in order to try to “keep” them. This is not only foolish but dangerous as STD’s are everywhere. I am very sure that neither of you has gave it up this quick for the first time this month. Enhance and surface your self respect. Take time to learn your partner before you try to self negotiate your body for a promise that couldn’t possibly be believable in 3.6 days. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been in a 2 yr relationship I also have a 5month old baby with this man and he recently lost his business and he hit rock bottom stared coming home at 5 in the morning drinking more and hanging out with a girl he used to fuck she worked right next door to her and his best friend was after her good friend so he told me he wanted to be alone "space" and I told him he can have space living else so I packed his shit up and kicked him out. But every night he came to sleep at my place Y did I allow that? After giving him back the keys to my house after a week him out I find out he was kissing the girl next door and hanging a lot with her and that’s because he told me. I forgave him and now I feel like huge asshole because a big part of y I forgave him was because of my baby. Do u think it was that serious or should say FUCK U AND GET TO THE STEPPIN HOMEBOY LOL?
Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
One thing that strikes me here is that if he started hanging out with a girl he used to sex, then shun you to have his “alone time” and you found out he kissed her, what makes you think more didn’t happen? They were already sexually active in the past and he made a decision to push you back for her for whatever period of time and I’m wondering was there more you do not know about. Of course that is not something you can give great focus to but the notion that he cheated with a kiss alone is one too many. Another thing that bothered me in your post is that he has been coming home 5 in the morning hanging out with her. I can understand his position of losing his business and probably feeling unhappy about that but there is not ever, not in one iota a good excuse to cheat. If your main reason for taking him back was for the baby, then ultimately your unsettled feeling about your decision will continue to haunt you and you will have to face it. You need to assess how you truly feel about his betrayal and if you feel that you are comfortable accepting it, if you truly feel that he will never do so again, if you can come to terms with the deception and can find a way to believe this is more than about sharing a child, then and only then will this be a successful relationship. If any of those aren’t met in some form or fashion, there is a good chance that this will come up again and be an ongoing issue that can lead to the ultimate demise of your relationship. You asked me if it is that serious, well for the record, cheating is always serious. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Where do I start?! I'm a divorced mother of two and I'm a workaholic. After my divorce I devoted myself to my children first and my career second. Personally I feel that I have done a great job with both. For a very long time I was not dating and would write people off, I always felt that when the right one came I'd feel it (although friends often said I wouldn't let men close enough to even consider...). Well very early in the year I met someone and we hit it off. I was very clear as to what I was looking for and what I expected. This was even before the first date and WAY before the sex! We developed a great friendship which then turned into a relationship. Before we were intimate I made sure we had the talk as to where this was headed what he wanted and vice versa. In my mind we were on the same page. Months later he met my children, was in my home EVERY NIGHT either just spending time, eating dinner or spending the night. Weeks after that I became pregnant and he was excited. We spoke of getting a bigger place and future plans. I had met family members, close friends. Recently I got a call, from a woman that stated that she has been in a long-term relationship and also the mother of his child! She stated that they lived together! And that I was not the first one she has discovered over the years. I was blindsided! I confronted him and told him that I was not one to break up any home nor was I going to continue what we had. I told him that as a God fearing woman I was not going to terminate and I expected him to help with the child when the time came.
From that one conversation 2 months ago he never called again. I have not looked for him either. The man that I thought I knew was completely fabricated! I've retraced my steps and no, no clue! There wasn't a place that I didn't suggest that he'd say no to. Even the place I though he lived at, this relative was in on it! I'm keeping my faith in God, knowing that he is looking down on me and my children. I do get scared and I do shake it off. I don't know what type of advice you can give or even insight. I guess I just want a man's perspective...
Thank you, Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
I want to commend you for handling your business as a good mother and putting your children first. The situation you found yourself is unfortunate and one time is too many to know this exists. There will always be a pathetic excuse for a male/female. In this case this guy was not only pathetic but a true piece of trash. This was a guy who focused so much energy on misleading that he became better at it than many. His being able to show up at any point you suggested was because he probably has a stronghold on his relationship which shows as his girlfriend said, this isn’t the first time. She remains because she feels less worth than someone with more sense. He was able to see you any night, not because you are an easy mark but because his girlfriend doesn’t question his every night romps all over town. His family probably knows his ways and supports him because he is family, even if they do not support his ways. When things appear to go right we tend to not pay attention to signs that were probably shown. I’m very sure there was a sign because there is no flawless cheater. One who lives a lie always is battling the truth and as you see, the truth won ultimately as he was once again exposed. I know you didn’t ask a question and just want my perspective, the thing is I can go on and on about him being a piece of trash but that doesn’t change what took place. I notice that you mention he was at your place every night and that he would meet any place you wanted but I’m wondering about the place he lived with this alleged family member. There had to be a sign or an inkling that suggested this was false. I wonder the hours you would be at that place. I’m sure you couldn’t just show up and that is something that would have bothered me and I would have addressed. When planned to go to his place (if more than once) I would have assumed something would have showed. I wonder if after your hiatus from dating that this appeared so well that maybe you ignored that because you feared this not being what it appeared to be. Nonetheless, do not beat yourself up over this. You entered this honestly and now there is another life coming from it, you need to once again shift your focus on a new life and I’m sure once again you will succeed. He may not be there physically but make the bastard pay financially. I do wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted.

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