I Have so many questions need some advice please help me! I’m 29 yrs old and I have been married for 11 yrs to a man that has been controlling my every decision and choices that I make to him taking over the money situation and giving me a allowance that he feels that I need so one day he piss me off I got on twitter cause I heard about and I really didn't pay it no attention but then I notice my phone would allow me to twitter away from home so I did that and people started to follow me and I started to really get into it but now its like he gets upset that am on my phone and he cuts it off from time to time when he feels am not giving him the attention he wants. What i need to know is am I wrong for not allowing him to search through my phone? Am I wrong for locking it so that he can't do it when am away from it? Am I wrong for being on twitter to much? Even though it's something that I have that the kids can't take from me or him. Am I wrong for not putting him on my twitter acct. so he can monitor who I talk to and what I say like he was before and that's the reason I took him off. I just need to have something for myself I feel that I have given him all of me and now I want something for me and he can't stand it he says am ruining the marriage and am starting to feel that he just says that to make me feel bad b/c am not doing what he wants anymore and that he can't control this situation please help me. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
First thing, I want to tell you that you are concerned about the wrong things here. The biggest concern is being in a relationship that doesn’t have a partnership. How does a grown adult give another adult an allowance and control your every move? This is inhumane and isn’t the recipe for a relationship, it’s the exact brew of a dictatorship. His concern of your twitter isn’t really about you but about his control over you. His insecure weaker side needs to have full control to compensate for his life short comings or his life long built insecurities which could have festered from childhood. Nonetheless, this is not a healthy relationship and one that needs professional help or an exit from you. I will however, address your questions, NO, you are not wrong for not allowing him to check your phone, this is a childish thing from him, especially that he controls your every move (which is disturbing and disgusting). There is nothing wrong with being on a social media/networking site. It doesn’t appear that you are engaging in malicious acts of any sort. In every relationship, being you is important. Having control of self is integral in life and not just in a relationship. You are not ruining a marriage that is already ruined. The notion of this even being called a marriage seems only by law and not by heart. Firmly express your feelings and suggest professional intervention. If he wants this marriage to work, he is going to have to make changes and so are you. You have a say-so in the role you are placed in. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Can you give a man’s opinion on what these are because me and my girls are always arguing over this. What is a wifey to you? What’s a friend with benefits and what is a jump off or side chick? We ladies have our take, so what’s yours? , Sincerely “Real Working Wives In NY”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Real Working Wives In NY”,
That’s an interesting question; I can give a quick break down of what I think each one is. However, I do not in any fashion agree to any position other than the “Wifey”. With that said, the first one, the only one of serious importance is the “Wifey”, she is the one that holds the mental, emotional and physical place of her man. She is the partner he honors and respects, the one woman that he truly desires from his soul. She is definitely the number one and with a good man, she is the one and only. The Ebonics term derives from wife and it is because this is the broke man’s “wife”, the one he considers his unofficial wife. In many cases (not all) this is who the man would marry had he been in a better situation. Sometimes this term is used loosely and it takes from the value, of course that’s another blog post all together.
As for “Friends with Benefits” this is the person he feels he can call you anytime, day or night with his problems, talk to laugh with hang out with and if need be fuck. This person is his friend first before the sex. This fuck buddy will most likely only know his good side because he really wants to keep your friendship. Since, you never get along with other females anyway; he is your best friend. You never have to worry about the relationship drama ruining your friendship with him and the platonic intimacy factor somehow makes the sex bananas but wait............. Every now and then jealousy kicks in and you wish you were with him. Statistically, the relationship never works out because you never knew anything significant about each other.... sorry but that’s the truth.
Now for the record the “Side Chick” and “Jump Off” are two different roles. “The Side Chick” is never number one, she is plan b, she is the spare wheel and she is there for no serious reason and serves minimal purpose. Should anything happen to wifey, you are next in line (not really like that) 97% of the time you never become his wifey because you lack something he felt is essential for the home base. Maybe he thinks you are dumb, can’t manage money, or his insecure ass cant control you like a lot pigs try to do. Whatever the case you will not be wifey but you do have a certain X factor that he is lacking with his wifey, you get enough of him to keep you satisfied for now, and you don’t have to put up with all the domestics. In very few cases you are treated better than wifey since you might be a little bit younger or prettier than her and are viewed as nothing more than his trophy. But wait......... No matter how you try to make excuses, you are still getting sloppy seconds and empty promises. He will not leave his wife for you. PERIOD!!! If he hasn’t left yet, NEWSFLASH: he won’t.
As for the most despicable of all “The Jump Off”, this is miss no strings attached. This female does not have the right to know anything about him or to ever feel as if cuddling, conversation or a meal comes with the package. However, some men are generous to their little jump offs. You have no rights to his money or to impose on his family life. Harsh reality, he doesn’t give a rat's ass about you and you are the most easily replaced person in his life. Generally speaking, if a man has one of these, he has more than one of these. But wait....... He doesn’t really want to know your name or age but asks anyway, and you probably do not know his real name and age.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m tired of my boyfriend always invading my email, reading my texts and telling me what to do every day. I don’t want to lose him because I love him but I’m tired of him running my life. And let me just tell you that nowadays that even with sex he just seems to be concerned with his release. What can I do to stop this? Thank you. “Irritated and Frustrated”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Irritated and Frustrated”,
Communication, communication, communication!! I can not stress this enough. This is where you must evaluate how much you really want things to be better in your relationship. I do not think the day you met him that he was into your email and texts and what gets me is why you allowed it in the first place. I understand that there are situations where both parties have that access and that works for them but this clearly is not that situation. This seems like a case of insecure male strikes again. The fact that he needs control over your every move is because he has been hurt and hasn’t let go and moved on in a healthy fashion and now he is with you and you are the recipient of his idiocy. There is never a justification for one partner being so controlling. You must address how you feel without being as aggressive to push him into a competitive argument. That will only fuel his insecurity and he will continue to be this person you do not want. You must be honest with your feelings and express how this makes you feel, give alternative suggestions to ease his insecurity issues and even offer to do couples therapy. As for the sexual selfishness, express your desires, likes and dislikes, take control in the bed. Impose your will at times and little by little incorporate your style. This with communication will enhance what’s lacking at this present time. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it possible to actually feel like less than a man? I anonymously ask this because I can’t win at home. My wife wants to always watch her programs and it is driving me insane, especially on football Sunday. I want to make her happy but I need to get some things back here. I don’t want to be mean or aggressive because I respect her as a woman but come on man, this is just insane. What should I do? Thank you. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The reason this exists is because you allow it to. It is not about being mean or aggressive but about expressing your feelings and wanting a fairer household. Somewhere down the line as this began you chose to step aside and let this happen. Lesson learned I hope. In any situation if you are not happy, address it and do not let it grow before it gets so far out that it’s hard to reverse or to impose fairness. This isn’t about feeling like a man, this is about your feelings as a human. You are an adult and you need to be firm, fair, open-minded and understanding. Make the suggestion of alternating days and times, get DVR or some form of cable networking that allows you to record shows and try to get involved with the same shows (both of you, not just you). Express your awareness that this must be something she really likes but there are ways you both can get your television time. This has to be a partnership, something this small can lead to other avenues in the relationship and it could get much worse. Communicate honestly. Good luck and please keep me posted.
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