Thursday, November 4, 2010

MARRIAGE: TO BE OR NOT TO BE

Dear Mr. Lover Man,


My story is a little different. I’m not just a stupid girl in love with a married man. I met him the on first day of January this year. And I knew he was the one. I grew up in the USA. He grew up in India. I’m a doctor now, and he's a successful businessman, who never even completed school. If opposites attract like magnets, here’s a wonderful example. We met each other through a common friend. We had a wonderful day together, and that evening, he told me he was married and has a 2 yr old son. I don’t know why, but a girl like me who would have normally kicked him in a second, held on to him. At first, I tried to ignore the fact. Then it started bothering me. We really love each other, or maybe I should say he loves me more than I do. I know you might not believe this, but it’s true. I have sensed it many times. He really cares for me. Many of his friends and family members have come to know about us. Even his wife knows now. I introduced him to my parents as a good friend.
He wants to marry me. I want to marry him... But I cannot marry a married man. I am the only daughter of my parents. I can’t lie to them. I told him to divorce his wife, but he said he cannot leave her now. She has done a lot for him in his bad time and he cannot break those promises he gave her of a better future. (Finally a man, who respects women, is trustworthy and honest... but none of this is helping in my favor). If u solve this, you are great. I can’t live with him, and I can’t live without him. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This situation really isn’t clear. You make it seem almost perfect except for the fact that it is not. I want to dive right into this. You say his wife knows about you both, if that is a fact (which I am having a hard time believing) then a divorce would not be an issue with him assisting her in having a better future. He can fulfill that promise as a friend if he is really this “man who respects women, is trustworthy and honest”. This doesn’t seem to be the case because he doesn’t seem to be as willing to marry you as you are to marry him. You say you are not some “stupid girl in love with a married man” and I’m not saying you are but then what do you call it? You knew he was married and held on? There is a lot here to be said about a man who engages with a woman outside his marriage and then when its time to move forward with this woman, the excuse about a promise comes up to stop that and you praise him for sticking to that promise? What about his promise to be faithful to his wife? What about his promise to be there for HER through thick and thin, better or worse? You may not be some stupid girl in love with a married man but you sure are gullible. You claim to have sensed he loves you more than you love him but you both love each other, I dare to say, he is a better actor than you and you are misleading yourself to think this. I’m sure his real wife thinks he is also this wonderful, respectful, trustworthy & honest man because she isn’t some stupid girl married to a cheating, lying, disrespectful & untrustworthy husband but maybe a little gullible. You need to sit down with him and his wife, since she “knows about you both” and since it is so clear and accepting and get answers. Of course if he opposes this, then no she does not know about you both and no he is never leaving her for you. A trustworthy, honest & respectful man does NOT cheat. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been in a LONG term relationship (on year #15). We have never married, as we basically have been thru the storm and back again, growing from teens into adults along the way. I will be honest; there has been infidelity in the past, on both parts. Mine as a result of feeling unloved/unappreciated from his wandering ways...not right at all, but I was young and ignorant at the time. I want to stress to you that the past issues have completely disappeared and the relationship has made a 360 for the best. We share 2 children in common and live a great family life these days. We don't go out to clubs, hang out with single friends & we are now focused on our children and each other. To my knowledge, there has been no cheating by either party in the last 5 years. My question to you is, how do I handle the insecurities that I have with my mate? He obviously has proven in the past just "what" he is capable of. Sometimes when at work and I get no answer, I automatically begin to think the worst-who's he with, what's he doing, even though I know he may not be up to anything...I try to keep my focus on the positive, but lately the past has been haunting my mind. Is it possible for a man who once messed up so bad to change and never return to his original state? There are times when he acts differently, not old traits but similarities. Even though any cheating would have to be done on working hours or to & from work, I know it is not impossible. Am I wrong for allowing my mind to wander like this? I don't wish to share this with him because I know everyone wants to be "trusted", but I cannot keep stressing myself out like this. Some things are just not worth the stress. How do you control your mind to think more optimistically or more positive? Do you think this could be my subconscious wondering about life since I have always been so committed my adult life? I just cannot figure it all out- I really could use some guidance.
Signed, Lost in my own Mind 


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost in my own Mind”,
There is something here that can attribute to your feeling this way. One is you have made the excuse acceptable for your cheating ways and you haven’t made so for his. You said your excuse (and all excuses are lame) were you feeling unloved & unappreciated, yet you haven’t included his. He may have only done so for the same exact reason. Knowing the reason doesn’t make it right but if it can dismiss the possibility of you cheating today maybe in your mind it can his. Another thing you must consider is communication, if this is really eating you up inside and you say you can’t stress yourself out over this then you must keep the option on the table to talk to him. Yes everyone in some form or fashion wishes to be trusted but you aren’t so trusting and you have the right to clear the air. Approach the situation in a concerning way not in an accusatory manner. Remind him of how happy you are for the positive changes you both have made but that something is eating you up and you are not accusing him but just want to talk. It is possible that he would never cheat, the same possibility lies with you. You both have cheated, no matter the excuse and you need to ask yourself, “Will I cheat again?” That is your answer if people can change. Please know that you have the right to address this. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man.
I just discovered your site and wanted to ask your opinion on a problem I have been having throughout my relationship with my husband. My husband has a serious addiction to masturbation where he has replaced having a normal sexual relationship with me and masturbating once, sometimes twice a day. I have known this from the beginning but made tons of excuses and expecting for it to magically disappear if only I did something right. We weren't really compatible but my husband claimed he was just stressed from work and things would be different...then it became grad school stress, then marriage, moving in and pregnancies. Whenever I suggested we spend time together I was called selfish and immature. Initiated sex and told I was too aggressive. Eventually I withdrew, became resentful and stopped initiating and lost interest in my husband. Last year I had a three month affair and while I know it was a complete mistake, it made me aware of how miserable I am. My husband and I are still together (not in reconciliation and probably never will and live in limbo until someone gets fed up and leaves) but the situation is utterly dismal. He still continues to masturbate daily and the last time we had sex was a year ago. How am I supposed to deal with this situation aside from divorce? Am I being selfish (as my husband likes to think) for expecting any form of intimacy in my life? Thanks for your time and look forward to hearing from you!
JadedWife


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “JadedWife”,
Being in a marriage isn’t like dating. There are vows and commitments from both parties that should be considered daily. A successful marriage gives reason to continuously fall in love and that starts with communication amongst other avenues a marriage warrants. One lesson leaned here is that if you see a problem early on then you must address it because not addressing it gives an unspoken permission for it to continue or grow into something worse. You said you knew he had this issue from the beginning and you made excuses for it, well now you have had an affair and you say it was a mistake but I often wonder with people that cheat, why not just be a better communicator with the person you love than opening your legs to someone who will just sex you and never love you for who you are? At this point if you want to make this work you may want to consider professional intervention, if you don’t then be the mature adult and say so. Be the adult that should say “I’m not happy and this will never work” and work out a civil way of going your separate ways. As for you expecting any type of intimacy at this point, I think you need to re-evaluate the entire situation. You are guilty of breaking what in many instances are sacred vows, he has been guilty of his disconnection and sexual masturbation from day one and you never addressed it, you publicly accepted it and privately wasn’t happy. When you accept it, he thinks its ok, then all of a sudden, many moons later you have a problem with what was perceived to be normal and he thinks you are selfish. That isn’t right but it is because he thought it was ok because you lacked the will to address honestly how you felt. What happens next depends on how much you want this marriage to work or how much you do not want it to work. Good luck and please keep me posted.  

 Mr. Lover Man,
I have been confused for a long time to why me and my husband sex life is not good anymore, and he blames it all on me that I don't try different things but he doesn't either and the only thing that he considers different is oral sex in which I am game but I am not good at it but I do try. But it is still pleasurable to me not unless am on top and that isn't a vaginal orgasm it's a clitoris one.
I have been getting advances from others guys which turn me on and I don't want to leave my husband for them I just want to be able to enjoy sex as well and I don't know if am thinking the wrong thing or I just need to work harder at my sex life with my husband so confused.
Janet
 
 MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Janet,
There seems to be a lack of effective communication as well as serious attempts to enhance the sexual world you both share and this is on both parties control. I think that you guys need to talk about desires, fantasies and what it is that you both like and work from there. Don’t focus on what you don’t like as much as what you both do like. You may need to work harder on your sex life but so does your husband. Communication is your missing element instead of blaming each other. The common thing is that you both can do more but you won’t know what to do unless you both convey this message. Sit down in a civil manner and express your heart, always praise the good and not only throw the bad at him and it will lead him to do the same. Good luck, please keep me posted.

3 comments:

POOKIERANGER :-* said...

Dear Mr LovEr Man

i have been in a 2 yr relationship i also have a 5month old baby with this man and he recently lost his business and he hit rock bottem stared coming home at 5 in the morning drinking more and hanging out with a girl he used to fuck she worked right next door to her and his best friend was after her good freind so he told me he wanted to be alone "space" and i told him he can have space living else so i packed his shit up and kicked him out. but every night he came to sleep at my place Y? did i allow that? after giving him back the keys to my house after a week him out i find out he was kissing the girl next door and hanging alot with her and thats becuase he told me. i forgave him and now i feel like huge asshole because a big part of y i forgave him was because of my baby. do u think it was that serious or should say FUCK U AND GET TO THE STEPPIN HOMEBOY LOL..

Anonymous said...

Good shit man. People need to drag their fingers to this blog.

Anonymous said...

Dude, you need a stage. You are like a smarter and not annoying Dr Phil. Ha!

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