Thursday, November 11, 2010

TRUST OR BUST

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I’m having a serious problem here that I’m counting on you to shed some light on. Me and my girlfriend both read you blog and debate about a lot. Never thought I would be asking you something but I really need to get this to you because you answer straight up and we enjoy this blog. Here it goes, my girlfriend’s best friend is pregnant and that’s nice for her, but she has fed into my girlfriends head that we should have a baby so they can grow up as best friends. I’m opposed to this because it’s our life and future family, not her best friends. My girlfriend is thinking this would be great but I don’t. What also irks me is how my girlfriend acts when her friend is around. It’s like I don’t even know her. She starts acting like her friend. It is annoying and I don’t know how to go about bringing this up. My girlfriend and I had agreed that we wouldn’t have kids until we graduated and began our careers and now all of a sudden her fiend has her wanting babies. It takes money and huge responsibility. I work and go to college and she goes to college. I don’t even trust her to have sex without a condom anymore. She says she will get pregnant one way or another. Her birth control pill case is up to date but she doesn’t know I saw the pills in the garbage. How can I trust her wit her friend corrupting our relationship? This needs to be settled. We both will be waiting your answer. Thank you for taking time for this. Bill & Jill (not our real names).


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Bill & Jill,
This sounds like some pathetic MTV special about some silly pregnancy pact. With that being said, pregnancy isn’t like playing dolls. There is a lot to go with that, it alters your entire life and although there is a great joy to it, there is a great responsibility that isn’t about playing house. There is no playing when it comes to a life that will have to be the number one priority. The two ladies in question here don’t appear to be thinking this clear enough outside of their silly little “kids as best friends” silliness. When planning a child, there takes more than planning out your child’s future best friend. That’s just absurd, there is much, much more to consider here. Stick to what is best for you both as a unit (minus the meddling friend) and consider what’s best for this future child. As for your girlfriend acting different when her friend is around, there are always reasons for this. One could possibly be that your girlfriend admires her friend and doesn’t see them as equals but maybe sees herself as a slight inferior so she acts like her friend to make up for what she feels is lacking in her attitude and personality. This is not uncommon; it’s corny but not uncommon. In this situation you must establish communication about how you feel. Listen to her feelings as well, maybe something in her conversations with her fiend sparked something else that makes her fell ready. If it is for the reason of having your child’s ready made best friend, then I say that’s childish. Talk this through, weigh the pros and cons. You must come to a decision that has absolutely nothing to do with her meddling friend. This is your child, this is your girlfriend’s child and at best this is only the best friend’s godchild. There is more importance in yours and your girlfriend’s roles here. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
What is it with guys? Why can’t they make up their minds and get serious? I’m so done with them. The last 3 guys I dealt with all acted different right after we had sex like if they had a plan to just have sex. They pretend to be one way and then as soon as you open your legs they act all distant like they don’t want to be involved anymore. This has been a stressful month for me and I am about to just do me and say forget this trying to take these guys serious. Answer this question for me please, why do men need to pretend to get sex? Don’t they know that being real gets you more? Three guys this month and they all acted the same way. Is that a coincidence or am I right that men have issues? Thanks. No Name


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “No Name”,
Are you aware that this month only has 11 days in it s far? You are already 3 guys in and expected what? I’m not excusing these guys’ behaviors if at some point they purposely led you to believe that they wanted more and lied. That’s never right and never acceptable. I’m just wondering, in this short time how could they all three independently fed you some strong lies that enabled you to open up your legs to them and expect a relationship from any of them? You are averaging 3.6 days with each one. Do you not see that you play a role here? You play the biggest role in these situations. These guys obviously see something about you that is willing to open legs so fast wit you averaging 3.6 days with them. You really need to re-evaluate yourself before you place blame anywhere else. Evaluate the men you attract and what you are giving up in order to try to “keep” them. This is not only foolish but dangerous as STD’s are everywhere. I am very sure that neither of you has gave it up this quick for the first time this month. Enhance and surface your self respect. Take time to learn your partner before you try to self negotiate your body for a promise that couldn’t possibly be believable in 3.6 days. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been in a 2 yr relationship I also have a 5month old baby with this man and he recently lost his business and he hit rock bottom stared coming home at 5 in the morning drinking more and hanging out with a girl he used to fuck she worked right next door to her and his best friend was after her good friend so he told me he wanted to be alone "space" and I told him he can have space living else so I packed his shit up and kicked him out. But every night he came to sleep at my place Y did I allow that? After giving him back the keys to my house after a week him out I find out he was kissing the girl next door and hanging a lot with her and that’s because he told me. I forgave him and now I feel like huge asshole because a big part of y I forgave him was because of my baby. Do u think it was that serious or should say FUCK U AND GET TO THE STEPPIN HOMEBOY LOL?
Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
One thing that strikes me here is that if he started hanging out with a girl he used to sex, then shun you to have his “alone time” and you found out he kissed her, what makes you think more didn’t happen? They were already sexually active in the past and he made a decision to push you back for her for whatever period of time and I’m wondering was there more you do not know about. Of course that is not something you can give great focus to but the notion that he cheated with a kiss alone is one too many. Another thing that bothered me in your post is that he has been coming home 5 in the morning hanging out with her. I can understand his position of losing his business and probably feeling unhappy about that but there is not ever, not in one iota a good excuse to cheat. If your main reason for taking him back was for the baby, then ultimately your unsettled feeling about your decision will continue to haunt you and you will have to face it. You need to assess how you truly feel about his betrayal and if you feel that you are comfortable accepting it, if you truly feel that he will never do so again, if you can come to terms with the deception and can find a way to believe this is more than about sharing a child, then and only then will this be a successful relationship. If any of those aren’t met in some form or fashion, there is a good chance that this will come up again and be an ongoing issue that can lead to the ultimate demise of your relationship. You asked me if it is that serious, well for the record, cheating is always serious. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Where do I start?! I'm a divorced mother of two and I'm a workaholic. After my divorce I devoted myself to my children first and my career second. Personally I feel that I have done a great job with both. For a very long time I was not dating and would write people off, I always felt that when the right one came I'd feel it (although friends often said I wouldn't let men close enough to even consider...). Well very early in the year I met someone and we hit it off. I was very clear as to what I was looking for and what I expected. This was even before the first date and WAY before the sex! We developed a great friendship which then turned into a relationship. Before we were intimate I made sure we had the talk as to where this was headed what he wanted and vice versa. In my mind we were on the same page. Months later he met my children, was in my home EVERY NIGHT either just spending time, eating dinner or spending the night. Weeks after that I became pregnant and he was excited. We spoke of getting a bigger place and future plans. I had met family members, close friends. Recently I got a call, from a woman that stated that she has been in a long-term relationship and also the mother of his child! She stated that they lived together! And that I was not the first one she has discovered over the years. I was blindsided! I confronted him and told him that I was not one to break up any home nor was I going to continue what we had. I told him that as a God fearing woman I was not going to terminate and I expected him to help with the child when the time came.
From that one conversation 2 months ago he never called again. I have not looked for him either. The man that I thought I knew was completely fabricated! I've retraced my steps and no, no clue! There wasn't a place that I didn't suggest that he'd say no to. Even the place I though he lived at, this relative was in on it! I'm keeping my faith in God, knowing that he is looking down on me and my children. I do get scared and I do shake it off. I don't know what type of advice you can give or even insight. I guess I just want a man's perspective...
Thank you, Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
I want to commend you for handling your business as a good mother and putting your children first. The situation you found yourself is unfortunate and one time is too many to know this exists. There will always be a pathetic excuse for a male/female. In this case this guy was not only pathetic but a true piece of trash. This was a guy who focused so much energy on misleading that he became better at it than many. His being able to show up at any point you suggested was because he probably has a stronghold on his relationship which shows as his girlfriend said, this isn’t the first time. She remains because she feels less worth than someone with more sense. He was able to see you any night, not because you are an easy mark but because his girlfriend doesn’t question his every night romps all over town. His family probably knows his ways and supports him because he is family, even if they do not support his ways. When things appear to go right we tend to not pay attention to signs that were probably shown. I’m very sure there was a sign because there is no flawless cheater. One who lives a lie always is battling the truth and as you see, the truth won ultimately as he was once again exposed. I know you didn’t ask a question and just want my perspective, the thing is I can go on and on about him being a piece of trash but that doesn’t change what took place. I notice that you mention he was at your place every night and that he would meet any place you wanted but I’m wondering about the place he lived with this alleged family member. There had to be a sign or an inkling that suggested this was false. I wonder the hours you would be at that place. I’m sure you couldn’t just show up and that is something that would have bothered me and I would have addressed. When planned to go to his place (if more than once) I would have assumed something would have showed. I wonder if after your hiatus from dating that this appeared so well that maybe you ignored that because you feared this not being what it appeared to be. Nonetheless, do not beat yourself up over this. You entered this honestly and now there is another life coming from it, you need to once again shift your focus on a new life and I’m sure once again you will succeed. He may not be there physically but make the bastard pay financially. I do wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Reply to "TRUST OR BUST"
You have got to be shitting me!! this heffa would bring a life into the world because her ditzy ass friend wants her to have a kid. I mean this is a life this is not purse shopping!
STOOPID, STOOOOPID!!

Anonymous said...

This is my favorite blog. I had the problem of trusting the wrong people in my past. Needed your blog years ago. I am glad that this outlet exists. You need radio shows and television shows. Good luck

Author Black Coffee said...

I'm new here but I like what I see. I'm reading first and getting familiar. [AuthorBlkCoffee from Twitter]. I love what I see so far.

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