I married have been for almost 22yrs and recently have fell in love with someone else....This other person I’ve known for 2 yrs but this last year we have become especially close...and wonderfully become intimate....I loved my friend even before sex and there was some hesitance beforehand. We are amazing as friends and even better as lovers...but it got too deep and I wanted more so they backed away and stopped the sex. We still remained friends although it was very difficult for me because I was in pure heat for this person....finally it got to where I couldn’t breath I wanted them so badly and the sex was back on and 10 times better than before. We go on vacation together...this person treats me better than anyone ever has...it was very easy for me to fall in love....They told me in the beginning they didn’t want to be the reason I ended my marriage and they aren’t totally...I’ve moved out into my own place and they haven’t even been to see me yet....the sex has stopped again without any rhyme or reason...but continues to treat me just as friends...if we spend any amount of time together they will take some days off from speaking or seeing me...call themselves stopping me from becoming too attached....also have let me know that they are sleeping with other people....everything about this relationship/friendship has totally been under their control....everything happens on their terms...never mine...I just adapt to what they want and have been ok with that. Just wanting to be with them...how do I not care for someone who clearly doesn’t truly care for me????....they tell me that they love me, but dont want to be in a relationship anyone right now....I’m dying here. “Sad In Atlanta”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sad In Atlanta”,
I think that you are searching for something new and you did not clearly take everything into account. This person you know for two years obviously is seeing you as you are, a married person having relations outside of their marriage. This isn’t the first of its kind but you made huge changes and are hoping for more than you are warranted. Of course the person hasn’t been to your new place yet, and that’s because you are no longer as thrilling as the married sneaking around person this other person entered the situation under. The constant pattern is this person backs away as you want more or displays/verbalizes your desire for more. These are red lights that should have had you re-evaluate the situation for what it truly is. The person said that there isn’t an interest in being in a relationship with anyone but I’m wondering if it’s just with you and this person is sparing your feelings somewhat. This is totally under their control for two reasons, one is because I’m very sure there is someone else this person is taking very serious and because this person doesn’t give you an equal value as this relationship was entered with you belonging with another and despite your initial attempt to fight it off; you gave in or initiated something you should never have. Now I don’t know if this being new after 22 years of marriage plays a factor in your head over heels love that this person is obviously not feeling in equality but the fact is this person isn’t what you thought as you weren’t to your married partner. You need to accept fact and not look for the fairy tale you assisted in misleading yourself to believe. You can’t turn off emotion in a second but the willingness to move forward holds people back more than actually moving forward. You need to stop holding on or trying to figure it out, the fact is that this will not blossom into anything and you need to be happy within yourself. Good luck and keep me posted.
Mr. Lover Man
In 2008, I lost a very good job and couldn't find work for a while; I eventually lost all self-worth, pride, etc. With that came a very bad attitude. Anyways, I am still currently married to the mother of my two kids, ages 3 and 2, but am separated. She says since Jan., but I was still in the house until July. The problems started in 2009 when I got busted for almost cheating on her, and by that, I mean the bf of the girl called my phone before any sexual activities occurred. Anyways, she lost all trust and respect for me. I found out that she was also cheating on me in late June, for approximately 2 months. Her and that guy broke up for a period of a few months, whereas she dated someone else, but now she is back with guy #1. Now, we have been in constant communication since July, and not always regarding the kids. She has even asked me to do various things for her that any Joe can do, and I have questioned that idea in my head numerous times. I have been told by my associates that when I get my things in order, i.e. job, apartment, and car, that she will flow towards me. Will I be a consolation prize or because we are still married, will it be reconciliation? Is there going to be reconciliation, or is she done with me. She has threatened divorce, over a month and a half ago, and told me to pick up all my things that remain at the house, but nothing has come out of that. She won't even let me have any pictures of us, i.e. wedding. What is going on here? Thank you in advance for your help. Lost and Confused
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost and Confused”,
There is a good chance that she just might come back to you when things are back in order for you, however, someone who isn’t willing to be by the side of their partner in marriage through good and bad times isn’t worth being with. As for her threats and lack of action in pertinence to you picking up your things, that could very well be in accordance with how well things are going with the next relationship she is in. Nonetheless, there is that issue of you cheating and almost engaging in sexual activity. That might have been something she isn’t over yet and could have catapulted her towards the relationships she has ventured into since. She needs time to release about her hurt other than finding new partners. I wonder if she was allowed to express how the betrayal and hurt felt without you trying to find excuses for your actions. These are things that are needed for healing. If you want things to be better than you have to be better and you have to come to her and put your cards on the table but only and I repeat ONLY after you allow her time and the opportunity to heal and express what’s within. Now there is no guarantees with results but I am very sure it will better than it is now. As for her asking you to do things anyone can do, don’t look too deep into that in hopes of finding something to hold onto. That’s a common misleading act people do. Look at facts and anything unclear, you ask for clarity. Try not to run with your hopes over facts. I know you wanted clarity as to where you would be a consolation prize or will it be reconciliation, and I hate to say it but without communication and healing, you are the consolation prize. You want it to be reconciliation and then honor her with opportunity to heal. Good luck and please keep me posted
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Can my marriage survive after there has been cheating? I want to earn my trust back because I have cheated on my husband once and although we agreed to work on it, it doesn’t seem like he is his same loving self. What can I do? Thank you. “Fighting for His Love”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Fighting for His Love”,
In a situation where distrust has emerged, one must allow the other person to heal in their own timely fashion. I understand that you want things to go back to the good times before you went and spread elsewhere but this will not be fully under your terms. You must allow your partner appropriate time for a healing within because although you appear to have better intentions now than when you were cheating but that doesn’t eliminate the hurt you husband felt. Communicate effectively and display love as much as you feel it. Things may not be the same but do not chase yesterday, make tomorrow great. Your focus should be being better and no more cheating. You should show love and work on making trust solid. Allow your husband a good healing time and let him let it out if needed. Communication will walk you through it all. Good luck and keep me posted.
Mr. Lover Man,
I am wondering what happened with my marriage. We have been married five years and now it seems like we are just friends with benefits. I miss the romance, I miss the public displays of affection and I sometimes feel like just friends hanging out instead of husband and wife walking down the street. I want to do things but I don’t because I don’t want to be rejected by my own husband. What should I do? I miss the fire. Thanks, “Lady Bug”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lady Bug”,
Unfortunately some marriages slip as time passes and if not addressed early, this will spiral to a failed marriage. It is great that you see it early and you want to do something about it. I wonder if you’re financial situation worsened or has there been any other environmental or emotional factors that has maybe steered the attention from your husband. If this is the case then I think you should communicate and offer self as a partner with equal ability to assist. If that isn’t the case then express your concern but never in an accusatory manner but in the same loving concern you express here. Plan a romantic getaway that matches your finances, take a night to go out and learn more about each other, there is always something going on in people’s minds daily. If necessary take a night to romance him somewhere other than the bedroom, make a new spark and be spontaneous. Hug him in the middle of the street; confess your love like you never have. Remind him of what attracts you to him. Make him feel your love again, make love infectious and communicate through the entire way. Good luck and please keep me posted.
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