My life is in circles and I don’t know where to turn to. I find myself attracted to the wrong people over and over again. I keep dealing with the tough street person knowing they are no good and they end up cheating on me or talking to me any way they feel they can. I love the aggression at times but not directed to me in a negative way. My friends tell me I am better than them but they physically turn me on. I would like a man who is successful but they don’t seem as tough as these street guys and I need my man to be tough. What should I do because constantly ending up hurt and alone isn’t what I want? Thank you. Circles.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Circles”,
The need for a man to be “tough” gives off the a message that you need a protector of some sorts or maybe someone who can deal with you because you may be difficult at times, however, whatever the case, I see that you have limited yourself when looking for any man to fill those shoes. You said successful men do not seem to be tough and I counter with, you obviously do not know many successful men. It takes a level of toughness that many do not have to be successful. Maybe you are attracted to the street person because you feel inferior to the success type. The root of the problem is you for sure and you can’t complain about something you knew would happen, that’s gets old and tiring fast. Often we avoid what we aren’t used to or won’t venture past our comfort zone because the fear of rejection is more possible. When this occurs, failure is almost a guarantee. You have to want more for yourself, enough that you past your comfort zone and venture into new worlds of possibilities. Don’t take this as a date-a-man-athon because that’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying that you need to dig within and place yourself in better situations so it can open you to a better opportunity with better men. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I think my husband tries to play me for an idiot. Every time we argue he tries to confuse me by bringing things up that are so off course and I just don’t know what to say so I walk away. It upsets me because I feel like he enjoys these arguments or enjoys trying to win them. Whatever it is it confuses me. What should I do? “Married & Confused”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Married & Confused”,
In a manipulative relationship there is a need of imbalance of power and that usually favors the manipulator. In this case these arguments that often confuse you can be a key to keep power in his grasps. However, you walking away gives you a false sense of control of your action because it was you that stormed off but in reality, he forced that and knew it would happen as it is a repetitive action. The manipulator (your husband) may have you think you have control but it is he who controls that situation. You need to express these concerns to him and before you see the argument arising, immediately inject yourself firmly and eliminate the power by letting him know you know what’s going on and rather talk like mature adults. Showing awareness of this manipulation will often break you free from his manipulating, deceptive ways. This just may be what he is accustomed to as a person, if this continues then this will need to further be addressed with professional help as this can destroy your relationship. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Hi Mr. Lover Man, I need your help please... I met this guy because of we were introduced by our mutual friend. He just vacationed in Indonesia for a few weeks (He’s a Dutch guy). We had a blind date and he said that he likes me and he told me everything about him. That he's a divorced man because of his wife was cheating on him. And the next day we have spent day together...we holding hands, kissing and slept together (but we didn’t having sex). He just too sweet with me. And then a couple days later he went out to Bali for next vacation, he's there for 3 weeks. But we keep contacted each other. But when he's in vacation he said that he's not ready for any relationship because he can't trusted any women due to his last relationship, but he said he like me and he needs time.
And after he's back we just met once. We had dinner and long conversation about some stuff. We're not talking about this relationship because I’m afraid of it and it's too earlier. He still had 4 days before he flies away to Holland but in the end of that day he said that he doesn’t want to see me again. Cause he doesn’t want to make everything difficult for us. He left me but still contacting me until now.
I can see that he had a very, very bad trauma about his wife cheating, and he doesn’t want had any relationship ever. But, unfortunately, I’m in love with him....I know it's weird but I do. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. But I don't know what I should do to make him trust me and at least open his heart for me. He's afraid if he falling in love again he could be hurt again. What should I do now? I just don't know what to do... Thank you Mr. Lover Man. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
There a couple things here that stand out and I think you are misleading yourself to avoid. One is that the constant message is that he does not wish to venture into a relationship and that he is not ready. The problem here is you give off the impression as if you think you can make him ready and that is something he has to heal from, not something like a gift that you can offer. He is clear with his message and you should not mislead yourself. If you enjoy his company and wish to continue to have it, you have to be honest with yourself as to what the situation is and embrace that without giving yourself away to something that has the chance of not growing. As far as you making him trust you, there isn’t much you can do than to just be yourself if you are truly a trusting person. There is no tactics and methods, or even an act in order to show that you are a trusting person if that is who you truly are. Just simply be you. At this point, it is ok to express self but not overstepping his position. If things start to get intimate, you have to ask where you guys stand because I know you need to protect your heart as well. None should mislead self or the other. Make communication the reason you guys either healthily move forward or safely move apart. Good luck and please keep in touch.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
3yrs ago today, I told my longtime off and on again Boyfriend that it was over and I haven't been the same since. I consistently keep choosing the wrong man. There are good men for others, but not good for me or even to me. Matter of fact, they have all chosen to give their attention to others while they were with me! Getting to know other women and putting me on the sideline. When I have addressed it with all of them, they tried to make it seem like I was crazy. But yet they are now seeing these women therefore just proving me right.
I know I'm the constant in this situation, but I truly don't know how to address it. I'm tired of talking to my single friends because they are in similar boats (unhealthy relationships). I have also tried talking to my step and god brothers and male friends but that goes nowhere fast since they all tell me the same thing "they are jerks and not worthy of you". But it happens again and again. I've changed where I'm meeting folks, opted for different types and all walks of life. But again, I am the constant! So I have recently deduced that I am not "relationship healthy" and this is now sending all my loved ones into a frenzy. You see, I'm in my 30's, engaged twice but never married and I have no children, alive that is. Which is the other issue. My mom has recently started on the "I want to be a grandmother" kick and it just makes me constantly think of my would have been 19yo daughter (No names). It started when my cousin’s daughter (born after mine) who was also named (no names) found out she was pregnant with her second child. But I digress.
My loved ones are screaming at me telling me that I'm crazy for thinking that it's my fault that these guys are all doing the same thing. But umm hello!!!! I am the Constant!!! Everyone feels that I am giving up. But I feel like I'm choosing to focus on my life, my joy and my happiness. But it's very hard especially when dealing with the fact that I am an only child and I know it hurts my parents that I haven't settled down or had a baby yet. The holidays made it worse with all the family photos reminding me that my lil one isn't here. I've joked and said that I was going to a sperm bank and my mother is now pushing that. But who wants to do it alone? I'm not financially ready to do it alone number one. And do I want to pass on this unhealthy relationship thing that I seem to have? Kids pick up on these things and I would try my best to show them how to be a lady and how to love a lady. But I can't teach them how to be a man or how to love a man. I have a lot of love inside me just dying to come out. I spend most of my time counseling others on their marriages and rekindling the fire. But yet, I'm so lost and I just don't know what to do about my situation. Any suggestions?
Lost
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost”,
Understanding you’re the constant is one thing and avoiding addressing the problem is another. You said that every man has given their attention to another, but before this even occurs, something is going on that isn’t mentioned here and that’s what needs to be addressed. The men get with you because obviously there is attraction there but something diverts their attention away and I am NOT saying its right but I’m saying that’s what needs to be addressed. We all have or had something that pushed/pushes others away and unless we address it, it will continue to do so. An easy cop out is “oh then they weren’t meant to be” but in reality we do lose good people by not addressing that. As for your family, I know all too well about the parents that want to be grandparents but this is about you right now. You do not reproduce life because of the need of another. You must know when you are ready and then make sure this is a decision that you will permanently be happy with. There is no return receipt on children. Do not feel lost in these life choices, start with the inner self and take time healing. There may be a need for professional help which I often recommend because the results are favorable. You have the right to be happy in every avenue of life; the best way to achieve that is happiness from within first. Best wishes and please stay in touch.
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