Monday, September 27, 2010


Dear Mr. Lover man,

My boyfriend has cheated on me; I knew he was because things were different. He confessed to three affairs after I caught him. We worked things out but now things are getting to the “different” level again. I sense he is cheating. He hides his phone; he has had nude pictures but swears his boys send them. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to lose him. I feel like we are soul mates and that love should be able to conquer all. How can I get him to change and realize what he has at home?
Thank you, Sarah Not Smiling

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sarah Not Smiling”,
If I could shake some sense into you I would. There is so much going wrong here and you have fueled it. Let me explain, you have an insensitive idiot for a boyfriend who only came clean because you caught him. Had you not caught him, he surely would be sexing others, and probably had emotions for them, if he doesn’t already. Your willingness to try to fix it is cute but not wise. You can not use love as an excuse for allowing this idiot to run all over you. You have assisted him in diminishing your worth. He does NOT respect you and I doubt he loves you. You are convenient because you accept things. With the way STD’s run rampant, I can’t believe you are accepting this. He is showing the same signs and you stumbled across nudes, yet you are willing to use “love conquers all” as a lame excuse to keep you trapped in a situation because of your own insecurities and you acceptance of this abuse. You need to believe that you deserve more, you deserve to experience real love, and you deserve to love yourself a bit more. You want him to see what he has at home? Sad thing is he does because you show him everyday. That’s why he is able to sleep around. Soul mates do not cheat, nor do they take advantage of each other as he does both to you. You need to detach physically in order to heal mentally and emotionally. You need to love yourself much more than accepting this. He takes advantage of your weakness. Be strong enough to love you first, love yourself more and true love will appear. He is not that person. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Ok so I broke my rule about not having sex with friends and I...had sex with a friend lol. We've always been attracted to each other, if I'm honest I'll say it basically the foundation of our friendship. We had sex once; almost a year ago the sex was ok. Neither one of us has ever spoken about that night, nor has he asked for seconds. When we talk there's no flirting, and when we hold long conversations it's like he's talking to anybody not like we once shared a night together. It drives me crazy!! I want him to come back for more, I want him to want me and it drives me crazy that he doesn't. My question is should I ask him why we never got together again- at this point it's not even that I want to, I just want to know why.
Thank you in advance for your response
Signed “Confused”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused”,
Well nothing is ever set in stone but there could be two things going on here. He could be feeding off the fact that you have never spoke about it either. He may be feeling the same exact way as you are and this is holding him back from conversing about this. Then again, there should have been a subtle hint of something, what this is leaning towards is maybe he just wants the friendship with you and nothing more. Yes to the surprise of many, there are men like that. Maybe something about the moment didn’t do it for him. The only way you will know is to communicate this. If this is a good friend that you feel you can discuss this with then you must inject this topic into the conversation. Be honest and open, remember that how you feel isn’t necessarily how he feels. Be willing to see things in more than one way and be happy that you were able to finally get this off your chest. At this point nothing is happening so telling him won’t make it worse. Remind him how much the friendship means to you, reassure him that no matter his feelings that the friendship is priority. Never stifle your true feelings, they are truly yours. Good luck, please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My story is kind of long…..however, here goes. There’s this guy I dated back in high school and we reconnected last year after 19 to 20 years. Well he lived in another state and I did as well. Well our situation started off pretty well. We started talking on the phone, and it was hours of endless conversations. As for me I hadn’t really dated anyone for about 3yrs after been involved for about 4yrs prior. I had been on a date here and there; but most of the guys were looking for nothing more than a good ole fun time and that wasn’t in my plans of getting to know someone. He was married at one point, but divorced after 8yrs and the marriage ended badly. The ex-wife was cheating, and he actually caught her and the guy together. They had a child that he later found out that was not his. Therefore, she lied to him for 9yrs of a child that wasn’t his. Well after being single for about a year he started see another female for which they had a child together…..that relationship didn’t last, it ended shortly after their child was born he left because he expressed to me she showed more interest in her friends rather than in their relationship; in their case there was an age difference (at their time of meeting she was 24 and he was 38). He stated she liked hanging at the club and he would find pictures were guys would be hugging and touching her in places he thought he should only be touching. I express to him those choices he made to be with each individual and those times have passed yet to find in his heart to forgive them; I stated those things because he had somewhat of a bitter side to him because of how these women treated him. I wasn’t trying to change this individual; my initial concept was to offer ways of forgiveness so he could move on with his life. We became close within a short time and I found a cool friendship with this individual, which made me want to get to know him more. Now, as to our encounter, he hadn’t been in a relationship with anyone within a year; but he did have a few friends with benefits, he was honestly in expressing that with me. Therefore, I in turn expressed to him I wasn’t seeing anyone but I would like to see where this could go with us and he agreed. I went to visit him for a weekend get-away and it was great but after the visit he seemed somewhat distance and if you’re pondering, yes we ended up having sex. A note to say we didn’t have sex when I dated him in high school. Our conversations became lesser and him somewhat withdrawn. I became somewhat of a pest to his actions because I asked a mountain of questions to what was going on and if he still had interest in me. Well it distant him more, and I didn’t know I was pushing him that more further away from me. I guess I pushed too far, and rather than talking to me he sent an email expressing that he was dealing with some issues that he, himself needed to sort out but I couldn’t hold off til he dealt with his problems. Therefore, he stated that he hadn’t been talking to many people at the time he was dealing with his issues. I apologized for my pestering actions and stated I apologized if I thought our connection was more than what it was. Well as a few months passed I couldn’t get him out my head so I tried reconnecting with him, and his actions with me were somewhat distantly mean. When I called he would answer but the conversation would be vague and I was trying on every effort to make it a descent conversation but he would just be short and harshly sassy. I would talk about us getting to know each other but he just totally assume I wanted this full flesh relationship yet I was only trying to get to know this person and maybe one day us together find a relationship with each other. I know friendship before relationship is a keep to getting to know someone. However, I found out he would be engaging with others and yet telling me he wasn’t looking for anything and yet he was considering a relationship with one particular person; however, she was giving him the cold shoulder (the same one he was giving me). Well, he stated he had friends with benefits and he still wasn’t looking for anything and I accepted that. Well I invited him on a trip with me and he took the offer and came with me….the trip was nice, but I was still left with no answers to where this left us. He still maintains that he wasn’t looking for anything at the moment, but was engaging with several other women even some very young. Well he lost his job and I have been trying to assist him in finding work and passing his resume to others and networking for him. I know he has nothing in mind for us and I’m not even considered an option as to a relationship. He don’t know that I know about someone he solely dating now for which when the last time we had a conversation as to getting to know each other, he continues to maintain he’s not thinking about anything like that but I know for a fact he’s spending time with this other individual. I keep wondering what was it I don’t or didn’t have to distant him so much from me. I just wanted him to be honest with me and it would have been ok although it would have hurt. Well I’ve made the choice to not contact this person anymore; but he’s told someone I know that he wants us to be friends and he’s not going to tell me about this person he’s seeing because he think it will make him lose all concepts of us being friends….he’s waiting to the right time to tell me. My question is why should I consider this person as a friend, because friends wouldn’t have done what he did?! I really care for this man in more ways than one and I don’t think I can just be his friend; and from his actions I know there may not be any chance for us on his behalf, yet he wants my friendship?!
Signed, “Hurt”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Hurt”,
This is a rough one. Sadly, this guy is playing a game with you. He didn’t have any interest in you that was serious. He showed it until he slept with you. Typical asshole. Your seeking him and caring for him is not who he is, it is who he portrayed before you slept with him. The distant asshole is who he is, the after sex person is who he is. He no longer had to impress you or give you a lot of time because in the asshole way of thinking, he already scored. Now there could have also been that when you went to see him, he didn’t find anything for than a sexual connection and gave you the distant cold shoulder because he isn’t man enough to say he is not into you in such a manner but instead says that he is going through stuff and isn’t looking for anything serious with anyone, yet, he is with someone else. Once again, another asshole excuse. You do not need to engage or indulge in any activity with this individual. A friendship isn’t needed either because he isn’t friend worthy as honesty is a great friendship quality. You need to discontinue contact and heal within. You are more than this situation and you deserve a man who will honor your true worth, however, if you continue to engage in socialization it’s because you have allowed him to determine your worth. Be more than that. God luck, please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Actually I have two questions:
1) Is "I love you" worth accepting if it comes from someone who cheats and has no remorse about it?
2) Can a person be driven, pushed, or made to cheat?
Just want to know your thoughts.

Nothing is worth accepting when a person is cheating and on top of it being a remorseless idiot about it. If someone accepts that, it shows the worth they see of themselves and allows the other person to walk all over them. The person obviously will never respect the weaker person accepting this. As for your second question, the answer is yes and no. Yes someone can feel pressured, pushed and driven to doing it but ultimately the decision is theirs. No matter what it is a decision and not a mistake. It is something thought out and done without care of the other party. Love isn’t present when these acts are going on and no matter what; it is the person’s choice.

1 comment:

Queen eb said...

Thank you for saying this! People make an effort to do exactly what they want to do! What YOU do is determined by you and you have to decide if you will stay in a "poor excuse" relationship or if you will walk! Sometimes it is okay to stay if you are married and trying to work it out, but usually once that trust is broken, it never comes back! I hope this lady moves on! People cheat because they want to! Simple, not complicated!

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