Monday, September 20, 2010


Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Don't know where to start. There's this guy I've being somewhat seeing for 5 1/2 years off and on. We go our own ways and some how keep coming back around. Basically we started to get to know one another 5 years ago and he had just started seeing someone. Basically we started sleeping together and I was cool with the idea and kept doing me. He'd come around with mix feelings and wanted to play the couple game. I was like what are you doing, you have someone. He never responded.
Then he'd go back and forth and say we can't be together when I hadn't asked to be. Long story short, we part for a few months or so and then the same thing. He and his girlfriend have broken up several times. He came to me and told me he was going to get married and I said congrats! He was angry and said that's it?! Tell me how you feel. I told him, you're the one getting married not me and I wouldn't intervene. I did after he left tell him, I thought he was making a mistake 'cause if he was ready, why have you been involved with me while with her? I think she has ties with the family, not to make an excuse. He did not get married and I had my sis check records. She works in civil court. I've been told by some he wants me, but he's not sure how to take me. Basically he's more dominant and I'm not pushy, but not passive. Now he says he wants to say hello and wants a hug. We haven't seen each other in four months. There's been several times he ask me about the future, do I want to get married and so on, but then stops himself. Earlier of the year, I think he wanted me to be pregnant, he kept asking if I was then became mad. Crazy I know. He asked me what I wanted with him earlier. BTW, we've went at one point almost two years without sleeping together, but talking.
My question to you is why does he keep coming around and do he wants anything. He says he's done yet come back. We both do. This has gone on for almost six years. By the way he's younger than I by six years. He's a Scorpio, I've had many! (Lol) Now he's 27 or 28, I'm 34. It just happened.
Thanks. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
There is a lot wrong with this relationship. First thing before I even continue, I want to say that you both have created this situation.. With that bring said I'll begin.. There is hope for our promise of anything ever neutralizing that's worth more than it had ever been. A part of him will never consider you his number one and that's why he can venture elsewhere as far as almost being married. The fact that he seems to always return mostly means its because he knows her won't be rejected there. It never is because a guy realizes that's where he needs to be. When a breakup happens or things are in doubt on one relationship, guys want to feel validated also, they return to where they know they won't be alienated you are the person that always accepts him back no matter what. He is used to that& there’s more comfort or being content than there is promise of love. Those lil games guys plays when they tell you about the next one and want a response from you is to validate his place. Guys always want to know they can return. Its more who than love. Guys don't ever wish to be forgotten. You need to get a clear and concise answer. Don't try to figure him out, straight up ask him on three phone before u even meet up. Meeting up well only repeat the cycle. Nobody wants to meet up for a hug. That is a play on female sentiment that men often do. I say communicate & demand that he puts his expectations on the table. You are worth much more than an almost 6 yr on and off confusion filled sexcapade/dysfunctional friendship. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have a four year old son. His dad and I are not together. When I had the opportunity to move to a new place, I stayed upstate primarily because I wanted my son to have a relationship with his dad. His dad took our breakup very badly--even though he was unwilling to make any changes to prevent it. At the end, the relationship was emotionally abusive even though he doesn't think so. We commute to work together and now he is acting so nasty. I need to move and I am considering a move back to the borough where my family is. I have no other support upstate and there is no public transportation. I want my son to have a good relationship with his dad but I also feel that having some peace of mind is important. I have tried to talk to him but he always brings up the fact that I have dated someone else and the bitterness is relentless. How do I strike a balance between emotional piece and an active dad for my son?
Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Some of the worst situations are when a child is involved. I applaud your effort to sacrifice for the relationship of your son and his father. The relationship carries too much pain to be able to co-exist in a healthy manner at this point. The emotional peace may not be obtainable on his end; this is something you have to accept within. He hasn’t been able to seek that. That does not mean it isn’t possible, it’s just that maybe not enough is being done on both ends to make that a reality. He needs to release his anger in a productive manner and I don’t see that happening anytime soon. At this stage you must make a decision that is best for you and your son. The relationship you have with your son’s father is strained and it concerns me that ultimately how it will affect your son. Remind the father that at this point there is no other important communicating other than being great parents that can co-exist in a healthy fashion for the well being of your son. Communicate your concerns, let him know what you are considering and find out what his stance will be. His relationship with his son is important but there must be common ground. Be firm with your position, your concerns and your possible plans. I wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hey, I have a question for you. Why is it that when men lose their jobs they become a different person? My man lost his job after 15 years there& he actually told me he wanted to mourn over his job, meanwhile bills still had to be paid. He wanted to sit on his butt and choose what jobs he would & would not take. And he even decided it was time to verbally take things out on me. (FYI I’m single now because that just wasn't an option. Saw it becoming physical & I put him out.) Anyway I understand it maybe an ego thing but why can't a man just get past it & move on especially when the woman is still holding down the fort?

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Desiree,
Sadly there is a societal pressure that equates employment (amongst other things) as a symbol of manhood. This goes strong in affecting the psyche of the male and often breaks him down. I’m not saying pity this man, but I’m saying that for the entire life of a male, there is an unfair pressure that is supposed to be associated with “man”. He obviously wasn’t strong enough in many eyes to deal with his job lost but all too often I have seen people not want to change professions or accept a lesser role or job and this ruins them in some way. His verbal release to you may have been a lot of negative feelings he felt about himself. He may have taken things you said harsh and not think you understood his losing that job after 15 years probably meant a lot more to him than he expressed. Nonetheless, the ego thing is societal induced. This isn’t something a man chose, it was placed on his lap early in life by parents, teaches and communities. There was gender roles placed since the age of two. Boys weren’t allowed to express the same tears girls were and so on. That doesn’t mean he had to be an asshole about it. Many men accept the role of a good woman that can hold the fort, this man in particular couldn’t get past the silly role he adopted willingly or not.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am asking about the returning ex. I have one who will enter into my life, make it known he just wants to be friends, but then he'll sort of press the relationship issue. Considering the fact that he and I fought a lot when we were together, I just don't know how I feel about getting back together with him. But once I let it be known that I don't think it's a good idea, we'll fight about it and end up not talking...for a while. But we always end up talking again. What do I do? What do you think the basis for the uncertainty is? Is it because he's afraid of how he feels? Thanks, Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
You stand your ground. He isn't clear about his definite position because there lays doubt within. A relationship that carries heavier doubt than certainty will not succeed. This in and out routine becomes the base of why hasn’t and probably never will flourish further for a long period of time. I say that you move forward and do not entertain this any more. I think it’s because he wants too many different things at different times. You don't appear too be a priority full time for him and that concerns me. This seems to be more about convenience. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes you just have to walk away.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Lover Man, I just met this guy 7 months ago and we have become social friends and nothing more, I mean No Sex or nothing... but I have begin to express feeling toward him but he is giving me mixed signals. I approached him with a DIRECT Question about how he felt ...and he made 2 statements,1 was that I was not getting mixed signals from him and the other was "Im (he) gay" well I know better with out a doubt in my mind that He is definitely not gay. and then He litterally "Bolted" before I could even respond. Can You Tell me "WHY" he reacted that way to that topic.? Him and I can talk about anything else not relating to love but last night I hit a BIG NERVE that apparently sent him 'SKY ROCKETING" ...He was not mad though... Sincerely "VERY CONFUSED"

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