Sunday, July 24, 2011


Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I am a girl in her late 20s in a long distance relationship for almost a year. I moved to London about a year back to study and my Boyfriend of 5.5 years is still back home. I love him and we have been pretty serious about each other and plan take things to the next level (marriage) eventually. We have always been very sexually active and both of us have a pretty good sex drive. I had planned to go back home in April and see him but I couldn't for various unavoidable reasons. We regularly have cybersex and we talk a lot over phone too. And like every other couple we have fights and disagreements but nothing serious. Overall I am pretty happy with my relationship.
Around 2 months back I met this married man at a club. We were both drunk and so things got a little hot. We didn't kiss or anything but he nibbled on my neck and ear for a few minutes and I enjoyed it, until I came back to senses and pulled away. A month later I bumped into him again (which was totally bizarre) and he apologized for his previous behavior and we danced, this time pretty decently. But ever since that night I couldn't take him off my mind. I started (sexually) fantasizing about him. One day I gave in to my urges and added him on a social networking site. He and I have been chatting and flirting casually (within boundaries) as friends for a month. Recently, we both got really busy and didn't chat for 3 weeks and I was quite happy that the fascination and infatuation had finally died. But yesterday, something weird happened. We started chatting and one thing led to another and before we knew it, a stupid Truth-only game had turned into cybersex. We both were totally aroused and masturbated. He told me how he'd imagined me before and wanted to kiss me. He mentioned that he would like to have sex with me too but he would only dance, kiss and go down on me if I went out with him because those are the only things possible in a club. He says that since I have a boyfriend and he has a wife, there's no way we'd go any further than that. So that way it would be a no-strings-attached 'fun' thing. Apart from the 2 meetings we had, we've never met and haven't planned to meet again yet. We don't even have each other's phone number. None of us actually plan to leave our partners. My boyfriend knows everything except this yesterday's incident. He's been very understanding and patient about my sexual desires. The man's wife doesn't know that I exist.
My problem is that even though I know it would be morally wrong and unfair towards our partners, I am feeling so sexually-deprived that I am actually considering this 'fun' thing. I want to give into this temptation at least once. This married man is everything I want physically right now. I am not at all emotionally attached to this man and do not intend to wreck his home. This man doesn't feel guilty about deceiving his wife so it is up to me to decide whether I want to have a clandestine arrangement with him. Do you think this could work? Have you come across cases where a no-strings-attached arrangement helped people satisfy their sexual needs? What should I do? I somehow haven't been attracted to any single men who approached me in the past year. It's only this man I am so terribly attracted to. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
Could this work? Works meaning have meaningless sex with someone you don’t know who is married and although you are involved, totally disregarding your boyfriend’s feelings to get sexed by some guy you met at a club? Oh, yes, that “can” work but that doesn’t mean it will. Let’s take a mature look at everything here before we walk into a situation one regrets later on. First thing, you have two innocent victims here, one being the wife, whom neither of you can guarantee will never find out about this selfish act nor you can’t guarantee she won’t be hurt. Same goes for your boyfriend, can you guarantee he will never find out? Maybe, he never finds out but this actions is rarely if ever just a onetime thing. There will always be some lame excuse for sex elsewhere as long as one keeps convincing self it’s a valid reason. Getting through it the first time is the hardest but it can become thrilling to the point that one loses the real value of a strong, loyal and loving relationship. You attempt to sex some guy you barely know removes the label loyal from your end of the relationship. People will always find someone they will be attracted to other than the person they are with but acting on it is where lines are crossed. I think you should not engage in such an act but if you choose to do so and then you will have to carefully plan this and remove all contact with this man afterwards. Delete/block him from all social media and make it clear that he is to never contact you again. Then test yourself before you engage in sexual acts with your boyfriend. Good luck with your decision. Keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been married for 10 years and have one beautiful daughter whom I adore, but my wife stopped loving me more than 7 years ago and has been romantically involved with other men for the last four years. You are probably wondering why I have accepted these affairs but I have so for the sake of my daughter's happiness and because my wife and I, despite the lack of physical affection, still enjoy stable friendship. Here’s the thing, I have met another woman. The closeness of this new friendship has only confirmed the distance that is of my marriage. My emotional life is suddenly resurging and I would welcome some advice on how I should deal with the situation. My new friend finds herself, like me, in a marriage that has failed. Although our situation is not, at least yet, sexual, we both are very close from being so. I enjoy spending time with this woman and I can’t stop thinking about her. “Trapped but found freedom”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Trapped but found freedom”,
One of the problems I have is always the one that says “I’m doing this for my child”. Ultimately one must be happy to be a better person for their child. It seems that you and your wife can have a very civil conversation about what is a good arrangement for your daughter and both of you in divorce. You child would have liked to grow up knowing both her parents are happy with life. If you are only with your wife to keep your daughter happy, I understand and am here to say, you don’t have to play husband to be a great father. Nonetheless, you are in a situation that has riled up some emotion and I think that before you engage fully, be 100% sure that this new woman isn’t temporary as the hope of your once happy marriage returns to being so. If you have absolutely zero doubts that the marriage with your wife is over other than parenting, then you need to make sure when taking the next step with this new woman that she is fully aware of your situation and you are completely honest with everyone.
My concern is that you asking me for advice on what you should do are telling me that you aren’t 100% sure you are done with your wife. Think of everyone involved and their feelings think of what you really want. Don’t lose sight of the fact that you deserve to be happy and you need to invest in that. As long as you are clear with how you feel and honest with yourself and the others directly in the situation, then go with what makes you happier. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am in an unhappy marriage and am dating outside of my marriage. My boyfriend is also in an unhappy marriage and we have been friends for about three years prior to our dating. The problem is that we both are bothered by the situation of returning home and having to be sexual with our married partners. What can we do to ease these feelings? Thank you in advance. “Unhappily Married”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Unhappily Married”,
Aren’t we the selfish type? I understand when sex and emotions are involved that sometimes a moment of irrationalities can occur. However, let’s be honest with ourselves here, you are cheating, the other man is cheating and instead of being honest and mature about the situation, you are concerned with him sleeping with his wife? He is concerned with you sleeping with your husband? Two disloyal cheaters and two unwilling victims and you have the audacity to be concerned about married people sleeping together? Let me tell you that there is a strain in living a secret life and it can cause more stress than joy. If you aren’t ready to move on from your husband and him from his wife, then you should consider the heartache that will be cause if this secret is uncovered. I see your determination to have this affair outside of your marriage and being that you will continue to do so, understand that at the end of it, this could have possibly brought you more harm than pleasure. As for you easing the worry and feelings in relation to you guys sleeping with your married partners, well that doesn’t come easy. The fact is, you guys are not in a committed relationship to either of your partners and must draw lines of concern where it deems fit. If you aren’t exclusive then accept the fact that he is on a nightly basis having passionate sex, doing the things he does with you, with her. Not a good feeling huh? Neither is it to know your wife is cheating on you, especially with her friend that I’m sure he trusts you with. Make the mature decision. Good luck.

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