Saturday, February 27, 2010


Help me Mr. Lover Man ,

I was dating this guy for about 2 years, one of those years he was with his ex but he was unhappy, he got me pregnant in that first year but we grew closer and eventually got together and he left her. Now we have a 6 month old daughter and all of a sudden he wants to go back to his ex and I’m not happy because I’m not letting him bring her around my daughter at all. He tells me if I don’t let him have his daughter when he wants her he ain’t gonna help out with the money I need for her. I don’t want to go through child support because he said that he wont give no more money or help other than child support if I file. I am struggling and really don’t know what to do. I want to know why he left me to go back to her if he wasn’t happy. I don’t want that bitch (excuse my language) near my child and even though he said she wont be, I don’t believe him cause they living together again. I feel like he still was with her the whole time we was together cause how could he just want to go back like that? Help me please.
Thanks, Confused and Alone

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Confused and Alone,
This is a classic case of the “side piece” thinking she got a promotion until reality hit. Entering this situation, you were the other woman, the side piece, the runner up, the less respected, the sexually experimented, the option not the priority, the back up singer, the existent when it was time to be used (doesn’t sit well? Good, that is what harsh reality does). In your own world you led yourself (with his lying help) to believe that paradise awaited the moment he left her for you. You went for this ever so popular lame story and although a part of me wants to feel sorry for you, but, you did put yourself in a relationship with a man in a relationship. You have to accept that this is a fault of your own. With that being said, lets address your questions, I want to start off by saying that you NEED to file for child support to ensure the fact that your daughter has a second financial support system, as she should. This is not about you whatsoever, this is about the life you both made in the course of him cheating on his girlfriend with you. As for you not wanting her around your daughter, I would be able to appreciate this sentiment if I believed that this was in protection of your daughter more so than the jealousy of her having him. He needs to be in his daughter’s life. Your unwillingness to do so because of your insecurity of her being next to your daughter is juvenile at best. One day you will move on and you may have a situation where a man will be a part of your daughter’s life, should your daughter’s father ban that forever? This is a game that should not exist. His willingness to be there for his daughter should be honored because you are not the only maker and parent. Now he isn’t no saint here, that idiot cheated, lied and now is trying to use his manipulation to have his daughter as see fit to himself. You both need to either sit down as adults and work out time for your daughters needs, or settle this in family court. Either way it has to be done with your daughter’s best interest at heart and not about the lies you both lived. As for him going back to her, well what did you expect? You were the shoulder to lean on, the side piece, and very rarely and I mean very rarely does that amount to more than what it was during the time you were the side piece. You deserve to be someone number one but you need to know your value first. You need to love yourself more than your situation. Take time to focus on yourself within and your daughter. Do not seek out for him other than your daughter’s father because he will never be more to you. Good luck and please let me know how this plays out. I wish you the best.

Mr. Lover Man, Mr. Lover Man,

My husband of 20 years and who is 45 years old left me a year ago for a woman half our age (I am 44 years old). I am suffering inside and our daughter and my friends say I should just go out and move on. I don’t know how. How do I throw 20 years away just like he did? I am a very good looking woman for my age or any age at if I must say. I am a fitness instructor and nutritionist and I have spent my life in good health and here I am with a torn heart and no way of healing it. It bothers me that he left me for what I believe to be a trophy, he is a very good looking man and I can see why she would want my husband but he threw away 20 yrs of marriage and I have this feeling like I’m frozen in hurt and the world is moving forward without me. Is it too soon for me to get over it and are my friends and 18 year old daughter being irrational to think I should go out so soon? Thank you in advance to your insight. Sincerely, Lost in Transition

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Lost in Transition,
This is a heartbreaking situation but not a life ending one. There could be many reasons why an idiot, I mean a person leaves their situation. I don’t know if any fit this here but men have left for younger women to try and defy the feeling of age and to relive youth they are afraid they lost or are losing. Maybe there was a sense of unhappiness not communicated, maybe he grew apart and you didn’t realize it. None of these soften the blow of departure after 20 years but maybe can shed a little bit of light. I can understand how painful this is for you and I do want to say that although your friends and daughter’s advice is in your best interest, you have to find healing within. You may need a professionals assistance in order to ease this transition. There comes a point where his reasons for leaving may make you think it helps but doesn’t. You need to focus on more of you and less of him, you need to find a way to realize the gift you are. I do not expect you to get over anything in a certain time period but be willing to want to get over it. Do not sulk in sorrow purposely. Your 20 years of marriage and your young age of 44 are not symbols of failure but symbols of the opposite. You must keep the good memories and remember that the best thing about memories is making new ones. Life awaits you when you are ready to grab it by the horns. Flaunt your stuff, wear your intellect, embrace your value, stand tall and never give up on love. You are still in a position to wear happiness on a daily basis. You are not expected to give up your memories but should be willing to make new ones. The story of your life has not ended, a new chapter has begun. This may be the chapter of surprise and new additions that you need to spice up life. Do not walk with gloom, walk knowing how wonderful you are. I wish you the best, please keep me posted on how life treats you.

I saw your face book posting about not spending child support money on yourself. I don’t see why not? Let me tell you that it is hard to raise kids (I have 3 and my 3 deadbeat baby fathers child support don’t cut it) so when I feel the need to treat myself for my hard work to raise my kids (7, 5,and 2) I do so. It isn’t like their fathers are going to treat me. I need a moment to myself and if I need the money to get a night out, its not like me using that money is gonna make my kids starve. They are fed, clothed and clean all the time. You are a man so you do not know what its like to have to go through what I go through raising three kids when their fathers do not help at all other than their child support. I need someone to who is going to be there to get them dressed in the morning, help make them dinner, take them to school, be the male role model they need. Child support does not do that, so if I choose to use the extra money for myself then its all good because I make sure they are well fed. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
How is this even real? Did you not read what you wrote before you sent it? Do you not understand the concept of “child” support? Let me start off saying that the purpose for child support is solely support for your child. Not for you to treat yourself for doing what you are supposed to do. You say its hard raising three kids, well that I’m sure it is, but was it so hard to put on a condom those three times? You made decisions you must stick out. You have mothered three kids with three men who refuse to be anything more than a paycheck for your kids and I despise men like that. That’s a disgusting act, just as it is to spend your children’s money as some form of reward for doing what you are supposed to do as a parent. The reward for parenting is parenting. Parenting is a gift, a beauty, a true loving part of life. The reward for working hard for your kids is having great children, not spending their money to treat yourself. Your kids do NOT owe you anything for being a mother. You state how well your kids are off but let me tell you, the “extra” money that is theirs should be banked and saved for college or a rainy day for them. I hope that the usage of their “extra” money for you does not bite you in the ass one day. You also made the claim of wanting a man to help take your kids to school, cook and etc., well you need to find out why it is you attract the type of man you do. Three kids from three deadbeats all in the same age range (7,5 and 2) is a concern. You should see a professional early on and this could prevent any affect it may have on the children. Your gender based comment about me being a man and not understanding would normally fall on deaf ears as it is not only childish but beyond absurd but I will say that I do understand because as a parent, as a professional, as a man and humanitarian of people, it isn’t about gender in your case, its about decisions one makes. You need to own up to those decisions in order to make better decisions and be able to prosper in life. I wish you the best.

To Mr. Lover Man,
I have a problem but before I put it out there I don’t want you to think I am a player because I am not. I really like these two girls I’m dealing with and I really am having a hard time choosing one over the other. One of them is dating another guy and that bothers me but I don’t say nothing because so am I. I’m trying to be fair about that. The other girl does not know but the one dating does. I don’t know who to choose, they both are knock outs and both in college, both have good jobs and both make me happy. The thing is one makes me happy for different reasons than the other and I feel like if they were put together then I would have the perfect girl for me. I just don’t want to hurt any of them and I know if I don’t choose, this is going to turn out bad for me. How do I go about this? Thanks, Threes a crowd.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Threes a crowd,
This is a situation that is sensitive and must be dealt with honesty. Sadly, if the women whom are involved are into you as you claim to be into them, this will lead to someone being hurt. It isn’t fair to the one that isn’t aware that this is happening, especially if you are misleading her to believe other wise. People want at some point in their lives to be exclusive, to be the one and only and I don’t know the women’s intention but I do know you claim that one is dating another. Is she ready to give that up for you? Is she ready to make a choice? You seem to be under the impression that you choosing solves all issues and it doesn’t. What would the other one choose if she knew the situation you placed her in? The risk of std exposure as you are dating another who is dating another. Do you think about other than yourself? If you believe these women value you and these women are of value to you, then you need to come clean. You stated that you are trying to be fair about this and yet you haven’t indicated how you are doing so because I do not see that, nonetheless, there are other parties involved, sit and communicate with them individually. Find out their position, come clean, assert yourself and you reasoning, be sincere and honest. Wish you luck, and please keep me posted.

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