Wednesday, October 20, 2010

WHEN ITS OVER, ITS OVER..

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I always wondered if you break up with someone, should you still try to be their friend? My ex girlfriend wants to be friends but then she is always brings up her broken heart or tries to use sex as a tool to resurface what is dead to me. Maybe I shouldn’t be having the sex with her but she gives it up easily so I just do it. I see this “friends” idea she has is a bad one. Should I keep trying to be her friend? Thanks “Friends”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Friends”
You really are a piece of work; often men like you never cease to amaze me with your rationale with sex. So basic and immature to have sex with her knowing she is emotionally involved, only to immediately cut her off. Your ex girlfriend is having a hard time detaching and shouldn’t be using sex as a tool to keep you guys together because that is just plain stupid. What’s equally stupid is the notion that it is ok to engage in this activity knowing she is hurt and acting desperate. Why don’t you honestly tell her what you feel? Tell her you guys shouldn’t be partaking in any sexual activities and that friendship this soon would not be best until there is a mutual detachment that would make a healthy friendship possible. Many couples try friendships because one party usually can’t detach and desperately needs some form of contact and the other feels sorry and goes along with it. This is not a friendship, it is a pity case. You need to finally step your maturity up and do the right thing by nipping this pity cry in the butt and give her time to heal. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
So I have been dating this guy for a few months and things between us were great. Great conversations, great sex life and we have tons of fun together. He asked me to be exclusive with him which I agreed to be and I couldn't have been happier.
A week after asking me to be exclusive things changed, he doesn't call anymore, I haven't seen him in a month and he keeps making excuses every time I try to visit him. I have texted and emailed him trying to find out what's going on but no straight answers. He keeps saying he is super busy and just don't have the time. He doesn't initiate any communication with me and of course I feel like a fool calling him and texting him to find out what's going on. Why do guys pull this disappearing act? And why can't they be up front with you so you know what's going on and if you should move on.
Should I just assume that it's over between us? What the he'll happened? Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The disappearing act is always one of the most confusing. It leaves one with questions unanswered and we always want answers, often answers we wish to hear. Some men (people in general) avoid because they aren’t mature enough to be honest. They feel they do not want to bear the responsibility of hurting the person or they just don’t care enough to give the respect warranted. Either way, you have to put yourself first in this situation and detach instead of waiting or trying to force answers by communication. He isn’t making you a priority, and then you need to make him obsolete. You are worth more and deserve better. You did your part and when you thought things were great he disappeared. Two things come to my mind and of course it could be many things but maybe he didn’t see it as good as you and maybe he was just going along with it until he found a way out by avoiding you. The second is maybe he got serious elsewhere and you were a pastime. No one ever wants to hear that but usually a man’s sudden departure and disappearing act is because of those two reasons. Whatever his reason does not matter as much as the fact that you need to put you first and you need to make it better for you. Eliminate contact in full, He doesn’t initiate contact anyway. That’s a clear message that he doesn’t wish to be bothered by you. Don’t focus on why he isn’t upfront. Take his message as a clear one. You deserve more. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it possible for someone to not be able to get over their ex after 5 years? My boyfriend had told me he wasn’t over her and was trying to get over her when we first met. We have been together now 5 months and it seems like he still is onto her. Lately he has been texting her, I haven’t stumbled across any warning signs that I know of but I have been feeling second lately. Would you date a person like that? Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Attention… Attention!!! You said you have not stumbled across any warning signs? HELLO!!! He having contact with her as of late and still not being over her is a clear warning sign in itself. You guys have 5 months together and his primary goal seems to be reconciling something with her. This appears to be a clear case of having someone around because he doesn’t want to be alone and you are fitting the bill. You entering this situation was a risk you took, an unhealthy gamble that I would never recommend that. You have invested emotion in a situation where you appear to be the major investor while he is still occupied elsewhere. Once you feel second in your relationship, there is trouble in paradise and you need to communicate these feelings effectively. You have the right to convey this message and let him know what you find unacceptable and in doing so, allow him a moment to express his feelings too. You never know what you may find. Be firm in you stance but do not be too firm as to make this an argument and not conversation. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How do I heal from a broken relationship when he has someone else and he also lives directly across the street? How can I get over the pain of being cheated on and dumped, but then I see him so happy with her and its not like I deserved it. I thought things were good. I see him all the time. It seems like he isn’t bothered by this at all. He is already with someone else. How do you throw away 3 years? I was just dropped out of nowhere and he is not even taking anything to heart about what we shared together like nothing happened between us at all. I just don't understand how someone can do that, he seems so cold and heartless. Thank you from “Can’t Let Go”.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Can’t Let Go”,
You will never get over the pain because you are fixated on things that do not concern you. So what he got over you quick, so what he moved on. Boo-Hoo. Now are you going to just keep worrying about how he feels or focus on getting over it? It doesn’t feel fair when someone just dumps you but at this point he does not want to be with you and that is a clear message. It is always best to end something that doesn’t work instead of dragging it on. He may or may not be right but he made a choice he felt was best for him and it’s about time you do the same for you. You claim you want to get over it but you’re fixated on him; you need to be fixated on you. You need to realize your worth and you need to surface that. Take time to do things you weren’t able to do with him, find the things you love and engage in them. Stay busy and when thinking of that situation, remind yourself that his selfish inconsiderate self was not worth you time. This is not easy and often we make it harder on self than we should. What makes this particularly complex is the fact that he lives across the street. One thing you are not going to do is move. You are going to live forward and live knowing his decision was the best decision you never had to make. Now you need to make the decision of being better without him because I promise you, you are much better without him. There is no overnight solution here but staying busy and slowly detaching will assist efficiently. He is living his life, not living yours only hurts you. Good luck, please keep me posted.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey, i've been in a relationship with him for around 8 months.. but we broke up because we fight almost everyday, since we first broke up.. he said he doesn't love me anymore, but his actions shows love... i don't know why but deep down i know he still have feelings for me, but his just on denial... what can i do to make my relationship works ? thanks

India Celeste said...

I think you give really good advice...most of it consists of things I would say. You are very objective and also very direct. The first thing I do after a break-up is give myself a set number of days to feel down, up to 14 depending how long the relationship was, and then after that, FORGET ABOUT IT. You're right, sometimes you're going to still feel those feelings, but at some point you have to put your reason and logic above the emotion because the emotion will keep you trapped when your logic can help you heal. KUDOS!!

Stress Management Training said...

I must say that advice is trick to help people around and you have excelled in it.

ASK MR. LOVER MAN said...

Dear Anonymous, maybe you should consider the fact that he doesnt want to be with you. Letting go is hard but he is being blunt about his feelings,maybe you are taking his actions as a caring person or him still caring a little as love. He says he doesnt love you anymore, you need to assess the situation away from him to see how you see things. Never drag yourself through the mud. Sit him down on final time. Put your cards on the table. What his decision is will stand. Hope the best for you.

ASK MR. LOVER MAN said...

Thank you so much India. That means alot

Ab said...

Sometimes, things are easier said than done! You loved the other person at a point and time, so when someone can walk away and ignore you that easily, it hurts....

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