BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR...

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have been married for 4yrs been with my husband for a total of 10yrs, we have a son that is 4yrs old. We got married when I was 7mths pregnant; it was the right thing to do. I knew that this man wasn't my soul mate, but he was/is very good father and a very good man. Starting two years ago I got very close with a man from work, which is also married. He pursed me till he finally got what he wanted, between all that times we fell in love, he left his wife twice and I finally gave in and asked my husband to move out. We have such a great connection and we are alike in so many ways. Things got a little crazy when his wife found out. She threaten him with his son, so after my husband moved out we kept on being with each other, until eventually his family found out about us, made him feel guilty about breaking up my family. To make a long story short, he went back to his wife, my husband never found out; I was very much depressed after his decision that I ended up 3 months after he left me to move in with my husband. It’s very complicated because we still work together, and we have tried to stay away from each other but didn't work. He still wants to be friends we haven't done anything sexual in 5months but just kiss and stuff at work. How do I separate myself from him? How do I let go? “Lost”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost”,
Before I get into the heart of your question, I am under the impression that you felt getting married because you were pregnant was the right thing to do and it is not. Marriage and pregnancy are not related. The union of marriage is between two people that parenting doesn’t share. Knowing he wasn’t your soul mate and still getting married was a clear sign that someone (you most likely) would stray elsewhere, risking breaking the heart of innocent people (your husband/his wife). To add in that the type of man that pursues another married woman while being married doesn’t really say soul mate to me, but, I have heard of weirder things.
With that being said, I will address your question… Letting go is not always easy for many and an emotional affair is not a simple case of “goodbye, I’m over it” as some people believe that we maintain problems because they give us identity. You can start by identifying with what that relationship has given you, one being alone and depressed. He will not choose you over his family and his actions made that clear. Just because friendship sounds cute, doesn’t make it necessary. Would a friendship with him benefit you in any degree? Probably not and that’s what you should focus on when your mind swivels doubt in your head. You should learn to un-romanticize the way you view him and realize you are worth more. The fact is that someone out there (possibly your legal husband) will be the one you were meant to settle with. Take whatever good you can and walk forward and look at the heartbreaking & depressing points as tools of education on how to not accept or engage in future situations. You may have to be forward in communication and express that it is best that you both do not engage any matters that are not professional and not alone. Always remember that letting go is love (for self) and hanging on is clingy attachment. Good luck.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I met this guy and I know he has a reputation for dating quite a few women but something about our connection when we are in each other’s presence that felt so real. My friends warned me of him but I have to make my own decisions and I went to pursue him. He was such a gentleman until I gave up the goodies to him and all of a sudden he started to act somewhat distant. Could he be looking somewhere else or is it something I did? I really am into him but he isn’t letting me get the chance to really know him and him to know me and see that I am a great woman. What should I do? Thank you Mr. Lover Man, “Hopeful”.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Hopeful”,
First thing I want to say is that you clearly got exactly what you asked for. Now I am not saying bad should happen to anyone, what I am saying here is that you knew what type of person he was, you did not give yourself any time to learn who he was other than him bedding many women and now you got confirmation on that part. You have to learn people before you invite them between your legs. As for if this is him looking elsewhere or something you did, I’ll say both is a strong possibility of co-existing as reasons. You gave him nothing to remain for as you gave up the sex as a short term goal way too quick. He doesn’t know you enough to remain interested in learning you because the initial physical attraction was conquered. You have to offer more to keep a man around. It is his fault because he is not ready for one woman. He continues to go on these sexual conquests and women like yourself or even the unsuspecting ones sadly fall into his clutch. I don’t see how you are really into him when you really do not even know him. You need to stop misleading yourself. There is absolutely no reason to try and pursue this issue long enough and you need to learn from this and move forward. Good luck and please move forward.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
What makes a man realize he has a good woman and changes his ways? This man I have been seeing for a while was separated from his wife. He told me they were going through a rocky situation and he needed to focus on him. We ended up seeing each other as I noticed he was not giving his wife time, I felt this was a way for me to step it up and give him the care he needs. Things were going good and all of a sudden he decides that he is going to try to make it work with his wife. Where does that leave me? Why doesn’t he see that I am a good woman and would not do him wrong? Answer this please. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
There are things here you do not seem to get. Please have a seat. You question the man’s ability to see whether he has a good woman or not but what if he has and that’s why he is working it out with his wife. I’m not questioning whether you are a good woman or not but just saying you are not the only one. You entered a situation with the most common line that some males use when they are either cheating on their wives or whether they are separated but only wish to return to their wives. Going “through a rocky situation and needed to focus on him” had nothing to do with plans of you. You slowly misled yourself (without communication) into this situation assuming there was more. You needed to be a better communicator and in reality, you needed to avoid this situation until he was sure where he stood. Nonetheless, this is a learning experience for you and I hope that if you are faced with this situation ever again, you can look back and run. He is not the one for you and you are not the one for him. Good luck.

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CAN SOCIAL MEDIA STRAIN A RELATIONSHIP?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Here it is, my girlfriend is always upset when I’m on Facebook. She doesn’t see me doing anything wrong but is always upset assuming someone wants me. How can I get her to see that I am just connecting with old friends I haven’t seen in years and that it is not what she thinks? P.S. I do not get upset when she is online at all. Thanks from: A guy punching keys.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “A guy punching keys”,
There are some things to consider here, one being the amount of time taken from your relationship being spent on social media. This is something that may cause trouble and is increasingly an issue in today’s relationships. Now what you and your girlfriend determine too much and enough time is something you both should come to terms with. If you are neglecting your girlfriend for social media then you need to re-evaluate that. However, she may be the jealous, insecure type and there are ways to show her that her suspicions are completely wrong. Have you or are you planning to meet any of these old friends? If so, you should plan a bigger gathering for a few of these long lost friends and ask that they bring their partners for a semi night out/reunion type of thing and you bring your girlfriend. This can and usually does ease a lot when not only they see the woman you chose but your woman sees that they have chosen elsewhere as well.
This is not a fool proof remedy but it has worked before. You have to communicate to your girlfriend in an honest and effective manner her position in your world and the position these friends are in. It is nice to re-connect and we all know friendships are important. There should be a compromise on that but you must in all of your best efforts try to understand how your girlfriend feels and she should be considerate to your feelings as well. Good luck and keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My boyfriend and I clearly both have trust issues because of our past. We both admitted that we've been cheated on and have very hurtful ex relationships but we're committed to each other, until I made a small mistake. A hiccup I want to call it. My ex boyfriend requested me on Facebook. Stupid me, I accepted it on a whim but took all but 5 minutes to realize what I did wasn't right. I unfriended him right away. But in that 5 minutes, it popped up on my boyfriends news feed just as he was browsing the site during his lunch break. He mentioned it to me the weekend it happened and we spoke of it briefly. 2 weeks later, a night together felt distant with him and when we started to talk about it, he mentioned that the incident has been on his mind ever since. Basically, he told me he trusted me before, but now that this happened, he said we should slow down and take it day by day. I told him I would never go back to my ex or communicate with him because I am very happy with my current boyfriend. I got so emotional to a point where I opened up a lot, cried then continued to tell him that not only was I cheated on, my ex got another woman pregnant and he used me for money and car rides. My boyfriend became emotional as well and cried. 3 days later, I feel distant from him but I'm told by friends I need to give him space. I'm scared to lose him and I'm scared it will be because of something as small as Facebook. I'm going through millions of thoughts and I'm just so confused. Give him space or keep telling him how much I care about him? Help! Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This situation is not a complete disaster. There has to be steps taken, things will not solve itself overnight and you have to be an effective communicator. I don’t think space is required unless it is something he is adamant about. It is important that you express how you feel without constantly running your story about your ex to the ground. Men really don’t want to hear that when you guys are going through things. Sometimes women think by bad mouthing or talking up the bad things of the ex, that it will somehow ease the situation but it doesn’t. Men view it as you not being able to let go. This situation is not usually a deal breaker and if you guys are really involved, I believe you can work through this. Be honest and determined to expressed your feelings for your man as opposed to your disdain for your ex, it isn’t related and shouldn’t be brought up together.
He has insecurities and trust issues and no matter what he said about him trusting you, it isn’t met by action. You guys need to really talk about where you stand and how badly this has dented his perception. The world of social media at times can be intrusive if allowed and can be harmless in the same light. Good luck.








Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My man always have bitch fits like he gets mad over petty shit and it’s like he can do stuff and I can't like. Check this out, on twitter an individual had this thing on there about big girl appreciation day and that he would retweet (re-post) the best looking girl so I told my boyfriend about it and told him I submitted and the individual retweeted (re-posted) my picture and he just got upset and said “see that's what I'm talking about” and then there was silence the whole night and the next day which is today still haven't talked to him. What should I do? Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
There seems to be a big wave in effects as to how upset people are getting due to the injecting of social media activities in one’s life. There was a time when it was all fun and games and now there seems to be a huge seriousness to it. I think that what has happened with social media in general is that it has become a large medium for advertising, dating and so forth. So much that every year people are leaning more and more too online dating and there are more commercials on the internet than your very own television. With that being said, there is a subconscious seriousness to social media and even though so many people say things like “It’s just Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, etc” that isn’t really an overall vote. In your situation there needs to be a sit down and both sides need to express communication as to the level of importance in your actions. Many men do not find comfort in his woman voluntarily submitting photos to some random individual you do not have a personal friendly relationship with. Many times it is perceived as reaching for attention or offering of self. Now, I’m not saying that is the matter here but it is how many men perceive it. Many times individuals who pose these social media “acts” are just looking for means to exploit women on social media and either makes fun of or brag about the pictures they collect. Rarely is it to give props or show a high level of respect to the woman submitting the photo and these are the thoughts that some men allow to be injected into their minds and it gives them that attitude you complained about.
Now this may not be a big deal to you but in a relationship it isn’t only about you, it’s about you both and you need to hear him out and find out exactly what it is that’s going on in his head. Effective communication is always key and when at times people do get into those fits of silence, timing is very relevant. You can always ask to discuss his and your feelings but even if both of your positions are completely different with perception on social media, you have to both respect each other. Good luck, let me know what happens.

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HAVE THEY CHANGED OR HAVE THEY REVEALED THEIR TRUE SELF?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have been with this guy for 3 months and things have already changed. At first he was into me, chasing me and once we became intimate, he hasn’t shown the same interest. Is it something I did wrong? Is my performance something I should be concerned with or is he cheating?
Please give me something I can work with. Thank you “Myra”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Myra”,
This sudden change may have actually been a gradual change you chose to subconsciously ignore. Often it is gradual, and even in situations when it is “all of a sudden”, the reasons are not clear at first. What is missing here is any indication that there was an attempt to communicate and walk through the relationship. There will be no answers without communication. Instead of speculating and trying to mislead self into putting pieces together that may not fit, you must address him and honestly impress upon him your position. It is imperative that he knows how you feel in a mature manner.
Nonetheless, the problem appears to have to do with the lust stage. He kicked in with lust leading as he chased the prize until he achieved his goal. Men are visual creatures and often walk forward with their eyes leading and that may have been what made him chase you, however, you must give him something worth more than what his eyes see, and that is YOU. If this is going to work, you both are going to have to sit down and make it clear what both of your positions are in this relationship and express how the neglect and sudden change is making you feel. He may be going through something he is uncomfortable talking about. Never make assumptions without communication. Good luck and please keep me posted.






Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How genuine are compliments men make? It seems that as time continues, they stop complimenting. Is it that it was game or are they not caring enough? This is why women cheat. There will be another man who will compliment women with no problem. What causes these changes?
Thank you. “It is what it is”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “It is what it is”,
Every situation should be looked at as an individual situation. I don’t know how genuine your man or men you dealt with are as I do not know them personally but I’ll say something that should shed some light. Men stop complimenting because they have either been conditioned to do so by being with women that did not address this and/or because of the idiotic belief that it is not important as it once was because you are together, so that should say something.
Life happens as relationships evolve; it is great to set a tone by giving compliments as well and or asking for his opinion to how certain things look on you. Communicate with him and ask him about the disintegrating compliments that once were. Many times men do not intentionally decide to not compliment you, but they are known to fall into this way of being. It can change with communication. You can also make a game out of it. With every time he compliments you, show your appreciation, sot of like a treat. You can whisper something sexual in his ear in appreciation or you can express how much it means to you. This is not a lost cause and a great way to make it happen is to say something about it. As for this being a reason to cheat, that’s just plain stupid and idiotic. There is no valid reason to cheat, if you feel the urge to unfaithfully open your legs, be an adult and leave the present situation. People who make excuses to cheat are really searching for reason to cheat because at some point, that’s who they are. For the record, if someone else complimenting you opens your legs, you have just expressed your self-value. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Sorry this is so long!!!! I am going through a missed miscarriage and right now if hell really is a place then that is where I am. My husband has left me for another woman but says it’s not just that reason, it’s because he feels we can't fix us & he had become unhappy but didn't say anything!!! Now I have miscarried our baby!
I'll start from the beginning..... I'm 28 & my husband is 29 (with a huge issue about being 30!! which I just don't get) But Xmas just gone my husband of 2 years and partner of 6 cheated on me with someone from his work, I worked with him many years ago, we got together about a yr after I left but I know of this other person and she has done this many times before and doesn't mind hurting others around her to get a man she wants!!!
When I found out which was by me guessing as he was acting differently, I forgave him as I could see we had drifted apart and he isn't one for talking about his feelings (what man is!) plus he has always been a bit insecure about how much I love him (another reason I love him!!)
He had made a very stupid drunken mistake and was so sad and truly sorry for it, plus they did stuff but didn't have sex at this time and still to this day I believe him. But even if they had I still would have forgiven him as it was a wakeup call to work at our marriage.
After this, things were back on track with us & we carried on planning our lives together, talking about the day we have kids! I had no concerns that we weren't getting stronger. But at the beginning of March he said he needed space and went back to his mum and dad’s, I tried really hard to give him this but panic set in and I would leave it a day or two and then one of us would text, normally him to me but once or twice I made the first move or I would reply pretty much straight away. Anyway when we would meet up to talk he kept saying he couldn't come back as he couldn't see us working and I would try so hard to convince him that we could if only he gave me the chance to show him but he just wouldn't give in!
I found this very bizarre as I know I've always been his world and something didn't add up. This went on for weeks like this and at the end of March we broke up, I couldn't accept it but had no choice, he would have let me think it was due to me being selfish and us drifting apart but I knew there was something else and then came the truth....
He'd been seeing this work colleague that he'd cheated on me at xmas with!!! I think in his head he believes his lie that the reason we didn't work was because we drifted and that’s how he kind of lives and does what he is doing as cheating has always been against his believes! He comes from a very strong Christian up-bringing. But he said he was convinced I didn't love him anymore!!!!
His now started to get feelings for this person, thinks he loves her (after 6 or 7 weeks) personally I believe this is lust and that’s all and because everyone is telling him to step away from the situation he won't. So it seems he jumped from married to me to with her and was not stopping!! What hurts the most is the fact that he isn't and hasn't ever been this kinda guy! 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, it wasn't how I had planned being pregnant in my head but if we hadn't of broken up it would have all been perfect, as it was also our 2 year wedding anniversary (what better present to give my husband, our first baby)
I was happy, I kept it to myself for the first 2 weeks, as it was all mine! Even though my heart was breaking, part of me still felt happy! I told my husband the news & he cried & said this was the last situation he wanted to be in, but it changed everything! Not quite how I'd imagined the response when I had planned this moment in my head a 1000 times, over the past 2 years.
I said me being pregnant made no difference to us, he had decided he didn't want to be with me and I would never stop him seeing or being there for our baby. I went away for a long weekend that we were due to go on together for our 2nd wedding anniversary but I went with my sister and when I returned I found out he had been away with this other person!! On our wedding anniversary!!! I'd asked him before not to spend it with her, but he did!!! He said he booked to go away before I'd said I was pregnant (but it was still our wedding anniversary!) it’s like he is doing as much damage as possible to push me away but then says he doesn't want me to hate him!!!
When I returned I saw him and we chatted and I felt a little strong and he said he wanted his wife back!!!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing, he said that he loved me & didn't want to run anymore into this false life he had created and he sobbed for many hours about the bad thing he had done, he said he was in a bubble and felt safe and it wasn't a real life but he had convinced himself we couldn't get us back after what he did as he had broken us. But he saw how much I loved him and was willing to give it a go. He said he would do whatever it took. We spoke for hours and even laughed at how he had been so foolish and that we would get through this and he seemed strong and like the person I know and everyone else knows. He went home told his mum and dad and then saw this other woman and told her but I spoke to him that night on the phone and he sounded exhausted!!! I had my doubts he had told her!!


I was correct to think that and the next day he text asking to see me to Talk!!!! I thought, surely he can't change his mind!!! BUT yes he could, he came in and said I don’t think I can do this, we spoke for about 5 minutes, I was obviously angry and upset and he hates seeing me like that and feels like that is why he doesn’t want to talk to me when I’m like that.
I hammered him for about 2 minutes just saying why are you doing this, is it only because I’m pregnant and he seemed upset again, then I said this is because you don't think I should forgive you and that you hate yourself and think everyone else should hate you, I then pushed this and he said how can I forgive him for what his done, it’s so bad and then I said you feel your worthless and this goes back way before me and then he just sat there and cried. I looked him in the eyes and said tell me all what you said yesterday was untrue and that you don't love me.... he cried and said you know it was the truth and I said why, why are you doing this then and he just cried and seemed broken.
It broke my heart to see him so hurt, confused and broken. No one deserves that, not even him! I know your probably thinking I am some raving loon but I'm not and I’m not in some kind of denial either. I just care about him, his my best friend and has been for about 10 years but I know that was the person everyone knows. We spoke for many hours again and he seemed more convinced this time that he did want this and said he would leave his job and we sat there discussed things that we can do to make us happy.
That night he stayed till really late just holding me, kissing my head and saying how very sorry he was and was tearful. I know in my heart we can get through this and yes he has mucked up a few times but over 6 years his proven to me he is a good person, so I will hang on to that and not the mistakes his made over the last few months!!!
I said I really hoped he woke up the next morning and still wanted all this and he promised that he would (as sometimes I feel like he sleeps and changes over night!!) next day, he called in sick as he couldn't face work and was so tired. He saw his dad and told him how we were gonna make a go of it and this was what he wanted with a shadow of a doubt and he txt his mum, as she was away and said the same to her and asked for help as he couldn't do it on his own.
Then he saw this other woman again to tell her he was making a go of it with me, it broke my heart that he had told her I was pregnant as it wasn't for her to know and made me feel sick that another woman would say she was ok with me being pregnant but still wanted him!! But least she knew the full truth. I dunno what was said between them, he saw her for a few hours then came over to see me.....
By this point he now seemed distant again and like a stranger, it’s like there is 2 people! The man we all know which I would trust with my life and this other person who's had an affair that no-one recognizes anymore. He said he couldn't do it and felt he had feelings for her and was falling in love with her!!! I got upset as I could not believe what I was hearing; he was only saying all what he did as I was pregnant!! which even now, I do not believe as if that was the reason for him coming back he would of been talking about it but all he was talking about was happy memory’s we had and what we can do to get us back to being happy!!!! Never mentioned the baby just all the things we used to love doing and that we were going to do
I wasn't in denial but I do know him and said I don't believe him, I think he was scared that we won't get back to happiness and she had a hold on him but by now the wall he has built was back up!! Because we spoke till so late into the night, I stayed at our house with him, it wasn't ideal but I am so glad I did. I asked him to lay on the bed with me, he was very reluctant to do this but part of me hated him for doing this and another part of me loves him so much and wanted to hold him as he seemed so scared and confused!
I don't really think he knows what he wants and who he is anymore as he would never want to do what he has (his always been one of the good guys) I said my tummy hurt and he rubbed my back as I tried to sleep but I pulled his arm round to my tummy and said do you realize you have your wife carrying your child in your arms right now and then I fell asleep.
In the morning I was angry and he was distant again, as I couldn't deal with the fact he was carrying on seeing this other person and she was allowing him to, knowing all the facts... what kind of woman does that and says stay with me! I said to my husband that we will talk in a few weeks but I will keep him updated with all my appts for the baby so he can be there as that’s what he wanted and I would never take it away from him. I went to work and can only have been there and I went to work tired and upset.
I went to make a cup of tea and a pain went through my body like never before and was not stopping, I called my doctor who said go straight to A&E. When I got there they rushed me through and put me into a room on my own, a friend had called my husband at work and told him what had happened, he rushed to be with me but the hospital said he could come through later as they needed to see what was happening with me and the baby, but after 6 hours of waiting, scans and many blood tests they told me there was no heart beat and the baby had died! I can't even describe what I felt at that point, they said this does happen and explained to me all about how this happens.
I then had to tell my husband I had lost our baby, he was very sad and feels to blame, and I said the doctor said it wasn't down to him but it's a sad & cruel thing that happens in this world. I didn't really want to him and was pretty nasty to him, so I didn't explain to him what to expect with a missed miscarriage. I wanted him to stay with me through the night just for the next few nights as I'm scared and it hurts! But he said to me he can't, he said he can be there for me but only so much!!! And would be back the next day for my hospital appt!
He had told the other woman I'd lost our baby which made me so angry as I explained to him she would have been glad that we had lost our baby and that’s makes me sick! When he left me that night I called him and got upset and asked if he thought it was some kind of betrayal to her I he stayed and he said YES!!!! I then txt him saying if he ever cared or was a man he would have stayed even if he couldn't lie on a bed with the woman who was carrying his child then he would sleep downstairs as this out ways EVERYTHING! He txt me saying he wanted to be there but not through the night as I would cling to this!! I could tell this isn't him talking as it's not his words.
I saw him the next day and I just went on about how he could do this and I did go on quite a lot but I still working off my emotions of being hurt and betrayed again I guess and still having pregnant hormones! In the end he left and went to his parents to tell them the news that I miscarried our baby. I spoke to him that night and asked him NOT to go to this other woman’s house in honor to our baby but he did and it makes me feel proper sick that he would do that while leaving me to grieve. Then Friday I got a txt saying how am I, and sorry for being off with me on the phone, I replied saying I wasn't good and how was he but heard nothing back!
later that evening I txt and said is he not going to call or see me and he said he couldn't see me at the moment and sorry if i think that’s harsh!!!! I find it sick and harsh but I can only count all of this down to grieving or guilt or his having some kind of breakdown but I can't seem to pull him through this and while he destroys himself his taking me down with him and I can't step away as my heart won't let me!!! We move out of our house at the end of next week and then I have NO connection with him anymore and I don't know what to do!!
His mum told the night he went there he broke down and sobbed for hours and said how very sorry he was for what he has done and how he has hurt them, how he blames himself for what has happened, which I don’t want as it’s not. His mum said he was broken, he said he couldn’t convince me that we were over but his mum tried to explain he can't because he hasn't and still isn't dealing with his marriage but is carrying on.
Now I have told you everything and you have probably nodded off or feel you have lost the will to even reply but please Mr. Lover Man give me some advice other than... walk away as I deserve better, he has to make his mind up, he has always been a little insecure and questioned that his a somebody in this life but I feel he doesn't realize we make ourselves a somebody, no one else does that for us!! It’s not just that when you get with someone they make you feel untouchable and amazing; we can all do that on our own!
Imagine your closest best friend in the world who is not nasty in any way but all of a sudden just changes but you know this isn't who they are.... what can I do??? I can't give up on him or my marriage as I love him too much and something is telling me to stick this out!!!
I look forward to hearing from you “The girl who believes in Love”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The girl who believes in Love”,
My answer will not match the length of your situation but I hope it delivers some well needed truth. I am very sorry for your lost and wish you a healthy future and hoping you recover well. Sadly, you have misled yourself much more so than he has. Through your entire email, you have continuously expressed what you felt he thought or you think he is like or how he really isn’t any of the things he continuously shows that he is. I wish I can offer up a magic elixir to make this the way you want but the reality is that I can’t. At this point (maybe not originally) you are as much to blame for your new heartache as he is.
He continues to sleep around and professes on more than one occasion his falling in love with another woman, which in a very insecure fashion, you immediately inject that you know its lust and not love. This said to comfort yourself and hold on to someone that does not want to be held on by you. You have continued to mislead yourself and it is not healthy for you. You do not wish to move on, you may think you do not know how to but everyone can move on. You don’t want to.
It takes two people to make a marriage work and you can’t fight for someone that does not wish to be fought for. He has chosen where he wants to be. People change as life happens and you wishing him to be exactly as he was or the situation was years ago will not happen. You have to come to terms with present day events and understand that he is not the happy go lucky nice guy you want him to always be. He has slept around and even given his heart to another. He has repeatedly gone back and forth and when you needed him most, he couldn’t give his all. He even expressed he couldn’t and yet, you mislead yourself to believe in something that isn’t and you need to let this one go.
You should consider seeking professional help as this has taken a toll on you and it will help in your transition in life. I can’t give you the response you want but only what I feel is the response you need. You have lost too much and this has taken a toll on you. This is the time to put yourself first and step forward for you. He cannot do that with you because he has chosen not to, you need to stand up and step forward without turning around. I wish you the best; please consider reaching out to a professional that can help with the transition. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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THE ATTRACTION TO THE MARRIED MAN/WOMAN

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My best friend seems to only date men that are attached. What’s her deal? She says she doesn’t mind being the one on the side but isn’t that sort of like stepping backwards? What is your take on this? She knows I’m sending this so please answer. Thank you from Janice.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Janice”,
There are many issues with this type of behavior and it could be one of many or a few of many. People tend to venture out to the “forbidden” property to boost their already low esteem. At times this is a false sense of accomplishment and other times, a bad breakup which brings fear to settle but still a need to be touched or feeling alone has rendered the individual to accept being an object of sex and nothing more. In many reasons it is an action that equals how they subconsciously feel about themselves. There are people that do it because they are greedy and selfish and are never satisfied with what they have and only seem to seek out for what others have and that spills into other people’s relationships as well.
Like a said, there could be a series of reasons, however, none are good and none are justified. If you wish to only deal with someone for sex, do it with single people. It is wrong and disrespectful to someone’s partner for you to inject your easily spread goods (or not so goods) because of one of the previously mentioned reasons. There comes a time in life when people need to be mature enough to think about others. This would be one of those times. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Mr. Lover Man what makes a man only seek married or attached women? Then act like a 2 year old when the married or attached women won’t be his beck and call? Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
As people our common flaw is at one point we have all been attracted to someone or something we cannot have. If we go as far back as the story of Adam and Eve, you clearly see how Eve did what she shouldn’t, to have what wasn’t hers. It’s a common story throughout the course of time. I do admit that I can understand but do not promote. I do advocate monogamy, however, to each is own. Promise and commitment deserves respect in any form of life, most importantly in a relationship. The man you speak about has issues, and there could be many reasons why he seeks out the married woman. There is a perverted sense of accomplishment that the man feels when he engages sexually with the married woman. The reason they may act childish when rejected is because they are childish. Some men (people in general) tend to share this sentiment when it comes to rejection. People value the moment too much and do not realize that one moment is just that, one moment. You can appreciate it but live to make more of them. They hold on too much to rejection and it is pathetic. There could be various reasons but I’m sure they lie above. Thank you for the question.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I met this girl and I’m really feeling her. The problem is I’m not used to settling down. I always did the married woman thing and also did the next man’s girl thing. I’m used to that player life, you feel me? And now I met this one girl that kinda got me ready to step up but it’s hard to stop having fun. What would you do? Thanks. Player P.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Player P”,
Asking me what I would do makes no sense in this question because I’m not a “player” of any sort. However, I’ll speak on the surrounding issues here. I want to begin by saying that your reluctance to settle is a huge sign that you are not ready to move forward. Take your time. There is someone else’s emotion on the line and you have no right to play games with it. As for your proud “player” moment, I think you need to learn to search more of yourself as an individual. Your fear or unwillingness to settle down should be addressed. I’m not saying you should go settle down, but I am saying that you should search as to what causes this feeling to stay away from that. You may have thoughts of settling down because she is different in some fashion but if you met her under the “she belongs to someone else” thing, you really need to think that out before you get played “player”. I don’t promote your lifestyle and the way you glorify it is almost disheartening. If you feel you don’t want to settle down, then deal with someone who mutually only wants to engage on the same level without a third party victim who shouldn’t be living this unwillingly. You have to take a step forward in the maturity factor. Start with time seeking within. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a college student and my major is social work and in almost every class that brings up the subject of relationship, there is always numbers about married couples cheating. If I get married, how can I guarantee myself to prevent being one of those numbers? Sincerely, College Girl.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “College Girl”,
There are no guarantees. I know that is not the answer you wanted and anyone that says different is full of themselves to even pretend they can guarantee it. One can enhance ones chances on keeping a mutually respected and loyal relationship by communication, trust and honesty. The other components follow but those three are the most vital in any relationship, especially a marriage. Numbers are good in school and in postings but in real life, it’s about the individual. You have to be the best you and encourage your partner to be the best them. You must lead by example but be willing to also be a student at times. Life is not about those numbers. If you let them consume you, they can become your reality, you choose to be an individual and you are already ahead of the pack. Good luck and keep me posted.

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MOTHERS DAY IS LOVE

Once a year men and women alike take a moment to do something celebratory and honor mothers abroad. Even some of the most despicable men & women park their lameness to the side for a day, then Monday comes.. We all jump in saying “Mothers Day should be everyday” but never act like it is. People post pictures of their mom and promise to always make her proud and yet, they forget that by Tuesday. You know your mother wants the best for you, so why not honor her by doing the absolute best you can in your world and be the greatest success you possibly can? Oh wait, that can’t be done in only one day a year..



I see you standing there on the grocery line with a child in your hands, a stroller in the other and about to find a way to carry bags. A feat often overlooked and before I offer help, I can only admire and honor such strength. I see you walking past hecklers and lames that have the audacity to try to hit on you while engaging with your child.


I see your tears before they fall and I see the smiles that children place on your face and although I don’t know you, I smile to let you know that I honor you. I see the hard work and the way some men’s lack of progression has challenged you. I honor how you accept the challenge and overcome.


I look back at old pictures and wonder… could there ever been a woman more beautiful. I think not. Some stories are never told and some have a deeper meaning. I know of the adversity you faced, the unfair treatment you received from those close to you, yet you never let that interfere with how you mothered us. Your smile was unmatched and every picture we are in, you somehow make me feel like the star of it when in reality, I am a star because you are the universe that birthed me.

I could not imagine life without you. The walks through parks, the smiles, the way you interacted with me during cartoons made me forget the age difference. The days you held me and those times you said you were proud of me, secretly, I lived for those moments.


Differences injected in our worlds as different phases of life came and I felt like I stopped making you proud, yet, you never took a single step away from me and at that time I couldn’t understand why. I became a nightmare, running amok, fist fights, late nights and women. Yet, you never took a step away.

"When I was unspoken, denied words

You remained by my side
A mother’s love not unheard
When backs was turned
Your hand touched mine
Reminded me of a time
When I was no older then 9
I needed your hand
To be your little man
To be loved
Distance couldn’t take the place
You gave with grace"



Only then did I begin to appreciate and learn love on a higher level. When so many disappeared, you never turned away, not even for a second and I then second guessed who I was. I wondered where I was headed and why did it take so much for me to figure it out, yet, you still remained, arms open as if nothing was wrong and everything would be alright.


Change only happens if the individual is willing to make those changes for the self and Lord knows I wanted these changes for me, but it would be a lie if I didn’t admit it was also for you. I long for moments lost in phases but I can no longer be 7 years old. I continue to be a great man, the best Dad and most loving partner I can and this is rooted from you and Dad. I remember every detail and even when I slipped away, I never let go.


Thankfully I am a great man; I have done what so many in my shoes couldn’t. I have defied odds that were told to be impossible and have made love infectious in my world. I am a father unlike any, I have denied the stereotype and the societal norm to raise my son and have allowed him to be expressive. I am better because of my childhood and he will be better because of it too.


Times have changed and we have settled into a new situation. We are all adults with our own opinions and life experiences and when people from yesterday ask me about or commend me for the accomplishments I have made, I can’t help but think of you and Dad. The root is what made me and it is what will make my son great.
Everything I am comes from everything you are, I honor and love you Mom and all mothers abroad.

"The wind blows

As the breeze gives serenity
So does your smile
Just the same as a spring day
Ice cream cones are pale
To the cheek touches from your finger tips
Mommy’s little boy"

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BOY MEETS GIRL, BOY KISSES GIRL, BOY LEAVES GIRL CONFUSED

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I had my eye on this guy for quite some time. He is a looker. Every time I laid eyes on him I wanted to throw myself at him. One day I sucked it all in and approached him, we spoke and he was such a gentleman. I felt like he was preoccupied at times but when he looked at me, I felt so beautiful. I gave myself to him and all of a sudden he is too busy and hardly returns my calls. What’s up with that? Why are men so inconsiderate and uncaring?
From Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
First thing, if you think men are so inconsiderate and uncaring, maybe you should ask yourself why is that you attract those types of men. You walked into this situation acting like he was water and you were stranded on a desert. In the very beginning there was an indication that something may be wrong with him being preoccupied and instead of trusting instinct, you walked with your eyes. One thing I wonder is when he looked at you did you feel beautiful because this guy you were lusting after looked at you are because you misled yourself to think it would be more? This often happens and then people place all the blame on the other person. You gave yourself up sexually in what probably is not his respectable viewing timeline and he probably was a scumbag who took what you offered and was no longer interested. As cruel as that may sound, it is real life and you need to carry yourself a bit more respectable and learn someone before you let them dive into the ocean. Verbal and non verbal body languages are key in knowing where he would have stood. You can’t blind yourself to the point that you compromise the better you for a moment. You can try to communicate how you feel and what it is you wish but you have to be honest with yourself and prepared to accept his truths. In actuality, at this point, his silence has spoken volumes. Good luck, keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My friends think there is something wrong with me because I wear my heart on my sleeve. Is that really a bad thing? I mean I know I haven’t been doing exactly the best when it comes to meeting guys. I give too much too fast and then they lose interest. How do I change that? Lots of thanks, Melissa


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Melissa,
Giving your all isn’t a weakness, but the timing can be. It’s good that you are a good person but one thing is that when you are in the beginning stages of getting to know someone, you have to always be cautious. You have to embrace this as the “learning phase” and not the “what can I do for you phase”. A key is to not go too far from who you are and where your life is for another. Stay in your comfort zone, don’t enter his just yet. Make him earn that with displayed interest. Being caring isn’t something I expect you to turn off, but the steps to allowing someone in your world can be altered. Life is yours, make it that way. If he has interest, he will allow himself to be paced respectfully. You have a made a life without the next guy, don’t abandon that to try and make him smile. Your world should be part of why he smiles. Be smart, learn him. Good luck, keep me posted on your next endeavor.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How can I get a man to open up from the beginning? I feel like by the time I do, he is ready to walk. What is it men want besides sex? I meet men and it never lasts and I’m going to be in my 30’s soon and I would like to find the right one. Thanks for the help. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Comfort brings comfort and in trying to seek that you just have to be yourself and if he isn’t comfortable with you being you then it’s on to the next one. As for what men want outside of sex, the first thing is an open minded woman that knows that a real man doesn’t want just sex. Another thing that isn’t so known is that men focus on the activity that produces emotions instead of emotions that produce activity and that’s why it seems men are into only sex. Men want women that know what they want and are independent without being bitter. Men want a confident woman who isn’t trying to challenge his manhood but empowered by her womanhood. Men want a partner and not a constant instigator or interrogator. Being competitive is cute but men don’t want to always compete, they prefer support emotionally and a partner. Men can confuse intensity with intimacy at times and good men aren’t afraid to lead when needed, but will also take charge at other moments. As for your age issue, do NOT ever compromise because you feel a clock is running out. You are still very young and as a young adult, you have time to seek within and see more of yourself to surface that will attract good men. These other guys you can’t keep cant only be their fault and you need to self analyze before you go men shopping. The key to finding Mr. Right is by being yourself and being the best you, which is Mrs. Right. Good luck and keep me posted.

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BREAKING UP: IS THERE AN EASY WAY?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

How do I break up with my boyfriend without hurting him so much? I am not interested any longer in this and it isn’t like he is a bad person, I just don’t want to force myself to stay when I’m not happy. HELP ME PLEASE.
Anonymous Jane.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous Jane”,
Is there a way to break up with someone in a relationship where emotions are invested and no one gets hurt? Absolutely not, however, you have to not wear the responsibility of another’s feelings and come to terms with the fact that you are being honest with yourself and the other. With that being said, do not be childish about it, be gentle, be honest and be humane. There is an emotional investment, so do this with grace and remember that you’re soon to be ex boyfriends feelings are in part from his belief system, you have your own and he has his. This helps ease the guilt of hurting another. The fact of the matter is, someone will be hurt, but you cannot wear that all the time. You need to find your inner peace with moving on and gently ease out with respect because he has feelings too. Good luck and please keep me posted.






Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My man just broke up with me and I’m really hurting from this. I feel like if he heard me out he would change his mind and see that I’m the one for him. Why don’t guys listen when you telling them things they need to hear? From Broken Heart


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Broken Heart”,
Break-ups are not the easiest thing to deal with but they are not impossible either. The problem here is that it isn’t the guys that aren’t listening to the things they “need to hear”, it’s you that isn’t listening to what is needed to hear and that’s the fact that your ex is not willing to be with you any longer. Sometimes the one you want is not the one for you and when you are hurt, things aren’t as clear as when your emotions settle down. Do not take this relationship like a reflection of self worth because just because two people are not compatible doesn’t mean one is worth less. Utilize your time, take this time to work on doing things you have wanted to and just never got around to doing. Sometimes these breaks in life is a transition phase, testing one to enhance strength and giving the ability to invite something new in one’s life. Take advantage. Be mature about how the world of relationships work and you will see that not all last but as long as you got something to carry forward from it, it was a success in education. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a position where the only option is breaking up with my woman. I know she is going to be upset and I don’t want it to be that way but I have been unhappy for a long time and I am taking from my life being with her. I don’t want to be like other guys that broke her heart but I’m not happy. I care and want to do it the easiest way possible. How do I do it? Mr. Sunday Morning


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mr. Sunday Morning”,
Despite the name, this is not easy like Sunday morning (Lionel Richie if you didn’t know). Ok, back on track, there is no way to do this without eliminating hurt, especially if this is a pattern for her. However, it is not your job to place blame at all or to make her feel diminished in her life position. I appreciate you wanting to ease the pain and often the best way is to be caring and honest, however, not brutal to the sense that you become accusatory and place blame. You can say something like “The connection between us is no longer there” as opposed to “You don’t make me happy”. Be a gentleman about things and often people say “Just tell me straight up” and when you do, things fall apart. The reality is you are being straight up; you’re just not being an asshole about it. You are considering her feelings and only letting the reasons it isn’t going to work without placing blame be known. Good luck and let me know how it turns out.



Mr. Lover Man,
My girlfriend left me and we were together for almost three years. I was down for about three or four days and I thought I would be down a lot longer but I’m not. Is that normal? From: Luis


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Luis”,
Some people believe that the time one is together is an automatic rule for length in getting over a break-up and that is never true. Each person and individual is different. A lot of this arises from need or unfulfilled needs in childhood and how clingy people become and the level of attachment in an individual. You getting over it fast don’t make you other than normal nor does it mean that you valued it less; it simply is about the character within and the life factors that have contributed to this. I wouldn’t kick myself in the rear about this, now had it been reversed and you were down in an extensive period, then I would recommend seeking help about that. Luis, live your life and be the best you always. Good luck.

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