BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR...

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I have been married for 4yrs been with my husband for a total of 10yrs, we have a son that is 4yrs old. We got married when I was 7mths pregnant; it was the right thing to do. I knew that this man wasn't my soul mate, but he was/is very good father and a very good man. Starting two years ago I got very close with a man from work, which is also married. He pursed me till he finally got what he wanted, between all that times we fell in love, he left his wife twice and I finally gave in and asked my husband to move out. We have such a great connection and we are alike in so many ways. Things got a little crazy when his wife found out. She threaten him with his son, so after my husband moved out we kept on being with each other, until eventually his family found out about us, made him feel guilty about breaking up my family. To make a long story short, he went back to his wife, my husband never found out; I was very much depressed after his decision that I ended up 3 months after he left me to move in with my husband. It’s very complicated because we still work together, and we have tried to stay away from each other but didn't work. He still wants to be friends we haven't done anything sexual in 5months but just kiss and stuff at work. How do I separate myself from him? How do I let go? “Lost”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost”,
Before I get into the heart of your question, I am under the impression that you felt getting married because you were pregnant was the right thing to do and it is not. Marriage and pregnancy are not related. The union of marriage is between two people that parenting doesn’t share. Knowing he wasn’t your soul mate and still getting married was a clear sign that someone (you most likely) would stray elsewhere, risking breaking the heart of innocent people (your husband/his wife). To add in that the type of man that pursues another married woman while being married doesn’t really say soul mate to me, but, I have heard of weirder things.
With that being said, I will address your question… Letting go is not always easy for many and an emotional affair is not a simple case of “goodbye, I’m over it” as some people believe that we maintain problems because they give us identity. You can start by identifying with what that relationship has given you, one being alone and depressed. He will not choose you over his family and his actions made that clear. Just because friendship sounds cute, doesn’t make it necessary. Would a friendship with him benefit you in any degree? Probably not and that’s what you should focus on when your mind swivels doubt in your head. You should learn to un-romanticize the way you view him and realize you are worth more. The fact is that someone out there (possibly your legal husband) will be the one you were meant to settle with. Take whatever good you can and walk forward and look at the heartbreaking & depressing points as tools of education on how to not accept or engage in future situations. You may have to be forward in communication and express that it is best that you both do not engage any matters that are not professional and not alone. Always remember that letting go is love (for self) and hanging on is clingy attachment. Good luck.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I met this guy and I know he has a reputation for dating quite a few women but something about our connection when we are in each other’s presence that felt so real. My friends warned me of him but I have to make my own decisions and I went to pursue him. He was such a gentleman until I gave up the goodies to him and all of a sudden he started to act somewhat distant. Could he be looking somewhere else or is it something I did? I really am into him but he isn’t letting me get the chance to really know him and him to know me and see that I am a great woman. What should I do? Thank you Mr. Lover Man, “Hopeful”.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Hopeful”,
First thing I want to say is that you clearly got exactly what you asked for. Now I am not saying bad should happen to anyone, what I am saying here is that you knew what type of person he was, you did not give yourself any time to learn who he was other than him bedding many women and now you got confirmation on that part. You have to learn people before you invite them between your legs. As for if this is him looking elsewhere or something you did, I’ll say both is a strong possibility of co-existing as reasons. You gave him nothing to remain for as you gave up the sex as a short term goal way too quick. He doesn’t know you enough to remain interested in learning you because the initial physical attraction was conquered. You have to offer more to keep a man around. It is his fault because he is not ready for one woman. He continues to go on these sexual conquests and women like yourself or even the unsuspecting ones sadly fall into his clutch. I don’t see how you are really into him when you really do not even know him. You need to stop misleading yourself. There is absolutely no reason to try and pursue this issue long enough and you need to learn from this and move forward. Good luck and please move forward.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
What makes a man realize he has a good woman and changes his ways? This man I have been seeing for a while was separated from his wife. He told me they were going through a rocky situation and he needed to focus on him. We ended up seeing each other as I noticed he was not giving his wife time, I felt this was a way for me to step it up and give him the care he needs. Things were going good and all of a sudden he decides that he is going to try to make it work with his wife. Where does that leave me? Why doesn’t he see that I am a good woman and would not do him wrong? Answer this please. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
There are things here you do not seem to get. Please have a seat. You question the man’s ability to see whether he has a good woman or not but what if he has and that’s why he is working it out with his wife. I’m not questioning whether you are a good woman or not but just saying you are not the only one. You entered a situation with the most common line that some males use when they are either cheating on their wives or whether they are separated but only wish to return to their wives. Going “through a rocky situation and needed to focus on him” had nothing to do with plans of you. You slowly misled yourself (without communication) into this situation assuming there was more. You needed to be a better communicator and in reality, you needed to avoid this situation until he was sure where he stood. Nonetheless, this is a learning experience for you and I hope that if you are faced with this situation ever again, you can look back and run. He is not the one for you and you are not the one for him. Good luck.

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IGNORED AND NEGLECTED...WHERE IS THE LOVE AT?

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I love this guy and we been together 8 years. The problem is I don’t feel like he loves me except when he wants sex. He starts to touch and kiss me, he doesn’t do that any other time, also he is always out with his boys and never calls to check on me, he wont even answer my call or text but he is always on Twitter at the same time I’m messaging him. If I go out (not as much as he does) he always wants to call or text and gets mad when I don’t respond right away. He has broken up with me about 5 times and has dealt with other women, but he always apologizes and I love him so I take him back. I know people say I should leave but I cant, I believe we can work and get better, I think in time one day he will appreciate me. How can I speed that process up?
Torn but in love


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Torn but in love
First thing you should know is that you need to learn to love yourself more than you do. You voluntarily subject yourself to emotional abuse and you rationalize with the whole “but I love him” crap. If I had a dime for every time some idiot said that, I would be Bill Gates. How do you love someone that not only doesn’t display love but doesn’t display any good qualities to love? Your self-esteem needs CPR and your heart needs mending and education. You need to learn to love yourself, you need to learn that being an emotional cripple, or emotionally dependent is NOT loving someone. You need to know that time does not guarantee love, so your being together 8 years does NOT mean love exists., You are accessible sex, easy convenient sex for him. You are there at will, he sees you as property. He can sleep elsewhere, leave and always return because he knows you are broken, he knows you are weak. You need to take that power back from him, you need to find love for self so badly that you see what you wrote me and see how abused you are. As to your question about speeding it up, well you are misleading yourself into believing something that isn’t real, you can not speed it up. He is the only one that can change him and it has to be for him and not for you. You are in a very unhealthy relationship that has potential for physical abuse, you need professional help and should consider that. I hope the best for you, love yourself enough to move on. Please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m having some doubts about my situation with my woman. She seems to always be more involved with her male friends than me. She is also always willing to support their projects but never has supported mine. She compliments them, never compliments me, she has more conversation with them than with me and seems to always make me secondary. Is this worth saving? I don’t even know how she feels because she is not expressive with me, I try to start conversation and she doesn’t give back much, but she loves the attention from other men. Am I dumb for even staying?
Luke


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Luke,
Luke, this is sadly a little bit more common than mentioned. I have encountered this question on my lap more than I would like to admit. The thing is that it is hard to pinpoint the exact cause of her distance from you and gravitation towards other men. Here are some options to consider, at times some people are too complacent in their relationships and tend to take their partner for granted. They often assume that this is their situation and it wont change so they don’t show the loving appreciation they should. This usually leads to the relationships demise. Another option to consider is that she is involved with another man or men and that her attention is easily diverted because she is easily bedded by them. There is no excuse for a partner to not support their partners project but support random guys projects. She may not have the appropriate attention span to be with just you and bores easily and needs new men often. This will make her bitter and lonely ultimately and you do not deserve to take that bitter ride she is on. You deserve better. You have said you attempted communication and she isn’t open, I applaud your attempt but I think that sometimes your approach has to be one that caters to her persona. If that fails, feel free to express yourself anyway honestly and move on. Everyone deserves a partner that appreciates them, everyone should be complimented and supported and she isn’t ready to be a woman yet, and she may never be. Let her go if she isn’t willing to communicate and move forward. Good luck and let me know how it goes.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am married with my wife for 5 years and we are happy. We have a 3 year old son and I really have no quarrels to report here, however, my dilemma derives from a previous relationship and I really am baffled at the lengths someone would go in lies so I would like to seek anonymous advice. My ex-girlfriend from long ago has an 11 year old daughter that she is saying is mine. Now I haven’t heard from her this entire time since she was caught cheating on me and I walked away. Her daughter being mine doesn’t seem as possible as it being the guys she cheated on me with but I am not a man to walk away from my duties as a man because of a bitter break up. She has showed up to my job with her daughter and this girl looks so sickly that my heart was shattered for her. My ex used to be a model and I figured what I always told her would be right, I told her to have a plan b because modeling wouldn’t last forever, and she is looking a bit shabby as is her daughter. Now I wonder if I am being a scapegoat or am I really a deprived father that was denied the opportunity to know his child that he didn’t even know existed? I do not expect you to know that answer but I would love insight out of my own. Thank you. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This is not the easiest situation to face but I admire your diligence as a man, your desire to do the right thing. Now lets talk about a few possibilities here, your ex-girlfriend and her denying you 11 years of your possible child is something you are going to have to let go. That’s something you can explain to this child at an appropriate time if she is yours. Her mom will have to answer for that later on in life. Maybe she was ran through and run dry & taken advantage of from her looks, maybe she is unhealthy, maybe she is broke, maybe she is tired, but no matter what it is, the focus is 11 year old child. Your ex may have a plan and I think that your priority is DNA testing. Not on no silly outlandish show like Maury Pauvich but definitely done asap. I don’t even know that it is healthy to create a dialogue with the child until this is done. They have many clinics all over that do this service quickly with results rapid. If this situation unfolds revealing you to be the father, please do N OT enter this situation bitter about the past, do not focus on what you missed and focus on today and tomorrow. Love her with your heart and welcome her to your family with warmth. If she isn’t yours, close this chapter in permanence and move forward feeling absolutely no guilt as you did nothing wrong. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
This guy I was with said he was in love with me and wanted to have my baby and all this stuff that really made me feel good. I messed up and went on 2 dates with another guy, but I conducted myself well. I didn’t do anything I shouldn’t have, I didn’t’ have sex, I had a good time but then felt so bad I confessed it and got dumped. Now one week later he is already dating someone else and to be honest I feel like she is hotter than me physically and I’m almost intimidated to even think I can get him back. What do I do? He wont talk to me.
Lizzy


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Lizzy,
Sometimes the choices we make bite us in the ass and you made a choice to date another man while you are in a committed relationship, you kinda got what you deserve in this particular situation. Have you taken into account how he would feel about it? It does not seem that mattered while you were on your date have a grad old time. He found someone else and refuses to talk to you, now in honesty, this very well seems like some rebound piece of ass but I could be wrong. His refusal to speak to you expresses his hurt and or disgust at your choices to do so. How can and why should he trust you now? We often get blindsided by others and that shows how weak we are, yet when another does it we feel betrayed. Your selfish qualities should be addressed and if you have a genuine desire to love this man and can do right by him and really feel that this is best for you both, then step to him, put all the cards on the table, address your wrongs and your feelings as honestly as possible. Communication is the only thing that can be the lifeline to your relationship. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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UNACCEPTING ROLES: USED AND ABUSED

Mr. Lover Man,

I have been dating this girl for about 3 weeks, the problem is she is sexually active with another man and I don’t know where we stand. I really like her but we haven’t had sex and I’m wondering if its because of the other guy. I don’t know what to do as far as stepping my game up because I feel second to this dude. What do you suggest?
2nd to None


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear 2nd to None,
Well, you obviously are feeling the right thing. You ARE second to this other guy and you have to ask yourself if you are willing to accept this role. Do not mislead yourself about your position, use communication to find out how she sees you. Do not assume that you are in a competition because you could be used for a certain purpose. Maybe she likes your company and doesn’t have the sexual attraction and gets sexed heavily by this other guy to compensate for what she will not let you do. You need to see the situation for what it is, you need to communicate how you feel and see how she feels. You are in a situation knowingly she is being sexed by another man, so ask yourself this, what’s your worth? She seems content with having her two company keepers, you just aren’t the sex guy. Find out where you stand. Good luck. Please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m dealing with this female who seems to hit me up only when other situations seem to fail for her. Like a dummy I’m always giving in. I like her a lot and I kinda wish she would she that I’m a good man, not just a dude when she is down. How can I change this and make her realize I’m not like those people that see her for her physical looks and then dump her? Hope this don’t be sounding pathetic, just asking some real stuff. Thanks
Anonymous Male


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous Male,
This situation is a real tough one. She obviously does not care for your feelings as much as you do hers and probably never will with her selfish ass. She attracts a certain type of man that is not happy with her for more than a moment and you are her moment. You are the pillow, the consoling shoulder, the back-up plan, the rebound, the temporary fix and you need to stand tall and ask yourself how content are you with never being “The One:” Do NOT live on hope, live with fact, she doesn’t seem to have that one vision one day that says “wow I think this guy is the one” because you have accepted the role she gave you. You have given her more power than she deserves and you are misleading yourself thinking you can change this. Express yourself honestly, the one thing you own is how you feel so express that. You owe it to yourself to be honest and stop allowing yourself to be used. Good Luck and please keep me posted.


Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Me and my boyfriend broke up and are now working it out. My problem is when we broke up he was having sex with this girl we know and now that we are back together they remained friends. Should I be concerned with this? I see their interaction on a social site (Twitter) and they get flirtatious. She even comments on his penis size and about him coming over or her going out with him. I am very un comfortable with this and feel disrespected. How should I approach this?
Natasha


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Natasha,
This could be a serious problem, it could also be nothing more than silly fun. I’m gambling on it being a serious problem. You have stake in this relationship and have the right to voice your opinion. One thing I ask is that you evaluate your actions as well and if you do not partake in this type of activity than strongly express yourself. If you do, then you should be willing to ease up as well. The fact that they were sexual during your break-up and continue to have a dialogue of such content while you are working things out worries me in the sense that maybe he isn’t as serious about working it out as you are. I could be wrong and this could be innocent flirting, but the sexual history suggests otherwise. You need to approach this with a clear head and not emotionally charged. Point out things that bother you and what you think is disrespectful and unacceptable. You have that right as someone emotionally invested here. However, listen to him, hear him out, maybe he will be understanding. Do NOT be accusatory but be honest. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I really messed up here and I need real true advice. I am sleeping with my friends man and I’m falling in love with him. It started as a three-some and he was on some other level stuff that made my body feel things that it never felt. So one day he asks me if he can give me special attention one time because he didn’t feel that he gave me enough and I just had to know what this meant because if the attention he gave me was that good, I can only fantasize about how it would be alone. It was something ill remember, at times he slacks now but I am falling in love with him and its beginning to hurt me to see him and my friend happy. If they break-up is it ok for me to snatch him up and how long should I wait? “The Mona Lisa”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The Mona Lisa”
This disturbs me and disgusts me. You use the word friend as if you have a clear understanding of what that means. Nonetheless, we will get to your issue in a minute. Lets evaluate some things here, you selfishly disrespected your “friendship” for sexual pleasure and have the nerve to say you are falling in love with your “friends” man and actually are hoping for their demise so your selfish ass can move on in? Did you even read what you emailed me? This is wrong 100% and you need to really do some serious soul searching. Do you realize that you entered this “relationship” with this dude as a sexual object and most of the time (almost always) when this happens, it never evolves long term, if so it fails ultimately. You are hoping for their demise for your pleasure and this is wrong. So to honestly answer your questions, it really isn’t healthy to “snatch him up” when they break-up if you really expect to keep this friendship even though you do not deserve it. The guy is sexing you both and you expect him to take you serious? What idiotic line made you come to that conclusion? I wish you the best of luck and that doesn’t mean continuing to backstab your “friend”. Take care, please let me know how this unfolds.

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TROUBLE IN PARADISE

Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Have you addressed the cougar issue yet? (I'm 40 in. My boyfriend is 25, 26 in May) It was just a fling (booty call, whatever) from April 09 - Nov 09, then in December, things started to change....
I'm divorced. I tried to discourage this dude, (we broke it off several times in between) I didn't want a fling but he was irresistible and amazing in bed. I'm sooooo attracted to him, but I don't want to steal his youth. I don't want anymore kids (I have 3) I don't want to get married again, at least that's how I feel right now. But he kept coming back......
I'm so insecure about my body. I didn't snap back after the kids and gained weight. My belly is a monstrosity (I'm not exaggerating) He says I'm worrying about the wrong things...but he has the perfect body and youth on his side...
I'm trying to just relax, go with the flow and enjoy my life, with him. But I'm an Aquarian and I love hard. My feelings are INTENSE...
Btw, did I say that he's now living with me?
I don't really have a question, other than why a young guy would want to be with an older woman, body not so banging, 3 kids etc rather than be with a girl his own age, perfect body, etc.... (ok, so it was a question, lol)
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this...
Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous
I want to applaud your younger man for his words to you of encouragement and of empowerment. Now as for the “cougar” issue which I must say I do not consider you one but for arguments sake that’s what we will go with.
Sometimes there are different agendas for younger men with older women, on the men’s perspective there is this motherly sense that gives a loving warmth that women younger or of age do not actually give as often. it’s a psychological component that gives a different attraction. There are the men that look this as a sense of accomplishment and thrill, the older woman gives different conversation, often different sex (many view better) and different views of life. This can become magnetic but doesn’t always become the case. Then there are cases of individuality where the man actually acknowledges the woman’s great values, great sense of humor, compassionate and loving sides and sees her exactly for who she is and the age is not relevant because she is relevant and I have a good feeling that is where your young cub falls in. As for the mention of your not perfect body, well I see a lot less perfect than perfect (if that even exist) and so many men appreciate the “normal” woman more so than believed. Work on making yourself either come to terms with your natural beauty or you can join a gym or work from home. These boost morale and will add drive to your young pups already blossoming drive. Do not seek for the negative answer only because even if it doesn’t exist, you will find it. Situations don’t always go as planned, so your fling progressed against rule and often happens. Embrace his views, converse with him about his decisions and don’t question them often in doubt or negativity. Honor his words as he seems to honor you. I wish you both the best. Please keep me posted on this.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I'd love to know what you think about this:
I'm married. We've had our ups and downs in the past - it was always something I felt we'd overcome and that our love and respect of one another would win out in the end - I was always very confident in our relationship. Until we moved out of state - just to do something different. Once we got there, it was very difficult to find employment for me - he transferred his job - I started school instead and began to fit into our new life - he was working over night. We had a neighbor that I considered a friend after a while - she was a few years younger than we were, single mom who lived home with her mother and brother. We'd share clothes, she gave me a few items - even exchanged Christmas gifts and helped me out a lot with things in a new city - I helped her with school - she would even have dinner with us. Every now and then we'd giver her rides home from work, she didn't have a car - either I or my husband would take her/pick her up - when I noticed that he was giving her rides more and more often - Other times I would leave class early to come home and see him on her front stoop - looking stupid when I'd pull up... Long story short, he had an affair with her - not just sex, but a relationship behind my back. I confronted him when he thought I had concrete evidence, and he finally admitted it a year and a half later. Ripped my world apart. I wanted to die. I remember sobbing on the bathroom floor - curled up in a ball and my then 13 year old son comforting me and reassuring me that it was not my fault... I'm still hurt and this was in 2008! Shortly after that revelation, he fell asleep in bed with his cell phone - I was awakened by his phone vibrating - I picked it up and read a text from another female! He denied, then finally admitted they'd been 'talking' but nothing more developed - which may be true, but where would it have gone if I hadn't caught him? I kicked him out - He basically begged me back, I accepted him back - but then after a while he got this cocky type attitude and expected me to just get over it! During that rocky patch I began welcoming the attention from other men - never strayed, just flirted - enjoyed the attention - I mean, I felt fat and ugly before - was losing weight by then. Anyhow, I slowly began losing weight, and paying closer attention to my looks - his jealousy raged! He became smothering and anxious. I threatened to end things with him if he didn't lighten up - so he did - after a few days @ his mothers. So now, we are going pretty smooth - I'm working again but he isn't which leaves him with a LOT of free time and I notice he is always on the computer - clears his browsing history, has a large amount of local ladies as friends on Facebook, etc. I am very uncomfortable, I think he may be up to something... He has moments where he acts as if he is exasperated with me or something, then other times I'm the love of his life. He still snoops on me - reads emails, etc. I'm not doing anything, he can trust me, but seems to feel he can't he's always been that way. I guess my question is: Do you think (in your humble/professional opinion) that he is still straying? Am I a dummy for staying? For the record - I didn't leave then mainly because I wasn't employed (except for a few graphic design jobs) and we have 4 kids (5-16) -things have changed and I could pretty much do it on my own if need be. There are times I seriously consider walking away - but I have children to think about. Not quite sure what to do. I love him, but I'm not happy.
Any input would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks in advance
Truth {♥}

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Truth,
This saddens me because there is so much in play with your four children risking being exposed if they haven’t been already. They are brighter than we imagine and ever more observant. I hate to see a family dismantled and separated but there are instances where the inner health of the parents are most vital for the health of the children. How much unhappiness is flowing in the air at home and how does this affect the children?
There is always hope for change but I think the scars run so deep that it would take some therapy sessions to assist in healing. Even if the decision to separate is made, you should consider therapy for the trust issues that has become tangible due to his cheating ways. The victimizer always expects the victim to just get over it and that’s because they do not whatsoever understand the pain and hurt in lies, cheating and deceit. They often run and evade from embracing their hurtful positions and wish you get over it so they wont feel like the bad guy. It isn’t so much for you to move on but for them to erase the burden of guilt. Its very selfish for someone to expect you to get over it. You have your own individual time period for healing and need it. This situation without therapy will remain unhealthy and will ultimately affect the kids and that worries me a lot. He seems to have the “you’re my wife, you’re my property” attitude and that worries me as well. Therapy should be a major topic at this point if there is anything to save here and even if not, in order to co-exist as parents for the children without any rage, jealousy or immaturity. Sometimes walking away is hard but best, I don’t want to flat out make an opinionated statement based on what you told me, I just try to give you the best answer I would give myself and my closest loved one. I really think if therapy isn’t embraced as a family then you need to put the option of separating on the table. There is the family component and in order to work as a cohesive family, a loving and strong unit, there must be healing. I truly hope I helped. Please keep me posted.

Mr. Lover Man,
I am in a world of confusion. I think I know what I have to do but seem to find myself stuck in a situation I shouldn’t be in. I typed you this question a dozen times and deleted it because its deep and I questioned how anonymous this is but I see it is and I need your words.
I have been with this guy for two years. Every weekend my child’s father was taking my child and I would have this man over and we would have so much fun and great sex and just feel free and laugh all the time. The last few months my child’s father wasn’t taking our child on the weekends, he sort of disappeared and things with my man are going from great to weird to horrible. He makes me feel so worthless at times and he says my child isn’t his responsibility when I ask him to do things with us. Oh yeah, he lives with me and my child. My child is four and I really thought this guy was someone I can spend my life with and he moved in with me and everything. He doesn’t show interest in my child. He has cheated on me recently and says its because I’m so busy with my child that I don’t have time for him. He makes me feel like he has done this before and I wish he could just accept my child too. My child needs me and I cant just give my child’s attention away to him. How can I do both? How can I make him stop cheating? I really hate how he makes me feel. He blames me for my child’s fathers disappearance by saying I had to have done or said something because the guy wouldn’t just disappear. We start arguing but his words are a lot harsher and I just shut up because I don’t have the strength to argue sometimes. What should I do?
Thank you, I read your blog and I don’t want to go to my friends, they don’t know and I don’t want them to. Sincerely, Lost

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Lost,
I never allow these questions to get me riled up because I am someone that has spent considerable time in my life assisting when I can and giving advice. I have worked in some of the most strenuous fields of work and when riled up, step away for a moment of clarity and return with the best of me surfaced. Your email made me take a moment.
First thing I want to say is your boyfriend is a scumbag. Yes I said it. He is a piece of trash, yet I will explain his position so you can have a better understanding why he does what he does. You were the weekend ass to him. Every weekend he was able to have uninterrupted sex, all weekend and a place to stay worry free from whatever he had in his world. He looks at your child as a disruption of this and isn’t mature enough to let go and embrace your child and after this length of time he wont. He doesn’t view you as wife material, he sees you as convenience sex and comfort. You provide shelter and sex and probably dinner. Your child to him is imposing on his perfect little world and he refuses to give in. That is disgusting and selfish and you as a parent disappoint me tremendously. How this idiot remains in your home is something you need to ask yourself. There isn’t a balancing act between your child and that guy if he doesn’t respect you, your child and your position. There is no way to make him happy because he will resent your child for taking away his little selfish world and I fear his ability to harm your child out of jealousy. My best advice is to detach and eliminate, you must realize what’s healthiest for your child and remove this idiot from your home. This is one situation that is unhealthy and rarely if ever gets better. You should also consider counseling because I feel there is more to not only this story but your story in general. I want best for you and your child. Please consider outside help. The best solution with that jerk is to let it go. You may think it will bring pain to your heart but I guarantee after the very temporary pain subsides, joy will surface ten fold. This I promise. Please keep me posted.

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CHEATING AND DECISIONS

To Mr. Lover Man

Hey mr lover lover… I need help here, is it really true that once a cheater always a cheater? My boyfriend cheated on me and he reminded me of when I cheated on him last year but I have not had the temptation to do it again but I think with men it is different, so is it true that once a cheater always a cheater. Thank you, truly, innocent but not so innocent

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Innocent but not so innocent,
People tend to always blame men for being the constant cheater like there is a genetic component that forces men to cheat and it’s out of their control. This is such idiocy. For the record, statistically women cheat more than men and anyone who takes pride in that is an idiot. Cheating is a conscious decision no matter what (unless drugged but that’s another topic) and is one made individually. Can someone change, of course they can. Can someone stop cheating? Of course they can, stop listening to one liners by bitter miserable idiots who are afraid to take chances or who only attract losers. You have cheated and you stated that you have not had the temptation but that didn’t sound like you were in the clear yourself. So should he trust you? I think that counseling or some form of professional help would be suffice here and definitely would pit you in a better position amongst one another. I do wish the best for you, please keep me posted and remember that people are individuals.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Why do people who cheat tend to say that the cheating had absolutely nothing to do with their partner? Say that it wasn't that the other person was better in bed; better looking, etc. yet risk destroying their relationship? How can a person come back with it was just something that happened/something that they felt like doing for that moment and/or amount of time yet still claim to love and want to be with their partner? That just strikes me as immature, greedy and ignorant. I'd really appreciate your view on this. Thank you, Simply Me

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Simply Me
Well in my opinion the fact that one cheats is enough to ask oneself “does the costs of this relationship outweigh the rewards?” and if so, it’s time to let it go. There is no reason for cheating, EVER. The lame excuses people use are to cover their malicious, selfish, inconsiderate selves. These are ways to make them become the victim when they are actually cruel, greedy, horrible people at this time. In your question you want to know why certain things are said. In my opinion these are said to place a pillow under the fact that this person was horrible in their actions and they wish to soften it and make them look less selfish. Anyone who cheats has not taken the loss of the relationship in full account and if they did then they either felt it wasn’t worth much or they had a cemented position. If one results to cheating, they did NOT respect the other party whatsoever. As for the person saying the love the partner and wanting to be with them, well why not? At the moment of not being physically tangled with the side piece, of course they are feeling what they think is love again, of course they want their cake and eat it too. Greedy people are like that. You have to remember that they cheated, so how can you trust their words right after they cheated? Situations like this either need professional intervention or detaching in order for there to be healthy solutions. Good luck with everything.

Dear Mr. Lover Man
I have been talking to this guy for seven months now. Meet him on twitter; we started bbm each then moved to talking on the phone almost every day for several months. We started making plans to see each other. I was excited about it until I went home on a visit and the males in my family started putting doubts in my head. My sister said she would go with me but they said two women shouldn't be going either. But we were staying at a hotel n he was going to meet me there. Well while I was there visiting family. I must have changed because he said I act like I didn't want to talk to him. Well, I stopped calling him for a few months but still talked to him a bbm. I never told him why I pulled back until a few months ago. He was not happy, he said I should have talked to him about it. He has a temper, this I know from the way he writes not from talking with him. And he admits it. But back to the subject. I bbm him all the time but he don't bbm me. We talking about seeing each other again, but to me something is not right. I ask him to call me, he say he will but never do. Now he getting a iphone n he said that I still have his number we can text. He always says that it's me that don't like to talk on the phone. Should I call him? He said he’s not seeing anyone, and that he would like to see what happens with us before he does. I want t believe him but, something is not right to me, and I ask him all the time is he sure bout meeting me. He says yes. But why doesn't he call when he says he is. Or bbm me? What do u think?
Sincerely What should I do?

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear What should I do,
One thing I have always been against is the consistent intervention of family and friends when it isn’t fully warranted. I understand the concern of your siblings but they made a bias and unfair assessment thinking they had your best interest ion heart and I’m sure they did but that doesn’t make it the best choice. Ultimately you have to be content with the choices you make and no one else will ever feel what you feel when you lay your head on that pillow at night alone. Now the troubling thing is that it clearly appears to me that the intervention caused you to act different and keeping this distance for months after things seemed to progress cause this gentleman to retract his stance. He was also emotionally invested and your unexplainable changes for months before the confession can feel deceitful and unfair to the other person. It now has caused him to do the same thing it appears and there doesn’t seem to be substantial growth. As for his anger issues, this is something that should be addressed and there is definitely anger management classes that are affordable all over. I highly recommend it. Now to these unmade phone calls, this is something I call high school. I don’t believe in waiting for a call, giving cold shoulders, waiting to see who calls first, blah blah blah… These are childish and never accomplish anything. These are young minded, bitter games to give a false sense of control in a relationship instead of looking for partnership. You want to talk to him and hear his voice, then call him. He is acting a way in defense to what you have unfolded upon him and although that doesn’t make it right, it’s what’s happening. You need to step up with the same effort as you easily stepped back and make your position known. If this is what you want then go for it, do not wait and allow him to think you are playing the “fall back” game again. I don’t know if it is that he is dating and I don’t know that maybe he is protecting his heart from outside intervention that may persuade you to pull back again but unless you step up you will never know. I wish you the best of luck, please let me know how it turns out.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I need advice ... I’m IN LOVE WITH 3 MEN. And I can’t seem to choose which one that I really want to be with. One makes me happy as a best friend and more but I find that I am not as physically attractive to him, the other is EVERYTHING that I could ask for and more, he is perfect and yet I’m just waiting for something to go wrong, and the other is just everything that I want but don't need because all we do is argue and fight…. help.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: The bad thing about being in love with more than one person is the misinterpreted positions they think they play. In your situation there are 3 men who probably have feelings for you being that you profess your love for them. You stating you do not know which one to choose tells me that in some degree they are not all aware that you are stuck in limbo trying to make a choice. This alone is a selfish act and before you can come to terms with making a choice, take some time to tell these men truthfully how you feel and that you are stuck between a choice of 3 and watch the choice become easier as someone will not wait around to be some contestant in your reality show. However, in searching for the “one” of three, one must ask self what is it that “I” want? What is it that makes me happy and as a unit what can we achieve. Making the best choice is not a guarantee; you have one that doesn’t catch your physical lustful eye and that kind of narrows sexual attraction unless love is so overwhelming which I’m not sure it is because of your physical confession. Then the one that is everything you want but waiting for his errors and flaws to show, in my opinion if you look for something hard enough, you will find it. Even if it is NOT there. What’s wrong with just enjoying what is happening now? Nothing at all. Stop looking for negativity and appreciate what you have. It’s ok to prepare for the worst but stop searching for it; you will ultimately sabotage that relationship. As for the one you are always arguing and fighting with, well that appears to be very unhealthy and not the one I would consider on face value. With the information given, it appears to be the least healthy of the bunch. I think you need to dig deep within yourself and take a moment away from all three in order to better assess the situation, and don’t add any more because soon you will be a VH1 special. LOL. Good luck with everything. Keep me posted.

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HELP ME FIND LOVE!!!

Dear MrLoverMan: I am having a real problem here and I hope you can help me resolve this before this situation gets more worser. I am really and totally in love with wonderful guy I met online and we had been talking for awhile now and I find him to be such a very down to earth and just a great person and I want to be truthful and up front with him tell him everything about me. I know what I'm doing is so wrong and I just know I'm going to lose this wonderful person and that he probably deserves someone far better than me and he says he loves me but I'm not the person who he thinks is. He's been hurt before and I don' think this is fair to him me doing this terrible, thing. Okay First I'm older than he is by 10 years, Ive never been married nor do I have any children. I am a very nice looking woman ok let's make that a big and beautiful woman(5'8) with a very nice personality who just wants to be happy and in love forever and somehow that's just not happening and there was a time that I was once so much in love with someone and that person was my life back a few years ago. So as of now there is no one in my life except this wonderful guy I'm talking about also we never met face to face yet. Back some years ago I never had a problem of getting a man and was outgoing in my late teen years up until a couple of years ago. I only had 2 relationships one when I was 17 in high school and a few years later on & that lasted a long time. I used to be shy and still am a little. Anyway this wonderful guy is honest about himself and I don't think he'll ever want to speak or hear from me ever again so I can't blame him I blaming myself for trying to be someone I'm not. I really do want to be with him but looks like that is never going to happen. I just want be happy and have someone to love me forever and me loving them. I know I should have just been myself and not no one else. When we talk we the conversations are always nice with no crazy stuff but I know I blew this my probably my one & only chance for true happiness. Can you help me on this?

Thank You,
Sign, Anonymous.
 
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This is complex and one thing i will say is you can mislead this guy and hurt him later on in and lose him forever or take the chance in coming claen right away and trust in love. He sounds like a great guy and I am sure if you come clean and explain why you lied and why you were afraid to come clean for so long, he will hear you out. I wish I knew the exact outcome but we dont. You believe this is your true chance at a forever type of love? Well then you better earn it with some truth before the lie seeks in so deep that you lose him for good. Do not give up on him, and you must express yourself honestly and believe in love. You owe him the truth, you owe him to know about you fully as he has allowed you honestly into his life and his heart and you owe yourself the act to come clean. It is healing, tell him all he needs to know and I promise it will be healing. Ultimately you guys will have to meet, what are you going to do then? That surprise would ruin everything and you would definitely lose him. Before you ever meet him you need to come clean long before like ASAP. Please keep me posted as to what unfolds, good luck and I hope it turns out best for you guys, no matter where that ends.

Dear Mr. Lover Man, I am in fear of getting hurt. I haven't had positive experiences with dating men. I am currently finding that a protective shield goes up when I start to have feelings for someone. I find that I would like to meet someone, but I am scared that the person will hurt me so I pull back the minute I start to have feelings. I find that I over analyze and label every little behavior as an indication that the man is no good so it's easier to move on without him. I am able to let people in but then I pull back.. I feel very depressed when I am hurt so I decrease my chances by not being hurt by pulling back. I have problems brushing it off like some others are able to do. Is this normal behavior? Should I avoid dating? Should I take the chances of being hurt even if it's hard for me to bounce back and stay positive? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Sadly this happens more than it should and that’s what the trauma of heartache can do. I am very concerned here though because I know these feelings well and there a ways of overcoming, one is to consider a professional to speak to. There are things you are holding on to that you must let go in order to move forward and I’m not sure how far back they go. The fear of being hurt cannot and should not take more action than the willingness to be appreciated, learned about and loved. You are allowing the fear the paralyzing power that it should not have and I need you to take a stand from within. Take slow steps but strong steps, do not over assume anything about anyone and measure what it is that is being delivered to you. Do not allow this fear to mask your heart and your intelligence. Trust me, the fear that is so strong that it can shut you down or pull you back can and probably has hurt someone’s feelings whom didn’t deserve to be hurt. In order for you to be successful in dating, you must address the inner hurt that has empowered fear. You haven’t had positive experiences, re-cap them and ask what role did you play and work only on that. You cannot fix others but see if maybe you have taken wrong steps or approaches, this usually helps and allows one to heal and move forward. Some people are assholes and some are wonderful, it’s never easy to sort it out right away and at times disappointment and hurt lurk in the clouds waiting to loom in and enter our lives. There is also love, compassion, trust and understanding and they also wait to emerge from within because you have that within already. You must learn to let it surface and trust in yourself to analyze without over analyzing and assess accordingly and ask questions, feel the position and make decisions of rationale on not solely based on emotion. I wish you the best, please stay in touch to let me know how things turn out and good luck.

Dear Mr. Lover Man, So, this is my question....I am in a "relationship" with this guy cause we are having sex. I was told by someone I know that even if you are having just a physical relationship with someone you are still in a relationship. So we dated in the past and we are recently just getting back in touch. No this is my problem..... I honestly like this guy I love the attention he gives me when he is around me, but that hasn't been much the case. I would love to be in a real relationship with him yet I don’t think that he is in that place right now. So I am not trying to be tooo much on him and I would love for him to wife me up but I do not know what to do. Should I stay and try to just be patient and wait or is this only ever going to be a physical relationship. Miriam

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Miriam,
First thing is that once the situation remains just a sexual relationship it often doesn’t progress because of its basis of sex. Yes you guys dated in the past but this relationship is based on sex and gives the message to the guy that he is being used for company and sex and it appears that he is embracing his role well,. The only way this changes for better or worse (and usually better) is to address it maturely. I have a saying I say (Mr. Lover Man exclusive LOL) “Never deny your mouth the chance to be the spokesperson for your heart”. With that being said, you must not live in your brain, assuming it will turn out find if you just let things happen, sometimes one must stand tall and make their position known and this is that time. If he doesn’t want more than you can either accept it as just sex or move forward without him but you well know where you truly stand. Don’t deny yourself truth. Good luck and let me know how this unfolds.


Dear Mr. Lover Man, I am extremely busy and find that dating can be time consuming if you're seeking a serious relationship and not just a casual relationship. I'm unable to date several times a month like most singles that are eagerly looking for someone who is compatible. I am aware that I can observe things such as subtle cues or sexually explicit remarks to detect if a man is just interested in sex. The problem is that you can't always tell. I find it very frustrating receiving no callbacks because I wasn't intimate with him on the first date. Do you suggest that women who are looking for serious relationships discuss sex before going on the first date? I find it would save a lot of time, but I find the latter very uncomfortable. Any suggestions? E.C.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear E.C.
I will say that time is definitely an issue when establishing something concrete or serious in any matter. It definitely is frustrating not to receive a call back but I propose this, do not always wait for a call, and make a call if the interest warrants a call. From that call you will know where this person stands. Are you aware that about 20% of men that don’t call after a date feels that the woman wasn’t interested? That may be one situation you were in and never knew it. Of course one can say the guy should call and tough it up and find out but equally you can make the call. We are at points where the man and woman’s roles have been changed, mixed, morphed, played with and reconstructed to individual situations and for me that’s great. Try making a call to see where they stand, ask about a recap of the date, it’s safe and gives you a good standing ground. Sadly, one can never know all the time every person’s agenda if there is one and one cannot always find fairy tale romance but one can safely take chances. The topic of sex is very mature when approached right, but don’t just interject it to test a person’s interest because most people meet and date at first because of physical attraction. Good luck E.C.

.Dear Mr. Lover man, I have heard stories of people taking looking for a serious relationship so seriously that they go on several dates a week. The hunt for someone becomes almost a f/t job on the side. I have never taken that approach. Do you feel that people who are looking for a serious relationship should be eagerly looking for that special someone like it's a business? Or do you believe that you don't find that special someone when you're out hunting? What is your opinion? Does it really happen when you least expect it? Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous
I honestly am a believer in beautiful stories and I believe in finding beauty in every story. There is not time nor distance to love or happiness, I often repeat that because it is something I have believed in with proof. As for the manhunt for love, that is something so many of us wish was such an easy mission. At times we seek out to find something and if we look hard enough we think we find it, even when it doesn’t exist. Dating is fine but multiple people a week to find “the one” sort of becomes misleading or makes one get burned out to the point of settling. I think every situation is individual and the rules of societal norms mean nothing. One may find love by multi-dating but I see that less often than by learning about one individual at a time. I have seen, heard and lived situations where love does happen when you least expect it, one should never make the assumption that anyone could be “The one” but should learn about people and see if there is enough to pursue. Good Luck Anonymous.

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Questions needed to be asked

Dear Sir,
I need some words on long distance love. I love a man whom I am separated from due to many miles but close to by technology. Any words on keeping this alive?
Thank you ahead of time.
Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous

The long distance relationship is at times the most challenging but when the moments arise of togetherness, they tend to be the most rewarding. I often use the term “If the rewards outweigh the costs then fight for him”. I firmly believe that love travels miles if love is real. You need to hear his voice hopefully once a day at least. Tell him how you feel as often as you can, speak to him through your technological means as if he was in your bed and you were whispering in his ear. Send gifts (something endearing and not expensive) know what makes him smile and be responsible for those smiles. These things leave a lasting impression and will hand deliver you your man. Talk about possibilities of locations when time is right; don’t be afraid to ask questions, expressing self verbally is important when distanced because that’s your main component, your technological connection. Use it to its fullest ability. The same way you surprise a man with wit, charm and passion when near, continue to do so through technology. It will work. Blessings to you both for a great forever relationship.



Mr. Lover Man,

I have a question; my woman is always spending time on the phone with her male friend. I been with her 8 months and never even met this “friend” and it is getting on my nerves because she goes out every weekend and I’m stuck home watching her daughter and have been watching her daughter for the last 6 months every weekend. I want to change things but she is always busy with her friends. Help me, tell me the truth, should I leave or try to fix it?

Thanks

Male babysitter

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS:

Well Mr. Male Babysitter, (not sure I’m comfortable using that name) you are in a predicament that I have witnessed quite a few times. You are in a situation you may not want to leave because it does feel good to not be single but is it really healthy? Let’s go through the motions if you will, your first gripe mentioned is her male friend. It seems as if you have strong doubts about this “friendship” and it is as if you are implying there is some foul play going on. You may be right but you also may be wrong. I wonder why has it been 8 months and you haven’t met him. You should offer yourself to meet and express that you feel it’s important because you know how important her friend is to her. The truth usually comes out from there. As for her going out and leaving you to babysit her daughter for the last 6 months out of the 8 months you both have been dating sounds horrendous. Two major problems I have here is one, someone who abandons their child every weekend does not need to be a parent. Parenting is not a weekday/night job. It’s always and I have seen where parents (I’m being generous by even calling their loser asses parents) The fact that she runs out to do Lord knows what, every single weekend for the last 6 months and probably doesn’t know what her daughter likes to do on the weekend is disheartening. The other fact that after only 2 months of you guys dating, you were watching her daughter alone is disgusting (no offense to you buddy). How does someone leave their child with someone they dated 2 months alone every weekend? You have to weigh out the type of woman this is and ask yourself is this the punishment you want to put yourself through? You didn’t mention any good points and I think it’s important you weigh it out. Do not mislead yourself because you try to avoid hurt. Be honest with yourself and make a decision that benefits you as an individual. One must be happy with self in order to be happy with another.



To Mr Lover Man,

I love my man, I know he is a good man. The best man I ever met in my life. Here is the problem, sexually he does not please me and I am very sexual. I find myself ready to cheat because I have needs to. Is it bad if I am cheating just to be satisfied?

Sexually frustrated


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Sexually Frustrated,

I think that this is not a lost case and before you go jumping on a random dick think of a few things here. First thing, you are not guaranteed the sexual God you want in the next random dick and could just be risking breaking a good man’s heart and bringing home an STD. I hope you have not already attempted this act, if so, please test yourself before you have sex with a good man. Second, you say that he is the best man you ever met, then why not converse about this sexual problem? You can tell him you wanted to try new things your friends spoke about, or you can tell him that you read somewhere that sex can be improved by…… and you fill in the blank. There are many ways to implement an answer for this problem without bringing another dick into your mouth or hurting a good guy’s feelings. Always communicate first, always.




Q: Mr. Lover Man,

I really like this guy so much I known him a very short time and he wants to marry me asap. What should I do? I really love him!

Tatiana

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Tatiana,

Love does not have a time period; you have to take a moment to think if this is the man you can wake up to everyday and sleep with every night. Is this the man you can see forever with? How does he make you feel? These are important issues when considering forever. I don’t ever believe in the societal standard or norm for a relationship, that’s lame and does not ever give people individual chances. Love is undefined and only defined by people looking for something tangible to place to that forever feeling. Love is as powerful, something unmatched and if you love him as he loves you, take everything in consideration and make your decision. If you decide to marry him, I’ll take an invite to attend. LOL.

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