Sunday, May 16, 2010


Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I love this guy and we been together 8 years. The problem is I don’t feel like he loves me except when he wants sex. He starts to touch and kiss me, he doesn’t do that any other time, also he is always out with his boys and never calls to check on me, he wont even answer my call or text but he is always on Twitter at the same time I’m messaging him. If I go out (not as much as he does) he always wants to call or text and gets mad when I don’t respond right away. He has broken up with me about 5 times and has dealt with other women, but he always apologizes and I love him so I take him back. I know people say I should leave but I cant, I believe we can work and get better, I think in time one day he will appreciate me. How can I speed that process up?
Torn but in love

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Torn but in love
First thing you should know is that you need to learn to love yourself more than you do. You voluntarily subject yourself to emotional abuse and you rationalize with the whole “but I love him” crap. If I had a dime for every time some idiot said that, I would be Bill Gates. How do you love someone that not only doesn’t display love but doesn’t display any good qualities to love? Your self-esteem needs CPR and your heart needs mending and education. You need to learn to love yourself, you need to learn that being an emotional cripple, or emotionally dependent is NOT loving someone. You need to know that time does not guarantee love, so your being together 8 years does NOT mean love exists., You are accessible sex, easy convenient sex for him. You are there at will, he sees you as property. He can sleep elsewhere, leave and always return because he knows you are broken, he knows you are weak. You need to take that power back from him, you need to find love for self so badly that you see what you wrote me and see how abused you are. As to your question about speeding it up, well you are misleading yourself into believing something that isn’t real, you can not speed it up. He is the only one that can change him and it has to be for him and not for you. You are in a very unhealthy relationship that has potential for physical abuse, you need professional help and should consider that. I hope the best for you, love yourself enough to move on. Please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m having some doubts about my situation with my woman. She seems to always be more involved with her male friends than me. She is also always willing to support their projects but never has supported mine. She compliments them, never compliments me, she has more conversation with them than with me and seems to always make me secondary. Is this worth saving? I don’t even know how she feels because she is not expressive with me, I try to start conversation and she doesn’t give back much, but she loves the attention from other men. Am I dumb for even staying?

Luke, this is sadly a little bit more common than mentioned. I have encountered this question on my lap more than I would like to admit. The thing is that it is hard to pinpoint the exact cause of her distance from you and gravitation towards other men. Here are some options to consider, at times some people are too complacent in their relationships and tend to take their partner for granted. They often assume that this is their situation and it wont change so they don’t show the loving appreciation they should. This usually leads to the relationships demise. Another option to consider is that she is involved with another man or men and that her attention is easily diverted because she is easily bedded by them. There is no excuse for a partner to not support their partners project but support random guys projects. She may not have the appropriate attention span to be with just you and bores easily and needs new men often. This will make her bitter and lonely ultimately and you do not deserve to take that bitter ride she is on. You deserve better. You have said you attempted communication and she isn’t open, I applaud your attempt but I think that sometimes your approach has to be one that caters to her persona. If that fails, feel free to express yourself anyway honestly and move on. Everyone deserves a partner that appreciates them, everyone should be complimented and supported and she isn’t ready to be a woman yet, and she may never be. Let her go if she isn’t willing to communicate and move forward. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am married with my wife for 5 years and we are happy. We have a 3 year old son and I really have no quarrels to report here, however, my dilemma derives from a previous relationship and I really am baffled at the lengths someone would go in lies so I would like to seek anonymous advice. My ex-girlfriend from long ago has an 11 year old daughter that she is saying is mine. Now I haven’t heard from her this entire time since she was caught cheating on me and I walked away. Her daughter being mine doesn’t seem as possible as it being the guys she cheated on me with but I am not a man to walk away from my duties as a man because of a bitter break up. She has showed up to my job with her daughter and this girl looks so sickly that my heart was shattered for her. My ex used to be a model and I figured what I always told her would be right, I told her to have a plan b because modeling wouldn’t last forever, and she is looking a bit shabby as is her daughter. Now I wonder if I am being a scapegoat or am I really a deprived father that was denied the opportunity to know his child that he didn’t even know existed? I do not expect you to know that answer but I would love insight out of my own. Thank you. Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This is not the easiest situation to face but I admire your diligence as a man, your desire to do the right thing. Now lets talk about a few possibilities here, your ex-girlfriend and her denying you 11 years of your possible child is something you are going to have to let go. That’s something you can explain to this child at an appropriate time if she is yours. Her mom will have to answer for that later on in life. Maybe she was ran through and run dry & taken advantage of from her looks, maybe she is unhealthy, maybe she is broke, maybe she is tired, but no matter what it is, the focus is 11 year old child. Your ex may have a plan and I think that your priority is DNA testing. Not on no silly outlandish show like Maury Pauvich but definitely done asap. I don’t even know that it is healthy to create a dialogue with the child until this is done. They have many clinics all over that do this service quickly with results rapid. If this situation unfolds revealing you to be the father, please do N OT enter this situation bitter about the past, do not focus on what you missed and focus on today and tomorrow. Love her with your heart and welcome her to your family with warmth. If she isn’t yours, close this chapter in permanence and move forward feeling absolutely no guilt as you did nothing wrong. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
This guy I was with said he was in love with me and wanted to have my baby and all this stuff that really made me feel good. I messed up and went on 2 dates with another guy, but I conducted myself well. I didn’t do anything I shouldn’t have, I didn’t’ have sex, I had a good time but then felt so bad I confessed it and got dumped. Now one week later he is already dating someone else and to be honest I feel like she is hotter than me physically and I’m almost intimidated to even think I can get him back. What do I do? He wont talk to me.

Sometimes the choices we make bite us in the ass and you made a choice to date another man while you are in a committed relationship, you kinda got what you deserve in this particular situation. Have you taken into account how he would feel about it? It does not seem that mattered while you were on your date have a grad old time. He found someone else and refuses to talk to you, now in honesty, this very well seems like some rebound piece of ass but I could be wrong. His refusal to speak to you expresses his hurt and or disgust at your choices to do so. How can and why should he trust you now? We often get blindsided by others and that shows how weak we are, yet when another does it we feel betrayed. Your selfish qualities should be addressed and if you have a genuine desire to love this man and can do right by him and really feel that this is best for you both, then step to him, put all the cards on the table, address your wrongs and your feelings as honestly as possible. Communication is the only thing that can be the lifeline to your relationship. Good luck and please keep me posted.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Whew!!!! You give great advice, Sir! Those are some tough situations.

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