Thursday, June 24, 2010


Dear Mr. Lover Man

My boyfriend’s mom is such a b#tch. Sorry for the language but I really don’t know how else to express this. It’s like she can’t see him with a woman and it drives me nuts. She still hovers over him; every time I’m over she has to give me the look over, at times rolling her eyes and even ignores me. I want to tell my man these things but I don’t know how he will react. I also want to slap his mother but that isn’t who I am, even though the thought makes me smile. I don’t really understand how someone could be so dramatic and overbearing on him. He is 27 and I am 26. Isn’t there a time period when this ends? I want to be with him because I know he is the one for me but I didn’t sign up for his mom to be aboard this train ride. What should I do? Agnes

This is definitely a situation I wish to always avoid in life. It is so hard to be in a situation where the other person will be placed in an awkward situation if the message in conveyed in an inappropriate manner. He seems to have a relationship with his mother that may or may not be a bit clingy. This can be addressed in a civil manner. You can start out by asking him “Do you think your mom likes me?” go with his answer into how you approach the situation, if he says yes, ask how does he know then say “well the reason I ask is because” and not in an accusatory manner but in a civil concerned manner express everything exactly how you feel (minus the slapping of his mom and the B-word). Remind him of the importance of the relationship and why you want his mom to like you. Suggest an outing with other people. Moms tend to warm up a bit more around a larger group of friends. Never be afraid to communicate your feelings because those are yours and if you don’t speak, you are doomed to repeat. I wish you the best of luck and keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I'm 25 years old and have never heard, felt or seen any type of love from my mother... Ever... Not even an "I love you". I've learned through the years to accept it and put it in one of those "it is what it is" categories but it has always bothered me deeply. At a young age (and still now honestly) I thought it was my fault, maybe I did something to anger her or make her ashamed of me. When I was 3 years old we moved from Puerto Rico to Virginia and I ended up living with my grandparents. She told people who asked about us moving that she couldn't do her normal routine anymore because of me. As I got older I assumed it was my fault that we had to move even when my family stated otherwise. She has never expressed anger or rage towards me and I knew she was capable of love because she expressed and expresses love with my older sister. I've attempted to talk to her about everything twice and she blows it off and leaves it at "you were well taken care of growing up"... It’s like she's unaware or doesn't care, either or. I want to move on from this and for some reason leaving it at "it is what it is" isn't helping me emotionally and mentally. What should I do or more so where should I go from here? Thanks.
-A Love Unknown

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear A Love Unknown
These situations are often the hardest in relationships. So many times there is so much missing between parent and child and this can lead to a series of unanswered events in one’s life. I want to say that there is a saying that “sometimes let sleeping dogs lie”, however, this is not that time. You carried an unfair burden too long and you are warranted healing. There could be too many factors as to your mothers lack of loving expression you may have needed and/or wanted growing up (even present). I wish I can tell you which one but that is impossible to determine without having full participation from your mother, this is where you come in. You are going to have to take the authoritative role in wanting answers. The passive role continues to get you brushed off. Express the importance of wanting to know, express how bothered you are and what burdened you carried for long. Let it out, not in an attacking manner because maybe your mother hasn’t come to terms in some issues she faced, but in a strong, loving way. Try to defy the brush-offs, try to resist just walking away and accepting no answer. Have you tried speaking to other family members who are intimate with this situation? Maybe trying to link something’s together? Sometimes this helps as well, but nothing will give that full healing and resolution like a sit down with your mom. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am having so much trouble with my family. I can get them to like my boyfriend and they haven’t even met him yet. I have 2 brothers, one sister, and my mom. I am 25 years old and they just can’t get over what my ex boyfriend did to me, so now I suffer from their ridicule, comments, their aggressive “protection” and I’m am so unhappy. My boyfriend was happy to meet them and the day they were to meet my family started a huge argument with me and sabotaged the entire meeting before it could happen. Now my boyfriend is unwilling to meet them and I want to try to mend this and get them all on the same page but neither will budge. I think I understand my boyfriend’s position in not no longer wanting to meet them but it would make me happy. My family on the other hand has been insisting that he will hurt me like my ex did. I feel like I have to always make my family happy because I felt like I neglected them when I was with my last boyfriend. I’m tired of this, what to do?

I Am an Adult

MR LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear I am an Adult,
First of all, you need to take a breath. Next you have to remind yourself that you deserve happiness as well as anyone else, whether its family, friends, boyfriend, etc. I’m sure they in a sense are trying to look out for your best interest but living as their puppet will never give you the happiness they need. If they haven’t met him, their pre-judging is childish and bordering idiotic. However, I can understand their stance. Whatever it was your ex did, made them feel you are not inadequate to make decisions for yourself again. You need to take a stand for yourself and not allow them to run your life. It is good to look at others opinions and have discussion but they are childish in their campaign to bash someone they don’t know anything about. State the importance of this relationship and tell them, if they really want to protect you, they would accept your situation and allow you to learn. By the way, you are 25 not 12. This is almost insane that you are not allowed to make adult decisions in a relationship but the entire world accepts you as an adult. As for your boyfriend, I think that he has a legitimate gripe in not wanting to meet the people whom have pre-judged him without knowing him. However, this is important to you and I’m very sure if you convey that in communication, if he is the good man you expect him to be, he will fold. You have to make a compelling case as to why he should forgive and forget in your best interest over him being offended. I believe that he will because people will always judge others and it takes a strong person to overcome that. This is an early test already you both are facing. You both determine the fate of this relationship, not your family. That’s almost perverse for them to even think they will have say so over an adult, not to mention selfish. Allow effective communication to lead you through this. I believe that a resolution is near. Good luck and please keep me posted.

To Mr. Lover Man,
My brother and my best friend always giving me flack about guys I date. Especially my best friend (he is male). It seems like they are never good enough and this time I am happy, I want to settle down and I can’t get them to even crack a smile about it. My best friend is always talking this macho crap about what he would do if this guy hurt me or how he would do this and that and in reality my boyfriend would put a severe hurting on him but that’s neither here nor there. My brother seems to always have been protective and that I can understand to a degree but I am 30, yes I said it, I am 30 years old and hate to visit my brother because although he is only 32, he seems to think he is the boss of me. My best friend tends to use things against me to get me to give in, he will shut me out, make fun of me, throw in my face how many times he was there for me and right now I’m starting to think he is jealous that I finally found the one. I don’t have any sisters and being the only girl makes me understand my brother but it’s how he does it. He is so bossy and I am so tired of it. My father accepts my boyfriend, my mother accepts it and yet these two always give me flack. Should I ignore them? “I want to be happy”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “I want to be happy”
Obviously with this much concern you have expressed you cannot ignore this, I don’t think you could if you wanted to. It is almost childish that at this age this teenage protection phase is still ongoing. It is great that your parents have embraced the notion of your happiness with your boyfriend but sad that your friend and brother hasn’t. Brothers are asses at times and although they often mean well, they tend to over shadow great judgment with protective crap. You have to sit him down separate from your friend and express how important his is to you and remind him how many times you listened and this time he should consider your judgment. You can also express the same with your friend. Just make sure you do it separately. Maybe your friend is jealous because he secretly wants involvement and feels that you are too far deep into the friendship. Or that you know way too much to take him serious but whatever the case is, this is NOT about him or your brother. In this world you can NOT please everyone but if you don’t please yourself, ultimately you don’t please anyone. Put yourself first and then it will all fall in place. Recruit your parents if you have to. Talk to them for support, this often sways decisions; you need to make sure that you understand that your brother and friend will not give you the happiness you must find from within. Your boyfriend can’t give you inner happiness either but they all contribute somehow so you must find a common ground. Communication will lead you there. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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