Wednesday, June 30, 2010


This particular blog was not an easy one for me. The horrible nature of rape and abuse digs deep within my soul. It is something so disgusting that I often (no exaggeration) feel a tight queasy feeling in my stomach. I knew that in order to be as effective with helping as I wanted to I needed to talk with a dear friend of mine, whom I love as a person and friend but also because she has an intellectual capacity to grasps things even I may overlook. To make her partnering on this blog much more effective, she is a writer, editor and above all, a rape and abuse victim. Our talks and relationship as friends have opened my world in a different way than my patients have. It touched me deeper because she has a permanent place in my heart, which made rape and abuse so much more real in its most horrifying ways. Please use this particular post to help yourselves, to help others, to understand that this is NOT acceptable in any sense or form. Know you are worth more and the power must be taken back from these vile, disgusting predators. Love does not abuse nor does it rape, we give excuses to sugar coat the fear, we lie to others to camouflage the disappointment, we create false worlds to hide into a safe haven when in reality we need to always feel free, safe and loved. I use this blog as a medium to help because I love people. I answer questions with a professional and personal backing because I know we can be better and we deserve better. This posting in particular has brought tears to my heart, and saddened my soul. Walk with me, walk with us, take our hands and let’s heal each other, one soul at a time.

-Mr. Lover Man

I have the scars that remind me every day of what abuse can do to people’s lives and I use plural here because abuse does not just affect one person at a time. Even if you think it’s only your problem it’s not. Abuse comes in all forms from physical to emotional to mental and let me tell you right now after everything I endured the worst was the emotional and mental scars and bruises that still sometimes bleed. When I think about men, women, children, anyone getting abused my blood boils over and I want to grab the victims and hold them in my arms and take them away from all the pain they are enduring. However, I know I can’t save anyone; they can only save themselves because I was the only one who could save me as well. This blog was hard for me because I wanted so bad to protect our writers and take them out of their situations because I know that things will only get worse for them and it scares me but what you must understand readers is that you must find strength inside yourself now. Abuse is not something to brush aside and take lightly. It is not just a man issue either, women do it to, it happens in the LGBTQ community as well and it happens to children too. If you need help or you are in a situation that you don’t know how to get out off you can contact me and I can help you find resources to help you get out. Just remember no matter what your ties are to your abuser, children, family, money, love, whatever it is, none of these are good enough excuses to stay because your life is more important that any of these things.
To flee is life, to linger, death.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am afraid. My husband hurts me. I know you will tell me to call the cops but I can't. I have a 2 year old child that needs his father. I am at my wits end and losing my mind. He physically abuses me to the point that I do not even cry no longer. He doesn't even talk to me like I don’t exist. He has went to the extent of raping me & I'm so destroyed that I think I can only have sex with him when he does that, I need to feel raped to find pleasure. Everything in me tells me he will kill me one day. Then I look in my son’s eye and I know he needs his dad so I sacrifice so he can have both parents. Sad thing is he doesn't do his father duties, but I know how he was when he did &he was good. Where do I go from here? Signed "Clipped Wings"

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Clipped Wings”, I could not tell you how this reaches me; I could not express enough the severity of your need to get away from his brutal clutches. Your husband is a vile and disgusting male and his abuse to you is not only unwarranted but of some of the most horrific nature. At any point I need you to know that you do NOT deserve this nor do you share any part of him making the decision to do this to you. I need you to re-read and believe that. I can sense a strong level of damage and yet I don’t want you to feel damaged. You need to look into your sons eyes and not see that he needs his father but remind yourself of the mother he needs, the mother who is assuming both roles as this disgusting male (he doesn’t deserve the title of man) destroys lives. The list of victims will increase as your child will be subjected to his brutal onslaught. Love does not exist in this man’s world. There comes a point where one must incarcerate, not just for the safety of self but the safety of all his future victims and maybe the past ones who haven’t spoken. This situation isn’t seasonal and the fact that he intends to demoralize you speaks volumes as to who he truly is. I need you to dig deep and find the Queen you are, I need you to be your sons protector, to be a warrior even if for a moment and call the authorities. Please do not allow him the power he has taken from you and others, please do not give him any chance to destroy. Look into your child’s eyes and do not look for his father any more, that man chose to abandon your heart and deliver evil, I need you to look for the safety and love of yourself and your child and make the call. Seek help for self and talk to professionals, this burden can be heavy but you will never be alone. Don’t choose to remain in his dungeon of life. The sun shines for you if you choose to stand in its light. I need you to please do so.

McBooBoo Says: Dear Clipped Wings,
Even though you think your wings have been clipped permanently I’m here to tell you that they grow back. In the meantime here is what you need to think about in your situation because I have been in your shoes; the only thing missing is that my child never made it to see his mother because of the abuse of his father. Thankfully you have a beautiful 2 year old son that has a wonderful mother that needs her more than anything right now because even though you think you won’t be able to leave him you are going to have to for the sake of your child and for you. You must leave your husband because this foreboding feeling of doom that you feel is the truth, he WILL either end up killing you one day or harming? Get out now! I’m begging you. You still have your wings and even though you feel you have been left for dead and sold up river, you are stronger and better than that and better than him. No matter how jaded, how stoic, how hurt and empty you feel right now, the love you have for your son will help you find the love you have for yourself again but in order to find that you have to get away from the source that took everything away from you. There are so many resources, people and places that can help you with all the details so there are no excuses not to save you and your son from this. You have to look at in as a life and death situation. If someone was trying to hurt your son you would do everything you could to protect him right? Well that is the same case here expect you are also going to protect yourself as well. You have the right to life my dear as does your son, you have the right to be the beautiful angel that you are and spread your wings and fly away and smile again and truly mean it! Get your wings back and take flight! - McBooBoo

McBooBoo, you hit it on the nail. I fear that he will definitely kill or severely physically harm to the point of disability. As always your words have the power of experience and I hope “Clipped Wings” understands that this doesn’t have to end with him. Her wings will blossom again when she chooses permanent detachment from this situation.

Mr. Lover Man, Beautifully put. You are a Queen remember that and in this situation you play the King too. My mother was a single Mom and did brilliantly don't be scared of raising your child alone. First because you may not have too and second because your child is better off without a father if his father is that vile of a creature. Most men that beat other women were taught these actions but their fathers and so on and so forth. This is sad but true. Children need to be taught important lessons early on and these are your child's most important years. So look into his eyes, hold him close, and sore into the air with those wings I know you have and take him away from this cruel world. After you have made your escape find yourself again. It's easy to use your son as a reason to leave and it’s a great reason but also understand that you are just as important and just as beautiful. You need to save yourself as well and find yourself again. To end I will leave you with one of my most favorite quotes that helped me through my years in my abusive relationship: No one can make you feel inferior with your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt

Hi, Mr. Lover Man.
This is my problem: My boyfriend of 3 yrs has a hitting problem. Maybe it is cause his parents use to beat him. Idk. He hit me 3 times and he apologizes & I can see how sorry he is. He even cried the 1st time and said he won't no more but he done did it 2 more times and idk if he will stop. I love him so much & when we not fighting he is a sweet man. I tried to bring up counseling but that's when he hit me the 3rd time. I don't want to leave cause he needs me and I love him. How can we get help? ~Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This situation is looking like it will grow for the worst. We tend to look at time like the investment it is but add the sense of how much time as an excuse for tolerance. Whether 3 years or 30 years, a man (or woman) should never hit another. Even if he has done this 3 times or 300 times there ios absolutely no excuse for these acts of ruthless hateful aggression. His 3rd hit when you brought up counseling is a clear indication that this man is not willing to get help and/or the fact that he may have accepted this as the norm and this will continue to worsen for you or anyone he gets involved with next. You need to get authorities involved and show zero tolerance for his actions. I get questioned about whether real men exist often and yes they do, you want to know the best way for you to find one? Leave this bully, this hateful piece of trash and incarcerate him. Love does NOT hurt people, people choose to hurt others. No one beats and abuses someone they love. We need to understand that he is at a crossroads in his life where it is slowly progressing for the worse. You claim to love him, and then force him into help with incarceration. Force him to see the hurt he inflicts, and you need to detach in permanence because you have a beautiful life to live. If we don’t put ourselves first, we could never truly help others. Please seek professional help to walk you through this. Please keep me posted.

McBooBoo Says: Dear Anonymous,
Let’s first start off with making a quick change to one thing you said, “My boyfriend of 3 yrs has a hitting problem.” My dear this is not a problem, like irritable bowel disease or snoring in his sleep. He hits you, he BEATS you, this is a habit, something that is not going to change, something that he learned from his parents, something that was taught to him and something that he feels he has a right too. He can cry and say he is sorry all he wants but those tears will never wash away the bruises he left on your face or arms. It will never take away the emotionally damage he has given you already. Those tears and apologizes mean nothing when the actions continue and they will continue. My ex of 6 years did the same back and forth games yours is doing and it never stopped. I also tried to get US help when in reality it his all HIM honey that needs the help, not YOU. You need to help yourself now and get out of this relationship. It’s not worth your time, your effort or your love anymore. You need to love yourself now and focus on you. Leave his hitting problem to someone else. He is a big boy; let him pick on someone his own size.

McBooBoo, sadly this punk will not pick on someone his size, nor will he ever show love to her as he evil festers within and will continue to be unleashed as long as it is tolerated and allowed. You are very right; she needs to take action and leave

MLM, I agree. Call the cops now or the next time he does it and show him how strong you really are. In the meantime if he doesn't want to go to counseling go yourself. You know why he beat you when you brought it up right? Because he is scared of losing you and getting in trouble for what he has done to you. My ex did the same thing to me when I started going to counseling, even had the nerve to tell me he was the only counselor I needed. Don't let him trap you and take you away from your friends and family either. Get yourself help and get away from him now while you still can. He is nothing but a bully but even my conservative mother still told me if someone hits you first you better hit back and make sure they never do it again. What I mean by that is call the cops and make sure he never does it again. -McBooBoo

Dear Mr. Lover Man.
This has to stay anonymous please. I made this fake e-mail because I am afraid to tell my family or friends. I wouldn't even tell you if you knew who I am. I was raped by someone I thought was my best friend. We were drinking and I don't know if that's the reason but I wasn't as drunk as him & remember everything. We been friends for so long & although we joke about sex or he always hated on guys I was with, I never saw this happening. He knows everything about me & our families are close& I'm scared that this would hurt a lot of people if i said something. I been avoiding him because I feel hurt & betrayed. He tried apologizing but how can he really be sorry? Should I tell my family and his family? "No Name"

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "No Name",
At no moment should you ever take into consideration how other people will feel if you reveal the truth. Think about how someone will feel if he is allowed to do this to others? You need to; you must expose his actions for the atrocity he committed. You do not ever deserve this and his true disgusting quality showed at the moment he let it run its course. He may have always planned this; he may have slowly tried to pick his spot so to speak and attacked when he felt he could get away with it. He befriended you, betrayed you and harmed you unlike another. This is no "friend" I would ever want. You need to expose him and if others can't accept it, at least take solace in knowing that you could have possibly prevented future rapes. Please never hold this in. This is to serious to ignore. Please keep me posted

McBooBoo Says: Dear No Name,
Understand even though you have no name to us here, you have a voice and it needs to be heard. I know you are scared, terrified and even embarrassed but most women are raped by men that they know, whether that be a husband, boyfriend or best friend. I was raped twice by two different boyfriends and by two different men who were suppose to love me and who were part of my friend and family circles. I didn’t tell anyone for over 10 years because of fear, shame and embarrassment but when I finally did the freedom of having a voice was better than living a lie and living in fear. My friends and family also understood!! I know! I didn’t think that would happen either but they will love, they will. And if they don’t you know who your true friends are. This friend is NOT your best friend, was never your friend and was never more than a disgusting liar and user. You deserve to live again and live a life of happiness and truth. Not of lies and fear because of horrible thing that someone else did? Would you also go to jail for him too? No you wouldn’t, so don’t live like you are. Have a name again and live my dear. -McBooBoo

McBooBoo, I couldn't have said it better, she definitely has a voice. I only hope she understands the importance of using it & also the importance and strength of her next steps

MLM, The only thing I want to add is that I had a friend tell me that my ex also did not love me and that there was no way possible he could have loved me after all he put me through. However I beg to differ because people love in so many ways. However the love he gave was not TRUE love and not healthy love. You may think this is the right love and yes he may love you and you may love him but this is not how love should be. I just wanted to clarify on that point because I remember I was really upset when my friend told me that because I knew my ex loved me just not in the right way if that makes sense. So understand that you may have the feelings of love, obsession, lust, etc but this is not how a relationship should be. Love should never feel like this, it should never hurt, bring fears, make you feel afraid. Love is kind and patient, it's honest and truthful and caring and understanding. You should feel happiness and freedom and joy and you should be able to be yourself at ALL times.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My boyfriend hits me. It took me days to get that sentence out. He hits me and he talks to me like I am worth nothing. I follow you on twitter and I see you are always talking about self worth and I always cry when I read the things you say because I know you are right. Why can't I take that big step to get out of this situation? I love him and I know he loves me but he hits me every time I try to correct him or tell him something he doesn't want to hear. I just don't say anything anymore. It’s safer for me. I'm afraid to do wrong. Why can't we just go back to where we were when we shared love all the time? He won't get help. Help me. Thank you "Tears

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Tears",
My heart cries out for you and everyone in your position but that is not enough. We need to make strong strides right now. We need to take a stand and understand that this illusion u call love is NOT real. He does NOT love you, there is no way humanly possible that he can treat someone he professes to love I'm such a disrespectful manner. He is owning you, he is trying to strip you of your voice, of your dignity, of your power and the longer you stick around the easier he will have converted you from blossoming flower to just a piece of property and maybe worse. Some people treat their property better than he is treating you and this must end. Your next moves will not just determine the direction of your life but the right move by leaving him & incarcerating him will send a clear message of your true worth & that this is unacceptable. You are a hero for doing so as you are preventing him from doing this to others. Please don't think I don't understand how hard it is to speak out against this. It is hard. The moment you do, you will be taking the power back. You are beauty, you are a Queen and there lies a great man in your path towards greatness. Please keep me posted.

McBooBoo Says: Dear Tears,
The fact that you even were able to find the strength to come to us in the first place is amazing and shows me you can get yourself out of this. You have courage and strength inside of you, probably more than you realize. He talks down to you because he wants you to believe you are worthless. Why? Because that is the only way he can keep you with him. He is pathetic and worthless himself. My ex did the same thing to me. Think about it. Women who get beat are usually some of the strongest women and you would never expect them to take it. If your best girlfriend was getting hit you would probably want to kill her boyfriend. I know I would. But when it was happening to me I thought I deserved it because HE told me I did and made me feel that way. Well my love, YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT. You are a worthwhile, amazing, STRONG woman and you need to realize this. To live a life where you have to walk on eggshells everyday because you are afraid to breath wrong is a horrible existence. I have been there and lived that life and honey let me tell you life is so my sweeter, so much more fulfilling without someone who won’t love you for you and won’t let you be who you are. He is so insecure about who is he that he has to beat you and bring you down. That is not someone who cares about you that is a selfish, pathetic human being. Whether you love him or he loves you doesn’t matter anymore. Love doesn’t hurt, love doesn’t hate and love does not trap. Remember this quote by John Wayne “Courage is being scared to death - but saddling up anyway.” Saddle up my love and dry those tears. Ride off into the sunset with a real prince charming and leave this beast behind.
- McBooBoo

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