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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am really having a dilemma, I want to get rid of this very clingy guy but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. How should I go about it? He creeps me out a little bit with the way he goes from sweet to upset in a second over small things. He calls too much asking me too many questions and always wants to take me to places that I have to go. HELP! “Anonymous”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
This sounds like there was a progression of possession here. I’m very sure there were signs because there always are. However, what happens is many women tend to think a little jealousy is cute and even goes along way but when you nurture that jealousy just like anything else, it grows, and in this case it grows to creep-ville. The first thing I want you to do is remain calm and honest. That is very important and when confronting this individual about the choices you are making, make sure someone(s) are in the area. Possessive and jealous people have been known to use physical force to attempt to defy the end when their words can no longer do so. His flip flop in emotions can mean many things, could be mental illness but also could be an out of control abuser waiting to be surfaced. Either way, you know you want out and you must stick to that. Now, you do not have to be mean, being firm and honest isn’t equivalent to being mean. If the calls persist and other things grow without him getting the hint, you must contact your local authorities because you can not underestimate someone in a possessive or jealous rage. Please be safe and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am not the type to argue or complain but my man is the only person to have brought it out of me. He never allows me to have a point of view and I am beginning to feel like he is abusive. He never hit me but he over talks my ever idea and no longer lets me live my social life that I always had. I love him but things changed. He really is possessive and I don’t like feeling like a prisoner. Save our relationship Mr. Lover Man. Thank you. “Mary”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mary”’
That is views as a form of abuse. You have the right to feel that way. In any situation in life, when you feel discomfort you MUST mention it and say so in the very beginning. Ignoring or forcing yourself to tolerate is the quiet way of accepting and saying its ok. In this situation it is NOT ok. A possessive partner is not a safe partner. You must remember that you are not his car, sofa or television and that you also have time and emotion invested in this relationship. There is a union and partnership that must be respected, if not, it has failed. You have to express these hurts and you have to express what you miss. Remind him who you are in his life and your position by his side, tell him you are willing to fight enough that you recommend therapy or professional intervention. People can’t turn of jealousy and possessiveness overnight. This is something that has been growing for quite some time and you need to end it asap. You have to tell him the importance of your social life and the importance of him having one as well. You do not want him to be dominating. There is a difference with masculinity and possessive. They do not have anything to do with each other. I need you to be truthful and expressive. If he is unwilling to make accommodations and seek help then you need to consider the harsh realities. One is that there is a great (almost guaranteed) chance that he will always do this, he will end up hitting on you and/or verbally abuse you to the point that he owns you because of diminishing esteem. You need to determine your value, not him. You need to take one final stand for this relationship. If he won’t, then you walk away. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My wife just changed on me like a chameleon. She went from affection and love to jealous and psycho. All I did was put a ring on her finger. Now she acts like she owns me. I have lost my own time because of this. She wants every second of my life. I need a breather, the marriage is worth fighting for and I love my wife but this is pushing me somewhere. Give me some tips so I turn this frog back to my queen. “Rob”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Rob”,
Your wife probably displayed slight hints of this and you may have tolerated it, blinded by the good. It happens too many but now that you are not only bonded by the heart but by law, it makes the sense of urgency a bit more. You need to honestly sit your wife down respectfully and honestly express your feelings about this. Ultimately there has to be ground made and she has to be willing to make changes because your marriage and the happiness that should have accompanied it depend on it. She may not even realize the costs of her actions and you don’t need to throw ultimatums in her face but just honestly express how it is affecting you. Let her express herself and her willingness to make changes, if she isn’t willing to then you have to ask yourself, how much are you willing to take before you walk away for good. Happiness is yours, never throw it away in an unhealthy relationship. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
If my boyfriend loves me why does he talk down to me? I stay at home, I cook, clean and do things a girl should. I don’t understand why he has to treat me like I’m not doing my thing. What should I do to make him understand? “Anonymous”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Anonymous",
Disgustingly, he does this to criticize so you can feel bad about yourself. This is to destroy your self esteem. The rationale (although pathetic) is that If you don't feel good about yourself then you will believe that no one else truly wants you for you. Then he has opened the forum to remind you how much he loves you or to impress upon you that you are lucky to have him so you never run off. This can turn to fear and a loss for inner self to the point that you end up believing that crap. He wants to dominate and own you; he wants to crack your will and your sense of independence so that you depend on him. You have already accepted the gender roles of what you believe a “girl should do” instead of having a partnership. You need to nip any down talk in the bud and remind him that he is to never speak to you like this. You are not his property, you are his partner and if he chooses to want property, you must remove yourself from this situation. These situations only lead to violence and every form of abuse. When words no longer have an effect, possessive and jealous men result to fist and feet. Please be safe, honest and firm. You are worth more. You must believe that. Please keep me posted. Good luck.
SOME KEYS TO SPOTTING THE POSSESSIVE OR JEALOUS PERSON
If their opinions of how you look are always condescending or in doubt.
Putting you down constantly.
Over excessive calls and/or always asking your whereabouts and the next move you make.
Always injecting self to take you everywhere you have to go.
Lack of esteem or outlook. Always in a bind (often fake) to make you run to his aide.
Angered about minor things way too often.
Doesn't communicate well but chooses to debate or argue instead.
Please be careful and never assume another person's position. Don't assume one day he/she will change, you must demand it and you must make sure you see it, if not you must evacuate the relationship. Good luck. Thank you for reading.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I'm in an online situation with this guy and he wants me to travel quite some miles to meet him but I'm not comfortable. I really like him and we chat for hours daily, but for some reason this isn't feeling good. WHat do I do? Ms.Travelocity
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Ms. Travelocity,
Your instinct may be picking up something you are ignoring and you should trust your instinct. Have him some to you. I have included with this post a list of must follows for Online Dating that in my opinion not only keeps you safe but also cuts out the unqualified. Good luck and please read further, you will see what I mean. Keep me posted.
DEAR MR. LOVER MAN,
Is it bad that I'm looking for love online? My friends seem to think so. What do you think? Thank you from "Seeking Truth"
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Seeking Truth",
The fact of the matter is that 20% of successful relationships started online. There is a hughe phenomenom with online dating but many things to consider when dealing with this. Not everyone is a pervert but on the flip side not every charming quote is backed by a respectable man. I included some good rules to follow to get you rolling and into a better online situation. Good Luck and please keep me posted.
Mr. Lover Man’s Online Dating Rules for Women to Follow
Post a clear photo without criticizing yourself, men are tired of the need for validation from every guy online. Just post it and say nothing, let them do all the talking. Real men see through the desperate attempt to have tons of men make you feel good.
NEVER reply to opening lines that are clearly hitting on you, these are cheesy, lame attempts often copied and pasted to a series of women. Have some class if you are looking for something other than online chat.
Immediately block someone over sexual, over annoying or over intrusive. Not doing so gives a message to others that it is ok to do so. Set limits, even in the online world, it’s never “Just Twitter, FaceBook, E-Harmony” etc. There are physical people pushing those buttons, take it as such.
Do not offer your real name or real email that you do business or have family involving with. Have an alternative that means nothing but access to social sites.
Do not appear desperate and do not offer self after seeing a picture, chances are you are not the only one and will be treated accordingly.
Do not reply to emails in 5 minutes. Give it some time to reply, take a day or so and think clearly what you want to convey as your message of you. You have time; it isn’t like you are face to face.
Online dating can be as dangerous as picking up a stranger in the club. You do NOT know what you are really getting so act safe in every step. If you do meet someone, please make sure someone(s) knows your plan and if they alter, Call or text someone to let them know.
Never spend hours straight on your social site; it gives a message that you have nothing else going on in your life. Visit often but in shorter spurts, give a little and watch you receive a lot. Women who chase men online appear desperate and only offering sex, do not fall into this stereotype unless it is true; in that case, good luck. If this is not the case, let yourself be chased a little more. Now clearly this is not saying do not go after what you want, just don’t throw your all without even knowing anything other than a picture and a quote. Take time to learn, take time slowly to open up other avenues of communication.
Another lame and I mean super lame thing to do is to talk about how good your sexual performance is publicly or in your profile. No one will ever say “wow I can take her serious”, but will say “I wouldn’t mind trying that for a moment”. Or even just think you are an attention seeking idiot. Avoid that mess at all costs.
Do not settle for the type of men you don’t like because you are just bored and chatting online. Stay true to yourself always; this is you giving you despite it being behind a computer.
If he does not respond to your email after 3 or 4 days, he clearly isn’t as interested in you as you are in him. That’s a sign to evacuate.
Importantly, if you are being humorous, clearly let that be known as in text form, words can be misconstrued.
Do NOT and I repeat, do NOT lie about your size or job function. These are two turnoffs knowing they will find out. Camera angles used to hide your size or other things are tricks to lure people in that you do not think would if you didn’t. That shows your weaker side. Be true always, it doesn’t matter whether online or not, be true always. They will always find out one way or another anyway.
Chatting with a lot of men at once can turn off your Mr. Right. It’s ok to have conversation but once pet names and offers with dozens of men occur, a real man won’t stick around but knows he has someone out there willing to give him more attention.
NEVER risk your safety for the sake of a date. Let it always and I mean always be on your terms and your safe grounds. Do NOT travel miles to a place you never been with a man you never met. Let him come to you, in a hotel, meeting at a public place on your terms ALWAYS.
Please check out dome other interesting blogs I thought would peak your interest.
http://www.onlinedegree.net/10-true-online-dating-horror-stories/
http://www.topdatingsites.com/blog/2011/10-ways-to-prepare-for-chat-roulette/
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I was on a first date with this guy and I felt bad when he slightly checked out other woman. Do I have that right? I mean it’s only the first date.
Thank you from “Eyes Focused”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Eyes Focused”,
You darn right you have the right to feel what you did. People do not realize that you took time out your life schedule to take some time to get to know this guy and if he cannot show the common courtesy but to give you the equal attention then he shown where his interest lies. You need to think real clear if this is the type of individual you may want to pursue more time with. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
When is it right to have sex on a first date? I went on a date with this hot girl and all I could think about was getting between her legs. I can’t even say I can recall most what she said. Had I went for it, would it have been ok? I feel like I missed an opportunity here. Thanks man. Anonymous Male.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous Male”,
You are the poster boy for who a girl should NOT bring home to their mother and the reason many of us men are in the stereotype we are in. Thanks for absolutely nothing. With that being said, I would like to mention that in your immature sexual focus, you could have missed out on key cues and words that could have told you a lot more about this woman in your presence. Not only did you give her the perverse dog side of you but you never let the best you shine. You have most likely limited the chances of probably being with an amazing woman. Your inability to focus for a short period of time on a woman who is giving you the opportunity to learn her and to learn you shows your immaturity levels are in its prime. The focus isn’t always your penis, you need to utilize the other head and offer more of yourself and appreciate the other things women offer. Good luck with growing up and please keep me posted.
HERE ARE SOME IMPORTANT THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN GOING ON A DATE
Mr. Lover Man’s Dating Do's
1. Be on time, first impressions are important on both ends. There will times a nice waist and cute face just won’t get you anywhere and testing a man’s patience on the first date is definitely one of them. It shows responsibility and interest into having this first date.
2. Make your appearance one that stands out. This doesn’t mean dress like Cinderella for the ball, but something that shows you took some time and consideration into this moment and take note if he has done the same.
3. Ask questions and pay attention to answers, show that you are paying attention by periodically commenting or later on bringing up a response about his favorite movie or book. It pays off big time.
4. Give information but not too much. This is the first date and you cannot scare him off with stories about the men you slept with or the ex’s who have shattered you or whatever the case. Be interesting and be honest, but, do not and I repeat do not overdue it. That has been known to be a killer in the dating scene.
5. It is nice to compliment your date’s looks, especially if they took time and effort into getting themselves together for this date. It is really a rewarding feeling when acknowledged for the time and energy put into assembling the outfit. (It scores points)
6. Have a positive attitude and only be in environments of comfort. This is the first date and you need to make sure you can enter your zone at any time comfortably and exit respectfully if need be.
7. Importantly, date people who you like more than your friends like. Do not always date your friend’s type, it will breed resentment and ultimately this failed date may be associated with that friend. Date who you like to date because it is you on the date, not your friends.
8. Think ahead about a plan b for the date. The male may or may not have a plan for the date but things can always go wrong against anyone’s will and that’s ok. It happens, but, have a plan b and if appropriate, it’s ok to make suggestions. Or even work together on the suggestion (even though it was your plan all along).
9. Be very honest if the date is not going to lead to another one. The duck and avoid is not only childish but breeds bad karma. You really want to be mature and get into the habit of a more responsible person. Now that is something that men find attractive. Be honest, respectful and be sincere, but do not be mean about it.
10. Think clearly about dating before you do so. Try to be open-minded because often we think we know what Mr. Right is and we don’t. Try to enjoy moments when dating occurs and weigh things out after. You have the right to be happy.
Mr. Lover Man’s Dating Don'ts
1. Being late is a huge negative. I don’t think I can emphasize this enough. In the event of a real situation out of your control then be responsible enough to call and apologize while explaining ahead of time. Being late is just plain rude.
2. Do NOT check out other people on the date. Those that ever told you stupid silly idiotic things like “it’s ok because he isn’t your man anyway” should high five their own faces. First thing, that is just a huge turn-off, it shows no sense of self style and you have removed all notion of any seriousness about yourself that you may have expressed. You should be respectful enough to give enough attention to the person who has volunteered to give their time and attention to you. Trying to be slick can end a date real quick. It is really a date killer. Be courteous.
3. Do not continuously date the same type of people who continuously hurt you or play you for a fool. If you want a bad boy, then remind yourself that you will get bad boy things done to you. (Not generalizing, just making a great example). You have to pull away from the things that lure you into weak traps to receive the same nonsense you always do. Be willing to really invest in finding someone who is compatible when you least expect it.
4. Do not overanalyze! This is a killer on first dates and when one forgets that it is just one date and often they don’t enjoy themselves. Please remember it’s just the first one and you are to have a good time. I know you may be looking for Mr. Right but that process takes time, for now take advantage of a potentially great moment and enjoy it. Laugh, smile, enjoy and learn.
5. Do not lie to your date about events or people in your life. These things ultimately come to surface and then sprinkle doubt on everything you say/have said. How sad it would be to ruin what could be an amazing relationship because of some lie used to try to sound cooler than you think you are when you are more than enough.
6. Do not assume good looks with safety. Do not be lured into any environment or situation you are not comfortable with. Allow yourself to text or call updates periodically with friends while on your bathroom breaks (two breaks are fine). Make sure your phone is charged before the date and carry an extra charger in your bag/purse. You just never know who this is you are on the date with, no matter how attractive he is.
7. If you want to sleep with him, DON’T. That is not negotiable. Unless you are looking for just sex or a one night stand, sleeping on the first date will not give off a message of anything other than that’s what you do and immediately puts him in the position to treat you as such. You can’t have a dating plan that ends with sex on the first date when he doesn’t even know you, so obviously he doesn’t really like you other than what you look like.
8. Do not get drunk. For many obvious reasons but most of all because you need to carry yourself respectfully when getting to know someone as they are getting to know you.
9. Do not give too much personal information on the first date; whatever information was exchanged to set the date up is good enough until you get to know this person better. Do not rush into knowing this person, as rushing can lead to overlooking and that leads to heartache and disappointment.
10. Absolutely, positively NEVER date a married person. That is just absolutely ridiculous and according to statistics you are only going to find a whole bunch of heartache, headache and problems you do not need. If someone is married but separated, you need to know where this separation is leading to. If it’s in doubt then you do not go further. You need someone who can focus on you and not on maybe you and maybe the wife. That’s absurd and shows low esteem, one which the married person will pick up on and utilize against you.
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How far would you go to avenge your broken heart? How far are you willing to take a situation when the one you claim to love has broken your heart? When is it enough?
Unfortunately in many situations, the end is inevitable and too often there are those that cannot accept the concept of an end to a relationship. In such cases some have keyed cars, have approached new relationships with bitterness and even approached their ex’s new love with rumors and lies to keep him/her as unhappy as the self. What about the unheard victim such as children or family? When is it enough?
One particular story I am aware of finds a man whom is tired of his relationship and wants an end to it. The mother of his 6 year old son has broken the final straw by cheating on him and he is done with her.
This didn’t sit well with her and the thought of her being without him sent her to a state of mind that even her child’s father never thought possible. She has taken the child and disappeared. The father tries to contact her, but, to no avail as she ignores it knowing the hurt he would feel and that it should match what she felt with him leaving her. She ignored the fact that her son has begun to be affected by this psychologically.
After a period of days of no contact and filing a missing persons report only to be told that it is not kidnapping because she is the mother, the father felt exhausted and alone. He turned to the family court system for assistance. In doing so further infuriating his son’s mother, she decided to “up the ante” and called the police on him with a report of abuse and fabrications of past abuse that he allegedly committed onto her person.
She was thinking “This is what he gets for going to court”, unfortunately the man is arrested, held on bail until bailed out and had to fight this court case for about two years before being proven innocent of such horrendous false charges. Now one may think that it is justice that he was proven not guilty but so much has happened in the two yrs and thousands of dollars invested in proving his innocence. The mother did not serve him with a court summons and claimed she did and in doing this, the father never showed to court, granting her an order of protection for her and their son for two years by default because he never showed up.
As she was feeling a victory on her side, she neglected the psychological trauma and hurt being inflicted upon her child. Instead she comforted herself with other men.
She found herself pregnant and unsure of the father so she pinned it on someone she liked most. This man has two kids of his own and she does her best to make the kids like her, neglecting her own in the process. This continues to affect the psyche of the child she carried for 9 months, all in the wrath of avenging a broken heart.
The courts deny him custody, as his criminal case (although proven not guilty) biased the family court judge and only allows him after a year and a half of no contact to see his child every other weekend.
There is considerable damage here to this relationship of father & son but unbeknownst to the mother, her relationship with her son has begun been damaged as well. In her conquest to “show him” a thing or two for leaving her, she forgot to be a mother.
Time passes and the father and son have bonded as strong as before and sadly the son begins to express all the hurt he endures in his setting with two step siblings who constantly pick on him and a half sibling who has taken all the attention. He is not allowed to play sports because no one has time to take him or pick him up from extracurricular activities, he has become sheltered within and is now being bullied in school and only feels safe every two weekends.
The school refuses to intervene as the father pleas to investigate the bullying as they are also biased by the fathers previous order of protection to stay away from his child and mother of his child. Once again the son suffers. So I ask again, when is it enough? And wouldn’t moving on have been not just the smartest choice but the one that displayed the most strength? Taking the evil vengeful way has consequences but unfortunately isn’t thought clearly when one is in heartbreak mode.
What would you have done and when is this type of behavior enough?
I dare and challenge you to comment.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My life is in circles and I don’t know where to turn to. I find myself attracted to the wrong people over and over again. I keep dealing with the tough street person knowing they are no good and they end up cheating on me or talking to me any way they feel they can. I love the aggression at times but not directed to me in a negative way. My friends tell me I am better than them but they physically turn me on. I would like a man who is successful but they don’t seem as tough as these street guys and I need my man to be tough. What should I do because constantly ending up hurt and alone isn’t what I want? Thank you. Circles.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Circles”,
The need for a man to be “tough” gives off the a message that you need a protector of some sorts or maybe someone who can deal with you because you may be difficult at times, however, whatever the case, I see that you have limited yourself when looking for any man to fill those shoes. You said successful men do not seem to be tough and I counter with, you obviously do not know many successful men. It takes a level of toughness that many do not have to be successful. Maybe you are attracted to the street person because you feel inferior to the success type. The root of the problem is you for sure and you can’t complain about something you knew would happen, that’s gets old and tiring fast. Often we avoid what we aren’t used to or won’t venture past our comfort zone because the fear of rejection is more possible. When this occurs, failure is almost a guarantee. You have to want more for yourself, enough that you past your comfort zone and venture into new worlds of possibilities. Don’t take this as a date-a-man-athon because that’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying that you need to dig within and place yourself in better situations so it can open you to a better opportunity with better men. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I think my husband tries to play me for an idiot. Every time we argue he tries to confuse me by bringing things up that are so off course and I just don’t know what to say so I walk away. It upsets me because I feel like he enjoys these arguments or enjoys trying to win them. Whatever it is it confuses me. What should I do? “Married & Confused”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Married & Confused”,
In a manipulative relationship there is a need of imbalance of power and that usually favors the manipulator. In this case these arguments that often confuse you can be a key to keep power in his grasps. However, you walking away gives you a false sense of control of your action because it was you that stormed off but in reality, he forced that and knew it would happen as it is a repetitive action. The manipulator (your husband) may have you think you have control but it is he who controls that situation. You need to express these concerns to him and before you see the argument arising, immediately inject yourself firmly and eliminate the power by letting him know you know what’s going on and rather talk like mature adults. Showing awareness of this manipulation will often break you free from his manipulating, deceptive ways. This just may be what he is accustomed to as a person, if this continues then this will need to further be addressed with professional help as this can destroy your relationship. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Hi Mr. Lover Man, I need your help please... I met this guy because of we were introduced by our mutual friend. He just vacationed in Indonesia for a few weeks (He’s a Dutch guy). We had a blind date and he said that he likes me and he told me everything about him. That he's a divorced man because of his wife was cheating on him. And the next day we have spent day together...we holding hands, kissing and slept together (but we didn’t having sex). He just too sweet with me. And then a couple days later he went out to Bali for next vacation, he's there for 3 weeks. But we keep contacted each other. But when he's in vacation he said that he's not ready for any relationship because he can't trusted any women due to his last relationship, but he said he like me and he needs time.
And after he's back we just met once. We had dinner and long conversation about some stuff. We're not talking about this relationship because I’m afraid of it and it's too earlier. He still had 4 days before he flies away to Holland but in the end of that day he said that he doesn’t want to see me again. Cause he doesn’t want to make everything difficult for us. He left me but still contacting me until now.
I can see that he had a very, very bad trauma about his wife cheating, and he doesn’t want had any relationship ever. But, unfortunately, I’m in love with him....I know it's weird but I do. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. But I don't know what I should do to make him trust me and at least open his heart for me. He's afraid if he falling in love again he could be hurt again. What should I do now? I just don't know what to do... Thank you Mr. Lover Man. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
There a couple things here that stand out and I think you are misleading yourself to avoid. One is that the constant message is that he does not wish to venture into a relationship and that he is not ready. The problem here is you give off the impression as if you think you can make him ready and that is something he has to heal from, not something like a gift that you can offer. He is clear with his message and you should not mislead yourself. If you enjoy his company and wish to continue to have it, you have to be honest with yourself as to what the situation is and embrace that without giving yourself away to something that has the chance of not growing. As far as you making him trust you, there isn’t much you can do than to just be yourself if you are truly a trusting person. There is no tactics and methods, or even an act in order to show that you are a trusting person if that is who you truly are. Just simply be you. At this point, it is ok to express self but not overstepping his position. If things start to get intimate, you have to ask where you guys stand because I know you need to protect your heart as well. None should mislead self or the other. Make communication the reason you guys either healthily move forward or safely move apart. Good luck and please keep in touch.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
3yrs ago today, I told my longtime off and on again Boyfriend that it was over and I haven't been the same since. I consistently keep choosing the wrong man. There are good men for others, but not good for me or even to me. Matter of fact, they have all chosen to give their attention to others while they were with me! Getting to know other women and putting me on the sideline. When I have addressed it with all of them, they tried to make it seem like I was crazy. But yet they are now seeing these women therefore just proving me right.
I know I'm the constant in this situation, but I truly don't know how to address it. I'm tired of talking to my single friends because they are in similar boats (unhealthy relationships). I have also tried talking to my step and god brothers and male friends but that goes nowhere fast since they all tell me the same thing "they are jerks and not worthy of you". But it happens again and again. I've changed where I'm meeting folks, opted for different types and all walks of life. But again, I am the constant! So I have recently deduced that I am not "relationship healthy" and this is now sending all my loved ones into a frenzy. You see, I'm in my 30's, engaged twice but never married and I have no children, alive that is. Which is the other issue. My mom has recently started on the "I want to be a grandmother" kick and it just makes me constantly think of my would have been 19yo daughter (No names). It started when my cousin’s daughter (born after mine) who was also named (no names) found out she was pregnant with her second child. But I digress.
My loved ones are screaming at me telling me that I'm crazy for thinking that it's my fault that these guys are all doing the same thing. But umm hello!!!! I am the Constant!!! Everyone feels that I am giving up. But I feel like I'm choosing to focus on my life, my joy and my happiness. But it's very hard especially when dealing with the fact that I am an only child and I know it hurts my parents that I haven't settled down or had a baby yet. The holidays made it worse with all the family photos reminding me that my lil one isn't here. I've joked and said that I was going to a sperm bank and my mother is now pushing that. But who wants to do it alone? I'm not financially ready to do it alone number one. And do I want to pass on this unhealthy relationship thing that I seem to have? Kids pick up on these things and I would try my best to show them how to be a lady and how to love a lady. But I can't teach them how to be a man or how to love a man. I have a lot of love inside me just dying to come out. I spend most of my time counseling others on their marriages and rekindling the fire. But yet, I'm so lost and I just don't know what to do about my situation. Any suggestions?
Lost
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost”,
Understanding you’re the constant is one thing and avoiding addressing the problem is another. You said that every man has given their attention to another, but before this even occurs, something is going on that isn’t mentioned here and that’s what needs to be addressed. The men get with you because obviously there is attraction there but something diverts their attention away and I am NOT saying its right but I’m saying that’s what needs to be addressed. We all have or had something that pushed/pushes others away and unless we address it, it will continue to do so. An easy cop out is “oh then they weren’t meant to be” but in reality we do lose good people by not addressing that. As for your family, I know all too well about the parents that want to be grandparents but this is about you right now. You do not reproduce life because of the need of another. You must know when you are ready and then make sure this is a decision that you will permanently be happy with. There is no return receipt on children. Do not feel lost in these life choices, start with the inner self and take time healing. There may be a need for professional help which I often recommend because the results are favorable. You have the right to be happy in every avenue of life; the best way to achieve that is happiness from within first. Best wishes and please stay in touch.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am at my wits end. Here’s my story in a nutshell, my wife of 8 years (in a relationship 12) and I have 2 beautiful kids which are 5 and 4 years of age. She has been denying cheating on me for months but I noticed the changes, I noticed the hours changed, down to the damn way she looks at me. I decided to pay someone to follow her, take pics and report back to me, (like the show cheaters) and would you believe that I discovered she is cheating with a friend of mine. Now I’m coming to you because I don’t feel comfortable going to my boys about this, my family thinks my wife is a freaking angel and I’m ready to kill someone. What the heck do I do here because I’m ready to hurt my friend for this? Thanks. Angry Man.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Angry Man”,
I need you to erase the thought of doing something violent. No matter the situation, you must understand that knowing the root of the problem is key in reduction of doing something highly regretful. You have kids to think about and freedom to focus on. This is a price to pay to find out two things, one is that your wife and friend aren’t worthy of you in their lives intimately and two that you can be the better man by gracefully bowing out. I need you to trust me on this and not think of this as a less than approach but as a less is more approach. You have the right to confront and express but do not release aggression. You can be honest, firm and emotional but do not under any circumstances be the aggressor in an ugly situation. Let them know how much they hurt you; let them know that you no longer wish them in your life (other than your wife as your children’s mother). However, this is only assuming that you are ending the marriage. If you are not ending it then you need to come to an agreement after and during some professional intervention. Her willingness to participate will determine her willingness to want to work it out. Whichever it is you choose, you have to express your hurt and be given time to heal. You should look into professional help and put you and your kids first. You also have to go to your family, no matter what they think of her, you need support right now. You need to have an outlet and you need to not be alone. Continue to be a good dad and do not let this cause you to do something to remove you from your children. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Are all men destined to cheat? It’s almost like you can’t find a man who knows what he has long enough to appreciate just one before he finds his wandering eyes elsewhere, then his hands and member somewhere new. I’m with this guy who I thought was a good catch, good looking, and great in bed & have a job, but underneath that, he is a cheating asshole who only thinks about himself. How can I find someone not just into himself? Thank you. Sincerely, “Woman That’s Fed Up”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Woman That’s Fed Up”,
First thing, all men are not destined to cheat, however, all the men you presently attract probably are. You ask how you can find someone who isn’t into himself; well the key is to look beyond your eyes. You names three things that made this guy a good man and in reality, none of those say anything about who he is. He has a job, ok, well so do assholes. He is good in bed, ok, well so can anyone if they work it enough. You said he is good looking, and although that may be true, none of these make him a good man outside of bed and to look at. Before you become the bed buddy, learn your partner. Let communication explore who he really is and give an indication of what you really want. Sex before information usually goes wrong and it seems like maybe that’s where you are. Do things that are enjoyable and place him in different environments to see who he is. Take your time; happiness is a great thing to invest in. Take it as it is and do NOT, I repeat do NOT mislead yourself ever. If the signs are there, take it for what it’s worth and not what you wish they would be. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My situation is probably different than others. I have been married to my husband for about 6 years but after the first two years I suspected he cheated on me and I left him for about a year. In that year I ended up having a baby from another man. This man denied getting me pregnant and wanted nothing to do with me. My husband and I tried working it out and I realized that although I suspected he cheated, I never knew if he did or not and had absolutely no proof if he ever did. So we decided to work it out and he said he would raise the baby with me as if it were his own. I want to say that my husband is such a good man and he really stepped into the role as a real man does. If you though all that was complex, here goes the whammy; through Facebook, my baby’s real dad contacted me and said he is sorry and wants to be in the baby’s life but wants to get things right with me first. I will say that I am in love with my husband and despite what this next man has done, I can’t detach from him. He hasn’t pushed to see the baby but wants to see me. I haven’t seen him but one day left the computer on by mistake and my husband saw these messages back and forth and is filing for divorce. I don’t know what to do at all. Please save my marriage. Thank you, if you can do this I’ll be in debt always. “Lost Without Him”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost Without Him”,
Your husband is indeed a good man, the problem here is that (amongst many things) that I’m not sure he was able to fully heal from the fact that his wife got pregnant from another man. So the contact with this man outside of him seeing his child (which he doesn’t seem to care about) is painful in itself but added to the past pain has pushed him out the door. You needed to be more responsible and mature and you weren’t. The thing is I’m not sure you will just yet because you said you can’t seem to detach from him. Have a backbone here, the guy abandoned you and your child, the guy is only out to have easy sex. First, you need to eliminate all contact with the other guy that is not related to his child. Being that he doesn’t seem to care enough to want contact with the child and then there is absolutely no reason to even contact him. He only wants to contact you because you are the girl he sexed quickly. Sleazy guys always contact women they feel they can sex periodically just for that. If and only if you are able to permanently eliminate all contact from this guy outside of parental duties, then you need to come clean to your husband and explain the messages in a clear manner that doesn’t cover up anything. Let him know your intentions and where you stand. The fact that you haven’t seen the guy is a plus but how long would that have lasted? You need to block the other guy permanently after you only offer him to chance to see his child in the presence of you and your husband (only after speaking to your husband about this). I recommend professional intervention here and you should be the one to introduce it. This will show the seriousness in your trying to fix this. It isn’t hopeless but you need a lot of work here. Let honestly and communication lead this. Now that you know better, do better. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a jam that is not easy to figure out. My boyfriend is in prison, he went to prison for assault for defending me when some man was too touchy with me. I have been visiting him when I can, but he was sentenced to two years and my friends often remind me that I have needs and need to have an affair. I went out with the girls and met this guy in the local club, he is really fine and gave me a lot of attention and yes I slept with him just one time. The thing is that I found out three things, one is that I’m pregnant; the second is that he gave me herpes and the third is he knows my man. I’m fu*king screwed. My boyfriend comes home in two months and I’m two months pregnant and haven’t told him anything. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. I know he gave up a lot to defend me and I just hate what I did. Can this be saved? Please say yes. Thank you, Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
This is a lot to digest for you I’m sure, although there is a lot of activity in your moment of cheating, you have to direct your attention on what is happening within you. You have a new life to feed and someone who demands more than a moment. Make sure you have your head straight for that. Then you have a health issue now and that needs your strict attention and you need to wear more responsibility for yourself. I know you want to be with your boyfriend upon his arrival but you need to come clean. Be realistic and ask yourself to reverse the role and without thinking selfishly for once, would you take him back if it was reversed? As you weigh that out, you need to be ready to be totally honest with him about this experience and your stupid friend’s suggestion to cheat on your man. Friends normally want what’s best for their friends, not just to have a partner to go out and sleep with men in clubs. That’s just plain stupid. Nonetheless, it is done and you have to focus on the now, come clean to him and express your heart. I have no idea what he will say but I’m sure he has been waiting about two years to hold you freely and it’s kind of sad that you may have removed that dream from him. The only way to make this work is to come clean and let your heart speak, let your soul guide you into his and allow him to express himself honestly. You made the decision for you; he needs to make it for him. Good luck and keep me posted.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Why do men always act like they don’t need help or like they are the sh#t, even when they are down and out. What’s with this whole front like they can’t accept whatever their situation is? How can I get with a man when every time I do, the dude is talking about what he did or going to do? I dated this one guy that kept reliving his high school football days. Like I really want to hear about that. Is there are men out there that doesn’t hide behind their pride or lies? Thank you in advance. Confused Jane Doe
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused Jane Doe”,
I want to start out by saying all men are NOT this way. This may be the type of men you have dealt with and for some reason you attract but this is not the story of all men. Those men or rather, those males you deal with are in the more immature category and you have to ask yourself why they gravitate towards you in particular, while doing so, understand that there are some idiots out there that still believe in this gender separation and go for the Neanderthal way of thinking when it comes to male and female gender roles. One thing about men is that when a man mentions his triumphs, whether past or present, it’s for a reason. The same way it is said that women are more sensitive, at times a man likes his partner to pay attention to what he is saying and would like validation in that. If the roles were reversed and you were telling him something about someone close to you and he shut you down, you wouldn’t be the happiest. Maybe the pride is up because you kick the ego in the sack. This isn’t only about you when you are in a relationship and although I believe pride and ego should be left somewhere, they do exist. Maybe his way of opening communication is thru his most comforting accomplishments. What’s wrong with asking more about them and engaging in his interests for a moment? I’m pretty sure you aren’t always the most entertaining conversationalist or they wouldn’t be bringing these things up. Be fair and do not let the blame fall short of your lap. You play a role.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I feel like I have two boyfriends, one when his boys are there and one when his boys are not there. It’s like they carry his pride and ego with them and he tries to show out when they are around. I am fed up and annoyed and about to leave this situation. What do you think I should because this man has me at the point where I’m about to flip. Thanks. Suzie.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Suzie”,
First thing here is that your boyfriend carries the “boy” part of the title very well. That is something that should have died out after puberty, high school the most. With that being said, the problem exists and running away isn’t the answer if there is true emotion invested in this situation. What has to happen is that there has to be a coming of the minds (If possible with the man child). You have to sit him down and express your honest feelings and what this situation is doing to the relationship. Don’t ask him to be the floating poet around his boys because his relationship with them has probably been that way for years but you can firmly let it be known that you do not wish to accept less from him because they are in the area. He should be able to be his other side with his boys but can find a way to morph the two parts of him where it is healthy in all areas. It isn’t hard to do. He has to feel safe doing so and I’m sure you can assist in that department. Remind him how it hurts and how it frustrates you but you want him to be him all the time. You aren’t trying to change him but you just want a little consistency. In a very civil manner, I can see ground being made. Please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi There, I hope you're well; I acquired your email address at your site, and wondered if you may be able to help me. I'm a 43 year old woman; for the past 2 years I have been seeing a lovely gentleman. Sadly this gentleman is a paraplegic (we met after his injury). He has issues, and hang-ups about himself, which I feel are natural; however I love him, and have told him this. He seems to play what I call mind games, and feels the need to constantly test me. For example, he might send me a text message saying he "would like to leave things be", I go along with his request, and give him reassurance indirectly. Last week I called to wish him a happy new year. He pretended not to know who was calling (even though my no would have displayed on his phone), and he had often played this game I feel to hide his true feelings from me. I said hello and he said Hi, and hung up, I rang him back, and he answered me and then hung up again. I have tried to call him since, however it's as though he's ignoring my calls. I have not tried to contact him constantly, as feel that he has enough to deal with, as he does suffer mood swings and so forth. Please would you advise me on this, as I really do love him, and do not know where to turn to.
Thank you very much for your time, warmest wishes, Roxanne.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Roxanne”,
Sadly he is battling so many things within and I fear that he doesn’t realize the prize that stands before him. It isn’t easy to deal with the issues of esteem or the feeling of pride as if he has to make the call because of fear that you would not be permanent. In that situation, one is always questioning those around them and wondering where people truly lie and there are issues of feeling like a burden to add to that. He probably doesn’t see the full extent of his injected distance and that this time in his life he has a woman who loves him for him. I don’t know what his yesterday was like to make him inject this distance but I can only imagine. I do know that studies support that men have a harder recovery time with rejection and maybe this is his way of protecting self from being rejected again in his life. I think at this point you are going to have to lay all the cards on the table and impose your will one time. Sit beside him and tell him point blank in a caring, honest manner what it is you want in this situation and how much his distance hurts. You can not fall into the game he is playing. These games are usually played because he hasn’t the control in other areas of life and this is where he feels he has. You have to counter that with love, show him that you are real and not some fly by night moment. I tip my hat tip you and honor you and I’m sure when you put it all on the line, so will he. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Do men still deliberately ignore women if he really likes her as a ploy to try and get her to notice him? Because I swear this guy is doing that at work. Thanks. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Playing hard to get is so high school or junior high school. However, from you taking notice, I see it still works. Maybe he really has no interest and you have misled yourself because of your desire for him to want you or your expectation of him to be attracted to you, nonetheless, it does still exists and although it does I do not ever believe in childish antics to express self but to always communicate like adults effectively.
TIPS: Men aren’t the only ones with pride. Thinking it as a gender and stereotypically placing labels on it is the same as men assuming you shouldn’t work and just cook & clean. That’s very prehistoric and idiotic. When your partner is proud about a plan or a past accomplishment, remember that it’s not your moment so don’t be all petty and try to shut them down. Instead, compliment and support that. And try to remember that sometimes pride is mistaken for good old honest confidence. Good luck all.
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