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How far would you go to avenge your broken heart? How far are you willing to take a situation when the one you claim to love has broken your heart? When is it enough?
Unfortunately in many situations, the end is inevitable and too often there are those that cannot accept the concept of an end to a relationship. In such cases some have keyed cars, have approached new relationships with bitterness and even approached their ex’s new love with rumors and lies to keep him/her as unhappy as the self. What about the unheard victim such as children or family? When is it enough?
One particular story I am aware of finds a man whom is tired of his relationship and wants an end to it. The mother of his 6 year old son has broken the final straw by cheating on him and he is done with her.
This didn’t sit well with her and the thought of her being without him sent her to a state of mind that even her child’s father never thought possible. She has taken the child and disappeared. The father tries to contact her, but, to no avail as she ignores it knowing the hurt he would feel and that it should match what she felt with him leaving her. She ignored the fact that her son has begun to be affected by this psychologically.
After a period of days of no contact and filing a missing persons report only to be told that it is not kidnapping because she is the mother, the father felt exhausted and alone. He turned to the family court system for assistance. In doing so further infuriating his son’s mother, she decided to “up the ante” and called the police on him with a report of abuse and fabrications of past abuse that he allegedly committed onto her person.
She was thinking “This is what he gets for going to court”, unfortunately the man is arrested, held on bail until bailed out and had to fight this court case for about two years before being proven innocent of such horrendous false charges. Now one may think that it is justice that he was proven not guilty but so much has happened in the two yrs and thousands of dollars invested in proving his innocence. The mother did not serve him with a court summons and claimed she did and in doing this, the father never showed to court, granting her an order of protection for her and their son for two years by default because he never showed up.
As she was feeling a victory on her side, she neglected the psychological trauma and hurt being inflicted upon her child. Instead she comforted herself with other men.
She found herself pregnant and unsure of the father so she pinned it on someone she liked most. This man has two kids of his own and she does her best to make the kids like her, neglecting her own in the process. This continues to affect the psyche of the child she carried for 9 months, all in the wrath of avenging a broken heart.
The courts deny him custody, as his criminal case (although proven not guilty) biased the family court judge and only allows him after a year and a half of no contact to see his child every other weekend.
There is considerable damage here to this relationship of father & son but unbeknownst to the mother, her relationship with her son has begun been damaged as well. In her conquest to “show him” a thing or two for leaving her, she forgot to be a mother.
Time passes and the father and son have bonded as strong as before and sadly the son begins to express all the hurt he endures in his setting with two step siblings who constantly pick on him and a half sibling who has taken all the attention. He is not allowed to play sports because no one has time to take him or pick him up from extracurricular activities, he has become sheltered within and is now being bullied in school and only feels safe every two weekends.
The school refuses to intervene as the father pleas to investigate the bullying as they are also biased by the fathers previous order of protection to stay away from his child and mother of his child. Once again the son suffers. So I ask again, when is it enough? And wouldn’t moving on have been not just the smartest choice but the one that displayed the most strength? Taking the evil vengeful way has consequences but unfortunately isn’t thought clearly when one is in heartbreak mode.
What would you have done and when is this type of behavior enough?
I dare and challenge you to comment.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My life is in circles and I don’t know where to turn to. I find myself attracted to the wrong people over and over again. I keep dealing with the tough street person knowing they are no good and they end up cheating on me or talking to me any way they feel they can. I love the aggression at times but not directed to me in a negative way. My friends tell me I am better than them but they physically turn me on. I would like a man who is successful but they don’t seem as tough as these street guys and I need my man to be tough. What should I do because constantly ending up hurt and alone isn’t what I want? Thank you. Circles.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Circles”,
The need for a man to be “tough” gives off the a message that you need a protector of some sorts or maybe someone who can deal with you because you may be difficult at times, however, whatever the case, I see that you have limited yourself when looking for any man to fill those shoes. You said successful men do not seem to be tough and I counter with, you obviously do not know many successful men. It takes a level of toughness that many do not have to be successful. Maybe you are attracted to the street person because you feel inferior to the success type. The root of the problem is you for sure and you can’t complain about something you knew would happen, that’s gets old and tiring fast. Often we avoid what we aren’t used to or won’t venture past our comfort zone because the fear of rejection is more possible. When this occurs, failure is almost a guarantee. You have to want more for yourself, enough that you past your comfort zone and venture into new worlds of possibilities. Don’t take this as a date-a-man-athon because that’s not what I’m saying, I’m saying that you need to dig within and place yourself in better situations so it can open you to a better opportunity with better men. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I think my husband tries to play me for an idiot. Every time we argue he tries to confuse me by bringing things up that are so off course and I just don’t know what to say so I walk away. It upsets me because I feel like he enjoys these arguments or enjoys trying to win them. Whatever it is it confuses me. What should I do? “Married & Confused”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Married & Confused”,
In a manipulative relationship there is a need of imbalance of power and that usually favors the manipulator. In this case these arguments that often confuse you can be a key to keep power in his grasps. However, you walking away gives you a false sense of control of your action because it was you that stormed off but in reality, he forced that and knew it would happen as it is a repetitive action. The manipulator (your husband) may have you think you have control but it is he who controls that situation. You need to express these concerns to him and before you see the argument arising, immediately inject yourself firmly and eliminate the power by letting him know you know what’s going on and rather talk like mature adults. Showing awareness of this manipulation will often break you free from his manipulating, deceptive ways. This just may be what he is accustomed to as a person, if this continues then this will need to further be addressed with professional help as this can destroy your relationship. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Hi Mr. Lover Man, I need your help please... I met this guy because of we were introduced by our mutual friend. He just vacationed in Indonesia for a few weeks (He’s a Dutch guy). We had a blind date and he said that he likes me and he told me everything about him. That he's a divorced man because of his wife was cheating on him. And the next day we have spent day together...we holding hands, kissing and slept together (but we didn’t having sex). He just too sweet with me. And then a couple days later he went out to Bali for next vacation, he's there for 3 weeks. But we keep contacted each other. But when he's in vacation he said that he's not ready for any relationship because he can't trusted any women due to his last relationship, but he said he like me and he needs time.
And after he's back we just met once. We had dinner and long conversation about some stuff. We're not talking about this relationship because I’m afraid of it and it's too earlier. He still had 4 days before he flies away to Holland but in the end of that day he said that he doesn’t want to see me again. Cause he doesn’t want to make everything difficult for us. He left me but still contacting me until now.
I can see that he had a very, very bad trauma about his wife cheating, and he doesn’t want had any relationship ever. But, unfortunately, I’m in love with him....I know it's weird but I do. I just don't want to hurt him anymore. But I don't know what I should do to make him trust me and at least open his heart for me. He's afraid if he falling in love again he could be hurt again. What should I do now? I just don't know what to do... Thank you Mr. Lover Man. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
There a couple things here that stand out and I think you are misleading yourself to avoid. One is that the constant message is that he does not wish to venture into a relationship and that he is not ready. The problem here is you give off the impression as if you think you can make him ready and that is something he has to heal from, not something like a gift that you can offer. He is clear with his message and you should not mislead yourself. If you enjoy his company and wish to continue to have it, you have to be honest with yourself as to what the situation is and embrace that without giving yourself away to something that has the chance of not growing. As far as you making him trust you, there isn’t much you can do than to just be yourself if you are truly a trusting person. There is no tactics and methods, or even an act in order to show that you are a trusting person if that is who you truly are. Just simply be you. At this point, it is ok to express self but not overstepping his position. If things start to get intimate, you have to ask where you guys stand because I know you need to protect your heart as well. None should mislead self or the other. Make communication the reason you guys either healthily move forward or safely move apart. Good luck and please keep in touch.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
3yrs ago today, I told my longtime off and on again Boyfriend that it was over and I haven't been the same since. I consistently keep choosing the wrong man. There are good men for others, but not good for me or even to me. Matter of fact, they have all chosen to give their attention to others while they were with me! Getting to know other women and putting me on the sideline. When I have addressed it with all of them, they tried to make it seem like I was crazy. But yet they are now seeing these women therefore just proving me right.
I know I'm the constant in this situation, but I truly don't know how to address it. I'm tired of talking to my single friends because they are in similar boats (unhealthy relationships). I have also tried talking to my step and god brothers and male friends but that goes nowhere fast since they all tell me the same thing "they are jerks and not worthy of you". But it happens again and again. I've changed where I'm meeting folks, opted for different types and all walks of life. But again, I am the constant! So I have recently deduced that I am not "relationship healthy" and this is now sending all my loved ones into a frenzy. You see, I'm in my 30's, engaged twice but never married and I have no children, alive that is. Which is the other issue. My mom has recently started on the "I want to be a grandmother" kick and it just makes me constantly think of my would have been 19yo daughter (No names). It started when my cousin’s daughter (born after mine) who was also named (no names) found out she was pregnant with her second child. But I digress.
My loved ones are screaming at me telling me that I'm crazy for thinking that it's my fault that these guys are all doing the same thing. But umm hello!!!! I am the Constant!!! Everyone feels that I am giving up. But I feel like I'm choosing to focus on my life, my joy and my happiness. But it's very hard especially when dealing with the fact that I am an only child and I know it hurts my parents that I haven't settled down or had a baby yet. The holidays made it worse with all the family photos reminding me that my lil one isn't here. I've joked and said that I was going to a sperm bank and my mother is now pushing that. But who wants to do it alone? I'm not financially ready to do it alone number one. And do I want to pass on this unhealthy relationship thing that I seem to have? Kids pick up on these things and I would try my best to show them how to be a lady and how to love a lady. But I can't teach them how to be a man or how to love a man. I have a lot of love inside me just dying to come out. I spend most of my time counseling others on their marriages and rekindling the fire. But yet, I'm so lost and I just don't know what to do about my situation. Any suggestions?
Lost
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost”,
Understanding you’re the constant is one thing and avoiding addressing the problem is another. You said that every man has given their attention to another, but before this even occurs, something is going on that isn’t mentioned here and that’s what needs to be addressed. The men get with you because obviously there is attraction there but something diverts their attention away and I am NOT saying its right but I’m saying that’s what needs to be addressed. We all have or had something that pushed/pushes others away and unless we address it, it will continue to do so. An easy cop out is “oh then they weren’t meant to be” but in reality we do lose good people by not addressing that. As for your family, I know all too well about the parents that want to be grandparents but this is about you right now. You do not reproduce life because of the need of another. You must know when you are ready and then make sure this is a decision that you will permanently be happy with. There is no return receipt on children. Do not feel lost in these life choices, start with the inner self and take time healing. There may be a need for professional help which I often recommend because the results are favorable. You have the right to be happy in every avenue of life; the best way to achieve that is happiness from within first. Best wishes and please stay in touch.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am at my wits end. Here’s my story in a nutshell, my wife of 8 years (in a relationship 12) and I have 2 beautiful kids which are 5 and 4 years of age. She has been denying cheating on me for months but I noticed the changes, I noticed the hours changed, down to the damn way she looks at me. I decided to pay someone to follow her, take pics and report back to me, (like the show cheaters) and would you believe that I discovered she is cheating with a friend of mine. Now I’m coming to you because I don’t feel comfortable going to my boys about this, my family thinks my wife is a freaking angel and I’m ready to kill someone. What the heck do I do here because I’m ready to hurt my friend for this? Thanks. Angry Man.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Angry Man”,
I need you to erase the thought of doing something violent. No matter the situation, you must understand that knowing the root of the problem is key in reduction of doing something highly regretful. You have kids to think about and freedom to focus on. This is a price to pay to find out two things, one is that your wife and friend aren’t worthy of you in their lives intimately and two that you can be the better man by gracefully bowing out. I need you to trust me on this and not think of this as a less than approach but as a less is more approach. You have the right to confront and express but do not release aggression. You can be honest, firm and emotional but do not under any circumstances be the aggressor in an ugly situation. Let them know how much they hurt you; let them know that you no longer wish them in your life (other than your wife as your children’s mother). However, this is only assuming that you are ending the marriage. If you are not ending it then you need to come to an agreement after and during some professional intervention. Her willingness to participate will determine her willingness to want to work it out. Whichever it is you choose, you have to express your hurt and be given time to heal. You should look into professional help and put you and your kids first. You also have to go to your family, no matter what they think of her, you need support right now. You need to have an outlet and you need to not be alone. Continue to be a good dad and do not let this cause you to do something to remove you from your children. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Are all men destined to cheat? It’s almost like you can’t find a man who knows what he has long enough to appreciate just one before he finds his wandering eyes elsewhere, then his hands and member somewhere new. I’m with this guy who I thought was a good catch, good looking, and great in bed & have a job, but underneath that, he is a cheating asshole who only thinks about himself. How can I find someone not just into himself? Thank you. Sincerely, “Woman That’s Fed Up”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Woman That’s Fed Up”,
First thing, all men are not destined to cheat, however, all the men you presently attract probably are. You ask how you can find someone who isn’t into himself; well the key is to look beyond your eyes. You names three things that made this guy a good man and in reality, none of those say anything about who he is. He has a job, ok, well so do assholes. He is good in bed, ok, well so can anyone if they work it enough. You said he is good looking, and although that may be true, none of these make him a good man outside of bed and to look at. Before you become the bed buddy, learn your partner. Let communication explore who he really is and give an indication of what you really want. Sex before information usually goes wrong and it seems like maybe that’s where you are. Do things that are enjoyable and place him in different environments to see who he is. Take your time; happiness is a great thing to invest in. Take it as it is and do NOT, I repeat do NOT mislead yourself ever. If the signs are there, take it for what it’s worth and not what you wish they would be. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My situation is probably different than others. I have been married to my husband for about 6 years but after the first two years I suspected he cheated on me and I left him for about a year. In that year I ended up having a baby from another man. This man denied getting me pregnant and wanted nothing to do with me. My husband and I tried working it out and I realized that although I suspected he cheated, I never knew if he did or not and had absolutely no proof if he ever did. So we decided to work it out and he said he would raise the baby with me as if it were his own. I want to say that my husband is such a good man and he really stepped into the role as a real man does. If you though all that was complex, here goes the whammy; through Facebook, my baby’s real dad contacted me and said he is sorry and wants to be in the baby’s life but wants to get things right with me first. I will say that I am in love with my husband and despite what this next man has done, I can’t detach from him. He hasn’t pushed to see the baby but wants to see me. I haven’t seen him but one day left the computer on by mistake and my husband saw these messages back and forth and is filing for divorce. I don’t know what to do at all. Please save my marriage. Thank you, if you can do this I’ll be in debt always. “Lost Without Him”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost Without Him”,
Your husband is indeed a good man, the problem here is that (amongst many things) that I’m not sure he was able to fully heal from the fact that his wife got pregnant from another man. So the contact with this man outside of him seeing his child (which he doesn’t seem to care about) is painful in itself but added to the past pain has pushed him out the door. You needed to be more responsible and mature and you weren’t. The thing is I’m not sure you will just yet because you said you can’t seem to detach from him. Have a backbone here, the guy abandoned you and your child, the guy is only out to have easy sex. First, you need to eliminate all contact with the other guy that is not related to his child. Being that he doesn’t seem to care enough to want contact with the child and then there is absolutely no reason to even contact him. He only wants to contact you because you are the girl he sexed quickly. Sleazy guys always contact women they feel they can sex periodically just for that. If and only if you are able to permanently eliminate all contact from this guy outside of parental duties, then you need to come clean to your husband and explain the messages in a clear manner that doesn’t cover up anything. Let him know your intentions and where you stand. The fact that you haven’t seen the guy is a plus but how long would that have lasted? You need to block the other guy permanently after you only offer him to chance to see his child in the presence of you and your husband (only after speaking to your husband about this). I recommend professional intervention here and you should be the one to introduce it. This will show the seriousness in your trying to fix this. It isn’t hopeless but you need a lot of work here. Let honestly and communication lead this. Now that you know better, do better. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a jam that is not easy to figure out. My boyfriend is in prison, he went to prison for assault for defending me when some man was too touchy with me. I have been visiting him when I can, but he was sentenced to two years and my friends often remind me that I have needs and need to have an affair. I went out with the girls and met this guy in the local club, he is really fine and gave me a lot of attention and yes I slept with him just one time. The thing is that I found out three things, one is that I’m pregnant; the second is that he gave me herpes and the third is he knows my man. I’m fu*king screwed. My boyfriend comes home in two months and I’m two months pregnant and haven’t told him anything. I love him and I don’t want to lose him. I know he gave up a lot to defend me and I just hate what I did. Can this be saved? Please say yes. Thank you, Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
This is a lot to digest for you I’m sure, although there is a lot of activity in your moment of cheating, you have to direct your attention on what is happening within you. You have a new life to feed and someone who demands more than a moment. Make sure you have your head straight for that. Then you have a health issue now and that needs your strict attention and you need to wear more responsibility for yourself. I know you want to be with your boyfriend upon his arrival but you need to come clean. Be realistic and ask yourself to reverse the role and without thinking selfishly for once, would you take him back if it was reversed? As you weigh that out, you need to be ready to be totally honest with him about this experience and your stupid friend’s suggestion to cheat on your man. Friends normally want what’s best for their friends, not just to have a partner to go out and sleep with men in clubs. That’s just plain stupid. Nonetheless, it is done and you have to focus on the now, come clean to him and express your heart. I have no idea what he will say but I’m sure he has been waiting about two years to hold you freely and it’s kind of sad that you may have removed that dream from him. The only way to make this work is to come clean and let your heart speak, let your soul guide you into his and allow him to express himself honestly. You made the decision for you; he needs to make it for him. Good luck and keep me posted.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Why do men always act like they don’t need help or like they are the sh#t, even when they are down and out. What’s with this whole front like they can’t accept whatever their situation is? How can I get with a man when every time I do, the dude is talking about what he did or going to do? I dated this one guy that kept reliving his high school football days. Like I really want to hear about that. Is there are men out there that doesn’t hide behind their pride or lies? Thank you in advance. Confused Jane Doe
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused Jane Doe”,
I want to start out by saying all men are NOT this way. This may be the type of men you have dealt with and for some reason you attract but this is not the story of all men. Those men or rather, those males you deal with are in the more immature category and you have to ask yourself why they gravitate towards you in particular, while doing so, understand that there are some idiots out there that still believe in this gender separation and go for the Neanderthal way of thinking when it comes to male and female gender roles. One thing about men is that when a man mentions his triumphs, whether past or present, it’s for a reason. The same way it is said that women are more sensitive, at times a man likes his partner to pay attention to what he is saying and would like validation in that. If the roles were reversed and you were telling him something about someone close to you and he shut you down, you wouldn’t be the happiest. Maybe the pride is up because you kick the ego in the sack. This isn’t only about you when you are in a relationship and although I believe pride and ego should be left somewhere, they do exist. Maybe his way of opening communication is thru his most comforting accomplishments. What’s wrong with asking more about them and engaging in his interests for a moment? I’m pretty sure you aren’t always the most entertaining conversationalist or they wouldn’t be bringing these things up. Be fair and do not let the blame fall short of your lap. You play a role.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I feel like I have two boyfriends, one when his boys are there and one when his boys are not there. It’s like they carry his pride and ego with them and he tries to show out when they are around. I am fed up and annoyed and about to leave this situation. What do you think I should because this man has me at the point where I’m about to flip. Thanks. Suzie.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Suzie”,
First thing here is that your boyfriend carries the “boy” part of the title very well. That is something that should have died out after puberty, high school the most. With that being said, the problem exists and running away isn’t the answer if there is true emotion invested in this situation. What has to happen is that there has to be a coming of the minds (If possible with the man child). You have to sit him down and express your honest feelings and what this situation is doing to the relationship. Don’t ask him to be the floating poet around his boys because his relationship with them has probably been that way for years but you can firmly let it be known that you do not wish to accept less from him because they are in the area. He should be able to be his other side with his boys but can find a way to morph the two parts of him where it is healthy in all areas. It isn’t hard to do. He has to feel safe doing so and I’m sure you can assist in that department. Remind him how it hurts and how it frustrates you but you want him to be him all the time. You aren’t trying to change him but you just want a little consistency. In a very civil manner, I can see ground being made. Please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi There, I hope you're well; I acquired your email address at your site, and wondered if you may be able to help me. I'm a 43 year old woman; for the past 2 years I have been seeing a lovely gentleman. Sadly this gentleman is a paraplegic (we met after his injury). He has issues, and hang-ups about himself, which I feel are natural; however I love him, and have told him this. He seems to play what I call mind games, and feels the need to constantly test me. For example, he might send me a text message saying he "would like to leave things be", I go along with his request, and give him reassurance indirectly. Last week I called to wish him a happy new year. He pretended not to know who was calling (even though my no would have displayed on his phone), and he had often played this game I feel to hide his true feelings from me. I said hello and he said Hi, and hung up, I rang him back, and he answered me and then hung up again. I have tried to call him since, however it's as though he's ignoring my calls. I have not tried to contact him constantly, as feel that he has enough to deal with, as he does suffer mood swings and so forth. Please would you advise me on this, as I really do love him, and do not know where to turn to.
Thank you very much for your time, warmest wishes, Roxanne.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Roxanne”,
Sadly he is battling so many things within and I fear that he doesn’t realize the prize that stands before him. It isn’t easy to deal with the issues of esteem or the feeling of pride as if he has to make the call because of fear that you would not be permanent. In that situation, one is always questioning those around them and wondering where people truly lie and there are issues of feeling like a burden to add to that. He probably doesn’t see the full extent of his injected distance and that this time in his life he has a woman who loves him for him. I don’t know what his yesterday was like to make him inject this distance but I can only imagine. I do know that studies support that men have a harder recovery time with rejection and maybe this is his way of protecting self from being rejected again in his life. I think at this point you are going to have to lay all the cards on the table and impose your will one time. Sit beside him and tell him point blank in a caring, honest manner what it is you want in this situation and how much his distance hurts. You can not fall into the game he is playing. These games are usually played because he hasn’t the control in other areas of life and this is where he feels he has. You have to counter that with love, show him that you are real and not some fly by night moment. I tip my hat tip you and honor you and I’m sure when you put it all on the line, so will he. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Do men still deliberately ignore women if he really likes her as a ploy to try and get her to notice him? Because I swear this guy is doing that at work. Thanks. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Playing hard to get is so high school or junior high school. However, from you taking notice, I see it still works. Maybe he really has no interest and you have misled yourself because of your desire for him to want you or your expectation of him to be attracted to you, nonetheless, it does still exists and although it does I do not ever believe in childish antics to express self but to always communicate like adults effectively.
TIPS: Men aren’t the only ones with pride. Thinking it as a gender and stereotypically placing labels on it is the same as men assuming you shouldn’t work and just cook & clean. That’s very prehistoric and idiotic. When your partner is proud about a plan or a past accomplishment, remember that it’s not your moment so don’t be all petty and try to shut them down. Instead, compliment and support that. And try to remember that sometimes pride is mistaken for good old honest confidence. Good luck all.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My girlfriend and I have been having ups and downs but I don’t think our problems should lead to cheating. She cheated on me saying I don’t spend enough time with her and I’m always tired, so I don’t have sex with her as much as she would like. What she doesn’t understand is that I am the only one working and I work extra shifts to take care of the household. She is saying she has needs and all this other nonsense that I really don’t want to hear. Should I walk away from this girl? Can people recover from cheating or should I just leave? I don’t deserve this, not the way I am working. I got my degree, I got my things together, I work hard, I drive and I don’t have problems with anyone. I love her but I keep getting from my boys to just bounce on her and not return. They say she needs me because she is unemployed and I should kick her out but I do love her. I am stuck, help me. Thank you Mr. Lover Man, “Confused Good Man”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Confused Good Man”,
Initially when someone finds out their partner is cheating, there comes this devastation within that just doesn’t seem to end. However, infidelity doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. In order for infidelities to cease all parties have to analyze their positions in this and this does not take away the irresponsible disgusting nature of her actions but all parties must do some fixing. In your particular case she definitely did NOT take into account how hard you work or care enough about how you felt. She does NOT have a legitimate excuse to cheat as none exists but her excuse is one of the weaker ones. You have made your case for a man who is a good catch but you need to solidify that by putting your self-value forward and either kick her out or make things work. Either way you need to be more than the roof over her head. Maybe she should get a job and see how much more tired she would be and how much more she would appreciate what it is you do. However, I don’t know that she would do so for this relationship because the type of person that usually cheats for such a lame excuse is the type that continuously cheats. In my opinion I think you should weigh out the good and bad of today and make the decision based on that. I always say that when the costs outweigh the rewards, it’s time to abandon that old investment and make a new investment. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am a good looking woman and I really am not trying to come off conceited or arrogant but I am a very attractive woman. The reason I say that is because I cannot figure out why is it that the two or three times my boyfriend and I have sex in a week, he has had to have a drink. Is it something I am doing wrong? What is it with guys with sex and alcohol? Please shed some light on this situation. Thank you, “Sober Lady Needs Sober Loving”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sober Lady Needs Sober Loving”,
There could be a few reasons why this is taking place and before I enter into that, I want to explain a little about the correlation and misconceptions of alcohol and sex. For many years they have been almost synonymous in action in many cases. There is a short term affect with alcohol and sex that is almost a “dis”-inhibiting effect if you will. This allows the person to somewhat loosen up and feel more comfortable about sex. Of course this isn’t taking drunks into account, but I’m talking about in smaller amounts. There is also a loosening in conversation within sexual communication. There even has been studies that showed that people who taken certain drinks and was told there was a small amount of alcohol in it (Even though there were none) were more sexual than normal. This leads back to the reason why your boyfriend feels the need to get his drink on before engaging sexually. Maybe your beauty intimidates him or his sober performance pales in his mind to his performance with a little alcohol in his system. Whatever the case is, this can come to an end with little drama. First thing is that you have to talk to him effectively. Express your concern for you and him as a unit with him drinking. Find out if he has additional stressors he isn’t discussing that may lead to his drinking. Remind him of your support to him as a couple. Reassure him that the alcohol is not needed in any case when he is with you and you prefer him sober and then show him why you prefer him sober. Catch him by surprise and make it amazing. Remind him of how great it can be sober and then afterwards sweetly reiterate your position. The long term effects are horrible but in this case we don’t want to use that to try and scare him, that won’t work. Great communication is the key. Good luck and please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am in a relationship. My boyfriend works hard but he doesn’t make much money and it gets frustrating for me because I feel like we should have more. He is a faithful good man but I wish he would get a better job. Right now there is this guy who wants to do the world for me and wants to buy me things I want and it gets more tempting as the days go by. I like gifts and things but I don’t know what to do. I know my man is good but I feel like I should have more. This other guy has money and I know he will be able to buy the things I want. What should I do? Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
I am almost tempted to call you a gold-digger in my best Kanye West impersonation but I’ll pass. Someone once said there is never enough money, with that being said, when you are showered with gifts, what happens next? You want cars and property? How about you get a job and earn these things yourself? Or is that degrading for you? You have a hard working man and for whatever reason that isn’t good enough for you and that’s ok, you are entitled to wanting more but you should take part in being more yourself before you talk about other people’s short comings. At least he is employed in the recession while you are seeking free gifts. You really need to evaluate the bigger picture, this man’s work ethic just may be rewarded with bigger things than even your gift wishing ways can fathom. You can sit him down and talk about the direction of the relationship honestly and on top of that add in your discontent with his work position but only do so if you have a solution that allows you to be of financial assistance and not just sideline gift wishing. Be a part of the solution and not run to another problem. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My boyfriend spends more time on his PS3 than he does on me and I am tired of it. I am two seconds from throwing it out the window and giving him a piece of my mind. What’s wrong with him? I want more sex but he is always having his fingers on the wrong buttons. He needs to grow up and look at this here and do something before I find someone who will. What should I do to get him to give me more attention? Advanced Thanks, “I’m More Than A Game”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “I’m More Than A Game”,
This unfortunately happens more than I would like to admit. Neglect is one of the leading causes of a failed relationship but can easily be thwarted with strong communication and a better plan of timing in your relationship. You have to express to him the neglect you feel and how much you miss the attention you once received from him. Express why you miss it and what it would mean to you to have it back. Do not put an either the game or me in his face because this conversation isn’t about challenging, it’s about repairing. He can have game time but it should never outweigh your time. Work out time where he can have game time but where it doesn’t affect the time you deserve. This isn’t something that should destroy your relationship if communicated well and honestly. Good luck and keep me posted.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I married have been for almost 22yrs and recently have fell in love with someone else....This other person I’ve known for 2 yrs but this last year we have become especially close...and wonderfully become intimate....I loved my friend even before sex and there was some hesitance beforehand. We are amazing as friends and even better as lovers...but it got too deep and I wanted more so they backed away and stopped the sex. We still remained friends although it was very difficult for me because I was in pure heat for this person....finally it got to where I couldn’t breath I wanted them so badly and the sex was back on and 10 times better than before. We go on vacation together...this person treats me better than anyone ever has...it was very easy for me to fall in love....They told me in the beginning they didn’t want to be the reason I ended my marriage and they aren’t totally...I’ve moved out into my own place and they haven’t even been to see me yet....the sex has stopped again without any rhyme or reason...but continues to treat me just as friends...if we spend any amount of time together they will take some days off from speaking or seeing me...call themselves stopping me from becoming too attached....also have let me know that they are sleeping with other people....everything about this relationship/friendship has totally been under their control....everything happens on their terms...never mine...I just adapt to what they want and have been ok with that. Just wanting to be with them...how do I not care for someone who clearly doesn’t truly care for me????....they tell me that they love me, but dont want to be in a relationship anyone right now....I’m dying here. “Sad In Atlanta”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Sad In Atlanta”,
I think that you are searching for something new and you did not clearly take everything into account. This person you know for two years obviously is seeing you as you are, a married person having relations outside of their marriage. This isn’t the first of its kind but you made huge changes and are hoping for more than you are warranted. Of course the person hasn’t been to your new place yet, and that’s because you are no longer as thrilling as the married sneaking around person this other person entered the situation under. The constant pattern is this person backs away as you want more or displays/verbalizes your desire for more. These are red lights that should have had you re-evaluate the situation for what it truly is. The person said that there isn’t an interest in being in a relationship with anyone but I’m wondering if it’s just with you and this person is sparing your feelings somewhat. This is totally under their control for two reasons, one is because I’m very sure there is someone else this person is taking very serious and because this person doesn’t give you an equal value as this relationship was entered with you belonging with another and despite your initial attempt to fight it off; you gave in or initiated something you should never have. Now I don’t know if this being new after 22 years of marriage plays a factor in your head over heels love that this person is obviously not feeling in equality but the fact is this person isn’t what you thought as you weren’t to your married partner. You need to accept fact and not look for the fairy tale you assisted in misleading yourself to believe. You can’t turn off emotion in a second but the willingness to move forward holds people back more than actually moving forward. You need to stop holding on or trying to figure it out, the fact is that this will not blossom into anything and you need to be happy within yourself. Good luck and keep me posted.
Mr. Lover Man
In 2008, I lost a very good job and couldn't find work for a while; I eventually lost all self-worth, pride, etc. With that came a very bad attitude. Anyways, I am still currently married to the mother of my two kids, ages 3 and 2, but am separated. She says since Jan., but I was still in the house until July. The problems started in 2009 when I got busted for almost cheating on her, and by that, I mean the bf of the girl called my phone before any sexual activities occurred. Anyways, she lost all trust and respect for me. I found out that she was also cheating on me in late June, for approximately 2 months. Her and that guy broke up for a period of a few months, whereas she dated someone else, but now she is back with guy #1. Now, we have been in constant communication since July, and not always regarding the kids. She has even asked me to do various things for her that any Joe can do, and I have questioned that idea in my head numerous times. I have been told by my associates that when I get my things in order, i.e. job, apartment, and car, that she will flow towards me. Will I be a consolation prize or because we are still married, will it be reconciliation? Is there going to be reconciliation, or is she done with me. She has threatened divorce, over a month and a half ago, and told me to pick up all my things that remain at the house, but nothing has come out of that. She won't even let me have any pictures of us, i.e. wedding. What is going on here? Thank you in advance for your help. Lost and Confused
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost and Confused”,
There is a good chance that she just might come back to you when things are back in order for you, however, someone who isn’t willing to be by the side of their partner in marriage through good and bad times isn’t worth being with. As for her threats and lack of action in pertinence to you picking up your things, that could very well be in accordance with how well things are going with the next relationship she is in. Nonetheless, there is that issue of you cheating and almost engaging in sexual activity. That might have been something she isn’t over yet and could have catapulted her towards the relationships she has ventured into since. She needs time to release about her hurt other than finding new partners. I wonder if she was allowed to express how the betrayal and hurt felt without you trying to find excuses for your actions. These are things that are needed for healing. If you want things to be better than you have to be better and you have to come to her and put your cards on the table but only and I repeat ONLY after you allow her time and the opportunity to heal and express what’s within. Now there is no guarantees with results but I am very sure it will better than it is now. As for her asking you to do things anyone can do, don’t look too deep into that in hopes of finding something to hold onto. That’s a common misleading act people do. Look at facts and anything unclear, you ask for clarity. Try not to run with your hopes over facts. I know you wanted clarity as to where you would be a consolation prize or will it be reconciliation, and I hate to say it but without communication and healing, you are the consolation prize. You want it to be reconciliation and then honor her with opportunity to heal. Good luck and please keep me posted
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Can my marriage survive after there has been cheating? I want to earn my trust back because I have cheated on my husband once and although we agreed to work on it, it doesn’t seem like he is his same loving self. What can I do? Thank you. “Fighting for His Love”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Fighting for His Love”,
In a situation where distrust has emerged, one must allow the other person to heal in their own timely fashion. I understand that you want things to go back to the good times before you went and spread elsewhere but this will not be fully under your terms. You must allow your partner appropriate time for a healing within because although you appear to have better intentions now than when you were cheating but that doesn’t eliminate the hurt you husband felt. Communicate effectively and display love as much as you feel it. Things may not be the same but do not chase yesterday, make tomorrow great. Your focus should be being better and no more cheating. You should show love and work on making trust solid. Allow your husband a good healing time and let him let it out if needed. Communication will walk you through it all. Good luck and keep me posted.
Mr. Lover Man,
I am wondering what happened with my marriage. We have been married five years and now it seems like we are just friends with benefits. I miss the romance, I miss the public displays of affection and I sometimes feel like just friends hanging out instead of husband and wife walking down the street. I want to do things but I don’t because I don’t want to be rejected by my own husband. What should I do? I miss the fire. Thanks, “Lady Bug”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lady Bug”,
Unfortunately some marriages slip as time passes and if not addressed early, this will spiral to a failed marriage. It is great that you see it early and you want to do something about it. I wonder if you’re financial situation worsened or has there been any other environmental or emotional factors that has maybe steered the attention from your husband. If this is the case then I think you should communicate and offer self as a partner with equal ability to assist. If that isn’t the case then express your concern but never in an accusatory manner but in the same loving concern you express here. Plan a romantic getaway that matches your finances, take a night to go out and learn more about each other, there is always something going on in people’s minds daily. If necessary take a night to romance him somewhere other than the bedroom, make a new spark and be spontaneous. Hug him in the middle of the street; confess your love like you never have. Remind him of what attracts you to him. Make him feel your love again, make love infectious and communicate through the entire way. Good luck and please keep me posted.
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Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Why is life so difficult? Let me try to get this out. My ex and I were together for five years before we broke up. I cheated because I assumed he was cheating and I was wrong and I always regretted it. He was hurt and I was hurt when I thought he cheated so I guess I understand what he felt. I regret it and he was willing to be friends with me even though I broke his heart. I can’t say anything bad about him. He even used to leave me notes before work telling me he loved me and what I meant to him and I miss that. Two months after we broke up I got with my current boyfriend and we have been together two months but things are good, the problem is that my current boyfriend does not want me and my ex to be friends so I had to stop the friendship. I regret that too now and I wish I didn’t do that. Now my ex won’t talk to me as I am trying to be his friend on the low. Should I keep trying to be his friend? I can’t help but keep thinking about him and I miss him so much. Thanks from Isabelle.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Isabelle”,
So you are on a role with hurting this guy huh? Let me say that I wonder if you really take his feelings into account. He sounds like a nice guy and for some reason there is something about him you want around but I don’t think you deserve it. You ask if you should keep trying to be his friend. Heck No, you don’t deserve his friendship. It did not mean anything to you that you did not take a stand for it. Now to offer it in a secretive manner only re-enforces your sneaky cheating ways. Two things here you need to think about, the first is the relationship you are in is fairly young, and so if you start out with secrets and sneaking around, and it will only grow and breed more deception. The other thing to think about is how your ex must feel after five years for you to cheat on him. For him to accept your friendship only to have that trampled on with his heart again must not sit well and you have to think about that for once. Life isn’t that difficult, you have to be a better friend and very honest in your relationships. Good luck with everything. Keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My ex wants me back, I want him back but I can’t get over his cheating. How do I know if he changed? He says the right things and I want to believe him and every time I think I am ready, I can’t get over his constant cheating ways. Help!! Thank you. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
One thing about Ex’s that must be considered is why are they ex’s. That is something often forgotten when people start to feel lonely or feel as if that’s their only emotional connection or some other pathetic excuse to lead back to the ex. In this case you have to consider this; the only way one can forgive and forget is to conquer the situation within. He can NOT help you get over his cheating ways other than never cheating again. This comes from you. Can you accept that it has happened? Can you accept that you are gambling and no matter what he says, it is not in stone that he will never cheat again? What has he done to work on his cheating ways? We are creatures of habit. People that have sex with different people usually do not shut it off in a blink of an eye. Depending on his level of cheating, a cheater takes work to stop cheating. Can you happily and I mean HAPPILY invest into that? The only way to be happy moving forward is if you can accept what he has done and both work on moving forward slowly. Do not pick up from where you left off, because that didn’t end well. This is anew, express yourself clearly, communicate strongly and you need time to make sure you have healed. Good luck, please keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have ex issues that just seem to come out every time I am about to date someone new. My ex girlfriend always finds a way to talk bad about me to the girl and then always end up saying “I know because I’m his ex” and it seems to work. It seems that I can’t move on because of her. What do I do? Thank you, Stuck In Time.
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Stuck In Time”,
The unpopular case of the cursed Ex who can’t get over it. There always seems to be one out there that is more consumed with ruining you than enjoying them. This miserable, bitter creature is partially created by you but not your fault at all. Her entering your world unannounced and unwanted is NOT your fault and we need to start with that. You have to right to move on happily as she does. I can see why she is your ex. Nonetheless, there is things you can do, one you can forewarn others of her unannounced appearances, or you can try to keep you dates from within range from her until you and your date has established a more trusting ground and she learns you more for who you are by action than by your ex’s words. I’m not sure what state you are in but if this is considered stalking by law than you can consider legal action. I definitely would never stand for a miserable, bitter ex because I am more powerful in my world than that person ever could be. You need to see it that way and understand that your actions and your better preparation of this verbal assault can prevent this from occurring and if it does, you would have already established who you are and her corny, childish tactics would not be effective. She would hopefully fall back after failure and you can live your life worry free of the psycho ex. Good luck and keep me posted.
Well Mr. Lover Man,
Advise life is ruff, And nothing seems to get easier. What do you think if your ex wants you to help him and be in his life but there is no sexual relationship. There is bound but no commitment. He's older then I am has allot of responsibility and never has time to wine and dine me anymore.
Then you have a sexual relationship with someone for about a year and a half again no love no commitment and you wonder when and if you will get to that with this individual. My feeling grow strong his my age and has no kids the perfect candidate. But then Travels allot I know minimum about this individual but know that I have grown these feeling and try to keep then bottled up.
I meet people go out and nothing none of which I want. I feel that I am losing myself and will be alone and never feel warmth in my bed or have a man to hold. I know that there is no perfect man but where and how do I draw the line to move on and find my happiness. Anonymous
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Ok, there seems to be a lot going on that you are giving too much attention to. First thing, let’s look at the ex; I don’t see any reason for you both to even be in each others lives, especially if it hinders over helps. Why does he want you to help him and be in his life but doesn’t have time for you? I get the hint that either he cares just enough to tolerate you but benefits with your help or he doesn’t care enough to make time but knows you are easily swayed and will give in and help. Either way, this is NOT a good thing. Next let’s look at the sexual relationship you are having for about a year and a half and no commitment. You are investing feelings, whether expressed or not and you receive nothing you want other than a stiffing. Once again this is not a healthy situation. You can both put your cards on the table and communicate how you feel and what you want or you can understand you are being used as nothing more than a sex toy. There is no love for you there and nothing more than the one moment. You then mention meeting people and it appears to be some consolation prize for never winning what you want. The constant here is you, there has to be some inner digging to surface not just a more confident you but one which refuses to be used. The only way to draw the line is to understand the situation for what it is and not want it enough to take a stand against it. No one here seems to be going out their way to make you feel loved, NOT even you. Refuse to be used, take time to dissect you and understand what it is you truly want for you without users in your life. Good Luck, please keep me posted.
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