SEX: HIGH DRIVE, LOW RIDE

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My sexual appetite is much higher than my boyfriends. What is it that I could do to increase his to match mine? I thought guys were supposed to be sexual all the time. Is it me or is it him? Thank you. “Horny Little Lady”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Horny Little Lady”,
The thing about sex drive is that there is most likely a reason for this and I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t like sex. Try to find out why is it low without mocking the situation. Don’t compare sex drives and do not make assumptions. Try to find out if he has stressors that are presently triggering unhappy feelings or worrisome thoughts. Work, money or medical issues lead reasons men tend to lose drive. Dieting helps too. Sometimes what one eats invades the drive and diminishes it, work through this with him. Change of diet, adding more fruits and vegetables, cutting down fried foods or fatty foods in general will help. Set more romantic settings at home or go out more. There is so much that can be done about this. The only way to get to that is to make sure you find out what, if any, is stressing him out. Another overlooked issue men have is when a woman is too demanding outside of the bed. Psychologically this alters his mood in the bed and often steers him away. How one treats their partner outside the bed can determine the bedroom activities. The only way to get a clear understanding on what’s going on is to care enough to communicate honestly and effectively. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Hi, I’m 16 always thinking about sex. Me and my boyfriend are trying to get it as much as we can. We even sneak breaks in school to do it. Is this bad because I’m so young? We use protection, but I’m wondering if this is something I need to look at because none of my friends are freaky like me. Is this normal? Should I try to stop a little bit? Thank you for answering. Young but Ready


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Young but Ready”
Normal is a word that isn’t really cut and dry. I will say that at 16, urges are natural. However, the level of which you act upon it is a little bit disturbing. I think that when it interferes with your education, you may need to consider this sexual relationship. I hope and wish that you are as involved with your future goals and education as you are with sex. Thinking about sex and wanting it doesn’t mean you have to have it all the time. Assess whether other aspects of your life is being compromised due to these sexual acts. If at any point your education is slipping, if your responsibilities are being shelved, if at any point your other relationships in life are being compromised than you should think twice and try to engage in other activities. One of the worst decisions one can make is thinking that they always have time to better their life. Take advantage of opportunities to solidify a greater future for yourself. Sex will be there, learn more about life. I can’t tell you to or not to have sex, that’s a decision you have made and are making, but I can suggest that you make smarter choices. Often we think the future is a guarantee. Make today count in other aspects of life. Begin to have conversations outside of sex and discuss the future. See if he has ambition, goals and a passion for life outside of sex. His presence can be of influence, try to alter his presence to push you towards greatness. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My girlfriend and I have a sexual issue. She is the making love type and I am the wild for night guy. There is a sexual struggle as one tries to take control and do what they like. How can we make this work? I want it more than she does how can I get her to step it up? Much obliged. The Wolf.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The Wolf”,
So many times people do not realize how much more they can accomplish with compromise than to try to compete. Your case is a perfect example of that. Instead of the constant struggle of which direction this sex act will go, how about attempting to incorporate both. Learn to make love that can later transform into wild passionate sex. Maybe the reason her drive isn’t where you wish could very well be because of your lack of willingness to either compromise or make love to her. Have you thought that maybe the way you make love does something for her that your hard wild sex doesn’t? That could be quite flattering as stereotypically men tend to be better at wild sex than making love. Communicate with her expressing what it is about the wild sex that does it for you and allow her every opportunity to express what it is about making love that drives her insane. This isn’t only about you nor is it only about her. The competition will run dry as frustration looms and could lead to other problems. Be willing to be giving and you will see better results. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m tired of the excuses my husband gives me. He is such a worry wart and all he focuses on is bills, money, bills and money. I am neglected sexually and with my dive this is long past frustration. He works too many hours and is tired. I’m thinking I’m going to need a job to have sex. He works, I don’t but now I’m thinking maybe I should get a job, and then I’ll be sexually active again. This is frustration at its highest. My friends suggest that I find a boy toy but I am not trying to go that route. How can I get sex more than once a week? Thank you, from “Anonymous”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Anonymous”,
Your selfishness just might be a turn off. How about you consider your words and get a job to relieve your husband of some of those bills he is worrying about? I can’t believe that you as the unemployed partner have the audacity to complain about his money woes and his high concerns of bills. These are common stressors that affect sex life and a great way to prevent that is to actually alleviate the stress by financially helping out. I can imagine your frustration but I think you should consider what he is going through as the only financial provider. Your admission of his working too many hours is a clear sign that there could be more financial help. Marriage is unison, something you should consider when wanting more bedroom action. Talk through it with him. Be supportive; allow him to express his concern without any whining. As for your friends making the idiotic suggestion of cheating, that goes to show you what idiots you have for friends that they would actually have you risk your marriage. I definitely do NOT need friends like that. Sex solely should not determine the direction of a marriage but I do understand its importance. In order for you to get it more than once a week, you are going to have to openly communicate with him and consider relieving him of his financial situation. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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CHANGING YOUR ROLE

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I Have so many questions need some advice please help me! I’m 29 yrs old and I have been married for 11 yrs to a man that has been controlling my every decision and choices that I make to him taking over the money situation and giving me a allowance that he feels that I need so one day he piss me off I got on twitter cause I heard about and I really didn't pay it no attention but then I notice my phone would allow me to twitter away from home so I did that and people started to follow me and I started to really get into it but now its like he gets upset that am on my phone and he cuts it off from time to time when he feels am not giving him the attention he wants. What i need to know is am I wrong for not allowing him to search through my phone? Am I wrong for locking it so that he can't do it when am away from it? Am I wrong for being on twitter to much? Even though it's something that I have that the kids can't take from me or him. Am I wrong for not putting him on my twitter acct. so he can monitor who I talk to and what I say like he was before and that's the reason I took him off. I just need to have something for myself I feel that I have given him all of me and now I want something for me and he can't stand it he says am ruining the marriage and am starting to feel that he just says that to make me feel bad b/c am not doing what he wants anymore and that he can't control this situation please help me. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
First thing, I want to tell you that you are concerned about the wrong things here. The biggest concern is being in a relationship that doesn’t have a partnership. How does a grown adult give another adult an allowance and control your every move? This is inhumane and isn’t the recipe for a relationship, it’s the exact brew of a dictatorship. His concern of your twitter isn’t really about you but about his control over you. His insecure weaker side needs to have full control to compensate for his life short comings or his life long built insecurities which could have festered from childhood. Nonetheless, this is not a healthy relationship and one that needs professional help or an exit from you. I will however, address your questions, NO, you are not wrong for not allowing him to check your phone, this is a childish thing from him, especially that he controls your every move (which is disturbing and disgusting). There is nothing wrong with being on a social media/networking site. It doesn’t appear that you are engaging in malicious acts of any sort. In every relationship, being you is important. Having control of self is integral in life and not just in a relationship. You are not ruining a marriage that is already ruined. The notion of this even being called a marriage seems only by law and not by heart. Firmly express your feelings and suggest professional intervention. If he wants this marriage to work, he is going to have to make changes and so are you. You have a say-so in the role you are placed in. Good luck and please keep me posted.

 Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Can you give a man’s opinion on what these are because me and my girls are always arguing over this. What is a wifey to you? What’s a friend with benefits and what is a jump off or side chick? We ladies have our take, so what’s yours? , Sincerely “Real Working Wives In NY”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Real Working Wives In NY”,
That’s an interesting question; I can give a quick break down of what I think each one is. However, I do not in any fashion agree to any position other than the “Wifey”. With that said, the first one, the only one of serious importance is the “Wifey”, she is the one that holds the mental, emotional and physical place of her man. She is the partner he honors and respects, the one woman that he truly desires from his soul. She is definitely the number one and with a good man, she is the one and only. The Ebonics term derives from wife and it is because this is the broke man’s “wife”, the one he considers his unofficial wife. In many cases (not all) this is who the man would marry had he been in a better situation. Sometimes this term is used loosely and it takes from the value, of course that’s another blog post all together.


As for “Friends with Benefits” this is the person he feels he can call you anytime, day or night with his problems, talk to laugh with hang out with and if need be fuck. This person is his friend first before the sex. This fuck buddy will most likely only know his good side because he really wants to keep your friendship. Since, you never get along with other females anyway; he is your best friend. You never have to worry about the relationship drama ruining your friendship with him and the platonic intimacy factor somehow makes the sex bananas but wait............. Every now and then jealousy kicks in and you wish you were with him. Statistically, the relationship never works out because you never knew anything significant about each other.... sorry but that’s the truth.


Now for the record the “Side Chick” and “Jump Off” are two different roles. “The Side Chick” is never number one, she is plan b, she is the spare wheel and she is there for no serious reason and serves minimal purpose. Should anything happen to wifey, you are next in line (not really like that) 97% of the time you never become his wifey because you lack something he felt is essential for the home base. Maybe he thinks you are dumb, can’t manage money, or his insecure ass cant control you like a lot pigs try to do. Whatever the case you will not be wifey but you do have a certain X factor that he is lacking with his wifey, you get enough of him to keep you satisfied for now, and you don’t have to put up with all the domestics. In very few cases you are treated better than wifey since you might be a little bit younger or prettier than her and are viewed as nothing more than his trophy. But wait......... No matter how you try to make excuses, you are still getting sloppy seconds and empty promises. He will not leave his wife for you. PERIOD!!! If he hasn’t left yet, NEWSFLASH: he won’t.


As for the most despicable of all “The Jump Off”, this is miss no strings attached. This female does not have the right to know anything about him or to ever feel as if cuddling, conversation or a meal comes with the package. However, some men are generous to their little jump offs. You have no rights to his money or to impose on his family life. Harsh reality, he doesn’t give a rat's ass about you and you are the most easily replaced person in his life. Generally speaking, if a man has one of these, he has more than one of these. But wait....... He doesn’t really want to know your name or age but asks anyway, and you probably do not know his real name and age.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m tired of my boyfriend always invading my email, reading my texts and telling me what to do every day. I don’t want to lose him because I love him but I’m tired of him running my life. And let me just tell you that nowadays that even with sex he just seems to be concerned with his release. What can I do to stop this? Thank you. “Irritated and Frustrated”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Irritated and Frustrated”,
Communication, communication, communication!! I can not stress this enough. This is where you must evaluate how much you really want things to be better in your relationship. I do not think the day you met him that he was into your email and texts and what gets me is why you allowed it in the first place. I understand that there are situations where both parties have that access and that works for them but this clearly is not that situation. This seems like a case of insecure male strikes again. The fact that he needs control over your every move is because he has been hurt and hasn’t let go and moved on in a healthy fashion and now he is with you and you are the recipient of his idiocy. There is never a justification for one partner being so controlling. You must address how you feel without being as aggressive to push him into a competitive argument. That will only fuel his insecurity and he will continue to be this person you do not want. You must be honest with your feelings and express how this makes you feel, give alternative suggestions to ease his insecurity issues and even offer to do couples therapy. As for the sexual selfishness, express your desires, likes and dislikes, take control in the bed. Impose your will at times and little by little incorporate your style. This with communication will enhance what’s lacking at this present time. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it possible to actually feel like less than a man? I anonymously ask this because I can’t win at home. My wife wants to always watch her programs and it is driving me insane, especially on football Sunday. I want to make her happy but I need to get some things back here. I don’t want to be mean or aggressive because I respect her as a woman but come on man, this is just insane. What should I do? Thank you. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The reason this exists is because you allow it to. It is not about being mean or aggressive but about expressing your feelings and wanting a fairer household. Somewhere down the line as this began you chose to step aside and let this happen. Lesson learned I hope. In any situation if you are not happy, address it and do not let it grow before it gets so far out that it’s hard to reverse or to impose fairness. This isn’t about feeling like a man, this is about your feelings as a human. You are an adult and you need to be firm, fair, open-minded and understanding. Make the suggestion of alternating days and times, get DVR or some form of cable networking that allows you to record shows and try to get involved with the same shows (both of you, not just you). Express your awareness that this must be something she really likes but there are ways you both can get your television time. This has to be a partnership, something this small can lead to other avenues in the relationship and it could get much worse. Communicate honestly. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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TRUST OR BUST

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I’m having a serious problem here that I’m counting on you to shed some light on. Me and my girlfriend both read you blog and debate about a lot. Never thought I would be asking you something but I really need to get this to you because you answer straight up and we enjoy this blog. Here it goes, my girlfriend’s best friend is pregnant and that’s nice for her, but she has fed into my girlfriends head that we should have a baby so they can grow up as best friends. I’m opposed to this because it’s our life and future family, not her best friends. My girlfriend is thinking this would be great but I don’t. What also irks me is how my girlfriend acts when her friend is around. It’s like I don’t even know her. She starts acting like her friend. It is annoying and I don’t know how to go about bringing this up. My girlfriend and I had agreed that we wouldn’t have kids until we graduated and began our careers and now all of a sudden her fiend has her wanting babies. It takes money and huge responsibility. I work and go to college and she goes to college. I don’t even trust her to have sex without a condom anymore. She says she will get pregnant one way or another. Her birth control pill case is up to date but she doesn’t know I saw the pills in the garbage. How can I trust her wit her friend corrupting our relationship? This needs to be settled. We both will be waiting your answer. Thank you for taking time for this. Bill & Jill (not our real names).


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Bill & Jill,
This sounds like some pathetic MTV special about some silly pregnancy pact. With that being said, pregnancy isn’t like playing dolls. There is a lot to go with that, it alters your entire life and although there is a great joy to it, there is a great responsibility that isn’t about playing house. There is no playing when it comes to a life that will have to be the number one priority. The two ladies in question here don’t appear to be thinking this clear enough outside of their silly little “kids as best friends” silliness. When planning a child, there takes more than planning out your child’s future best friend. That’s just absurd, there is much, much more to consider here. Stick to what is best for you both as a unit (minus the meddling friend) and consider what’s best for this future child. As for your girlfriend acting different when her friend is around, there are always reasons for this. One could possibly be that your girlfriend admires her friend and doesn’t see them as equals but maybe sees herself as a slight inferior so she acts like her friend to make up for what she feels is lacking in her attitude and personality. This is not uncommon; it’s corny but not uncommon. In this situation you must establish communication about how you feel. Listen to her feelings as well, maybe something in her conversations with her fiend sparked something else that makes her fell ready. If it is for the reason of having your child’s ready made best friend, then I say that’s childish. Talk this through, weigh the pros and cons. You must come to a decision that has absolutely nothing to do with her meddling friend. This is your child, this is your girlfriend’s child and at best this is only the best friend’s godchild. There is more importance in yours and your girlfriend’s roles here. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
What is it with guys? Why can’t they make up their minds and get serious? I’m so done with them. The last 3 guys I dealt with all acted different right after we had sex like if they had a plan to just have sex. They pretend to be one way and then as soon as you open your legs they act all distant like they don’t want to be involved anymore. This has been a stressful month for me and I am about to just do me and say forget this trying to take these guys serious. Answer this question for me please, why do men need to pretend to get sex? Don’t they know that being real gets you more? Three guys this month and they all acted the same way. Is that a coincidence or am I right that men have issues? Thanks. No Name


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “No Name”,
Are you aware that this month only has 11 days in it s far? You are already 3 guys in and expected what? I’m not excusing these guys’ behaviors if at some point they purposely led you to believe that they wanted more and lied. That’s never right and never acceptable. I’m just wondering, in this short time how could they all three independently fed you some strong lies that enabled you to open up your legs to them and expect a relationship from any of them? You are averaging 3.6 days with each one. Do you not see that you play a role here? You play the biggest role in these situations. These guys obviously see something about you that is willing to open legs so fast wit you averaging 3.6 days with them. You really need to re-evaluate yourself before you place blame anywhere else. Evaluate the men you attract and what you are giving up in order to try to “keep” them. This is not only foolish but dangerous as STD’s are everywhere. I am very sure that neither of you has gave it up this quick for the first time this month. Enhance and surface your self respect. Take time to learn your partner before you try to self negotiate your body for a promise that couldn’t possibly be believable in 3.6 days. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been in a 2 yr relationship I also have a 5month old baby with this man and he recently lost his business and he hit rock bottom stared coming home at 5 in the morning drinking more and hanging out with a girl he used to fuck she worked right next door to her and his best friend was after her good friend so he told me he wanted to be alone "space" and I told him he can have space living else so I packed his shit up and kicked him out. But every night he came to sleep at my place Y did I allow that? After giving him back the keys to my house after a week him out I find out he was kissing the girl next door and hanging a lot with her and that’s because he told me. I forgave him and now I feel like huge asshole because a big part of y I forgave him was because of my baby. Do u think it was that serious or should say FUCK U AND GET TO THE STEPPIN HOMEBOY LOL?
Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
One thing that strikes me here is that if he started hanging out with a girl he used to sex, then shun you to have his “alone time” and you found out he kissed her, what makes you think more didn’t happen? They were already sexually active in the past and he made a decision to push you back for her for whatever period of time and I’m wondering was there more you do not know about. Of course that is not something you can give great focus to but the notion that he cheated with a kiss alone is one too many. Another thing that bothered me in your post is that he has been coming home 5 in the morning hanging out with her. I can understand his position of losing his business and probably feeling unhappy about that but there is not ever, not in one iota a good excuse to cheat. If your main reason for taking him back was for the baby, then ultimately your unsettled feeling about your decision will continue to haunt you and you will have to face it. You need to assess how you truly feel about his betrayal and if you feel that you are comfortable accepting it, if you truly feel that he will never do so again, if you can come to terms with the deception and can find a way to believe this is more than about sharing a child, then and only then will this be a successful relationship. If any of those aren’t met in some form or fashion, there is a good chance that this will come up again and be an ongoing issue that can lead to the ultimate demise of your relationship. You asked me if it is that serious, well for the record, cheating is always serious. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Where do I start?! I'm a divorced mother of two and I'm a workaholic. After my divorce I devoted myself to my children first and my career second. Personally I feel that I have done a great job with both. For a very long time I was not dating and would write people off, I always felt that when the right one came I'd feel it (although friends often said I wouldn't let men close enough to even consider...). Well very early in the year I met someone and we hit it off. I was very clear as to what I was looking for and what I expected. This was even before the first date and WAY before the sex! We developed a great friendship which then turned into a relationship. Before we were intimate I made sure we had the talk as to where this was headed what he wanted and vice versa. In my mind we were on the same page. Months later he met my children, was in my home EVERY NIGHT either just spending time, eating dinner or spending the night. Weeks after that I became pregnant and he was excited. We spoke of getting a bigger place and future plans. I had met family members, close friends. Recently I got a call, from a woman that stated that she has been in a long-term relationship and also the mother of his child! She stated that they lived together! And that I was not the first one she has discovered over the years. I was blindsided! I confronted him and told him that I was not one to break up any home nor was I going to continue what we had. I told him that as a God fearing woman I was not going to terminate and I expected him to help with the child when the time came.
From that one conversation 2 months ago he never called again. I have not looked for him either. The man that I thought I knew was completely fabricated! I've retraced my steps and no, no clue! There wasn't a place that I didn't suggest that he'd say no to. Even the place I though he lived at, this relative was in on it! I'm keeping my faith in God, knowing that he is looking down on me and my children. I do get scared and I do shake it off. I don't know what type of advice you can give or even insight. I guess I just want a man's perspective...
Thank you, Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
I want to commend you for handling your business as a good mother and putting your children first. The situation you found yourself is unfortunate and one time is too many to know this exists. There will always be a pathetic excuse for a male/female. In this case this guy was not only pathetic but a true piece of trash. This was a guy who focused so much energy on misleading that he became better at it than many. His being able to show up at any point you suggested was because he probably has a stronghold on his relationship which shows as his girlfriend said, this isn’t the first time. She remains because she feels less worth than someone with more sense. He was able to see you any night, not because you are an easy mark but because his girlfriend doesn’t question his every night romps all over town. His family probably knows his ways and supports him because he is family, even if they do not support his ways. When things appear to go right we tend to not pay attention to signs that were probably shown. I’m very sure there was a sign because there is no flawless cheater. One who lives a lie always is battling the truth and as you see, the truth won ultimately as he was once again exposed. I know you didn’t ask a question and just want my perspective, the thing is I can go on and on about him being a piece of trash but that doesn’t change what took place. I notice that you mention he was at your place every night and that he would meet any place you wanted but I’m wondering about the place he lived with this alleged family member. There had to be a sign or an inkling that suggested this was false. I wonder the hours you would be at that place. I’m sure you couldn’t just show up and that is something that would have bothered me and I would have addressed. When planned to go to his place (if more than once) I would have assumed something would have showed. I wonder if after your hiatus from dating that this appeared so well that maybe you ignored that because you feared this not being what it appeared to be. Nonetheless, do not beat yourself up over this. You entered this honestly and now there is another life coming from it, you need to once again shift your focus on a new life and I’m sure once again you will succeed. He may not be there physically but make the bastard pay financially. I do wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted.

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MARRIAGE: TO BE OR NOT TO BE

Dear Mr. Lover Man,


My story is a little different. I’m not just a stupid girl in love with a married man. I met him the on first day of January this year. And I knew he was the one. I grew up in the USA. He grew up in India. I’m a doctor now, and he's a successful businessman, who never even completed school. If opposites attract like magnets, here’s a wonderful example. We met each other through a common friend. We had a wonderful day together, and that evening, he told me he was married and has a 2 yr old son. I don’t know why, but a girl like me who would have normally kicked him in a second, held on to him. At first, I tried to ignore the fact. Then it started bothering me. We really love each other, or maybe I should say he loves me more than I do. I know you might not believe this, but it’s true. I have sensed it many times. He really cares for me. Many of his friends and family members have come to know about us. Even his wife knows now. I introduced him to my parents as a good friend.
He wants to marry me. I want to marry him... But I cannot marry a married man. I am the only daughter of my parents. I can’t lie to them. I told him to divorce his wife, but he said he cannot leave her now. She has done a lot for him in his bad time and he cannot break those promises he gave her of a better future. (Finally a man, who respects women, is trustworthy and honest... but none of this is helping in my favor). If u solve this, you are great. I can’t live with him, and I can’t live without him. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This situation really isn’t clear. You make it seem almost perfect except for the fact that it is not. I want to dive right into this. You say his wife knows about you both, if that is a fact (which I am having a hard time believing) then a divorce would not be an issue with him assisting her in having a better future. He can fulfill that promise as a friend if he is really this “man who respects women, is trustworthy and honest”. This doesn’t seem to be the case because he doesn’t seem to be as willing to marry you as you are to marry him. You say you are not some “stupid girl in love with a married man” and I’m not saying you are but then what do you call it? You knew he was married and held on? There is a lot here to be said about a man who engages with a woman outside his marriage and then when its time to move forward with this woman, the excuse about a promise comes up to stop that and you praise him for sticking to that promise? What about his promise to be faithful to his wife? What about his promise to be there for HER through thick and thin, better or worse? You may not be some stupid girl in love with a married man but you sure are gullible. You claim to have sensed he loves you more than you love him but you both love each other, I dare to say, he is a better actor than you and you are misleading yourself to think this. I’m sure his real wife thinks he is also this wonderful, respectful, trustworthy & honest man because she isn’t some stupid girl married to a cheating, lying, disrespectful & untrustworthy husband but maybe a little gullible. You need to sit down with him and his wife, since she “knows about you both” and since it is so clear and accepting and get answers. Of course if he opposes this, then no she does not know about you both and no he is never leaving her for you. A trustworthy, honest & respectful man does NOT cheat. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been in a LONG term relationship (on year #15). We have never married, as we basically have been thru the storm and back again, growing from teens into adults along the way. I will be honest; there has been infidelity in the past, on both parts. Mine as a result of feeling unloved/unappreciated from his wandering ways...not right at all, but I was young and ignorant at the time. I want to stress to you that the past issues have completely disappeared and the relationship has made a 360 for the best. We share 2 children in common and live a great family life these days. We don't go out to clubs, hang out with single friends & we are now focused on our children and each other. To my knowledge, there has been no cheating by either party in the last 5 years. My question to you is, how do I handle the insecurities that I have with my mate? He obviously has proven in the past just "what" he is capable of. Sometimes when at work and I get no answer, I automatically begin to think the worst-who's he with, what's he doing, even though I know he may not be up to anything...I try to keep my focus on the positive, but lately the past has been haunting my mind. Is it possible for a man who once messed up so bad to change and never return to his original state? There are times when he acts differently, not old traits but similarities. Even though any cheating would have to be done on working hours or to & from work, I know it is not impossible. Am I wrong for allowing my mind to wander like this? I don't wish to share this with him because I know everyone wants to be "trusted", but I cannot keep stressing myself out like this. Some things are just not worth the stress. How do you control your mind to think more optimistically or more positive? Do you think this could be my subconscious wondering about life since I have always been so committed my adult life? I just cannot figure it all out- I really could use some guidance.
Signed, Lost in my own Mind 


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Lost in my own Mind”,
There is something here that can attribute to your feeling this way. One is you have made the excuse acceptable for your cheating ways and you haven’t made so for his. You said your excuse (and all excuses are lame) were you feeling unloved & unappreciated, yet you haven’t included his. He may have only done so for the same exact reason. Knowing the reason doesn’t make it right but if it can dismiss the possibility of you cheating today maybe in your mind it can his. Another thing you must consider is communication, if this is really eating you up inside and you say you can’t stress yourself out over this then you must keep the option on the table to talk to him. Yes everyone in some form or fashion wishes to be trusted but you aren’t so trusting and you have the right to clear the air. Approach the situation in a concerning way not in an accusatory manner. Remind him of how happy you are for the positive changes you both have made but that something is eating you up and you are not accusing him but just want to talk. It is possible that he would never cheat, the same possibility lies with you. You both have cheated, no matter the excuse and you need to ask yourself, “Will I cheat again?” That is your answer if people can change. Please know that you have the right to address this. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man.
I just discovered your site and wanted to ask your opinion on a problem I have been having throughout my relationship with my husband. My husband has a serious addiction to masturbation where he has replaced having a normal sexual relationship with me and masturbating once, sometimes twice a day. I have known this from the beginning but made tons of excuses and expecting for it to magically disappear if only I did something right. We weren't really compatible but my husband claimed he was just stressed from work and things would be different...then it became grad school stress, then marriage, moving in and pregnancies. Whenever I suggested we spend time together I was called selfish and immature. Initiated sex and told I was too aggressive. Eventually I withdrew, became resentful and stopped initiating and lost interest in my husband. Last year I had a three month affair and while I know it was a complete mistake, it made me aware of how miserable I am. My husband and I are still together (not in reconciliation and probably never will and live in limbo until someone gets fed up and leaves) but the situation is utterly dismal. He still continues to masturbate daily and the last time we had sex was a year ago. How am I supposed to deal with this situation aside from divorce? Am I being selfish (as my husband likes to think) for expecting any form of intimacy in my life? Thanks for your time and look forward to hearing from you!
JadedWife


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “JadedWife”,
Being in a marriage isn’t like dating. There are vows and commitments from both parties that should be considered daily. A successful marriage gives reason to continuously fall in love and that starts with communication amongst other avenues a marriage warrants. One lesson leaned here is that if you see a problem early on then you must address it because not addressing it gives an unspoken permission for it to continue or grow into something worse. You said you knew he had this issue from the beginning and you made excuses for it, well now you have had an affair and you say it was a mistake but I often wonder with people that cheat, why not just be a better communicator with the person you love than opening your legs to someone who will just sex you and never love you for who you are? At this point if you want to make this work you may want to consider professional intervention, if you don’t then be the mature adult and say so. Be the adult that should say “I’m not happy and this will never work” and work out a civil way of going your separate ways. As for you expecting any type of intimacy at this point, I think you need to re-evaluate the entire situation. You are guilty of breaking what in many instances are sacred vows, he has been guilty of his disconnection and sexual masturbation from day one and you never addressed it, you publicly accepted it and privately wasn’t happy. When you accept it, he thinks its ok, then all of a sudden, many moons later you have a problem with what was perceived to be normal and he thinks you are selfish. That isn’t right but it is because he thought it was ok because you lacked the will to address honestly how you felt. What happens next depends on how much you want this marriage to work or how much you do not want it to work. Good luck and please keep me posted.  

 Mr. Lover Man,
I have been confused for a long time to why me and my husband sex life is not good anymore, and he blames it all on me that I don't try different things but he doesn't either and the only thing that he considers different is oral sex in which I am game but I am not good at it but I do try. But it is still pleasurable to me not unless am on top and that isn't a vaginal orgasm it's a clitoris one.
I have been getting advances from others guys which turn me on and I don't want to leave my husband for them I just want to be able to enjoy sex as well and I don't know if am thinking the wrong thing or I just need to work harder at my sex life with my husband so confused.
Janet
 
 MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Janet,
There seems to be a lack of effective communication as well as serious attempts to enhance the sexual world you both share and this is on both parties control. I think that you guys need to talk about desires, fantasies and what it is that you both like and work from there. Don’t focus on what you don’t like as much as what you both do like. You may need to work harder on your sex life but so does your husband. Communication is your missing element instead of blaming each other. The common thing is that you both can do more but you won’t know what to do unless you both convey this message. Sit down in a civil manner and express your heart, always praise the good and not only throw the bad at him and it will lead him to do the same. Good luck, please keep me posted.

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WHEN SEX ISNT SEXY

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I always read your postings and I feel like you are the only one that can help me with this. Here it is, my girlfriend was nagging me that she wanted a threesome with me her and another guy. After months, I gave in and decided that I loved her enough to make her happy and give her that fantasy of hers. The problem is that now I feel slightly disgusted with her. I see this over and over how easily she was sexing this guy and how she did everything we do and how she just submitted to him. I don’t feel sexually attracted the same and I do love her but I’m not sexually attracted anymore. What should I do? Thanks ahead of time “Love with no loving”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Love with no loving”,
I wonder if you thought this out clearly before you engaged in this threesome. If this was her sexual fantasy, did you think she wasn’t going to be sexual? I’m sorry to hear that you feel the way you do but many times we don’t think clearly about the things we agree to. You did your girlfriend a gift in making this threesome possible, there is something good in knowing you did that but the concern is the direction of the relationship. With your lack of sexual participation or attraction, this relationship will slowly decline. Does she know how you feel? You must address this issue. You have to be clear and not demeaning. Remember that you also engaged in this act. After expression, I think you should consider professional relationship counseling because sometimes just expressing yourself won’t be so “healing” immediately. You do love her and don’t lose focus on that, do not allow one act to mask the love. Express that this could not happen again because of how you feel, also inject your fantasy. Make this about you both. Do not abandon love for jealousy or uncomfort. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
My relationship has gone from juicy wet to desert dry. I’m not a nag because I know we both work different hours. But we have sex maybe once every week and it’s so quick and not passionate at all. I’m feeling like a quickie and I need more. What can I do about this? We both sleep at different times and when he is off, I’m working and vice versa. We need the money but I need the honey. Talk to me Mr. Lover Man. Thank you “Honey Needed”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Honey Needed”,
Time management is key in this situation. You guys are going to have to sacrifice long sleeps for shorter naps one day a week and in-between that time you can truly tire each other out. There is always time for each other; you just have to alter the comfort schedule. The football games, the night shows, whatever it is that you do in free time has to be sacrificed in order for you both to feel the passion resurfaced. Grab him as he walks in from work. You know what time he gets in, make sure you are up and ready, pin him to the wall and service his body. Kiss him over, touch him how he once loved it. Bring him to life and resurface that passion and make that desert a lake. During intercourse express your approval, tell him how much you miss and need this. Express how much you love to please him, take over and then submit, rock his world and then give him the energy to rock yours. Slowly but surely this will come back if you truly want it. You guys sacrifice for money, now sacrifice for that honey. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
This took me about two weeks to send you this. I am embarrassed about this but I need to get your advice. I have been having problems maintaining an erection. I don’t know what it is. My mind wants sex but my penis isn’t responding. I’m about to get some Viagra off the market, what do you think about that? I have a very understanding wife and she really tries to do anything to help. I please her other ways but I’m not ignorant, we discuss what’s missing. How can I get it back or should I get Viagra? Thank you from “Once Upon A Time”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Once Upon A Time”,
I do want to commend your wife for her loving patience and you must honor her always. However, I don’t doubt your devotion to her. In this society it does take a lot to converse about this let alone admit this is a problem. I’m glad that you did come forward and mention it. It’s the first step to fixing this problem. You should know that one in ten men have erectile dysfunction. 30 million men right now have that issue. You are not alone. Often men camouflage it or refuse to discuss it and kind of just hope it goes away. This adds stress and depression which is reported to be some causes of it initially. There are ways to try and fix this naturally without Viagra. Discuss this plan with your wife; give yourself about 3 weeks of a new diet and exercise. You must maintain a healthy weight. Being overweight, not even being obese, but being overweight can cause it. Neurological damages, arterial damages, and other medical issues can lead to it. Cut out fried foods, inject more fruits and vegetables. A Mediterranean diet is scientifically linked to lessen erectile dysfunction. If you are a smoker, quit today. Yes QUIT! Smokers have a higher chance of erectile dysfunction. Drinking alcohol can add to it. Either drink in slight moderation or cancel it in total. This is your investment for a greater sex life. Not to mention the mental boost you need to tackle your sex life. Follow a healthy diet and join a gym, make it your business to understand that better living health wise will give you the sex drive you either once had or something out of this world that you never had. Remain focused on the goal. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have this concern and I don’t know if I’m over reacting but my boyfriend spends too much time online on porn sites or phone sex texting. I always try to tell him how uncomfortable this makes me feel, is this cheating? He says it isn’t but I don’t get why he has to turn to those things. He says it keeps him creative and gives him ideas for us but I don’t feel like any thing has changed. I’m not getting any benefits. Can you tell me if this is healthy that he does this? And can you say if it is cheating. Thank you.. Not Sure


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Not Sure”,
There are two things going on here, the watching porn can be an issue. However, here are some things to consider, studies show that roughly 15% of about 60 million Americans who log on every day enter a porn site. In psychological studies the problem seems to arise when the individual spends at least 11 hours a week. There becomes a need for this cyber sex or porn sites to inject arousal in ones relationship and that’s not good. Porn can be used to assist or have fun with but when it becomes an addiction, distress follows. The need grows and it can take from his desire of you. This should be addressed in a concerned manner. Express how this makes you feel. Do not approach it in an accusatory manner but in concern. As for whether or not phone text sex and cyber sex is cheating, that’s up to you guys. Some relationships agree to not allow it. I know some that has and they have not issues with it. I think there is something wrong with it and it would be good if he was sex texting you but another person? That concerns me. In your case you are expressing to me a clear case of concern and this is what should be addressed. Do not accept it if you do not like it. One must consider both feelings and you need to feel comfortable in yours and your partner’s sexual world. Right now this isn’t happening and unless addressed accordingly, problems will continue to grow. Take time to relearn each others sexual desires. Take time to dig deep and try to learn something new about self and your partner. Overall you must put your foot down, if you can come to a common ground that’s healthy then that’s ok. If you can’t, then you must make serious decisions. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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WHEN ITS OVER, ITS OVER..

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I always wondered if you break up with someone, should you still try to be their friend? My ex girlfriend wants to be friends but then she is always brings up her broken heart or tries to use sex as a tool to resurface what is dead to me. Maybe I shouldn’t be having the sex with her but she gives it up easily so I just do it. I see this “friends” idea she has is a bad one. Should I keep trying to be her friend? Thanks “Friends”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Friends”
You really are a piece of work; often men like you never cease to amaze me with your rationale with sex. So basic and immature to have sex with her knowing she is emotionally involved, only to immediately cut her off. Your ex girlfriend is having a hard time detaching and shouldn’t be using sex as a tool to keep you guys together because that is just plain stupid. What’s equally stupid is the notion that it is ok to engage in this activity knowing she is hurt and acting desperate. Why don’t you honestly tell her what you feel? Tell her you guys shouldn’t be partaking in any sexual activities and that friendship this soon would not be best until there is a mutual detachment that would make a healthy friendship possible. Many couples try friendships because one party usually can’t detach and desperately needs some form of contact and the other feels sorry and goes along with it. This is not a friendship, it is a pity case. You need to finally step your maturity up and do the right thing by nipping this pity cry in the butt and give her time to heal. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
So I have been dating this guy for a few months and things between us were great. Great conversations, great sex life and we have tons of fun together. He asked me to be exclusive with him which I agreed to be and I couldn't have been happier.
A week after asking me to be exclusive things changed, he doesn't call anymore, I haven't seen him in a month and he keeps making excuses every time I try to visit him. I have texted and emailed him trying to find out what's going on but no straight answers. He keeps saying he is super busy and just don't have the time. He doesn't initiate any communication with me and of course I feel like a fool calling him and texting him to find out what's going on. Why do guys pull this disappearing act? And why can't they be up front with you so you know what's going on and if you should move on.
Should I just assume that it's over between us? What the he'll happened? Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
The disappearing act is always one of the most confusing. It leaves one with questions unanswered and we always want answers, often answers we wish to hear. Some men (people in general) avoid because they aren’t mature enough to be honest. They feel they do not want to bear the responsibility of hurting the person or they just don’t care enough to give the respect warranted. Either way, you have to put yourself first in this situation and detach instead of waiting or trying to force answers by communication. He isn’t making you a priority, and then you need to make him obsolete. You are worth more and deserve better. You did your part and when you thought things were great he disappeared. Two things come to my mind and of course it could be many things but maybe he didn’t see it as good as you and maybe he was just going along with it until he found a way out by avoiding you. The second is maybe he got serious elsewhere and you were a pastime. No one ever wants to hear that but usually a man’s sudden departure and disappearing act is because of those two reasons. Whatever his reason does not matter as much as the fact that you need to put you first and you need to make it better for you. Eliminate contact in full, He doesn’t initiate contact anyway. That’s a clear message that he doesn’t wish to be bothered by you. Don’t focus on why he isn’t upfront. Take his message as a clear one. You deserve more. Good luck and please keep me posted.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Is it possible for someone to not be able to get over their ex after 5 years? My boyfriend had told me he wasn’t over her and was trying to get over her when we first met. We have been together now 5 months and it seems like he still is onto her. Lately he has been texting her, I haven’t stumbled across any warning signs that I know of but I have been feeling second lately. Would you date a person like that? Signed Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Attention… Attention!!! You said you have not stumbled across any warning signs? HELLO!!! He having contact with her as of late and still not being over her is a clear warning sign in itself. You guys have 5 months together and his primary goal seems to be reconciling something with her. This appears to be a clear case of having someone around because he doesn’t want to be alone and you are fitting the bill. You entering this situation was a risk you took, an unhealthy gamble that I would never recommend that. You have invested emotion in a situation where you appear to be the major investor while he is still occupied elsewhere. Once you feel second in your relationship, there is trouble in paradise and you need to communicate these feelings effectively. You have the right to convey this message and let him know what you find unacceptable and in doing so, allow him a moment to express his feelings too. You never know what you may find. Be firm in you stance but do not be too firm as to make this an argument and not conversation. Good luck and keep me posted.
Dear Mr. Lover Man,
How do I heal from a broken relationship when he has someone else and he also lives directly across the street? How can I get over the pain of being cheated on and dumped, but then I see him so happy with her and its not like I deserved it. I thought things were good. I see him all the time. It seems like he isn’t bothered by this at all. He is already with someone else. How do you throw away 3 years? I was just dropped out of nowhere and he is not even taking anything to heart about what we shared together like nothing happened between us at all. I just don't understand how someone can do that, he seems so cold and heartless. Thank you from “Can’t Let Go”.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Can’t Let Go”,
You will never get over the pain because you are fixated on things that do not concern you. So what he got over you quick, so what he moved on. Boo-Hoo. Now are you going to just keep worrying about how he feels or focus on getting over it? It doesn’t feel fair when someone just dumps you but at this point he does not want to be with you and that is a clear message. It is always best to end something that doesn’t work instead of dragging it on. He may or may not be right but he made a choice he felt was best for him and it’s about time you do the same for you. You claim you want to get over it but you’re fixated on him; you need to be fixated on you. You need to realize your worth and you need to surface that. Take time to do things you weren’t able to do with him, find the things you love and engage in them. Stay busy and when thinking of that situation, remind yourself that his selfish inconsiderate self was not worth you time. This is not easy and often we make it harder on self than we should. What makes this particularly complex is the fact that he lives across the street. One thing you are not going to do is move. You are going to live forward and live knowing his decision was the best decision you never had to make. Now you need to make the decision of being better without him because I promise you, you are much better without him. There is no overnight solution here but staying busy and slowly detaching will assist efficiently. He is living his life, not living yours only hurts you. Good luck, please keep me posted.

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TAKING A STAND

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

I need intervention. My husband of 12 years is always talking down to me and now I see that my 10 year old son is emulating his father and isn’t respecting me and I am so tired of it all. I try to put my son in his place but his father doesn’t help and I don’t know what to do. I just wish his father would say something. I feel alone. Help me. Thank you. “Mom with no place”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Mom with no place”,
First thing, your name is a falsehood as you have an integral place in your home and in society. You are the backbone of this country and you need to feel that. There are insensitivities that many people impress upon us and it exists because we have allowed this for too long. I am very sure that this isn’t something that just happened and you have allowed this to fester and grow into what it is today. Can this change? Of course. How will it change? You will take a stand. You will sit your husband down and finally express the truths that your soul hides, you will demand his support, you will inject you authority and you will let him know how much his support means. Express to him how tired you are and that you can not stand for it any longer, even if it means you can’t be in this neglectful relationship. Express your hurt and your expectations. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. After you address your husband, then sit your son down and give him the new rules. You do not allow this behavior again. You impose reactions to his negative actions. You must express your love and how much hurt this is causing. You need to be honest and allow love in communication to save your family. You need to heal from within or you can’t be the backbone that this world needs. I wish the very best for you, please keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I wasn’t gonna even send this but with all this in the media about gay bashing I felt I should anonymously express my situation. I am a closet gay male and where I’m from this is not the most popular thing to be. I tend to pretend I’m not gay because people are not accepting of this lifestyle. I even pick on the gay kids with other bullies so that way they never pick on me. I’m tired and I want to come clean. The truth is I’m scared. I like to read your blog and I see that you are tough. Maybe that’s what I need so I am here. I wish I could just come out and the world was more accepting. I know my mama isn’t gonna be mad because her brother (my uncle) is gay and we love him. My mama is good and I am comfortable telling her but the only reason I haven’t is because it will spread. My mama is the project gossip lady but everyone loves her though. So what should I do? This is my last year in high school, do you think I should just wait and leave high school first? That’s my thought. Thanks for your opinion. Sincerely, “Trapped In The Closet”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Trapped In The Closet”,
I am aware of the horrific events that flood the media. I am glad you allowed that to push you to reach out. We live in a world where there will always be someone who is less than accepting of something we do or who we are at all times. That should never hold us back from being who we are or accomplishing goals of high magnitudes. You are in a situation that either way can be complex for a period of time. One, you can come truthful, release you soul, freely allow the world to know who you are truly and detach from those that are not willing to accept who you are because they are not good people. Not good enough to embrace people for whom they are and you do NOT need people like that in you life. You can opt for number two and that is to keep this a secret and live a lie, be a fraud, live in fear, walk on eggshells, help pick on people who need you, hang out with lame ass idiots who aren’t good friends and keep you soul imprisoned. You need to want to live free. People have died so you can make this a way of life. You have the right to exist freely. You need to see a school guidance counselor and dean before coming out, express your concerns and inform them of the activities going on. You can use this moment as a ground breaking moment. Be the change you want your school and world to have. You want to live free then step forward. You want to feel safe, then keep yourself circled with true people that are not ignorant and accept you as who you are. You want to counter the negativity you have spilled while cowardly hiding in your own prison, then make a pact and apologize. This must come from you. You have the power to be better and in doing so, empowering others to be better. Please live free. Good luck and please keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I don’t know what it is about me but I am always the overlooked one of all my friends. I feel inferior and inadequate when we go out like if no one will pay me any attention and that usually ends up being the case. What can I do to shake this feeling? Thanks ahead of time “Invisible Man”
MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Invisible Man”,
The biggest reason is you. There comes a time when you have to lean who you are and that means the best you. The best you can stand in a crown with the best them. Anytime and always, but I do not know the best you because you effuse to let it surface. If you feel inferior then you will be inferior, if you feel inadequate then that is who you will be. How you feel seeps out your pores and is felt by others and if you don’t value yourself no one else will. You need to lean you, there is something great within and only you can let that free. You will be stuck and paralyzed to this feeling because you give it power. What are you going to do? What do you really want? Do you want to cry and wine and hope attention just falls in your lap or are you going to take control of the situation by taking control of your life? Those individuals are not better than you, the only thing is they know that no one is better than them so thy show it. No get up and show it. Good luck and keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m in a verbally abusive relationship. I know I deserve more (I read your blogs all the time) but the thing is my family loves my man. My friends think he is wonderful and I feel like he won over my entire circle. I want to go to someone but I feel like all my friends are now his friends and my family would take his side. Who do I run to? I can’t take it anymore. Help “Who Do I Trust”


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “Who Do I Trust”,
This is not a situation that is comforting, yet, neither is being the recipient of verbal abuse. You are not with this guy to please your family and friends, if they want him so much let them date him. You need to come forward because verbal abuse often leads to physical abuse and honestly, even if it doesn’t, it is still unhealthy, demeaning and unwarranted to receive this treatment. You need to start with your family. You will be surprised at how at times something like this can bring the bond back. You can’t battle this alone. Come forward and after going to family, you need to detach and depart from your abuser. Staying there gives him the power to keep you an emotional captive and forces you to be his verbal punching bag. Only you can make this change. Your friends are the least of the three concerns you express but ultimately express to them who this actor is, who this man is in front of them isn’t who he is when doors are closed. Your true friends will stand by your side, the frauds wont and you can charge eliminating the frauds to this experience. Communicate effectively to your family, friends and your abuser. Take a stand; let him know how this made you felt and why you won’t stand for it anymore. Do so with your family present, show your abuser force. Show him you are not alone and deny him any rationale for his actions. Nothing justifies this. Good luck and please keep me posted.

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