UNACCEPTING ROLES: USED AND ABUSED

Mr. Lover Man,

I have been dating this girl for about 3 weeks, the problem is she is sexually active with another man and I don’t know where we stand. I really like her but we haven’t had sex and I’m wondering if its because of the other guy. I don’t know what to do as far as stepping my game up because I feel second to this dude. What do you suggest?
2nd to None


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear 2nd to None,
Well, you obviously are feeling the right thing. You ARE second to this other guy and you have to ask yourself if you are willing to accept this role. Do not mislead yourself about your position, use communication to find out how she sees you. Do not assume that you are in a competition because you could be used for a certain purpose. Maybe she likes your company and doesn’t have the sexual attraction and gets sexed heavily by this other guy to compensate for what she will not let you do. You need to see the situation for what it is, you need to communicate how you feel and see how she feels. You are in a situation knowingly she is being sexed by another man, so ask yourself this, what’s your worth? She seems content with having her two company keepers, you just aren’t the sex guy. Find out where you stand. Good luck. Please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I’m dealing with this female who seems to hit me up only when other situations seem to fail for her. Like a dummy I’m always giving in. I like her a lot and I kinda wish she would she that I’m a good man, not just a dude when she is down. How can I change this and make her realize I’m not like those people that see her for her physical looks and then dump her? Hope this don’t be sounding pathetic, just asking some real stuff. Thanks
Anonymous Male


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous Male,
This situation is a real tough one. She obviously does not care for your feelings as much as you do hers and probably never will with her selfish ass. She attracts a certain type of man that is not happy with her for more than a moment and you are her moment. You are the pillow, the consoling shoulder, the back-up plan, the rebound, the temporary fix and you need to stand tall and ask yourself how content are you with never being “The One:” Do NOT live on hope, live with fact, she doesn’t seem to have that one vision one day that says “wow I think this guy is the one” because you have accepted the role she gave you. You have given her more power than she deserves and you are misleading yourself thinking you can change this. Express yourself honestly, the one thing you own is how you feel so express that. You owe it to yourself to be honest and stop allowing yourself to be used. Good Luck and please keep me posted.


Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Me and my boyfriend broke up and are now working it out. My problem is when we broke up he was having sex with this girl we know and now that we are back together they remained friends. Should I be concerned with this? I see their interaction on a social site (Twitter) and they get flirtatious. She even comments on his penis size and about him coming over or her going out with him. I am very un comfortable with this and feel disrespected. How should I approach this?
Natasha


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Natasha,
This could be a serious problem, it could also be nothing more than silly fun. I’m gambling on it being a serious problem. You have stake in this relationship and have the right to voice your opinion. One thing I ask is that you evaluate your actions as well and if you do not partake in this type of activity than strongly express yourself. If you do, then you should be willing to ease up as well. The fact that they were sexual during your break-up and continue to have a dialogue of such content while you are working things out worries me in the sense that maybe he isn’t as serious about working it out as you are. I could be wrong and this could be innocent flirting, but the sexual history suggests otherwise. You need to approach this with a clear head and not emotionally charged. Point out things that bother you and what you think is disrespectful and unacceptable. You have that right as someone emotionally invested here. However, listen to him, hear him out, maybe he will be understanding. Do NOT be accusatory but be honest. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I really messed up here and I need real true advice. I am sleeping with my friends man and I’m falling in love with him. It started as a three-some and he was on some other level stuff that made my body feel things that it never felt. So one day he asks me if he can give me special attention one time because he didn’t feel that he gave me enough and I just had to know what this meant because if the attention he gave me was that good, I can only fantasize about how it would be alone. It was something ill remember, at times he slacks now but I am falling in love with him and its beginning to hurt me to see him and my friend happy. If they break-up is it ok for me to snatch him up and how long should I wait? “The Mona Lisa”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear “The Mona Lisa”
This disturbs me and disgusts me. You use the word friend as if you have a clear understanding of what that means. Nonetheless, we will get to your issue in a minute. Lets evaluate some things here, you selfishly disrespected your “friendship” for sexual pleasure and have the nerve to say you are falling in love with your “friends” man and actually are hoping for their demise so your selfish ass can move on in? Did you even read what you emailed me? This is wrong 100% and you need to really do some serious soul searching. Do you realize that you entered this “relationship” with this dude as a sexual object and most of the time (almost always) when this happens, it never evolves long term, if so it fails ultimately. You are hoping for their demise for your pleasure and this is wrong. So to honestly answer your questions, it really isn’t healthy to “snatch him up” when they break-up if you really expect to keep this friendship even though you do not deserve it. The guy is sexing you both and you expect him to take you serious? What idiotic line made you come to that conclusion? I wish you the best of luck and that doesn’t mean continuing to backstab your “friend”. Take care, please let me know how this unfolds.

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MISLEADERS, CHEATERS AND DECEIVERS

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

Do all men have to always cheat? It seems like every time I fall for a guy he goes and does something really stupid like cheating. I really don’t think good men exist, so should I accept that all men cheat and just keep the relationship going?
Frustrated


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Frustrated
First thing, all men do NOT cheat. Your attracting a series of lame dudes does not constitute a law of all men cheating. There are good men out there and in achieving this acquisition of a good man, one must want it so much that they improve self. A good man knows his worth and will not settle for the unmotivated, dependent woman who does not see things as is. Your constant pairing of cheating, lame men can tell a bit about you. We attract a certain type of person in our lives by our actions and words. We can be duped once by someone and it does hurt but to say every man you encounter has cheated on you tells us that the one constant in that situation is you. You need to analyze the role you play in this and then do something about it to make your self happier. You should experience a real man in your life, it is not a mythological creature, we really do exist. Never accept a man that cheats on you, no one slips, no one makes that as a mistake, no one who does it loves you as much as you think, You must put you first and take control. Know your inner worth, know you power, know love and stand for better. Good luck with everything.


Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I love my husband but I found that I am also in love with an other man that I didn’t want to be in love with. He is so charming, so handsome in a rugged way and knows how to touch me. I don’t want to leave my husband but is it possible that I can be happy loving these two men. They don’t know about each other but I can make sure they wont. Please tell me this will work. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Interesting that you want to deceive these men and you talk about love when you speak of your connection with them. I don’t know that you know what love truly is. These acts of deceit will not only leave you empty but will ultimately leave these two men you claim to love heartbroken. The test of how much you love these men is coming clean to save them from this devastating situation you forced them in. Think of the hearts of the men you claim to love. Park your selfishness on the corner and be a responsible adult. Good luck.




Mr. Lover Man,
I know cheating is not good, but my girl annoys me at times. I’m going to keep it real, if it wasn’t for my daughter I would have been got up out of here. She spends more time flirting with dudes online than she does giving any physical pleasure here. I feel like I’m just some random man that happens to share a child with her. Now I have been getting a lot of attention from women and I have been a faithful man for the 4 years I have been with her but I’m not trying to take from my life if another woman makes me feel like I’m somebody again. I am planning to cheat and I just want to know what would you do?
John (Not real name)


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear John
John, you have to communicate these feelings with your girlfriend. You must make your voice heard before you do something you can not take back. What she is doing is hurting you and you need to say something. She is caught up in this false internet world where people are a picture (often not present or real or they are touched up to cover truths) and a story which isn’t real. She is giving attention elsewhere and you need to express how it makes you feel. Her focus on these men could be due to many reasons, one could be her seeking validation from people which can be sad. One could be that she is not into the relationship anymore as well which can make this expression of your stance that much easier. Now the main thing here is your daughter and what happens when this conversation takes place. Have a civil conversation, you both should know exactly what will work and how to make this transition easiest for the child. However, staying together for the child is very unhealthy. The negative vibes, the bickering, the silence, the arguing, all these things will affect your precious daughter. I think cheating is a cowardly, selfish act and responsible adults address issues before assuming selfish acts. Be strong, stand above your situations and express yourself honestly. Good luck and please let me know how this unfolds.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am scared and I don’t know what to do. I have cheated on my husband with a man that I thought was a sweetheart. He came to see me, went out his way, always thought he was so sexy. So many women want him and yet he chose me and that made me feel so special. I wasn’t very active with my husband because our work schedules conflict and I needed it so badly. I felt celibate and we were drinking and things happened. We continued to do this for 2 months, and wasn’t active with my husband at all, Now I went to the doctor and have contracted two std’s and it was from this guy. He is so sexy and healthy looking and it has to be him because I never cheated any other time. My husband is clean, I checked his record. I am terrified to tell my husband, the house, the car and everything is in his name. I’m afraid to hurt him and to be with nothing. What do I do?
Jen


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Jen
First I want to say that a part of me is sorry for you contracting the diseases you did from your cheating ways, but that’s only part of me. It saddens me that your husband has to suffer this because of your selfish disgusting acts. Now this is all going to sound cruel but it isn’t, what you did was cruel, inconsiderate, unsafe and selfish. You should have been mature enough to express your sexual concerns with your husband, you should have been adult enough to assume your role in a relationship as stand by your vows. Your selfishness led to your compromised health. Your search to feel special and your honoring of this man that gave you the std’s you now any possibly forever will carry is sad in itself. There seems to be a stronger concern about being without than about the love for your husband which also tells of your character. You need to seek professional help and try to sort out some things to ride the road to a better you. I fear you have not learned your lesson and if not for these std’s you would not give a rats ass about your husband. The honorable thing to do is come clean to your husband for he is the innocent victim here. Sit him down and whatever you do, do NOT have sex with your husband and risk giving him your diseases. Communication is always the strongest component in any relationship, without it all else collapses. I wish you the best and please learn from this.

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THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UNSURE

DEAR MR. LOVER MAN,I’m in a relationship with my woman and we are 4 hours apart. We only see each other every other weekend, sometimes we squeeze in an extra weekend here or there and its been 6 months and I am in love, so is she. Is this a relationship that can make it? Because I sometimes find myself wanting her all the time and I have to wait. Thank you from Long Distance Lover


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Long Distance Lover,
Your concern is one I find to be the norm when engaging in a long distance relationship. You want to know if I think that your relationship can make it? Of course I do, I believe love and io mean true love, has no time nor distance for existence. Some ways to make this work better is to find out what the goal is, are you guys willing to move closer, move together, is there a timeframe for that if so? These answers can give something strong to look forward to. The time you spend together must mean a lot. Express that every time you are not together, show appreciation and support. It isn’t easy for her too I’m sure. Do different things, make it more fun, ease the feelings of time apart. Skype when you can, sent letters, do not only rely on technology, become creative in expressing love. The real question here is how bad do you want this relationship to make it? True love can not be damaged by distance or time, true love will find a way until you both physically find a way. Good luck with everything, Let me know how it goes as time continues.


Dear Mr. Lover Man, I need help. I am in a bad relationship and I know its bad. We are at the end and I want to know how do you get over someone you love when they do not love you the same? Thanks, “Hard to Let Go”

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Hard to Let Go,
First thing you should know is that it is not about the other person and as long as you focus on the other person, you have given more power than you should to them and not enough to for you to heal. How do you feel about yourself, what’s your self-worth to you, do you feel good about yourself? You have to be willing to embrace that YOU are the most important person in your world and that your happiness is more important than how the other person feels. Now let me ask you this, why is it important how this person feels about you if its over? Letting go isn’t easy, but it is needed, especially when you have nothing to fight for. It is un fortunate when love fizzles, fades or doesn’t exist and one party wants so much more than the other because they tend to mislead themselves about the situation and get mad at the other person for not feeling the same. You have to be more mature and stand tall. Love yourself more than your situation and know you are great. In a perfect world, love with be equally shared amongst two people but that is not going to be the case, one must learn to love unselfishly and not expect so much. Love freely and heal within. Never settle for anything less than what you are willing to give. Desire to love unselfishly and achieve it. You will encounter a greater love. Good luck and please keep me posted.


Ask Mr. Lover Man, I want to know if I should you tell my good friend that I am falling in love with her? I am feeling like she is the one. Thank you for your time. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
This is not a yes or no answer type of question. Lets try to analyze what could happen and how strong is this friendship. The important thing here is the friendship, you knowing the person she is and if this confession will not hurt the friendship and you truly love her than I say take a chance but one must feel more confident in this choice. What do you hope to achieve from this? Be realistic with your thoughts and assess what the situation really is. Do NOT mislead yourself. If you are not sure she will accept this then say it indirectly, tell her about a “dream” you had. Tell her how much she means to you without creeping her out. This has to be about the friendship first if the friendship really means anything to you. If she isn’t comfortable with this confession you risk the chance of altering the friendship for the worst but if she is understanding then nothing gets worse, it may just be different for a little while. How comfortable are you with possible rejection? How comfortable are you with this friendship remaining the same despite your confession? These questions need to be asked when choosing. I say go for it, let it be known how you feel. The one thing you own in any relationship is how you feel. Just don’t be imposing about it, be honest without expectation. Tell her because you want her to know and not because you expect her to say the same. Good luck with that, send me a follow up email.





Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I am in a loving relationship, but my boyfriend is upset that we don't have sex as often as he'd like. I love having sex with him, but he's quick and there is no foreplay. He is not as big as I'd like but I've love the orgasms when I do have them. What can we do to make things better? Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
Communication will guide you through. Make him aware in a nice way the importance of foreplay for you, you can implement some foreplay, leading him into the action, play with yourself and ask him to help you without him using his man tool. Allow him to explore your body with you and do not let him leave that practice, express the joys of it, let his exploring be acknowledged with pleasure. Teach him your body other than your vagina. As for his size, you can teach him positions that will allow you to feel him more, you can add toys to your sexual appetite with him, Giving him the honor of pleasing you nonetheless. You have to find a way to grow sexually with him, don’t expect him to just wake up and make moves he didn’t do before. It doesn’t work that way as men are often creatures of habit. Give him new habits, he is used to it a certain way, break that way and kearn ways you both will love. Every sexual act wont be amazing, take some time to find amazing all the time. As for his releasing a bit too soon, you can help him with that too. Grab him and stroke him, ask him to inform you when he is almost there, the release him, give him time to desensitize and stroke again, do so orally and learn to do so vaginally. These practices will help him to last longer in time. Working together and communicating about what works and what doesn’t will get you both to the point where sex is nothing short of amazing. Good luck with everything.

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WHEN CONFUSION AND SEX MEET

Dear Mr. Lover Man,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for roughly half a year. We became sexually involved about 3 weeks ago. My problem here is that he won't go down me. If I touch myself I can put my fingers in his mouth and he will lick it clean so I can say the taste can't be a problem. He is a good man and I can feel the love he displays but he just hasn't went down on me. He always wants me to give him oral. I assumed he should return the favor but I don't know why he won't go down on me. Please tell me something. I'm too embarrassed to ask why. Sincerely, What about me.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "What About Me"
I don't know if I can stress enough that communication is key. Your embarrassment is understandable if this conversation has not ever taken place. However, he is very comfortable with you shoving his manhood in your mouth so I'm very sure that the conversation of reciprocation should not be anything of insult. You have to address the curiosity and the pleasures you have heard of or witnessed, you must address how important that would mean to you and how hot you get when you think of him servicing you in such a way. The trick is to lure him into it with honesty. This is what you want and you will not get it by sitting quiet. The taste doesn't appear to be an issue but maybe he is worried that he wouldn't perform well. This could be a learning experience for you both, something you can grow together with and enhance the sex life tenfold. Communicate and express the level of heat it will bring to your bedroom (and anywhere else) activities. Good luck with that.


To Mr. lover Man,
My boyfriend can get on my nerves when it comes to anal sex, I mean I do it for him because he likes it and when I see it on TV I really like it but he does it so rough and hard and I'm always in pain and he has a piercing that has made me bleed twice and when I ask him to remove it or be gentle he doesn't. He says that its selfish for me to ask him to remove his piercing or change how he has sex and that he really loves me. Am I really being selfish? Truly, Pain is not pleasure


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Pain is not pleasure"
For the record you are not being selfish whatsoever, as a matter of fact you are being victimized. Unfortunately you are sleeping with someone who is even a huge idiot. I have to say that in honesty, one who compromises their physical, mental or emotional health to abuse to please such an inconsiderate asshole, you fall into the category which I mention. You have been disrespected, violated, and then told in some lame reverse psychological tactic that a 7 year old can figure out that YOU are being selfish. You need to seek help for your role in tolerating such a perverse act. You also need to consider how could someone who purposely inflicts physical and emotional harm to you for his sick psychological pleasures be worth remaining in a relationship with. Love doesn't hurt and these acts are not filled with love. Please consider seeking professional help, look into asserting yourself as this feels borderline criminal. Also re-evaluate why you are even in this situation because I have a bad feeling you should run. Please keep me posted.


Dear Dear Mr. Lover Man
I am shy in person but I love knowing that men see pictures of me in sexual poses and then getting their feedback as to how much I turn them on and what they want to do to me. I'm in a very loving relationship, is it bad that I want other men lusting over me? Is this cheating? Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Anonymous"
Let me state that it is not up to me to determine if this act is cheating but up to a united decision by you and your partner. How would you feel if this was in reverse or even if he was stripping for women without you there and they were lusting over him? I don't know what to say because that's an individualized agreement between two parties. However, as for your "I'm shy but want men lusting my pics and expressing themselves" I see someone seeking validation for one or some of many reasons, one can be the lack of it at some important phase of life, it could be a sexual desire that you have to have multiple men and this is a way of psychologically fulfilling that. Many reasons have been known to answer why you are so into this. Is this a bad thing? I do not believe this to be a bad thing but then again I am not the man you are in a relationship with. I think it is perfectly fine and should be surfaced honestly. You should bring it up that you wanted to send pics to your partner and to have him\her show them to someone to see what they think and to have him report it back to you. Give him a role and maybe this will work. Men tend to show pics more often of their partner than women do anyway. Good luck with that. Keep me posted.




Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I have been dating this guy for a few months (3-4) now and the sex is as strong as the relationship. Last night he asked me something that left me bewildered. He wants me to have a threesome with him and his best friend who is a guy. Being that this is his best friend, I feel a bit weird, what if we are permanent and I have to see this best friend all the time? Wouldn't that be completely weird and awkward and uncomfortable? He tells me that you live once and should try it but I am not sure about it. It seems weird that he is ok with watching his best friend do things with his girl. He says him and his best friend have been talking about it for a couple weeks. I'm curious and afraid at the same time. I'm not sure what to do. Confused


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear "Confused"
This seems like you both are on two different pages about what this "relationship" really is. You state a few key things that grab my eye. You have been dating 3-4 months but him and his best friend have been having this conversation for a few weeks. This leads me to believe that early on he had this planned out with his friend and waited until you were more emotionally attached and would contemplate doing this (as it appears to be true now). Also, you made a statement about you worry about what if this "relationship" becomes permanent, trust me "Confused" this will not be permanent. In such a short period of time for him and his best friend to have this plan without you having knowledge of it sounds like a threesome that they are going to love and brag about. You need to only commit yourself to acts that YOU want to do and YOU feel comfortable with and I clearly don't get that vibe from you. tell him no, tell him you are not comfortable and see how or if this "relationship" changes. If so then you know I was right, if not then at least in another time period much longer than the time you have been involved, you can entertain the thought. Do NOT mislead yourself ever about what a relationship is. Good luck. Please keep me posted.

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HEARTBREAK AND DECISIONS TO MAKE

Help me Mr. Lover Man ,

I was dating this guy for about 2 years, one of those years he was with his ex but he was unhappy, he got me pregnant in that first year but we grew closer and eventually got together and he left her. Now we have a 6 month old daughter and all of a sudden he wants to go back to his ex and I’m not happy because I’m not letting him bring her around my daughter at all. He tells me if I don’t let him have his daughter when he wants her he ain’t gonna help out with the money I need for her. I don’t want to go through child support because he said that he wont give no more money or help other than child support if I file. I am struggling and really don’t know what to do. I want to know why he left me to go back to her if he wasn’t happy. I don’t want that bitch (excuse my language) near my child and even though he said she wont be, I don’t believe him cause they living together again. I feel like he still was with her the whole time we was together cause how could he just want to go back like that? Help me please.
Thanks, Confused and Alone


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Confused and Alone,
This is a classic case of the “side piece” thinking she got a promotion until reality hit. Entering this situation, you were the other woman, the side piece, the runner up, the less respected, the sexually experimented, the option not the priority, the back up singer, the existent when it was time to be used (doesn’t sit well? Good, that is what harsh reality does). In your own world you led yourself (with his lying help) to believe that paradise awaited the moment he left her for you. You went for this ever so popular lame story and although a part of me wants to feel sorry for you, but, you did put yourself in a relationship with a man in a relationship. You have to accept that this is a fault of your own. With that being said, lets address your questions, I want to start off by saying that you NEED to file for child support to ensure the fact that your daughter has a second financial support system, as she should. This is not about you whatsoever, this is about the life you both made in the course of him cheating on his girlfriend with you. As for you not wanting her around your daughter, I would be able to appreciate this sentiment if I believed that this was in protection of your daughter more so than the jealousy of her having him. He needs to be in his daughter’s life. Your unwillingness to do so because of your insecurity of her being next to your daughter is juvenile at best. One day you will move on and you may have a situation where a man will be a part of your daughter’s life, should your daughter’s father ban that forever? This is a game that should not exist. His willingness to be there for his daughter should be honored because you are not the only maker and parent. Now he isn’t no saint here, that idiot cheated, lied and now is trying to use his manipulation to have his daughter as see fit to himself. You both need to either sit down as adults and work out time for your daughters needs, or settle this in family court. Either way it has to be done with your daughter’s best interest at heart and not about the lies you both lived. As for him going back to her, well what did you expect? You were the shoulder to lean on, the side piece, and very rarely and I mean very rarely does that amount to more than what it was during the time you were the side piece. You deserve to be someone number one but you need to know your value first. You need to love yourself more than your situation. Take time to focus on yourself within and your daughter. Do not seek out for him other than your daughter’s father because he will never be more to you. Good luck and please let me know how this plays out. I wish you the best.


Mr. Lover Man, Mr. Lover Man,


My husband of 20 years and who is 45 years old left me a year ago for a woman half our age (I am 44 years old). I am suffering inside and our daughter and my friends say I should just go out and move on. I don’t know how. How do I throw 20 years away just like he did? I am a very good looking woman for my age or any age at if I must say. I am a fitness instructor and nutritionist and I have spent my life in good health and here I am with a torn heart and no way of healing it. It bothers me that he left me for what I believe to be a trophy, he is a very good looking man and I can see why she would want my husband but he threw away 20 yrs of marriage and I have this feeling like I’m frozen in hurt and the world is moving forward without me. Is it too soon for me to get over it and are my friends and 18 year old daughter being irrational to think I should go out so soon? Thank you in advance to your insight. Sincerely, Lost in Transition


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Lost in Transition,
This is a heartbreaking situation but not a life ending one. There could be many reasons why an idiot, I mean a person leaves their situation. I don’t know if any fit this here but men have left for younger women to try and defy the feeling of age and to relive youth they are afraid they lost or are losing. Maybe there was a sense of unhappiness not communicated, maybe he grew apart and you didn’t realize it. None of these soften the blow of departure after 20 years but maybe can shed a little bit of light. I can understand how painful this is for you and I do want to say that although your friends and daughter’s advice is in your best interest, you have to find healing within. You may need a professionals assistance in order to ease this transition. There comes a point where his reasons for leaving may make you think it helps but doesn’t. You need to focus on more of you and less of him, you need to find a way to realize the gift you are. I do not expect you to get over anything in a certain time period but be willing to want to get over it. Do not sulk in sorrow purposely. Your 20 years of marriage and your young age of 44 are not symbols of failure but symbols of the opposite. You must keep the good memories and remember that the best thing about memories is making new ones. Life awaits you when you are ready to grab it by the horns. Flaunt your stuff, wear your intellect, embrace your value, stand tall and never give up on love. You are still in a position to wear happiness on a daily basis. You are not expected to give up your memories but should be willing to make new ones. The story of your life has not ended, a new chapter has begun. This may be the chapter of surprise and new additions that you need to spice up life. Do not walk with gloom, walk knowing how wonderful you are. I wish you the best, please keep me posted on how life treats you.



DEAR MR. LOVER MAN,
I saw your face book posting about not spending child support money on yourself. I don’t see why not? Let me tell you that it is hard to raise kids (I have 3 and my 3 deadbeat baby fathers child support don’t cut it) so when I feel the need to treat myself for my hard work to raise my kids (7, 5,and 2) I do so. It isn’t like their fathers are going to treat me. I need a moment to myself and if I need the money to get a night out, its not like me using that money is gonna make my kids starve. They are fed, clothed and clean all the time. You are a man so you do not know what its like to have to go through what I go through raising three kids when their fathers do not help at all other than their child support. I need someone to who is going to be there to get them dressed in the morning, help make them dinner, take them to school, be the male role model they need. Child support does not do that, so if I choose to use the extra money for myself then its all good because I make sure they are well fed. Anonymous


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous,
How is this even real? Did you not read what you wrote before you sent it? Do you not understand the concept of “child” support? Let me start off saying that the purpose for child support is solely support for your child. Not for you to treat yourself for doing what you are supposed to do. You say its hard raising three kids, well that I’m sure it is, but was it so hard to put on a condom those three times? You made decisions you must stick out. You have mothered three kids with three men who refuse to be anything more than a paycheck for your kids and I despise men like that. That’s a disgusting act, just as it is to spend your children’s money as some form of reward for doing what you are supposed to do as a parent. The reward for parenting is parenting. Parenting is a gift, a beauty, a true loving part of life. The reward for working hard for your kids is having great children, not spending their money to treat yourself. Your kids do NOT owe you anything for being a mother. You state how well your kids are off but let me tell you, the “extra” money that is theirs should be banked and saved for college or a rainy day for them. I hope that the usage of their “extra” money for you does not bite you in the ass one day. You also made the claim of wanting a man to help take your kids to school, cook and etc., well you need to find out why it is you attract the type of man you do. Three kids from three deadbeats all in the same age range (7,5 and 2) is a concern. You should see a professional early on and this could prevent any affect it may have on the children. Your gender based comment about me being a man and not understanding would normally fall on deaf ears as it is not only childish but beyond absurd but I will say that I do understand because as a parent, as a professional, as a man and humanitarian of people, it isn’t about gender in your case, its about decisions one makes. You need to own up to those decisions in order to make better decisions and be able to prosper in life. I wish you the best.


To Mr. Lover Man,
I have a problem but before I put it out there I don’t want you to think I am a player because I am not. I really like these two girls I’m dealing with and I really am having a hard time choosing one over the other. One of them is dating another guy and that bothers me but I don’t say nothing because so am I. I’m trying to be fair about that. The other girl does not know but the one dating does. I don’t know who to choose, they both are knock outs and both in college, both have good jobs and both make me happy. The thing is one makes me happy for different reasons than the other and I feel like if they were put together then I would have the perfect girl for me. I just don’t want to hurt any of them and I know if I don’t choose, this is going to turn out bad for me. How do I go about this? Thanks, Threes a crowd.


MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Threes a crowd,
This is a situation that is sensitive and must be dealt with honesty. Sadly, if the women whom are involved are into you as you claim to be into them, this will lead to someone being hurt. It isn’t fair to the one that isn’t aware that this is happening, especially if you are misleading her to believe other wise. People want at some point in their lives to be exclusive, to be the one and only and I don’t know the women’s intention but I do know you claim that one is dating another. Is she ready to give that up for you? Is she ready to make a choice? You seem to be under the impression that you choosing solves all issues and it doesn’t. What would the other one choose if she knew the situation you placed her in? The risk of std exposure as you are dating another who is dating another. Do you think about other than yourself? If you believe these women value you and these women are of value to you, then you need to come clean. You stated that you are trying to be fair about this and yet you haven’t indicated how you are doing so because I do not see that, nonetheless, there are other parties involved, sit and communicate with them individually. Find out their position, come clean, assert yourself and you reasoning, be sincere and honest. Wish you luck, and please keep me posted.

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TROUBLE IN PARADISE

Dearest Mr. Lover Man,
Have you addressed the cougar issue yet? (I'm 40 in. My boyfriend is 25, 26 in May) It was just a fling (booty call, whatever) from April 09 - Nov 09, then in December, things started to change....
I'm divorced. I tried to discourage this dude, (we broke it off several times in between) I didn't want a fling but he was irresistible and amazing in bed. I'm sooooo attracted to him, but I don't want to steal his youth. I don't want anymore kids (I have 3) I don't want to get married again, at least that's how I feel right now. But he kept coming back......
I'm so insecure about my body. I didn't snap back after the kids and gained weight. My belly is a monstrosity (I'm not exaggerating) He says I'm worrying about the wrong things...but he has the perfect body and youth on his side...
I'm trying to just relax, go with the flow and enjoy my life, with him. But I'm an Aquarian and I love hard. My feelings are INTENSE...
Btw, did I say that he's now living with me?
I don't really have a question, other than why a young guy would want to be with an older woman, body not so banging, 3 kids etc rather than be with a girl his own age, perfect body, etc.... (ok, so it was a question, lol)
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this...
Anonymous

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Anonymous
I want to applaud your younger man for his words to you of encouragement and of empowerment. Now as for the “cougar” issue which I must say I do not consider you one but for arguments sake that’s what we will go with.
Sometimes there are different agendas for younger men with older women, on the men’s perspective there is this motherly sense that gives a loving warmth that women younger or of age do not actually give as often. it’s a psychological component that gives a different attraction. There are the men that look this as a sense of accomplishment and thrill, the older woman gives different conversation, often different sex (many view better) and different views of life. This can become magnetic but doesn’t always become the case. Then there are cases of individuality where the man actually acknowledges the woman’s great values, great sense of humor, compassionate and loving sides and sees her exactly for who she is and the age is not relevant because she is relevant and I have a good feeling that is where your young cub falls in. As for the mention of your not perfect body, well I see a lot less perfect than perfect (if that even exist) and so many men appreciate the “normal” woman more so than believed. Work on making yourself either come to terms with your natural beauty or you can join a gym or work from home. These boost morale and will add drive to your young pups already blossoming drive. Do not seek for the negative answer only because even if it doesn’t exist, you will find it. Situations don’t always go as planned, so your fling progressed against rule and often happens. Embrace his views, converse with him about his decisions and don’t question them often in doubt or negativity. Honor his words as he seems to honor you. I wish you both the best. Please keep me posted on this.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I'd love to know what you think about this:
I'm married. We've had our ups and downs in the past - it was always something I felt we'd overcome and that our love and respect of one another would win out in the end - I was always very confident in our relationship. Until we moved out of state - just to do something different. Once we got there, it was very difficult to find employment for me - he transferred his job - I started school instead and began to fit into our new life - he was working over night. We had a neighbor that I considered a friend after a while - she was a few years younger than we were, single mom who lived home with her mother and brother. We'd share clothes, she gave me a few items - even exchanged Christmas gifts and helped me out a lot with things in a new city - I helped her with school - she would even have dinner with us. Every now and then we'd giver her rides home from work, she didn't have a car - either I or my husband would take her/pick her up - when I noticed that he was giving her rides more and more often - Other times I would leave class early to come home and see him on her front stoop - looking stupid when I'd pull up... Long story short, he had an affair with her - not just sex, but a relationship behind my back. I confronted him when he thought I had concrete evidence, and he finally admitted it a year and a half later. Ripped my world apart. I wanted to die. I remember sobbing on the bathroom floor - curled up in a ball and my then 13 year old son comforting me and reassuring me that it was not my fault... I'm still hurt and this was in 2008! Shortly after that revelation, he fell asleep in bed with his cell phone - I was awakened by his phone vibrating - I picked it up and read a text from another female! He denied, then finally admitted they'd been 'talking' but nothing more developed - which may be true, but where would it have gone if I hadn't caught him? I kicked him out - He basically begged me back, I accepted him back - but then after a while he got this cocky type attitude and expected me to just get over it! During that rocky patch I began welcoming the attention from other men - never strayed, just flirted - enjoyed the attention - I mean, I felt fat and ugly before - was losing weight by then. Anyhow, I slowly began losing weight, and paying closer attention to my looks - his jealousy raged! He became smothering and anxious. I threatened to end things with him if he didn't lighten up - so he did - after a few days @ his mothers. So now, we are going pretty smooth - I'm working again but he isn't which leaves him with a LOT of free time and I notice he is always on the computer - clears his browsing history, has a large amount of local ladies as friends on Facebook, etc. I am very uncomfortable, I think he may be up to something... He has moments where he acts as if he is exasperated with me or something, then other times I'm the love of his life. He still snoops on me - reads emails, etc. I'm not doing anything, he can trust me, but seems to feel he can't he's always been that way. I guess my question is: Do you think (in your humble/professional opinion) that he is still straying? Am I a dummy for staying? For the record - I didn't leave then mainly because I wasn't employed (except for a few graphic design jobs) and we have 4 kids (5-16) -things have changed and I could pretty much do it on my own if need be. There are times I seriously consider walking away - but I have children to think about. Not quite sure what to do. I love him, but I'm not happy.
Any input would be greatly appreciated!
Thanks in advance
Truth {♥}

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Truth,
This saddens me because there is so much in play with your four children risking being exposed if they haven’t been already. They are brighter than we imagine and ever more observant. I hate to see a family dismantled and separated but there are instances where the inner health of the parents are most vital for the health of the children. How much unhappiness is flowing in the air at home and how does this affect the children?
There is always hope for change but I think the scars run so deep that it would take some therapy sessions to assist in healing. Even if the decision to separate is made, you should consider therapy for the trust issues that has become tangible due to his cheating ways. The victimizer always expects the victim to just get over it and that’s because they do not whatsoever understand the pain and hurt in lies, cheating and deceit. They often run and evade from embracing their hurtful positions and wish you get over it so they wont feel like the bad guy. It isn’t so much for you to move on but for them to erase the burden of guilt. Its very selfish for someone to expect you to get over it. You have your own individual time period for healing and need it. This situation without therapy will remain unhealthy and will ultimately affect the kids and that worries me a lot. He seems to have the “you’re my wife, you’re my property” attitude and that worries me as well. Therapy should be a major topic at this point if there is anything to save here and even if not, in order to co-exist as parents for the children without any rage, jealousy or immaturity. Sometimes walking away is hard but best, I don’t want to flat out make an opinionated statement based on what you told me, I just try to give you the best answer I would give myself and my closest loved one. I really think if therapy isn’t embraced as a family then you need to put the option of separating on the table. There is the family component and in order to work as a cohesive family, a loving and strong unit, there must be healing. I truly hope I helped. Please keep me posted.

Mr. Lover Man,
I am in a world of confusion. I think I know what I have to do but seem to find myself stuck in a situation I shouldn’t be in. I typed you this question a dozen times and deleted it because its deep and I questioned how anonymous this is but I see it is and I need your words.
I have been with this guy for two years. Every weekend my child’s father was taking my child and I would have this man over and we would have so much fun and great sex and just feel free and laugh all the time. The last few months my child’s father wasn’t taking our child on the weekends, he sort of disappeared and things with my man are going from great to weird to horrible. He makes me feel so worthless at times and he says my child isn’t his responsibility when I ask him to do things with us. Oh yeah, he lives with me and my child. My child is four and I really thought this guy was someone I can spend my life with and he moved in with me and everything. He doesn’t show interest in my child. He has cheated on me recently and says its because I’m so busy with my child that I don’t have time for him. He makes me feel like he has done this before and I wish he could just accept my child too. My child needs me and I cant just give my child’s attention away to him. How can I do both? How can I make him stop cheating? I really hate how he makes me feel. He blames me for my child’s fathers disappearance by saying I had to have done or said something because the guy wouldn’t just disappear. We start arguing but his words are a lot harsher and I just shut up because I don’t have the strength to argue sometimes. What should I do?
Thank you, I read your blog and I don’t want to go to my friends, they don’t know and I don’t want them to. Sincerely, Lost

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Lost,
I never allow these questions to get me riled up because I am someone that has spent considerable time in my life assisting when I can and giving advice. I have worked in some of the most strenuous fields of work and when riled up, step away for a moment of clarity and return with the best of me surfaced. Your email made me take a moment.
First thing I want to say is your boyfriend is a scumbag. Yes I said it. He is a piece of trash, yet I will explain his position so you can have a better understanding why he does what he does. You were the weekend ass to him. Every weekend he was able to have uninterrupted sex, all weekend and a place to stay worry free from whatever he had in his world. He looks at your child as a disruption of this and isn’t mature enough to let go and embrace your child and after this length of time he wont. He doesn’t view you as wife material, he sees you as convenience sex and comfort. You provide shelter and sex and probably dinner. Your child to him is imposing on his perfect little world and he refuses to give in. That is disgusting and selfish and you as a parent disappoint me tremendously. How this idiot remains in your home is something you need to ask yourself. There isn’t a balancing act between your child and that guy if he doesn’t respect you, your child and your position. There is no way to make him happy because he will resent your child for taking away his little selfish world and I fear his ability to harm your child out of jealousy. My best advice is to detach and eliminate, you must realize what’s healthiest for your child and remove this idiot from your home. This is one situation that is unhealthy and rarely if ever gets better. You should also consider counseling because I feel there is more to not only this story but your story in general. I want best for you and your child. Please consider outside help. The best solution with that jerk is to let it go. You may think it will bring pain to your heart but I guarantee after the very temporary pain subsides, joy will surface ten fold. This I promise. Please keep me posted.

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CHEATING AND DECISIONS

To Mr. Lover Man

Hey mr lover lover… I need help here, is it really true that once a cheater always a cheater? My boyfriend cheated on me and he reminded me of when I cheated on him last year but I have not had the temptation to do it again but I think with men it is different, so is it true that once a cheater always a cheater. Thank you, truly, innocent but not so innocent

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Innocent but not so innocent,
People tend to always blame men for being the constant cheater like there is a genetic component that forces men to cheat and it’s out of their control. This is such idiocy. For the record, statistically women cheat more than men and anyone who takes pride in that is an idiot. Cheating is a conscious decision no matter what (unless drugged but that’s another topic) and is one made individually. Can someone change, of course they can. Can someone stop cheating? Of course they can, stop listening to one liners by bitter miserable idiots who are afraid to take chances or who only attract losers. You have cheated and you stated that you have not had the temptation but that didn’t sound like you were in the clear yourself. So should he trust you? I think that counseling or some form of professional help would be suffice here and definitely would pit you in a better position amongst one another. I do wish the best for you, please keep me posted and remember that people are individuals.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
Why do people who cheat tend to say that the cheating had absolutely nothing to do with their partner? Say that it wasn't that the other person was better in bed; better looking, etc. yet risk destroying their relationship? How can a person come back with it was just something that happened/something that they felt like doing for that moment and/or amount of time yet still claim to love and want to be with their partner? That just strikes me as immature, greedy and ignorant. I'd really appreciate your view on this. Thank you, Simply Me

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear Simply Me
Well in my opinion the fact that one cheats is enough to ask oneself “does the costs of this relationship outweigh the rewards?” and if so, it’s time to let it go. There is no reason for cheating, EVER. The lame excuses people use are to cover their malicious, selfish, inconsiderate selves. These are ways to make them become the victim when they are actually cruel, greedy, horrible people at this time. In your question you want to know why certain things are said. In my opinion these are said to place a pillow under the fact that this person was horrible in their actions and they wish to soften it and make them look less selfish. Anyone who cheats has not taken the loss of the relationship in full account and if they did then they either felt it wasn’t worth much or they had a cemented position. If one results to cheating, they did NOT respect the other party whatsoever. As for the person saying the love the partner and wanting to be with them, well why not? At the moment of not being physically tangled with the side piece, of course they are feeling what they think is love again, of course they want their cake and eat it too. Greedy people are like that. You have to remember that they cheated, so how can you trust their words right after they cheated? Situations like this either need professional intervention or detaching in order for there to be healthy solutions. Good luck with everything.

Dear Mr. Lover Man
I have been talking to this guy for seven months now. Meet him on twitter; we started bbm each then moved to talking on the phone almost every day for several months. We started making plans to see each other. I was excited about it until I went home on a visit and the males in my family started putting doubts in my head. My sister said she would go with me but they said two women shouldn't be going either. But we were staying at a hotel n he was going to meet me there. Well while I was there visiting family. I must have changed because he said I act like I didn't want to talk to him. Well, I stopped calling him for a few months but still talked to him a bbm. I never told him why I pulled back until a few months ago. He was not happy, he said I should have talked to him about it. He has a temper, this I know from the way he writes not from talking with him. And he admits it. But back to the subject. I bbm him all the time but he don't bbm me. We talking about seeing each other again, but to me something is not right. I ask him to call me, he say he will but never do. Now he getting a iphone n he said that I still have his number we can text. He always says that it's me that don't like to talk on the phone. Should I call him? He said he’s not seeing anyone, and that he would like to see what happens with us before he does. I want t believe him but, something is not right to me, and I ask him all the time is he sure bout meeting me. He says yes. But why doesn't he call when he says he is. Or bbm me? What do u think?
Sincerely What should I do?

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: Dear What should I do,
One thing I have always been against is the consistent intervention of family and friends when it isn’t fully warranted. I understand the concern of your siblings but they made a bias and unfair assessment thinking they had your best interest ion heart and I’m sure they did but that doesn’t make it the best choice. Ultimately you have to be content with the choices you make and no one else will ever feel what you feel when you lay your head on that pillow at night alone. Now the troubling thing is that it clearly appears to me that the intervention caused you to act different and keeping this distance for months after things seemed to progress cause this gentleman to retract his stance. He was also emotionally invested and your unexplainable changes for months before the confession can feel deceitful and unfair to the other person. It now has caused him to do the same thing it appears and there doesn’t seem to be substantial growth. As for his anger issues, this is something that should be addressed and there is definitely anger management classes that are affordable all over. I highly recommend it. Now to these unmade phone calls, this is something I call high school. I don’t believe in waiting for a call, giving cold shoulders, waiting to see who calls first, blah blah blah… These are childish and never accomplish anything. These are young minded, bitter games to give a false sense of control in a relationship instead of looking for partnership. You want to talk to him and hear his voice, then call him. He is acting a way in defense to what you have unfolded upon him and although that doesn’t make it right, it’s what’s happening. You need to step up with the same effort as you easily stepped back and make your position known. If this is what you want then go for it, do not wait and allow him to think you are playing the “fall back” game again. I don’t know if it is that he is dating and I don’t know that maybe he is protecting his heart from outside intervention that may persuade you to pull back again but unless you step up you will never know. I wish you the best of luck, please let me know how it turns out.

Dear Mr. Lover Man,
I need advice ... I’m IN LOVE WITH 3 MEN. And I can’t seem to choose which one that I really want to be with. One makes me happy as a best friend and more but I find that I am not as physically attractive to him, the other is EVERYTHING that I could ask for and more, he is perfect and yet I’m just waiting for something to go wrong, and the other is just everything that I want but don't need because all we do is argue and fight…. help.

MR. LOVER MAN SAYS: The bad thing about being in love with more than one person is the misinterpreted positions they think they play. In your situation there are 3 men who probably have feelings for you being that you profess your love for them. You stating you do not know which one to choose tells me that in some degree they are not all aware that you are stuck in limbo trying to make a choice. This alone is a selfish act and before you can come to terms with making a choice, take some time to tell these men truthfully how you feel and that you are stuck between a choice of 3 and watch the choice become easier as someone will not wait around to be some contestant in your reality show. However, in searching for the “one” of three, one must ask self what is it that “I” want? What is it that makes me happy and as a unit what can we achieve. Making the best choice is not a guarantee; you have one that doesn’t catch your physical lustful eye and that kind of narrows sexual attraction unless love is so overwhelming which I’m not sure it is because of your physical confession. Then the one that is everything you want but waiting for his errors and flaws to show, in my opinion if you look for something hard enough, you will find it. Even if it is NOT there. What’s wrong with just enjoying what is happening now? Nothing at all. Stop looking for negativity and appreciate what you have. It’s ok to prepare for the worst but stop searching for it; you will ultimately sabotage that relationship. As for the one you are always arguing and fighting with, well that appears to be very unhealthy and not the one I would consider on face value. With the information given, it appears to be the least healthy of the bunch. I think you need to dig deep within yourself and take a moment away from all three in order to better assess the situation, and don’t add any more because soon you will be a VH1 special. LOL. Good luck with everything. Keep me posted.

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